Reflections of 2012 – Lessons Learned

I’m not claiming to be another Einstein, Oscar Wilde, or Zig Ziglar yet, but I am leading my own crusade in understanding life and human nature. My learning journey is that of continuous discoveries through observations and reflections.  I learn a lot through my own experiences, through observations around me, and from inspirational quotes of successful people.  Yes, I’m a big fan of powerful statements that say a lot with only few words. Over the past few years, I started coming up with my own.  What you will read next is a collection of my random thoughts (more like my own formulated quotes).  Most are made short to fit twitter’s 140 characters confinement. Some others are longer, so I’d throw them out there on facebook as a status. Oh, and I designed many into pictures to share on my facebook page (Coaching Your 3Ps; see example up there). When I compile those of 2012 into one post now, I realize they make a good collection. Read on and please let me know which you like most…

-      "I have clients not patients. I have an office not a clinic. I describe, I do not label. I'm a counselor not a therapist." ~ 3Ds a positive psychologist irritated by the use of negative language

-      “When I think of how much I still need to learn, to still do, and to look forward to, I could almost hyperventilate!” ~ 3Ds

-      “Of all shadows, that which hovers over your whole being is the scariest. Surf ahead…” ~ 3Ds

-      “The best love you'll ever find is that which propels you into becoming a better version of your true self....” ~ 3Ds

-      “There is always confusion before clarity just as there is darkness before dawn” ~ 3Ds

-      “Of all the lies I hear, I find those reflecting one’s life being trouble-free as most appealing” ~ 3Ds

-      “When happiness seems to have gone on a long vacation, just remember, it always returns.... many times, fully charged.” ~3Ds

-      “What’s the point in calling “principles” “principles” if they’re OFTEN bended, then mended, or amended?” ~ 3Ds

-      “Perhaps one of life’s dictums is “Not having it all”… Most certainly its parallel is “Enjoy what you have before you lose it all”…~ 3Ds

-      “Ever wonder why good news are frequently off-set by bad news shortly after? Think again… it could simply be working the other way round…” ~ 3Ds

-      “Don't you wish more people would shift from a culture of "stealing your time" to "valuing your time"? The imbalance is getting really irritating.. :(“ ~ 3Ds

-      “Tolerance becomes easy once all the nuisances are considered just background noise…” ~ 3Ds

-      “Isn’t it ironical how so many people waste their time gossiping about others’ problems instead of investing their time to solve their own?” ~ 3Ds

-      “There's a fine line between self-confidence and conceit just like that existing between modesty and self-deprecation” ~ 3Ds

-      “To those who complain physical exercise is torture: Compare it with being forced to exercise your patience? Piece of cake, ha?” ~ 3Ds

-      “In the circle of life, it is always the strong helping the weak; the wise tolerating the immature; the healthy aiding the sick; the educated putting up with the ignorant; but what’s with  the insecure casting stones on those who rise above…?” ~3Ds

-      “Nothing beats distress like having a clear concrete plan for solutions. Now whether you carry it out or not is a different story.” ~ 3DS

-         Being “courageous” is daring to go for it despite your little chances.

Being a “fool” is daring to go for it despite having no chances at all.

Being a “courageous fool” is doing things left and right without even considering your chances; and arguing that the statistics course you took back at the university is worthless…. ~ Meta-logic 101

-      "When you find out the true face behind the mask some people wear, just remain silent. Why feed malicious intent when you can use your energy to accept human imperfections?" ~ 3Ds

-      “Progress is: Cognition followed by Ignition. When you know what you need to do, MOVE!...” ~ 3Ds

-      “Unless you realize you’re part of the problem, you won’t be part of the solution. Some people stick to playing victim far too long”. ~ 3Ds

-      "We never lose the ability to love. We may just lose the ability to love the SAME person." ~3Ds

-      “It's not the words...; not the act..; not what happened ... that matter .... It's what it all means ...” ~ 3Ds

-      “Sometimes you wish there's this someone thinking of you somehow and in some way close to your secretly obsessive thoughts about that someone.” ~ 3Ds

-      “Laughter is most appreciated after pain. There's healing power even in a sense of false gain. “ ~3Ds

-      “You know you have an issue in work-life balance if you have a passion for excellence” ~ 3Ds

-      "عواصف العواطف.... حلو التعبير... مش دايما حلوة التجربة"  ~ 3Ds

And here are some funny or sarcastic ones:

-      “The only thing I’ll allow to bring me down is the elevator.” ~ 3Ds

-      When I said “The only thing I’ll allow to bring me down is the elevator”,  some people started appearing as elevators in disguise … ~ 3Ds

-      “That awkward feeling, when you realize it'll take much less than a decade, when you'll be called: Half a century old....” ~3Ds

-       “That terrifying moment when you dig for energy in your well of “I’m alright” pretense only to find it completely depleted ....” ~ 3Ds

