Reflections Of My Mind's Eye

The Truth about Lying & Deception: How to handle it

2012-01-13T19:21:00.003+02:00

You’re a LIAR!! Yes, you and don’t freak out when as accused; we are all liars to varying degrees. It’s hardly my style to address such a negative aspect of the human condition, but we can’t ignore that “lies” constitute a rampant state prevailing in politics, the business world, and even in our daily exchanges as minor fibs. Studies do show that the average person lies several times a day either concealing or fabricating the truth for silly reasons sometimes. We dismiss many as “white lies” being socially conditioned to be respectful and polite (e.g. you’d respond when asked how you’re doing by saying: “I am doing great!” when deep inside your world is gloomy and chaotic). We deceive, also, without intention mainly in social conversations (e.g. like nodding when listening to someone talk while our mind is wandering elsewhere). You do it; everyone else does it! Unless you’re living in complete harmony with yourself and others, you’re “lie-free”. And when you do knowingly lie, you give yourself so many excuses and rationalize every time. It could be to protect from bigger harm, safeguard the other person’s feelings, avoid unnecessary conflict, preserve a good self-image, handle high stake situation, and the list goes on and on…. I am not suggesting that because deception is very common, you remain at ease with it. An inner state of dissonance and stress emerges for those who are conscientious enough, or good meaning (not the cunning malicious type). When you’re at the receiving end, the feeling is even worse. It’s not these small innocent lies that get to you. It’s the deliberate biggies (e.g. being betrayed) or when it’s too frequent or manipulative to serve the liar’s hidden agenda. To explore lying and deception, is to understand it, as to better deal with it. Let’s dissect it here.

Why can’t you tolerate being lied to when you yourself lie from time to time? Mainly, and when you first react, you may forget to justify for others as you do for yourself. You’re not in the liar’s shoes to know their drives. It certainly is not easy to swallow those biggies, tolerate habitual chronic liars who adopt lying as their natural style, or accept the Machiavellian type who manipulate you to serve their needs. Big lies that relate to specific situations can become traumatic especially from those you least expect to deceive you. The frequency of smaller lies - no matter how trivial these are - can similarly, drain you. You’re always left scratching your head (asking yourself “shall I believe this now or not”). You may try hard to let these slip by, but their recurrence can become impossible to ignore. Manipulative deception has a far greater toll. They shake you to the bone. With children, you can understand lies as a sign of immaturity, but with adults, you can’t help but consider them as having an evil tongue frustrating enough for you to reassess your whole life philosophy and strategy. Eventually, you may become more cynical, suspicious, and completely pissed off. Until you understand the liar’s reasons, you keep boiling inside. For sure, you first take lies personally as a threat to your own self-image.

What does it mean to be lied to? Lies - big or small - hurt your ego and are translated in the most degrading terms: you’re unworthy of the truth, your intelligence is insulted, you’re considered gullible, your bright expectations are violated, you’re naïve for believing, or simply that your good faith in others led you to being taken advantage of. You doubt yourself; and your trust hub in others gets destroyed. It then becomes extremely difficult to mend the fences. A big lie can leave you vulnerable, forever suspicious, uncertain, out of control, or experiencing great suffering and pain for a while. It happens, right? The truth is: lies really tell more about the deceiver than it tells about you. For big lies, always consider the ramification for telling the truth in context. It could just be that the other person is so scared of facing reality. You could have done the same if your roles were reversed. With habitual liars, many are not even aware of their behavior since it becomes more like routine so well ingrained and automatic. Their excessive lying may have routes in their having an inferiority/superiority complex. These usually have an instable sense of identity with conflicting parts struggling within. If they were clearer on how they defined themselves, or knew what they really wanted, there would be no reason for them to lie. It could, also, be that they were raised in an environment in which lying was necessary for survival. They become addicted to lying as it feels right and safe; thus, twisting all truths as a way of living. Manipulative liars obviously adopt lying to get what they want in a sneaky way. They have little empathy for your feelings. It’s like they coerce you into doing something you wouldn’t want to do in the first place; hence, you feel utterly disgusted when you find out their true motives.

How easy is it to detect deception? Many lies are discovered by contradictory statements or by piecing together information to make sense of things that don’t seem right. This is often fuelled by an internal lie detector we call “gut instinct” that picks up on so many unconscious cues. The literature is bound with guidelines on detecting lies through observing non-verbal behavior. These include: more blinking or fidgeting, speech hesitation, shorter responses or even too much detail, changes in vocal pitch or speed, language patterns (e.g. frequently dropping the “I” from a sentence), breaking eye contact, or even its opposite of being looked at too insistently to make a point. However, and to date, there is enough evidence that even trained professionals cannot detect deception with precision. You may assume that because you know the other person too well, you can easily spot lies, but that’s not straight forward. With enough determination, a liar can cover the truth well especially the manipulative type. It’s even more difficult to know with chronic liars, as it’s all too natural and reflexive. They themselves believe their lies. In the end, there’s no foolproof way to know when a person is lying for sure by mere observation. Many lies would eventually be discovered somehow. Knowing the truth sets you in turmoil, so ideally, what are you to do?

How can you deal with being lied to? Understand again, it’s a sad human condition. Nail it down to being situational or chronic. Is it justified or is it that the other person is being a pathological jerk?

a) With situational liars and big lies: Be cautious of someone who gives you a one-time BAMM!! They lie once, they can lie again. If you care about salvaging your relationship with that person, it’s best to address the issue in a more conversational manner (as opposed to a confrontational style); and only when you have calmed down. Think of the reasons for why you were lied to and the consequences of telling the truth in time. They maybe too scared to face the problem or cannot handle the truth, but you can show them that you can (with some extra effort in certain respects of course). They simply may be asking for attention indirectly. If you do confront, refrain from throwing accusations. It’s counterproductive, as it breads their defensiveness (e.g. withdrawing, counterattacks, denial, or hostility). Focus in your discussion on how it makes you feel to be deceived. Give them a sense of understanding and willingness to deal with the problem and the underlying motives for lying. Always reciprocate by telling the gentle truth as you remain in control of your emotional reactions (that’s the toughest to handle in such situations). Your discussion can eventually lead to a clearer understanding of the whole issue at hand. If things make sense, then be sure to forgive. This way you’ll be the “bigger” person who accommodates for human faults. Holding a grudge occupies unnecessary space in your heart and leaves no room for working things out. Besides, we all deserve a second chance, so allow it. But what if lies are repeated over and over again? You’re on alert mode already if you’re lied to once. It takes time and repeated evidence of sincerity to regain that lost trust – if ever.

b) With habitual and manipulative liars: Those who lie chronically for no apparent gain are to be pitied. Remember that it’s about them (i.e. their personality and life experiences). Even if they were not lying to you directly but to others, you’d reason they could easily lie to you too. You can try to let things slide if they are not important, hint at inconsistencies, or use sarcastic remarks paralleled with surprised facial expressions. If lies stretch too far, you can handle it using some humor to point it out (e.g. say something like: “Come on Pinocchio, your nose is growing!”). It is very difficult to change habitual liars as most of the time they lack insight. They are better referred to a professional in counseling; and it’s very common that they’d resist doing until they hit bottom. Others, who are manipulative and adopt lying for strategic purposes, are to be avoided as soon as they are discovered. Withdraw from further dealings with them if you can. If you’re stuck with these because the situation dictates (e.g. they are colleagues at work or are family), you cannot but resort to standing up for yourself and setting clear boundaries. Asking more questions for clarification would be like inviting in more lies. One lie may just have been leading to another to make the picture more complete in the first place.

In all cases, you really need to set yourself emotion free from the frustration of feeling like an idiot. Deeply reflecting and assessing the situation objectively can alleviate your first outraged reaction when you discover the truth. People have different reasons for deceiving; and if they are good meaning, then work on substituting resentment with empathy and understanding. As hard as it is to be lied to, you need to remember the times you were cornered into lying and had all proper justifications. And don’t forget that sometimes you even deceive yourself just to be happy by denying or ignoring the truth. These are only adaptive defense mechanisms we resort to without conscious attention. When liars deceive, their intentions are good to, at least, themselves. You can only remain alert, empathetic, and self-protecting too. Despite lying being a violation of all ethical and legal principles, we can only tolerate and accept such a – not so pleasing – human condition. Don’t fret about it too much. It’s not easy to live in complete harmony without concealing some truth until one day you’re there.

Lessons I’ve Learned in 2011

2011-12-26T21:51:00.002+02:00

At the dawn of yet another new year, I can’t but reflect on how the past year went by. I have achieved plenty more and encountered many roadblocks that taught me hard earned lessons that affected my choices, decisions, and what I know about life. I’d like to share with some reflections based on both my personal experiences and the patterns I observed in others around me.
In 2011, I’ve learned that:
- When health matters are seriously threatened – yours or your loved ones – everything else seems so secondary. Act is if these are always truly threatened.
- The more you reflect on life matters, the more you’ll realize how wide those gray areas are. Rare are the things that are purely black or white.
- Admitting your emotional vulnerabilities is not a sign of weakness. You are strong enough when you accept that these come with the beautiful package of human nature.
- What confuses us, many times, is that we exist in multiple contradictory profiles. That version you work on most, keep up front & nourish is what defines you after all.
- The reason why some people enjoy spending some time alone is because they’re never really lonely. They have their own most interesting company.
- Confusion is the corner stone of creativity and clarity. If for only a short while, it’s the best thought entertainer. If prolonged, it confines one to an idle mode of inactivity.
- Giving someone your undivided attention and time are of the noblest thing you can ever do. It’s not the end of the world if some turned out to be undeserving or unappreciative.
- Everyone is looking for love - knowingly or not – from different sources (i.e. romantic partner, parent, friend, or co-workers). When love is lacking, it is substituted for in healthy or unhealthy other ways.
- Frustration or hitting rock bottom are the greatest motivators propelling one to take action into changing, but we’re all at different levels of readiness to take charge.
- When you head something, you’ll have a lot of headache. You’ll be fought, ridiculed, and criticized, but you will still find many more followers and supporters to play the game.
- Dealing with tough people is a good exercise of your patience, communication skills, and growth. These people show you exactly what you’d want to avoid being like.
- Many will force their way into your life uninvited. Give them a chance. They could either be a blessing, or yet another lesson.
- Of all existing languages, that which speaks your emotions is most profound. Never hesitate to be nicely expressive (to yourself and others).
- You may remain ground chained by what’s real despite visions of your wildest dreams. It’s okay to keep one foot in reality and the other in dreamland. That’s how you eventually break free.
- There’s a limit to how many times you give others a chance to be more respecting, appreciating, and understanding. You can always withdraw, or keep asserting your boundaries.
- The brighter your light, the more you attract both: moths and butterflies. You’d put the moths in captivity if you focus on the butterflies’ activity.
- It’s best to raise your expectations of yourself and lower them from others. The best helping hand you’ll ever have is at the end of your own arm.
- Pity not those who did not grow rich, or old, or bold. Pity those who missed the opportunity to just grow.
- You know there's too much 'on your plate' when you wish the days were longer.
- The most important date you can ever take is that with your own self.
- Just as a house cannot stand on one pillar, so is life satisfaction cannot be reliant on only one source.
- When you can't change the existing system, create your own controlled system.
- You can always decorate your thoughts with FAITH. It never goes out of fashion.
These are but a few. Let’s see what the year 2012 holds in stock for me. I can’t wait to learn more lessons.

Debunking the 10 Reasons of Why You May Resist “Coaching”

2011-11-09T19:18:00.002+02:00

As a Life-Coach, I can’t help but notice the resistance of many to hire the coaching service especially here in Lebanon (even if it meant offering it for free sometimes). I’ve been approached by many more people who’d want to earn a certification in “Coaching” than to actually be “coached”. I was especially disappointed when I was inviting some of my acquaintances to a workshop I’m preparing with other colleagues in the Lebanese Coach Association on the benefits of coaching. The indifferent responses totally put me down. Some were very frank in saying they’d rather go to a gathering where food and “arguileh” are served. I went like “Ouch!! This is going to be harder than I expected!” It got me thinking of reasons to that reluctance and I found many. I’d like to clarify and debunk these for the few who would even consider, but who hesitate thinking that:

1. I don’t know precisely what coaching is: Our knowledge is never complete. Don’t you want to know what it is? Children are very inquisitive and this is what helps them grow. What happened to the child in you? Don’t you get bewildered at someone saying “I don’t like this thing or that” before even giving it a go? Why don’t you update your knowledge about coaching to better judge whether it could help you or not. For an overview, please visit the link here before reading on.

2. My pillow makes one fine place to share and keep all my secrets: Sure it is! Your pillow would never tell. Then again, there’s a downside to that silence too. Unlike your coach, your pillow will never ever reciprocate your monologue and clear up your mental chatter. How interesting would those conversations be? You need to trust on this: Discussions are commonly deep and touch on sensitive personal issues in which secrecy is always ensured. Trust your professional coach and don’t worry about revealing your inner thoughts, attitudes, and outward behavior. Coaches would never judge you negatively no matter what your background is. On the contrary: They dig up and capitalize on your strengths.

3. It takes too much effort to change: Of course it does! Rarely are successes handed on a golden tray. Many would forget how amazing it would feel to be the better person they deserve to be. Think of your major achievements for a moment. How did these happen? How do you think the turtle beat the rabbit in that long run? It’s through that consistent little effort expended little by little. Your coach will cheerlead you and support you remain focused on your long term vision. Then, the positive changes make all the effort you exerted worthwhile.

4. I’m confident and strong enough to resolve my own problems: Some would even reason: “I know myself inside out and I don’t need anyone to give me advice”. Just to clarify: you’re coach is not your advisor and it certainly does not mean coaching is for the feeble minded, nor for those who lack confidence. If that was the case, prominent and successful people wouldn’t continue to have their own personal coaches supporting them become even more successful. Examples stretch from actors, pop stars, business executives, and politicians. Even the best coaches (like Tony Robins and Jim Rohn) have their own personal life coaches. It’s a partnership along the path of success to fine tune whatever is needed.

5. I have enough support from my family and friends: And this is wonderful; however, can you guarantee that they’ll give you all their full attention, patience, and time? Not only that, people you know are very subjective and biased. They may need you to remain the same way you are to suit themselves better (not you). Your changes may scare them and deprive them of some power over you. Or, it could just be that they would not be as excited about your positive changes as someone you’d hire to help you thrive. Your personal coach is more objective and with no hidden agenda. It’s your agenda at heart. You’re granted full thoughtfulness and support to grow in any area you choose to focus on.

6. I don’t have the time to commit to the coaching process: You’re right about needing to allocate some time for your own self-development. Allow me to remind you that your life is the most important project you can ever work on. Don’t you think it’s worth making the time for? And if you’re pressed with time, then maybe what you really need is someone to support you adjust that “time barometer” right. Coaching helps you start implement positive life changes in a speedy way. It takes only a little portion of your time, but saves you a whole lot more. Left to your packed schedule, you may never start the inward development.