-       “If dealing with stress, stressors, and stressed out people actually burned calories, I would have been a supermodel by now” ~ 3Ds

-       "That awesome moment when you finish all your “to do list” and are seduced to just sit there… Well, I rarely, if ever, have it…. and I’m not complaining here…." ~ 3Ds

-      “A perfectionist is someone who never makes the same mistake twice. Just as many times as necessary to be sure it was in fact a mistake…. “ ~3Ds

-      “That straight eye contact moment, when it lasts 10 seconds or longer ... reflecting either fatal attraction or ....contemplative murder!” ~3Ds

Lastly, “One of my wishes for the New Year is to see more professionals ACTING professionally…..” Perhaps reflecting on one’s own performance remains a habit un-adopted by many. No wonder why many so called professionals remain operating at mediocre levels and never progress…. And that is why I make the time to continuously assess and reflect. To me, life encompasses 3Ps: “Personal & Professional Progress”….

See you in 2013 J

Work-Life Balance (before you go off edge)

One of the first things I do with my clients at the beginning of a “Coaching” contract is to examine their wheel of life (see picture up there). I consider it an “eye opener” to start the process of progress. It gives a bird’s eye view of the levels of satisfaction (from 0 to 10; with 10 being most satisfied) on their: Career, finances, health, friends and family, romance, personal growth, fun and recreation, and their physical environment. These identify life areas that are not working well and needing change to live life more fully. Great deficits in fulfillment in any one area can spill over to the rest; hence, negatively affecting general well-being. We cannot neglect any one area. Just as a house cannot be built on one pillar, so is life satisfaction. It’s a whole; and cannot be reliant on only one source.

The concept of work-life balance is common and implicitly warns people not to get too consumed in having a career at the expense of nourishing the rest of their life support systems. It is a known fact that most of the working force spends their entire day on the job. They become so busy making a living that they forget to live their lives.  Even non-working house-wives assume the career of a “full time mom” or a “full time house-wife” that they sometimes drift in the mundane neglecting vital life ingredients until they feel a huge void. If you give it some thought, each of us has multiple roles (especially the sandwiched generation): the true self, career role, son/daughter, parent, spouse, friend, community volunteer, etc…. The true self, sometimes, suffers the most. Every so often, competing and conflicting roles and priorities can be very difficult to handle. We become defocused and find ourselves thrown off balance suffering health problems, depression, poor performance, stress, strain, or complete burn-out.

It’s not so simple to balance it all, but at least we can be more aware of maximizing the use of our time. Time being the most valuable, yet limited, asset we have which once used cannot be retrieved. Life can easily slip us by; and if we’re not alert to how we’re investing our time, by the end of our path, we may find ourselves filled with regrets. Just imagine you’re at your “death bed” contemplating your life. What would you be saying? Scary thought to many, huh? So, how can you best balance before everything hits the fan?

Here are some few guidelines to face the challenge:

1.       Fill in the wheel of life: Find out which life areas you’re very dissatisfied with and need your attention most. What can you improve? What are you willing to improve? (see? there’s a difference between “can” and “willing”). The first step to any change is awareness. It has been said that 50% of solving any problem lies in knowing what it is, so get clear on what’s not working for you. Then, start getting focused on taking serious gradual steps to implement changes. Things will never get resolved on their own.

2.       Set SMART Goals: Once you nail down the opportunities for improvement, set the baby steps to rectify. The acronym SMART for goals refers to Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timed. These ensure rectifying the dissatisfied areas and having a map for a clearer journey ahead. For instance, if you found that you are not so content on the area of family and friends perhaps for being over-worked on the job, specify that you need to “spend more quality time on the weekend with family or friends”. The way about it may be to arrange for gatherings, or more outings. Always get specific: “how”, “when”, “with whom”, “number of times”,…  and make sure it doesn’t conflict with others’ plans. Gather your SMART goals with the specifics on a sheet of paper and read it every morning.

3.       Manage your time: Make the best use of those 86,400 seconds each day. Managing how you spend your time can be the key to your productivity on all levels. Many claim they don’t have the time, for instance, to read (i.e. feed their personal growth), or generate more income (i.e. feed their finances). Well… that’s not very accurate. You can always make the time for important things. It’s just that you may not have taken a deep decision to actually commit to doing things of importance. Why would most people adopt a certain regimen as per their doctor’s advice when their life is threatened? Suddenly, you find them having extra time, right? Think hard of that wheel of life. What should you do to become happier? Incorporate it into your schedule. This is when the SMART goals’ sheet needs updating to specify “when” to get things done.