7. It’s a costly service: you’re right about this one too. Same argument applies as above. Investing your time in your own self-growth is no different than investing some money in it too. Besides, your coach is equipped with skills that you won’t easily find in your circle of support. Don’t you think your coach has invested a lot in learning the “hows” and ought to be reciprocated for that knowledge?

8. I don’t have major problems to resolve: Some would argue that they have resolved their problems with a psychologist earlier on and now everything is under control. Now seriously, is everything under control? If this is your case, then you belong to that rare category of people who do nothing and spend their lives in an idle mode. Is playing on the marginal side the right way you’d like to continue living? Yes, you can remain in your comfort zone, but you’ve got only yourself to blame when you realize that life passed you by unnoticed.

9. There’s nothing I can do to change my life circumstances: This is the argument adopted by those who live in a victim mind set, feel helpless, and adopt a passive surrendering mode. These need coaching most. Even in the harshest circumstances, people can still control their attitude (that is if nothing else can be done). Coaching not only helps you see things differently, it enables you to toy around with plenty more options to deal with even the toughest life situations.

10. I do a great job at self-coaching and am already achieving plenty: Shiver me timbers! So you’re the type who thinks “I know it all”. Good for you! Truth is: coaching already assumes you’re your own life expert. But maybe…. Just maybe your high drive leaves you too immersed in your own agenda that the high achievement is coming at an expansive cost to other vital life areas. This is when your coach can help you maintain a reality check on balancing it all while observing what you leave unsaid or un-tackled. Furthermore, wouldn’t it feel better to get a “high five” upon accomplishments than celebrating on your own? Do you remember to celebrate your achievements at all? hmmm… thought so… To top all of the above, your coach will do that for you.

Any more arguments about why you’d still resist having your own personal coach? To my knowledge, these cover it all. And if you still think you don’t need a coach, rest assured you can still benefit by hiring one. It gives you an edge that propels you forward into maximizing your life fulfillment. Your successes will be acknowledged and championed. You will learn how to tap inside yourself to discover your own brilliance and greatest potentials.

May I, now, invite you to give it a go? You can still not “like” it, or choose not to indulge in such self-pampering later. But I am confident, if you love yourself enough, you’ll give it the attention it deserves. After all, who wouldn’t like the company of a better self? That’s one entity you surely are stuck with for the rest of your life.

That “Falling in Love” Experience... & How to “Fall Out” of It!

2011-10-09T19:27:00.004+03:00

If you had the luxury of falling in romantic love, you most certainly recall how it all first starts.

Remember that instance of secretly free-floating kind of feeling?

That oh so rare incredibly beaming, yet purring-like sort of feeling?

That ‘once in a blue moon’ please don’t let me be dreaming kind of feeling?

These are but a few dazzling signs of that first while. You can’t seem to help your face becoming decorated permanently with that smile. It’s as if you’re in trance stretching day and night. Those flickering butterflies in your stomach just won’t stop; and you keep wondering what’s with that soothing numbness you feel from bottom to top. You have this endless gaze in nowhere oblivious to whether the whole world is falling or not. You wish you could travel in time and space to cut short the seemingly endless hours of waiting; and the ridiculously long distances keeping you apart in craving. And when you meet with your loved one, that accidental touch makes your heart pound a hundred times faster. That look in their eyes sends that gentle electric buzz and you go: “where can I burry my eyes next” to avoid any blunder. You oscillate between awkward moments of silence followed by a barrage of held back emotions as if their floodgates swung wide open. And these effects continue and soar to more (I’ll let your thoughts freely reign). Then with time, all probably waxes and wanes ….

Those feelings, then, evolve into stages and start taking on many forms. They grow beautifully in absurd ways; yet, get shaken at times to your dismay. The seas can’t remain smooth forever; and you’re prone to face some storms (big, or small). All are part of the process of having that free-fall. There could be fights, major setbacks, and alarm signals warning you to watch out. Still, you cling to that bipolarity of feeling so strong yet so fragile; so happy yet so sad; having a “ruling of the world” feeling yet a sense of “complete lack of control”. No proper definition can capture what’s going on; and you find yourself unable to escape its tyranny. The only way out of it is through…. It’s like the inevitable bitter-sweet malady… the most pleasant melancholy ……, and then it’s the perfect remedy…. And hell yeah!! We all enjoy how the rich sweet ingredient of it feels; and curse the times of tragedy.

And you’re lucky if it all lasts…. For some, the whole world slowly or suddenly witnesses a collapse. They recognize that their castles were built in void air; and all their dreams were set in flare. From that loved one they are to beware. For different reasons, they realize that there is no hope for continuing the affair. The future seems so bleak, and for more suffering they are to be prepared. Worst cases are when that loved one abandons, abuses, betrays, or turns out to be a complete lie. And they find themselves imprisoned; and believe if they let go, they’d possibly die. Mixed feelings dominate and fight inside. Like victims of circumstances they rage at being helpless. The good memories are still loaded up in their mind exacerbating their distress. Faced with the harsh reality, they still feel hopeless for a good relationship to thrive. It all becomes easier if they learn how to “fall out of love”. And you may often hear them saying: “I can’t possibly find another to love as much. My heart is too weak for a rebirth”. They miss on the idea that some six and a half billion people are roaming on planet earth. Their chances to find another are still very high….

If that beautiful epic fails, how can you help someone (maybe yourself) to let go and blast off forward on a new search? How can one regain that power of the mind over the heart? Let me tell you this: The mind has, in fact, that power already if we just use it right. I often use a technique that I adapted from Richard Bandler - the co-creator of NLP - to help my clients “fall out of love” (specifically the ones who’ve been hurt badly) when they choose to. It just requires recalling good and bad memories with the loved one. Emotionally charged memories are easily accessible, so that piece of it is very simple. Let’s assume you’re the one who wants to be totally free of your X-lover’s power. Just follow these steps in order to make the bad memories predominate and perhaps become repulsed from that hurtful "X-mate".

- Stacking good memories: Recall 4 or 5 nice memories one by one with your loved one. See yourself in each acting out the episode (i.e. watch it as if you were watching a movie). This is what we call a “dissociated” way. It’s like someone else is enjoying the good times (not you). Now run those episodes in black and white and one after another quickly. This drains life out of these memories further. When you’ve done that, run this continuous movie backwards with all its episodes till the day before you both met again. Then make the screen at the end of it go blank. Do this last step a couple of times running the movie backwards as fast as you can while shrinking it in size each time. This is how we lessen that memory’s emotional impact to the point of erasing it. The memory stays there, but its power over you disappears.

- Stacking the bad memories: Now recall as many bad memories as you can (those that hurt you most) with your “X-mate”. This time, watch each of these in life size and through your own eyes as if you were the camera man this time. See what you saw then, hear what you heard, and feel again all those negative feelings. This is what we call an “associated” way of recall. Connect these memories together like a movie one after another. Run them again and again in your mind amplifying them in size, sound, and feeling. When you do this a couple of times, you’ll be fed up! The effects would be like that needed last straw that breaks the camel’s back to fall out of love.

- Oscillate between the above two: Repeat the first two steps as needed and until you can’t bear associating with the bad ones any longer. The good memories will have no effect now that the bad feelings predominate.

- Getting repulsed: Many would still fear reacting lovingly again to their “X”. After all, who’d want to remain a fool? There’s a way to go about that too. Just trigger disgust instead at the mere thought or sight as a replacing thought. Think of something that is really repugnant for your (I’ve heard examples of rotten poo with flies hovering around it, spread vomit, squashed rat, chopped liver, etc… - sorry about that); and make a picture of it. Make it really clear in every way possible till you’d want to puke. Now from the center of that picture, open the picture of your “X” smiling. Repeat this over and over till you associate that face with the repulsive thought. Do I need to tell you what happens next time you see or think of your “X”?