4.       Establish healthy rituals: It can be difficult sometimes to kick off new habits when you find out that these are needed to feed into better balance. Take exercise for example. To kick it off as a habit requires a lot of planning and self-discipline in the beginning. Most research suggests a period of at least 21 days to establish habits. This is when the neural pathways in the brain become strong enough to make the behavior automatic. The habit, then, becomes an addiction that you cannot easily do without. The constellation of healthy routines (e.g. sleeping patterns, eating right, social media use, responding to emails,..…) eventually provide structure and make a big difference in your life. Rituals and habits are automatic acts you don’t spend much mental effort on; thus, allow you to have more energy to spend on other worthy and effortful tasks. So, what healthy routines can you plan among your goals now?

5.       Use a journal: Be it for your personal, or professional life, having a journal to plan your days in line with your goals will provide the necessary structure, clarity, and commitment. It facilitates organizing your time and taking the necessary steps to balance your life. Journaling your “to do list” will enable you to become more realistic in what you can achieve in one day, throughout the week, or for the whole month. Avoid writing one “to do list”. The sight of it may be overwhelmingly scary that many end up procrastinating about it. A dated journal has the advantage of allocating your targets over a period of time while ensuring you take care of urgent matters first. Remember to remain flexible as you proceed throughout the days and shift what you couldn't do on a specific day to a later time. Your journal will eventually reflect your productivity and help you keep things on track.

6.       Manage your stress: Keep an eye on your life stressors and take measures to reduce their effects. After all, too many stressors can throw you off edge all of a sudden. When faced with stressful situations, focus on changing either the situation, or your reaction. Changing the situation means you either alter it (e.g. change your job) or avoid it (e.g. take a different route while commuting to escape traffic). When changing the situation is not possible, you can only change the way you feel about it. You need to stop fretting about what’s bothering you and accept that it just is (e.g. a negative colleague working in the same office), or adapt to it (i.e. looking at the big picture of what truly matters). It’s important that you avoid bottling up any tension by using quick stress-busting techniques frequently; like: deep breathing, positive self-talk, music, seeking social support, etc…

These are only the basic steps when your aim is to have a more balanced life. To really work it out, you have to have a whole hearted intention to have a new mission. Writing things down and organizing your path is a pre-requisite to succeed in doing that. Research after research documents that those who thrive have clear well written goals. You can assess and revise these as you proceed. Finally, and to add new things into your routines, entails giving up some other things in place. Why don’t you start off by making a “don’t do list” to identify your life “time-wasters”? Then, continue to MAKE the time to do things of greater value to balance it all….

Effective Communication: Guidelines & Tips

You all learned how to talk, but did you all learn how to communicate effectively? Effective and positive communication is an advanced skill that requires your conscious practice and effort until it is mastered. It serves living harmoniously with others, persuading, and influencing family, friends, and colleagues on the job. Once you know few secrets about proper communication, your chances of succeeding in all life domains grow up exponentially. Furthermore, your internal voice will frequently be screaming “Victoryyyy!” in major disagreements as you remain totally agreeable to your counterparts. All it takes is entering the mindset of the person(s) you’re communicating with, and then positively bringing them to your own. As a first step, here are some few guiding essentials for casual conversations, interactions, requests, arguments, or confrontations:

- - Build rapport: Subtly match and mirror the person you’re talking with (i.e. get in the rhythm of the way they’re speaking, body posture, use of language, etc….). Generally, people who are like each other tend to like each other, so do your best to synchronize your way with theirs.

- - Listen (don’t just hear): We have two ears and one mouth mainly to listen twice as much as we speak. Instead of mentally rehearsing your next argument, actively listen to what really matters to the other person. Their needs will be your guide to satisfy instead of deviating off-topic.

- - Words, tone, and body language: In the famous Mehrabian study, these turned out to have an effect of 8%, 37%, and 55% respectively. Never underestimate, therefore, the profound effects of the silent messages behind your unspoken words. It’s “how” you say things that gives much more meaning.

- - Address them by name often: You’ll be reaching out for their most prominent identity and softly caressing their ego each time. It will sound like flattery.

- - Maintain eye contact: This ensures you’re retaining connection. It gives the message that you’re interested in what they’re saying and that they’re heard. Remember how it feels when you’re talking to someone and they look away or roll their eyes? Yes…. Utterly disrespectful!

- - Empathize: Use your interpersonal intelligence and the ability to be in the other person’s shoes to identify with their feeling, ideas, and situation. Ask yourself: what is it like to be in their position. Paraphrase what they’re saying when you can. This conveys that they’re well understood.

- - Always ask good questions: You can always direct the flow of your conversation through asking open ended questions. This is a sure way to release your counterpart’s defensiveness and probe them to come to mutual conclusions. Avoid giving unsolicited advice till you’re asked.

Once you arm yourself with the above necessities in your interactions, you can further use the following tips to make any point you want with least resistance by your counterpart. You can disagree without being disagreeable; influence while valuing the other person’s stance; and pleasantly direct others’ behavior. Depending on the argument or the situation, you can:

- - Get them to agree more: For beginning conversations, ask questions to get them to agree on, say, 3 things. This is part of building rapport. Questions like: the weather is too hot this morning, isn’t it? The traffic was unbearable today, right? You can, then, introduce your request or the point you want to make.