- A brighter future: Imagine a brighter future now without your “X”. How would it be like? Imagine yourself laughing again, free, socializing, and being appreciated by many others. Step into that image and feel what it’s like. Totally different, right?

I truly wish no one ever has to go through this exercise and continue indulging in the “love treat”. Don’t let the fear of any future mishap hold you back. Not the first time; not again if those emotions attack. There’s so much to “falling in love” that you rise with it. You may not need to go out looking for it. It will find you somehow; just permit it. And if it disappoints you later, you can always count on time to heal. If not quickly enough, it’s up to you to speed up the process of recovery by using the power of your mind. We all know pain is inevitable. It’s the suffering that’s optional. So, keep indulging! There is always a way out. It’s through it; by that abide. Keep woo-hooing! It’s the most thrilling roller-coaster ride….

Resolving Relationship Issues: Fit into the Other’s Shoes

2011-10-01T09:49:00.003+03:00

If you’re like most other humans - not living in isolation – you’re definitely involved in a wide array of relationships. And you’re lucky if these were enriching to your life and provide you with the necessary support to combat life’s hardships. Unfortunately, in many, you’re very likely to encounter bumps along the road to have these maintained. And sooner or later you may find yourself in attempts to weather all sorts of storms. Conflict, tension, frustration, and serious misunderstandings can result between parent and child, couples, siblings, friends, and colleagues at work. There’s an inevitable break-up with those you find yourself continuously struggling with. Some people are not so easily dispensable though. You realize that there are grave consequences for cutting all ties; and eventually feel you’re stuck with for life. You attempt different ways to reconcile; succeeding at times and maybe failing at others. And you keep trying……till it sometimes completely drains you. Sounds familiar?

There are few things that you need to keep in mind if you wanted to sustain indispensible relationships (you know…, those that can do you more harm than good if you lose):

1. Keep the channels of effective communication open. Even if you were given the “deaf ear” or the “cold shoulder”, each person has a key. Find it to unlock the silence. Talk about what makes them nicely “tick” and then actively listen to what is said (and left unsaid). Approach conversations in a positive way. This reduces the other party’s defensiveness and, in turn, allows you to be listened to just the same.

2. The luggage we carry on our life journeys makes each of us perceive or interpret things differently. No wonder we vary in degrees. These differences naturally breed conflict. In relationships, it’s best to keep the focus on your similarities, common values, and interests. Doing otherwise would widen any existing gap further. Nobody is expected to share exactly your same thoughts, beliefs, needs, or priorities. Find where you both meet and take it from there.

3. It’s not about keeping record of win-lose battles. Believe that you and the other party are on the same side of the fence. Avoid the common assumption of being antagonists fighting over power. Even if the other party still holds that as true, make it appear they have it. You’re the one in control if you have the right attitude and approach. Where’s the common cause? Find it; and make it a competition to reach a win-win solution that is mutually agreeable. Shift your mindset from having a combative to a cooperative relationship.

4. Ask to work on problems together handling each at a time. There’s no “one” way to work things out. With the other party, expand on the possibilities, solutions, and the consequences of each. Problem solving situations are opportunities in disguise to make your relationships stronger. With the right attitude, you can use these constructively to strengthen your ties.

5. Avoid the focus on the other person’s failings. Always consider their assets, qualities, and good attributes. Mention these during your conflict resolution attempts. It’s no use to open the file of past misdemeanors on every occasion. It only flames relational discord. The best thing about the past is that it is gone. Stay focused on what you can do now and in the future.

6. Choose the right time to discuss any arising issue. If you’re angry, wait for your anger to subside a little. We all know that being negatively charged with emotions can lead to irreparable rifts. If the other party is in a rush (e.g. leaving to work), postpone discussion to a more appropriate time. Careful, as well, to the choice of place (alone with the other party as opposed to being in a crowd). Timing can make all the difference. If you leave things to snowball, it would be difficult to rectify an evolved pattern of grudges piling up one on top of another. Do I need to mention the consequences of bottling up? Naaah…, we all must have a taste of that obvious explosion somehow.

When relationships become strained and conflict ridden, they become an additional source of hardship to overcome. The best thing you can do is to equip yourself with the skill of conflict resolution; and practice navigating your way through proper communication. Who wouldn’t like to live harmoniously with cherished others? Consider the following technique which you can use to positively approach conflicts. It requires you to dissociate and take on different perspectives around the issue you want to resolve. It’s more like a “role play” game (Yeah, it really helps to laugh and play when you have serious issues to take care of :) ). It gets you in a clearer mindset to head on disagreements the right way especially if you’re turmoiling inside.

Let’s do this exercise together. Think of an issue you want to resolve. Alone in a spacious area, choose 3 different locations that are more or less close to each other. Note that you’ll be physically standing on each of these and will be assuming different roles or positions.

- First position: That’s fully you! Think of the situation. What are you feeling now and what’s your attitude about the other person? Fully associate with that role (i.e. mentally travel in time scanning different episodes of your interactions and recalling things you’ve seen, heard, and felt). This is your baseline for resolution. When you’re done, blank the pictures in your mind and physically shake that role off. Move, next, to position 2 (usually facing the first position as if you’ll be conversing with the first role).

- Second position: That’s them! This is when you’ll assume the role of the other party. In your mind, imagine you’re fully them. In other words, be in their shoes, wearing their clothes, speaking as they do, and thinking exactly the way they would. Now is the time to practice “empathy”. Carry whatever degree of emotional baggage and experiences they may have had on their shoulders. Look at the person sitting in “position 1” (the original you). What’s their attitude towards you and what do they want? How are they talking to you? Get into their mind set. Why are they behaving, thinking, and feeling the way they do? Don’t forget to consider their good qualities here. Take as much time as you need. When you’re done, shake it all off like you did the first time; and go stand in position three facing the first two.

- Third position: That’s the role of a wise observer! Now in this spot assume you are a complete stranger to both as if you were a spectator of a movie. Your role here is that of a detached advisor who will objectively give an opinion about what’s going on between the two. Dissociated enough from the situation now, be as objective as you can. What’s going on out there? Generate solutions that are mutually satisfactory. Knowing that you cannot tell the other party (the one in position 2) what they are to do, advise the one in the first position (the real you) of how to better handle the situation. What resources does that person need to handle it right? What was missing in all interactions? It could be more confidence, empathy, better communication skills, etc…. Take your time to discover these.

When you identify the needed resources, and still in that position, remember a time when you actually did have what was missing. Fully re-live those memories mentally one by one. See? You have these already and you can bring them back if you choose to. Imagine that you can transfer these somehow to the person sitting in the first position (again, the original you). You can gesture the transmission with your hands, or mentally. Then, go sit in “position 1” and imagine you’re receiving these through both body and mind. These are your new armor for future interactions. Remind yourself of the 6 points above. Now look at the person sitting in “position 2”. It feels different, doesn’t it? You have a better understanding of how to lead your confrontation and reach reconciliation. You and the other party will both win this time. GO!

Snap Out Of It: Dissociate. Here Is The “How”

2011-09-19T17:22:00.003+03:00

Disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, helplessness, or sadness are but few of the negative states that can put us in a depressed mood. The reasons vary; and when horrific things happen, negative emotions become paralleled with foggy thinking. We may become imprisoned by a chain of negative thinking until our emotions change to the better. Great…., but how do our feelings change? Would you wait for them to change on their own, or rely on external factors to make it happen? What if that doesn’t take place soon enough? How about you play a more active role instead of waiting? Consider the options you have when you find yourself in a depressed mood. You have at least 3:

1. Stay in your negative state, beat yourself up with further distressing thoughts, and worsen your mood further.

2. Kick away those negative feelings directly and bounce back to an opposite state as if nothing happened (more like denying yourself any experience of negative feelings).

3. Allow yourself to stay there a bit just to process what triggered your bad mood; then, change state and focus on finding solutions.

It goes without saying that the nature and the magnitude of the trigger can place you somewhere on that continuum at first; nonetheless, you have a choice to move out, away, or into healthier responding. But which of the above three options do you think is considered “healthier responding”? You deserve to live your life fully, so why restrict yourself to negative states? Hence, the first option is by no means the best choice. One of the beauties of being human is that you have feelings; and to deny yourself getting in touch with your feelings only deprives you of your humanity and gets you in more complicated emotional problems. Hence, denying yourself the variety of emotional experiences is, similarly, unwise. The second option, therefore, is ruled out. This leaves you with option three. Do I hear you say: “Easier said than done!” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about; it’s too difficult to snap out of it”? Let me suggest a tool I often use in therapy and coaching. It’s called “Dissociation”. Many use it intuitively, and it has widespread other uses besides changing states.

Sit in a quiet comfortable place in solitary. Start a mental scan of the events that precipitated your bad mood. If you’re unable to identify a specific event for your low mood, just examine how the previous hours went by. You’ll be surprised as to how easily the main cause emerges.

Assess: Start processing your feelings (processing here means identifying and labeling your feelings). Delve behind the feelings for reasons; analyze and dissect the situation into its main components. Your thoughts about it will feed into your feeling further down, so just allow yourself, then, to be fully associated with your negative state (i.e. feel, visualize, and hear the external and internal dialogues).

Dissociate: When you’re through this examination, physically stand up and face the place you were sitting in. It may seem bizarre the first time, but you’re alone (hopefully) and no one will wonder what in the world you’re doing (keep playing the game of dissociation). Visualize yourself sitting in that seat (make a mental picture of how you were sitting exactly – the other you). Imagine that the one standing, now, is your best friend (i.e. the best friend of the one sitting). Being your best friend now, what would you objectively advise the person in front of you to think feel, and do? Narrate the counter arguments of the situation, draw attention to the bigger picture, list the empowering possibilities, and reignite that person into a better mood.

Associate: Bring in several memories of times that you felt totally happy, confident, motivated, or any other positive state. Associate yourself with those good feelings every time by mentally visualizing each of those incidents, seeing all the details, hearing all the sounds, and re-living those feelings that dominated then. Let the picture become brighter, the sounds become louder, and allow those feelings to grow each time. Finally, get back into the body of the person sitting in that place (both mentally and physically). You still carry those positive vibes, so just permit them some time to take over that prior state as if you were receiving the new empowering vibes now.

When you do this, you will realize how much our thoughts affect our internal states. It is very easy to give in to negative thinking, but these exacerbate our negative emotions. If you want to snap out of it, just allow yourself some time to process what happened then change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts guarantees a change of state. Now you know how you can do that. Dissociate, but follow that with associating into good memories. Says who we cannot be the nautical wheelers of navigating your own ship of emotions?..….

The A to Zs of “Being” at “Excellence” Levels

2011-08-23T22:41:00.004+03:00

Ever wondered about the mindset of happy and successful people who achieve “excellence”? Well, I often have. And examining these people, I found that they make the best of their being; and adopt some simple, yet, powerful strategies to be “outstanding”. They are brain-washed with a certain set of beliefs, attitudes, and thoughts when it comes to dealing with themselves, others, and their life challenges. These, eventually reflect in their best achievements. It’s like they play their cards right. The following guidelines are adopted from prominent self-development figures; and are summarized in an A to Z format of principles to “being” at “Excellence” levels:

A: Accept what you cannot change. Act today without delay. Actions speak louder than words.

B: Brand yourself as having unique qualities. Believe in yourself.

C: Choose to always be proactive as opposed to reactive. Challenge yourself to continually progress.

D: Dream of great achievements. If you can Dream it, you can make it happen.

E: Enjoy doing even the simplest things. Be open to new Experiences.

F: Focus on what you have in times of distress. Family and Friends make beautiful riches.

G: Give more than you’re asked for; and more than you planned. You’ll Gain 10 fold from multiple other sources.

H: Help others when you’re needed. Hear them out. The impact on their lives is what you’ll be Honored and remembered for. Make your memory a good one.

I: Ignore those who try to discourage you. Invest your time wisely in people and activities that help you grow.

J: Joke around often, without being a Jerk (i.e. with decency and limits). Be the one to spread Joy wherever you go.

K: Keep learning and keep trying no matter how difficult things may seem. This is your Key to success.

L: Leave positive footprints where ever you go. Lead others into excellence.

M: Make things happen (don’t wait for them to just happen). Make the impossible possible.

N: Never accuse yourself of having failed. Nourish your mind instead with thoughts like: this was “yet another learning lesson”.

O: Obsess with your own self-development. Optimize on your personal and professional progress.

P: Prior Perfect Practice Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

Q: Quit fighting an endless Quarrel when you know your energy can be channeled to more worthy Quests.

R: Read and Reflect on those Readings. Race to know more, Repeatedly.

S: Surround yourself with people and things you love. Stop energy Sappers from invading your life. Smile often; it makes a big difference.

T: Teach others what you learned or what you want to learn. Talk about your learning. Train yourself to apply it somehow.

U: Under-promise; yet, over-deliver (in business and in your personal life). Unwrap your dormant excellence on every occasion.

V: Visualize your excellence coming to life, and it will. Visionaries were often ridiculed in the beginning, so don’t let emotional Vampires stand in your Vision of excelling.

W: Work hard on Writing down your thoughts, Wishes, and goals. Words clarify when you think in ink. Walking your Written down talk becomes easy.

X: Xccelerate your effort to beat procrastination. There’s so much to being productive each day even in small increments. X-out clutter.

Y: Your life is the most important project you can ever work on. Year in, year out, enjoy the ride.

Z: Zeal is your primary ingredient to achieve more and strive for excellence. Zoom in your goal, be in the Zone, and go for it.

When you model the best, you take the short-cut to excellence. Will you decide to live at your best? If “yes”, how about you start today? Take the short cut. Print this out, read it daily, and brain-wash yourself similarly. Make it your new modus operandis for optimal living. Play your cards right.

The Good News of Being Over-Sensitive

2011-08-17T01:27:00.002+03:00

Being a sensitive person is what makes us most human and reflects a high degree of intelligence and awareness. Some people, however, are overly sensitive (or hypersensitive) because it’s just one of their personality traits (i.e. they are biologically pre-wired to be so), or because of repeated negative experiences (or a combination of both). This extreme can put the beholder at a disadvantage and it becomes double edged. With more susceptibility to external influences compared to the average person, the hypersensitive feel experiences with an exaggerated negative force. This leads to some bad news and some good news to it.

First, here’s the downside of being hypersensitive?