- - Focus on giving feedback: At times, you’d want to appraise a piece of work or assess a situation. Don’t criticize by just saying what’s not right. Praise the good points as well. As a whole, your opinion will be better received.

- - Sandwich your feedback: Whenever you have something negative to say, make sure you sandwich it between two positive statements. Start off by complimenting the other person somehow (relevant attributes, qualities, or work); give your negative opinion (in a nice way of course); and then finish up your statements by praising again. These positive statements act as a sandwich buffering any negativity sensed in between.

- - Feed forward: When you give feedback, you may need to state the preferred scenario for a specific outcome (e.g. behavior or way). It is an assertiveness technique used in relationships (parent to child, or in partnerships) and mentoring. Don’t remain vague about future direction. Probe them by asking questions to get to the ideal response, or suggest it when they don’t know.

- - Use the “agreement frame”: Nothing beats defensiveness than agreeing first. Use points in your counterpart’s view to agree with, first. Say things like: “I agree that…. And I respect that…. And I really appreciate that….” Then say: “at the same time, I think that…..” stating your disagreement. Never use the word “but” after agreeing. It negates everything you said before it.

- - The pleasant “no”: Don’t get caught in saying “yes” to others’ requests at your own expense. When you offer an explanation to why you can’t handle their request, you’ll be saying “yes” to yourself. You can start off by saying: “Yes, I appreciate your resorting to me to handle this. I really would like to help you out. At the same time, I have to…..” and list the reasons why you can’t while offering an alternative way or a later time to do it.

- - Focus on solutions: Avoid getting sucked up in discussing the problem and rather consider the alternatives to resolving it (more on “win-win” solutions). In doing that, consider the interests and benefits to both of you (you get that through empathetic listening and asking probing questions).

The above tips are really powerful in maintaining positive interactions with others. After all, research shows that for any relationship to thrive, it is necessary to have 5 positive statements to tip off the effect of one negatively stated comment. To become a positive effective communicator requires a conscious decision. With practice, it will become second nature like all other arts to be mastered J

Am I Having the Worst Feeling or What?

In my line of practice, I usually work on transforming feelings of distress to those of empowerment. My clients come with different baggage, problems, and challenges. They all, however, share one commonality: A perception that they’re experiencing the “worst feeling” of all times. And it’s true. It’s all relevant to one’s character or situation. As our dialogue proceeds, and as they describe those “worst feelings”, I find myself oscillating between acknowledging how difficult these are on one hand, and aiming at alleviating their pain, on another. Respecting their decision to confide and share their deepest emotions always, my mind’s eye reaches out for the “greener side” of their life landscape. I need to help them shift their perception as they process all their negative emotions.

As I listen to their experiences, my mind speaks before I can think; yells if I may. Sometimes my reasoning slips out loud in an instant. At other times, I direct our dialogue to support them reach more helpful conclusion. Here are some scenarios they voice out as “worst feelings”; and how my automatic “hunt” goes like for a more empowering stance to alleviate their predicaments every time:

- I’m having that worst “feeling of being all alone; I don’t have any good company!”

My mind yells: “Yes, honey, being alone is a terrible feeling; solitude can be bliss, if you think about it. Some people are yearning to be left alone. Do their own thing. No responsibilities attached to anyone else; no one telling them what to do; no one holding them from using their full potentials. If you can’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect anyone to enjoy yours? How can you better use your time to self-entertain and be happy with the only person you’re forever stuck with: YOU?”

- I’m having the worst ”feeling of being all alone even in the company of others”

My mind yells: “Aha!! Here’s someone who is on a different wavelength from those all around. That’s the perfect chance to check for their uniqueness. I bet they’re the “deeper” type. Let me tell you this gorgeous: You may just be affiliating with the wrong crowd. Where can you find your type? Let’s check how you’re like and examine your options. Maybe you need to go on a “search” for those of your kind…. Expand your “network” is your next step ….

- I’m having that worst “feeling of having no choice!”

My mind yells: “Are you serious, sugar? You always have a choice; what you actually “do” may be different. You daily choose what to eat, dress like, or do, … Choosing “not to do” remains a choice. And if you’re driven into a situation by force, the way you react to it remains your choice. Perhaps it’s just that your choice in that specific situation has difficult repercussions. You can deal with it if you’re really determined, don’t you now? Just don’t generalize feeling powerless to all else in your life. Keep choosing to have the right attitude at all times.”

- I’m having that worst “feeling of having been stabbed in the back!!”

My mind yells: “oh sweetheart, this is how you learn who’s friend and who’s foe. You’ll find those people who’ll love you and support you just as you will find those whose whole life purpose may be that of bringing you down. Give a listening ear to your internal detectors. You knew it all along; you just weren’t paying attention. Learn from it and move on….”

- I’m having this worst “feeling of being changed into a person I’m not”

My mind yells: “oh my, oh my…. Why would you easily allow that angel? Where’s your strength of character? Right, it’s not that solid…. Perhaps we need to toughen that base as a start. You can’t possibly be comfortable living in your own skin if you let others define who you really are. It would never be your core, would it?”

- I’m having this worst “feeling of being so incomplete, so not up to the expectations, so imperfect…”

My mind yells: “Good God, how I wished we could all be complete at some point during our life-time. Engage in downward comparison, precious. That old adage: “things could be worse” comes in quite handy in this case. Examine those less fortunate. You’re probably comparing yourself with those who you think have it all. You don’t truly know what they’re struggling with in their lives, minds, or hearts. They may just be similarly striving for perfection; and are in fact dealing with their own @#/!#@. Perfection is too far-fetched, dear, but at least it keeps us busy working on it.”

- I’m having the worst “feeling of having lost a dear one in my life”

My heart sinks…..

My mind stops yelling….

I empathize….

I become all heart……..

Could this be the worst feeling of all, I wonder? They’ll have to form an alliance with “time”…. I’ll be their spiritual crutches …... then… I’ll be watching them grow…..

Please Don’t Read This Post (unless you want to lose your life faith)

CAUTION: this post contains profane language. Reader’s discretion is advised.


Two warnings, already, may suffice to deter you from reading on, right? For Pete’s sake STOP!! This is the third one! It never is my intention to be discouraging; on the contrary. I work hard on maintaining an upbeat state of mind. We can’t, however, deny moments of negative thinking from taking over when the mind is all too foggy. 


First, this post will dare share some undisclosed thoughts that many of you hold in your own dark moments. These totally conflict with what I usually preach, but when the going gets tough, doubt overwhelms for a while; and that’s understandable - you’re only human. I know… I know… “there’s always confusion before clarity just as there is always darkness before dawn” (~ Me). I have a complete grasp that life is full of gray areas, but what’s with shades of gray inside other shades of gray; inside yet other shades of gray? 


 Second, I dislike using profane language, but among the few things I agree with my pal Sigmund Freud (see charming on the right) is that being shocking, and cursing at times, can be healing. I’m not advocating, here, the use of such a communication style; however, and in case you didn’t know, side tracking every now and then can be fun and liberating.


 I’m allowing myself, herein, to express some cynicism I heard, a lot of sarcasm, and will be questioning the faith in many adopted positive psychological constructs. These are commonly used as a way out when we are faced with piled up life challenges. Here it goes: some random ramblings in that state of skeptical bizarre mind:


 - In the circle of life: It is only common sense that the strong help the weak; the wise tolerate the immature; the healthy aid the sick; the educated put up with the ignorant, and so on…. but what’s it about the insecure casting stones on those who rise above? How are you to handle the frustration of that typical “kill-joy” (“DIPSHIT” in other words) who constantly shakes the living day lights out of you when, on the surface, you appear quite content? You have to be Jesus to tolerate being crucified. Jealousy and envy compound the more visible you are. It should make you feel proud you’re on the right track and that’s comforting, right? Pity them, you decide. “The only thing I will ever allow to bring me down is the elevator” you’d keep reminding yourself. That’s BULLSHIT!!!! Some IDIOTS keep pressing those elevator buttons and with time, their determination succeeds….. Suddenly, they’re in your most inappropriate thoughts!! And in your head, you find yourself beating the SHIT out of them a gazillion times ….. 


 - That much sought after “Love”: Lonely or engaged, hearts are prone to ache alike. I hear mutual grumbles: the single want to have a partner; those who have a partner, are rarely satisfied; they have their eyes on another. HOLY CRAP!! I’m confused here, no wait… maybe I’m not…. SHIT!! Can you make up your mind you people?? Your heart’s function is not only that of pumping your blood. It’s there to experience both the joys and pains of being single or engaged. Pay the price to shift your status. Accept anyone if you’re single and don’t complain. Dump that partner instead of pointing your finger at them all the time…. There are so many privileges in both solitude and company that many fail to perceive. Live with a phantom of your own creation if you wish… Deal with it you FREAKS!! Don’t whine about it, or I’ll beat the CRAP OUT of you!! 


 - Accept what you can’t change: Yah! And you have that terrifying moment when you dig for energy in your well of “I’m alright” pretense only to find it completely depleted. SHIZNIT is all there is left in that reservoir. Acceptance needs energy. Where the hell do you get that when your resources are dry from excessively dealing with what you cannot FREAKING change?? There’s a limit to how long you can exercise your BLOODY patience, right?….. Nothing is as distressing as a sense of being out of control. Nothing is as painful as being chained with feelings of having “no choice”. Accept…. So they say…. Just another psychological jargon for: admit defeat, submit, surrender, or …. put both feet in your mouth and “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” You’re staying at life’s mercy, alright?….