Hypersensitive people are usually affected by criticism easily. They either may not know how to be assertive, or are fiercely reactive. Many times, they can plunge repeatedly in emotional tailspins. In some instances, over-sensitivity can manifest as paranoia and misunderstanding of others’ intentions as being hurtful or taking advantage. If left uncontrolled, oversensitivity can lead the person to social isolation. On one hand, and to avoid any possible hurt, the person may willingly choose to minimize interactions and even restrict forming new relationships. On the other hand, other people find themselves driven away to avoid tolerating the excessive and repeated displayed emotionality. This isolation can constitute a risk factor for compounding any existing initial anxiety or depression further. It is well known that hypersensitivity usually intensifies during times of stress, depression, and physical illness. So, does this mean that those hypersensitive are doomed to emotional distress? Not necessarily.

There’s an upside to being hypersensitive. And if you’re one of those, then here’s the good news in case the above description put you in a panic mode.

Oversensitive people are not as weak as often is assumed. On the contrary: many just allow themselves to feel naturally; hence, are more in touch with their negative emotions (e.g. pain, anger, hurt, etc….). When well directed, this leads them to becoming more psychologically healthy than those who block their emotions. Another advantage of hypersensitive people over others is their high degree of empathy. They are the first to notice other people’s feelings and emotions. This renders them highly likeable, as they are kind, understanding, and least problematic. Furthermore, they are very caring, intuitive, and creative. The constellation of such traits makes them very deep, perceptive, and with a strong urge to be of service to others.

So how can you channel this sensitivity to your advantage?

- First of all deal with your history (if any) of negative experiences. Talk to a specialist, vent it out, and, above all, truly forgive anyone who has hurt you before. Only then you can start afresh. And if it was your biological make up, then just accept it and make the best use of it. Keep reading.

- Change your negative self-talk. All the disempowering noise roaming in your mind can have no bases at all. Monitor the way you’re thinking all the time. Exchange your thoughts with more empowering statements about your positive capabilities and strengths. It’s a matter of what you’re focusing on.

- Be cautious in becoming an emotional sponge in absorbing other peoples’ low moods. Don’t confuse their negative mood with yours. Use your empathetic insight and communication skills to change any perceived negative mood in others.

- Learn to be assertive by being emotionally honest (if you’re not usually) with anyone who crosses your boundaries. If you keep swallowing up your frustrations, your sensitivity builds up at other minor incidents. Remove that block between your tongue and your heart in the pleasant manner you’re used to. Overcome that fear of being potentially disliked (you can’t be loved by everyone anyway).

- Minimize your negative feelings when you sense these are spiraling out of proportion. You have a tendency to over-feel and you’re not bluffing. You’ll handle things better only when you remain in control of your feelings and thoughts.

- Build your self-confidence. It helps to jot down your good attributes and strengths and resort to this list whenever you receive any criticism or negative feedback. Remarks from others definitely don’t define you. You’re the best judge of that.

- Resist the urge to dig for what’s not working right. Do instead look for the good things around. And whenever you feel happy, stay there as long as you can. Be over-sensitive in that happy spot and capitalize on these feelings.

Doesn’t this make you feel better now? Just be reminded that over-sensitive people are often accused of being “soft skinned”. They are even labeled as “handle with care” by those closest to them. But those labels do not carry weak connotations at all. At least, and in moderation, as an over-sensitive person you can be other’s best company. You make others feel heard; and you can probably be the only one truly feeling the hurt of others in their dark moments. The above guidelines can turn things around for you when well practiced. Why not consider joining the helping profession and channel this oversensitivity the right way? You’d surely be a wonderful asset and amazingly succeed there. Give it a thought….

The #1 Stress Buster: Deep Breathing

2011-06-23T21:26:00.004+03:00

In my last post, I listed the top 10 “Stress Busters” used usually to cope with experienced stress. They can, also, be utilized to prevent stress escalation. To me, the number one “Stress Buster” is the “Deep Breathing” technique. I advocate it, all the time, because it is easy to implement and quick to take effect. Not only do we use it to alleviate stress, we use it to control anger and anxieties when these kick in. It is very effective if used in anticipation of fear-provoking situations (e.g. public speaking, fear of flying, etc…). Deep Breathing is usually used in meditation; and as the first stage to get into trance in hypnosis. There is no doubt about the relaxing effects it has on both body and mind. Fretting, fuming, and impulsive reactions are rendered, simply, impossible.

To be effective, however, it requires some “know how”; and just a little time to master it. You need to forget the chest breathing you’re used to and be focused on more abdominal breathing. Here is how the process goes:

1. Sit in a comfortable position and have the intention to relax yourself.
2. Start by taking a very deep slow breath. Inhale through your nose to the count of 4 until your abdomen rises.
3. Hold that breath inside to the count of 2. Tell yourself: “I’m relaxing. I feel relaxed.”
4. Exhale through open lips to the count of 8 feeling your abdomen go back to its normal position.
5. Hold for a count of 4.
6. Notice your body relaxing.
7. Repeat steps 2 to 6 at least 10 times.

You can do this simple exercise many times during the day, or whenever you face a stressful situation. It works wonders in speedily calming you down. I was suggesting this technique to a client of mine who had to deal with a lot of anxieties. As soon as I was done explaining the process, she protested by telling me: “You mean I have to breathe every time I feel anxious?” I was surprised and told her: “You’re breathing anyway and all the time to just survive. The difference, now, is you’ll be doing it more slowly and consciously….” :)

The Top 10 "Stress Busters"!

2011-06-19T17:55:00.004+03:00

Stress….. Who hasn’t experienced it? It’s the underlying fire-engine of much of our anxieties, depressed mood, and many physical ailments. We commonly use the term to imply negative psychological feelings or physical sensations. You’d say: “I am all stressed out!” to mean being off-balance or feeling unable to accommodate or cope well to your life circumstances. And you don’t have to get overwhelmed over one specific incident (e.g. loss of job, or a loved one) to feel the strain. The accumulation of daily stressors exerts its toll on our threshold of tolerance in general. This leads sometimes to “burn-out”. Stressors come in many forms like a hectic workload, difficulty in relationships, traffic jams, or endless multi-tasking of chores, to name a few. They compound to have negative effects on your health and performance with a drip, drip, drip effect that can push the best of us over the edge.

No wonder we are advised repeatedly to blow off steam and engage in stress reduction activities. There are many ways to release all the stress pent up inside. Here are the top ten “stress busters” I often share with my clients. They’re more like armory techniques that you can use in combination, alternation, or adopt just few favorites. Stop and take stock as many as you can daily or over short time intervals:

1. Deep breathing: One of the surest ways to decrease excessive physical and mental tension. Have a few minutes of focused attention on breathing slowly and deeply in and out (i.e. how you inhale and exhale). Breathe deeply at least 10 times while affirming to yourself that you are relaxing each time. One very deep breath can specifically help in situations that push you to a screaming-fit reactively. The old adage of counting to 10 as you deeply breathe relaxes you and can save you regrettable spontaneous reactions.

2. Pray: If you’re the religious type, just pray. Praying is equivalent to drilling your psyche with hope. It shifts your attention to things getting better and away from feeling helpless. You can always decorate your thoughts with faith; it never goes out of fashion. Prayer is another form of positive affirmations that recruits the beyond immediate human power potentials.

3. Listen to music, sing, & dance: Music is therapy, so it’s been said. Choose the type you like and indulge in listening for some time. In your mind dance your worries away. It really helps if you actually danced in front of the mirror especially if you chose to sing along as loud as you can. You’ll be laughing at how crazy you can get; and that’s far better than others judging you display any uncontrolled burst-outs.

4. Exercise: Kick it off as a habit well ingrained in your system; and don’t give the often shared excuse that you need some company to do that. You can be the best company there is. You’ll get to resolve many mental issues during an hour of sustained physical activity. Moreover, your body releases the stress hormones necessary for your physical health topped by the “happy mood” neurotransmitters. That one hour could just be your “happiness” alternative medication.

5. Connect with others: Resort to your social support system. Connect with friends, family, or anyone who is both a positive person and a good listener. It’s been said: “A problem shared is a problem halved”. Be careful not to drive close ones away by whining too much. Hire a life coach, or seek a psychotherapist if you have too much to say. At least they’re paid to support you until you clear things out in your mind.

6. Manage your time: Much stress can be self-induced because of time mismanagement. Feelings of overwhelm can ensue when you’re in a race against time to have things done. Prioritize what you do. List your activities in terms of urgent and important (or valuable). Time wasted doing trivial things is time taken away from your life, so chose wisely. Work smarter, not harder. And if you write a “to do list”, use a pencil (not a pen) to remain flexible as you re-assess while you’re proceeding on it.

7. Humor can heal: You know that smiling is good, but laughter is even better. Seek someone (a friend) who makes you laugh. He or she not available???? Get a funny movie and watch it. Want a quicker fix???? Stretch your lips in a wide smile and bite on a pencil for a while. This maneuver sends signals to your brain that you’re happy. Eventually you will be :).

8. Back to nature: Going out in the sunshine or connecting with nature are enjoyable activities that provide you with energy, fresh air, and a global outlook at the world. It expands your focus to greater things in life. Just what you need to dissociate and look at the bigger picture.

9. Accept what you can’t change: you can get aggravated at your inability to change some things or people around you. Accept these, let go, and focus on what you have control over instead. Save your energy to what you can do for yourself and examine your alternatives. Fighting, resisting, and forcing things are energy zapping reactions.

10. Day dream or plan a holiday: In your mind’s eye, day dream of what seems to be impossible. Guide yourself into a pleasant mental journey elsewhere. Think of the things you’d want to do, have, or be. This distraction can direct your attention on finding solutions instead of ruminating over suffering. It helps if you actually plan a vacation and be serious about its execution. The vacation can be a temporary escape to clear your body and mind, or to reward your self for milestones well accomplished.

The above are strategies to help you combat stressors, but listed on this page will do you no good if you don’t decide whole heartedly to adopt and commit to practicing your choice. There are more stress busters you can resort to, like: owning a pet, taking an aromatherapy bath, playing like a child (or with a child), learning to say “no”, etc…. The list of things that can work out well for you continues, so make sure to get some “ME” time every now and then. We need to keep those stress levels in check before they spiral out of proportion and necessitate more costly rectifications on all levels….

The Stigma of Psychotherapy…. And now Coaching!!

2011-05-26T21:50:00.003+03:00

So I am a psychotherapist….. yeah, that line of practice surrounded by confidentiality, secrecy, pain, distress, and all sorts of tabooed venting….. I’d rather refer to myself as a counselor so as to avoid the “therapy” word in “psychotherapy”. Therapy connotes malady which already is disempowering to any prospective client. I, also, am a hypnotherapist. It still has the “therapy” word, but even if I change it to hypnotist, both are equally scary to those who have not tried it, or listened to my thorough explanation debunking all misconceptions. I, additionally, incorporate “Life Coaching” to my practice specifically to offset the harrowing effects surrounding the process of my dealing with too much psychological distress. Coaching, although confidential like therapy, is more upbeat and cheerful. People who seek coaching are those who function just well, but who want to become exceptional and more fulfilled. Those who seek psychotherapy are mainly dysfunctional, but are daring enough to face issues standing in their way of normal functioning like the average person does.

So what’s with that introduction about what I do? Picture this: The sign at my office door has my name and the several titles I hold below it: Life and Career Coach, Counselor, Hypnotherapist, and Trainer. I usually keep my door closed when I’m with a client. I keep my business card (that has my contact information) below the sign in case someone passing by is enthused to take an appointment. When the card is removed (which is often repeated), I replace it by a new one. I got a message the other day on my mobile by an anonymous asking whether I had another office elsewhere. Anonymous reflected concern and hesitation in coming to my clinic, so I simply explained that it’s not a clinic; it’s just an office. I stressed my theory on clients in counseling as individuals who are not coping well; and that they are not sick people. I added that the only office I met clients in was that little place. How I wished I could add I already pay a high rent for that location. A week later, I got another message from the same anonymous. This time giving her name and expressing the same concern. “I have a lot of issues to discuss with you, but I don’t know if I will have the courage to actually take an appointment. People know me on that floor and I don’t want to be seen there.” she explained. That’s it!! I called her. I didn’t want to keep discussing things through messages. When we talked, she seemed like a young lady who badly needed someone to talk to. After some give and take, I explained that I could see her at times when all other adjacent offices ended their operations. She said she’ll think about it.

Our conversation was like a kick in my chest. It dredged up all past misdemeanors which made me grapple with the idea of stigma surrounding psychotherapy in Lebanon. I was fully aware that my clients in counseling are not too comfortable letting others know about their seeking professional support. I never asked them for my website testimonial despite how much it would add. I base my practice highly on referrals, but people rarely mention undergoing therapy. Most of the time, it is knowledge of someone else who does. Gladly, I have hypnotherapy that branches out from my practice. Unfortunately, that, too, is unfathomed by many except those who have guts and are open to try it (and then ignorance around it transpires favorably). But hey…. I am, also, involved in coaching – the luxury service – that few choose to indulge in. I boost all up with NLP techniques. Helllloooo….I tackle self-development in a variety of ways. To my disappointment, lately, I feel the same reluctance to share with others the idea of being supported impinging and stretching repeatedly to include my clients in coaching as well. And I’m like: “what the heeeellll????” Whatever is discussed remains confidential, but the process of having your own personalized paid-for support system doesn’t have to be. Is it too ego-threatening to mention that they are visiting this hothouse of growth? WHAT’S WITH YOU PEOPLE????

OK, some self- therapy needed:

Identify your emotion Dania: Frustration

Pin point the accompanying repercussions: boiling inside, disgruntled, feeling misunderstood, my office seems to trigger trepidation, this secrecy is counterproductive to what I do, people are ungrateful (I know they all benefit so much), powerless over this one, reaching an impasse, doubting my career choice, dim future vision, slowly sliding into oblivion, it’s going to be way tougher than I thought, more questioning: so is that why many say they will resort to being coached but never start?…….

Change perspective to feel better: Don’t get narrow focused on those who don’t talk about it. There are a few who do. Dania….., you know you’re good at what you do. You always say: “Stir it up or down; left or right; the cream always rises to the top”. Patience precious, patience….. The stigma will surround nothing soon. You’re just now fanning the flames of psychotherapy in the most positive attractive approach. You’re just introducing coaching to your community and even created an association to facilitate that. Your diligent approach on emphasizing self-development will come to fruition. You have friends who resort to you for psychological comfort all the time. Together with your clients who already engaged in the escapade and are experiencing the sing-song effect, these should suffice to eliminate any self-doubt. So what if a few remain secretive? It’s not like nobody is saying any good word about you, is it? Besides you are a psychology instructor and a trainer. There’s no stigma attached to these two areas. You get a lot of satisfaction there. Shrug it off!!

Identify new emotion: Mental toxins flushed out :) Feeling better :)

Future vision now: I believe I can support people change in so many good ways if they choose to. If they choose not to lift up the secrecy veil, then it’s their world and I cannot intrude or impose. I am building awareness with all these blocks being thrown at me. My efforts can’t but spell success; I am sure…..

Self-Therapy session concluded.

Feeling waaaay better :)

The Power of Positive Expectations: Questioned!