 - Ignore that dirty Politics: The harder you move away from politics, the more you’d find it creeping at you with all the FREAKIN worst news from everywhere. The biggest apparent lies believed by an unprecedented number of puppet fools. Disregard, ignore, and continue living some would say. How can you continue living when mass atrocities are being committed while the whole world watches. Dirty politics is controlling your daily living if you really think about it. How are you supposed to remove yourself from the bigger STUPID ecology? It will certainly find you no matter how deep you dig your head in the ground as an ostrich... Cover your ASS, will yah?? Those MOTHER FUCKERS are right behind you and they can be reaaal swift in getting yah!!


 - The beauty of “Aging”: “No, I’m not getting older; just wiser and more mature” – some would comfort themselves. Sure… you can do that when you’re in a good mood … you keep telling yourself “I feel I’m still in my twenties”, but your body responds: “Yeah, don’t you wish?” You’ve got all those daily reminders of your physical depreciation; be it in: body pains that get to your brains, reduced eye-sight, expanding wrinkles, gray hair, sagging skin, slowing metabolism, repeated physical tests to make sure you’re alright (with CRAPPY results you’re not the same), etc… FUCK!! The list is endless with reminders – no arguing about that!!! And then it dawns on you that the best way to feel younger is to hang around with the older dudes… But that too doesn’t work. You get to see those elderly aging faster and then crossing over to the heavens above…. Some your age “kiddos” are being taken early just the same…. And you wonder: “When will I be elected to join the crowds up there?? Exactly how much more fun am I allowed on FUCKIN mother Earth before my time comes?” And then you’d start thinking that if the theory of reincarnation is at all true, you have a second chance of this delightful experience. You’re lucky if you return as a human to satisfy whatever remains unfulfilled in the preceding BULLSHIT life….. or would you rather return as an ASS!!??


 - There’s always light at the end of the tunnel: Ever thought that the light source could be burned down with repeated power cuts? Hahahaha!! This is Lebanon you FREAKS!! Some people live in a CLUSTERFUCK of SHIT!! And you challenge them to count their blessings; then it turns out these are just a few. Bad news come in bundles and the balance massively tips to things going in the SHITTY direction. In reality, they have no way out except to keep walking in the dark. And when you’ve been there for too long, you start becoming paranoid thinking any light at the end of the tunnel could be that of a train coming your way. Finally….it will run you down. Any glimpse they see turns out as just another illusion. But, whatever…. Keep clinging to ropes of hope. You’re in the tunnel, alright. It feels safer when you hold on to something – even if it was false faith. Yah, keep thinking MORONS will change, FREAKIN’ circumstances will alter, and that any tunnel is bound to end for sure…. Despair is your only other option… 


 - The existential questioning: In that existential excursion to finding answers, you always knew you’d find these in books you read, the biography of the “wise”, and in thinking and reflecting…. What the HELL? Are you able to formulate the DAMN right BLOODY questions to start with? The literature is loaded with inconsistencies; even famous quotes are contradictory. Everything happens for a good reason, they say. “I exist to know, to learn from everything that happens, and to leave footprints behind”. HOLY SHIT!! Where the hell are the right reasons when you need them? Come’on…. Give me a good reason for some SHIT-HEAD’s bad intentions. Is there any good in being used, abused, betrayed, or manipulated? Yah, right…. The good reason is that the culprit’s goals were well served (at your BLOODY expense for that matter….). Knowing this can be a big slap on your face. It sends your head rotating clockwise endlessly as if operating on pulse. You feel it as long as you remain alive… Give me a break!! Good reason, they say, come at the right time … “Well I can’t wait; shoot’em on now, or PISS OFF…. My head is still rotating and that’s painful enough….” 


 - Forgiveness: If you want to be liberated, forgive those who wronged you. Sure!! And they can take advantage of your kind heart again. And you’re supposed to forgive again. You can KISS MY ASS on this one!! Let’s not say you’re holding a grudge; rather remembering the facts about some BITCHASS! For heaven’s sake, there’s a limit to how much you can forgive and be the “bigger” person. Some people surely abuse the privilege. You want to appear big? Get them down on their knees for a while. These MOTHER FUCKERS ought to have an electric shock collar as you hold a remote control ready for their next misdemeanor. When they misbehave, be prepared to electrify them with a buzz of agony. Perhaps that would make those FREAKS learn to stop taking you for granted!


 I have a lot more to say GODDAMNIT, but this sort of drama can become endless. This is but a short good bad example of how a chattered negative mind can go….. If your train of thought went anything like this in the past, be proud. It’s part of the human package. Dudes around you can wrongly assume you’re someone exceptionally super and positive if you don’t express these out loud. I did it for you. We can all, at times, become centered on the negative. It’s the radius that matters sunshine!! And I’m certain that only in such moments of getting in touch with your vulnerabilities that you can progress. I know I am a survivor just as you are. And whatever I have expressed above is just part of the process of emotional healing. That’s called “venting”, identifying the frustrations, labeling the emotions (I’ve done that in my mind), and then having a clear plan as to what next you can do about it. Can I safely say: “Gotch yah!!”??


 Thanks Sigmund. It does feel good engage in all that swearing. I, also, give thanks to myself for allowing it the experience to toy around some negative thinking from time to time. How else would I be be able to properly feel the suffering of those I help heal and move forward….Yes, life is BLOODY hard, but can you imagine what it would be like if there were no struggles? Complete monotony…. Flat-lining…. The one thing I cannot be sarcastic about is that all these trials are emotional fitness muscle exercises. Hit low, and then bounce back stronger each time….


 Continue to cartwheel like wild clowns in life’s stadium you DUDES. Choose to focus on what’s going right. Be determined to work it out as hard as you can with whatever means and resources you possess. Never undermine the power of positive “reframe”. It appears to be the only psychological survival mechanism in hard times. Your only other option, again, is to despair when time and space don’t seem to be on your side ….

The Truth about Lying & Deception: How to handle it

You’re a LIAR!! Yes, you and don’t freak out when as accused; we are all liars to varying degrees. It’s hardly my style to address such a negative aspect of the human condition, but we can’t ignore that “lies” constitute a rampant state prevailing in politics, the business world, and even in our daily exchanges as minor fibs. Studies do show that the average person lies several times a day either concealing or fabricating the truth for silly reasons sometimes. We dismiss many as “white lies” being socially conditioned to be respectful and polite (e.g. you’d respond when asked how you’re doing by saying: “I am doing great!” when deep inside your world is gloomy and chaotic). We deceive, also, without intention mainly in social conversations (e.g. like nodding when listening to someone talk while our mind is wandering elsewhere). You do it; everyone else does it! Unless you’re living in complete harmony with yourself and others, you’re “lie-free”. And when you do knowingly lie, you give yourself so many excuses and rationalize every time. It could be to protect from bigger harm, safeguard the other person’s feelings, avoid unnecessary conflict, preserve a good self-image, handle high stake situation, and the list goes on and on…. I am not suggesting that because deception is very common, you remain at ease with it. An inner state of dissonance and stress emerges for those who are conscientious enough, or good meaning (not the cunning malicious type). When you’re at the receiving end, the feeling is even worse. It’s not these small innocent lies that get to you. It’s the deliberate biggies (e.g. being betrayed) or when it’s too frequent or manipulative to serve the liar’s hidden agenda. To explore lying and deception, is to understand it, as to better deal with it. Let’s dissect it here.

Why can’t you tolerate being lied to when you yourself lie from time to time? Mainly, and when you first react, you may forget to justify for others as you do for yourself. You’re not in the liar’s shoes to know their drives. It certainly is not easy to swallow those biggies, tolerate habitual chronic liars who adopt lying as their natural style, or accept the Machiavellian type who manipulate you to serve their needs. Big lies that relate to specific situations can become traumatic especially from those you least expect to deceive you. The frequency of smaller lies - no matter how trivial these are - can similarly, drain you. You’re always left scratching your head (asking yourself “shall I believe this now or not”). You may try hard to let these slip by, but their recurrence can become impossible to ignore. Manipulative deception has a far greater toll. They shake you to the bone. With children, you can understand lies as a sign of immaturity, but with adults, you can’t help but consider them as having an evil tongue frustrating enough for you to reassess your whole life philosophy and strategy. Eventually, you may become more cynical, suspicious, and completely pissed off. Until you understand the liar’s reasons, you keep boiling inside. For sure, you first take lies personally as a threat to your own self-image.

What does it mean to be lied to? Lies - big or small - hurt your ego and are translated in the most degrading terms: you’re unworthy of the truth, your intelligence is insulted, you’re considered gullible, your bright expectations are violated, you’re naïve for believing, or simply that your good faith in others led you to being taken advantage of. You doubt yourself; and your trust hub in others gets destroyed. It then becomes extremely difficult to mend the fences. A big lie can leave you vulnerable, forever suspicious, uncertain, out of control, or experiencing great suffering and pain for a while. It happens, right? The truth is: lies really tell more about the deceiver than it tells about you. For big lies, always consider the ramification for telling the truth in context. It could just be that the other person is so scared of facing reality. You could have done the same if your roles were reversed. With habitual liars, many are not even aware of their behavior since it becomes more like routine so well ingrained and automatic. Their excessive lying may have routes in their having an inferiority/superiority complex. These usually have an instable sense of identity with conflicting parts struggling within. If they were clearer on how they defined themselves, or knew what they really wanted, there would be no reason for them to lie. It could, also, be that they were raised in an environment in which lying was necessary for survival. They become addicted to lying as it feels right and safe; thus, twisting all truths as a way of living. Manipulative liars obviously adopt lying to get what they want in a sneaky way. They have little empathy for your feelings. It’s like they coerce you into doing something you wouldn’t want to do in the first place; hence, you feel utterly disgusted when you find out their true motives.

How easy is it to detect deception? Many lies are discovered by contradictory statements or by piecing together information to make sense of things that don’t seem right. This is often fuelled by an internal lie detector we call “gut instinct” that picks up on so many unconscious cues. The literature is bound with guidelines on detecting lies through observing non-verbal behavior. These include: more blinking or fidgeting, speech hesitation, shorter responses or even too much detail, changes in vocal pitch or speed, language patterns (e.g. frequently dropping the “I” from a sentence), breaking eye contact, or even its opposite of being looked at too insistently to make a point. However, and to date, there is enough evidence that even trained professionals cannot detect deception with precision. You may assume that because you know the other person too well, you can easily spot lies, but that’s not straight forward. With enough determination, a liar can cover the truth well especially the manipulative type. It’s even more difficult to know with chronic liars, as it’s all too natural and reflexive. They themselves believe their lies. In the end, there’s no foolproof way to know when a person is lying for sure by mere observation. Many lies would eventually be discovered somehow. Knowing the truth sets you in turmoil, so ideally, what are you to do?

How can you deal with being lied to? Understand again, it’s a sad human condition. Nail it down to being situational or chronic. Is it justified or is it that the other person is being a pathological jerk?

a) With situational liars and big lies: Be cautious of someone who gives you a one-time BAMM!! They lie once, they can lie again. If you care about salvaging your relationship with that person, it’s best to address the issue in a more conversational manner (as opposed to a confrontational style); and only when you have calmed down. Think of the reasons for why you were lied to and the consequences of telling the truth in time. They maybe too scared to face the problem or cannot handle the truth, but you can show them that you can (with some extra effort in certain respects of course). They simply may be asking for attention indirectly. If you do confront, refrain from throwing accusations. It’s counterproductive, as it breads their defensiveness (e.g. withdrawing, counterattacks, denial, or hostility). Focus in your discussion on how it makes you feel to be deceived. Give them a sense of understanding and willingness to deal with the problem and the underlying motives for lying. Always reciprocate by telling the gentle truth as you remain in control of your emotional reactions (that’s the toughest to handle in such situations). Your discussion can eventually lead to a clearer understanding of the whole issue at hand. If things make sense, then be sure to forgive. This way you’ll be the “bigger” person who accommodates for human faults. Holding a grudge occupies unnecessary space in your heart and leaves no room for working things out. Besides, we all deserve a second chance, so allow it. But what if lies are repeated over and over again? You’re on alert mode already if you’re lied to once. It takes time and repeated evidence of sincerity to regain that lost trust – if ever.

b) With habitual and manipulative liars: Those who lie chronically for no apparent gain are to be pitied. Remember that it’s about them (i.e. their personality and life experiences). Even if they were not lying to you directly but to others, you’d reason they could easily lie to you too. You can try to let things slide if they are not important, hint at inconsistencies, or use sarcastic remarks paralleled with surprised facial expressions. If lies stretch too far, you can handle it using some humor to point it out (e.g. say something like: “Come on Pinocchio, your nose is growing!”). It is very difficult to change habitual liars as most of the time they lack insight. They are better referred to a professional in counseling; and it’s very common that they’d resist doing until they hit bottom. Others, who are manipulative and adopt lying for strategic purposes, are to be avoided as soon as they are discovered. Withdraw from further dealings with them if you can. If you’re stuck with these because the situation dictates (e.g. they are colleagues at work or are family), you cannot but resort to standing up for yourself and setting clear boundaries. Asking more questions for clarification would be like inviting in more lies. One lie may just have been leading to another to make the picture more complete in the first place.

In all cases, you really need to set yourself emotion free from the frustration of feeling like an idiot. Deeply reflecting and assessing the situation objectively can alleviate your first outraged reaction when you discover the truth. People have different reasons for deceiving; and if they are good meaning, then work on substituting resentment with empathy and understanding. As hard as it is to be lied to, you need to remember the times you were cornered into lying and had all proper justifications. And don’t forget that sometimes you even deceive yourself just to be happy by denying or ignoring the truth. These are only adaptive defense mechanisms we resort to without conscious attention. When liars deceive, their intentions are good to, at least, themselves. You can only remain alert, empathetic, and self-protecting too. Despite lying being a violation of all ethical and legal principles, we can only tolerate and accept such a – not so pleasing – human condition. Don’t fret about it too much. It’s not easy to live in complete harmony without concealing some truth until one day you’re there.