2011-04-25T18:23:00.004+03:00

I am a big fan of positive expectations being a healthy powerful mindset that helps us plan and achieve so many aspirations. Many leaders, theorists, and researchers advocate and assert the idea (e.g. Churchill, Spalding, Goethe and Rosenthal to name a few). There is even a rule about it (The law of expectations) that dictates that whatever we expect, be it positive or negative, becomes a reality. If we are totally confident and believe whole-heartedly that things will happen, they will. To us, it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy; and with other people, it’s like drawing them directly or indirectly (through our language, voice, or even body language) to behave in a way to confirm our expectations. The “law of expectations” compliments the “law of attraction” which advocates that we attract what we constantly think about. Together, the two laws ensure that both our minds and the universe conspire to serve our deepest wishes. Our beliefs, assumptions, presuppositions, suggestions, elicited multiple cues, and cosmic energy all work together to have an impact on the course of whatever happens.

Very appealing laws for someone with a positive psychology orientation like mine. I do believe the law of positive expectations works and even preach about it all the time with my students and clients alike. The counter argument was always: “what if we expect something good to happen, but it doesn’t” (Like not scoring well on an exam, or not getting that dream job one had hoped for?) My reply was too often the same: setting high expectations makes one work harder and if things don’t work out as well as we wished, the outcomes may have been worse. It’s just feedback that we need to change the strategy we adopted the first time and keep trying harder. That second trial can make all the difference. I constantly had faith that things will inevitably change to the better if we kept our positive expectations. I am having second thoughts now. Seriously, what if these repeatedly don’t….
I’m revisiting the power of positive expectations lately due to experiencing a series of unmet expectations. Could it be that I was not confident enough that the expected would happen? That’s possible. After all, I couldn’t ignore my internal sensors. It felt like it is one disappointment after another; and everybody knows that repeated disappointment exerts a heavy toll on our feelings. It can knock us down so hard that we lose faith in ourselves or others – even for a short while. I am having my moments of doubt now. It is easy to talk myself out of it when matters rotate around myself. We can always do that: capitalize on our strengths and remember our successes. It becomes much more difficult if things involve maintaining faith in other people. We can never have control over the unpredictability of others’ responses. So many times we expect others to treat us in a good way, help us when we ask, and rely on them to carry out their promises. And then it’s an “epic fail”….. The law of positive expectations doesn’t always hold.

How can we maintain a positive attitude when reality tells us otherwise? This is when a healthy dose of skepticism may be a good idea. Let me get clearer about the concept of “expectations” and redefine that “law” in general and in more specific terms just a bit further. I am seeking a buffer for future disappointments.

1. Set realistic expectations: Extremely high expectations can lead to graver disappointments; and these are harder to deal with. One way we learn is through experience; and one intense event that stirs us up emotionally can suffice to hold us back for a long time. Get a reality check of probable outcomes every time. You can’t expect sincerely to fly like a bird, can you? That’s biologically impossible. You may think of an alternative that takes you high up in the sky akin to that flying bird.

2. Be clear that expectations don’t have to mirror reality later: We can get very close to what we expect, but it doesn’t always have to measure exactly to what we envisioned. Expectations work like a framework or general guidelines that clarify our destination. Be open to accepting “less than a perfect” match. It could be your dream house, soul-mate, or child for example.

3. Have no expectations when it comes to others: Alexander Pope said it beautifully: “Blessed is he who expects nothing as he shall never be disappointed”. I wouldn’t want to generalize his statement to all sorts of expectations. It would be like depriving ourselves of fuel to strive and achieve. But since we can’t control others, nor their circumstances or whims, we’re better off lowering just that threshold to its minimum. I find this dictum only applicable to our relationship with others. Low or no expectations of what others can do to you is the best strategy. They are all fighting their own battles. Rely on yourself. You can still, however, impact them directly or indirectly in their being masters in their own territories. That’s when the law would still hold.

4. Spread your focus and diversify: We sometimes confine ourselves to one primary source to get life-satisfaction; hence, have the same one expectation (e.g. expecting a higher pay-check). We may, also, rely so heavily on one source to get things done (e.g. expecting that exercise alone will help you reduce your weight). Both don’t work. The common adage is true: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”. This way if one thing doesn’t work, there’s still probability in other things meeting your expectations. Who in his/her sane mind would want to build walls of confinement around “more”? That’s very limiting.

5. Reframe any disappointed expectation: Ultimate expectations will be served. Let’s remember that. The baby steps to be there can be thwarted for a variety of reasons. Examine alternative explanations or justifications for why a prospect failed (e.g. there may be many hidden reasons that you don’t know). Shift your focus, then, to the brighter side of unmet expectations. Dig it out (e.g. what doesn’t break me makes me stronger; or everything happens for a reason; here’s my chance to exercise my persistence; something like that).

6. Consider unmet expectations as chances to grow: It’s fascinating to aspire high. It keeps us going. Still, more emphasis ought to rotate around the learning experience and enjoying the ride as you wade your way through (e.g. we really get tempted by quick results when it is the trials that keep us mostly healthy). Furthermore, many times, it is small consecutive disappointments that lead us to much bigger results. Unmet expectations can be used as a catalyst for change, or a shift in direction. Find out where you can go next.

7. Keep a bird’s eye view: Every now and then, take your distance and dissociate. We have the tendency to become too myopic when we get excessively involved. Reconsider, re-examine, and re-asses your expectations. Things evolve and change as you go about inventing your life. Keep alert to pointers down on earth. Change your expectations if need be. Opportunities may come in disguise. Fish these out.

The power of positive expectations? ….hmmmm…. How many times do you actually equip yourself with, but get disappointed. That’s why you hear so many arguing that you’re better off lowering your expectations (and save yourself the frustration). By no means am I totally debunking the law herein; rather, just fine-tuning it a bit. I find it somewhat unrealistic to completely accept that our expectations will be met at all times. Setbacks and disappointments are to be expected along the way as well. To view life in rosy glasses is certainly a desirable empowering attitude that serves us well many times. To overstretch it and claim that things will turn out as we please always is a bit over-rated, don’t you think? The above were a few laws for the “Law of expectations”  I am sure you can think of more….

PS. I expect only a few to read this post upon publishing it (no more than 5 readers) and I guess this will be what I get. Please leave a comment if you’ve read so far. I’m putting that law of expectations to the test now :)

An interview with Maya Angelou

2011-04-02T19:30:00.003+03:00

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...'

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision..'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one..'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Powerfull!!! Really makes you think.....

Life Lessons I’ve learned…

2011-01-26T08:32:00.002+02:00

I received a very inspiring email whose original author is unknown, but I believe it’s a compilation of statements reflecting some life lessons from multiple sources. They are words of wisdom and resonate so much with what I have learned over the years. I am sharing these here in to save others some time in learning things “the hard way”…. :

I’ve learned that in college, we learn lessons and then sit for exams. In life, we sit for exams then learn the lessons.
I’ve learned that a short conversation or dialogue with a wise person is equivalent to a whole month of education.
I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter where you are now. What’s more important is where you’re going.
I’ve learned that it’s better to be considered a turtle heading in the right direction than a deer galloping in the wrong path.
I’ve learned that the key to failure is the attempt to please every person one knows.
I’ve learned that it’s better to regret doing certain things than live in regret for not doing others.
I’ve learned that people forget how fast you accomplished your work, but will always remember the quality of what you do.
I’ve learned that a good height-hiker focuses on the destination and doesn’t look down at the distracting threats.
I’ve learned that some people swim towards the ship while others waste their time waiting for the ship to come near.
I’ve learned that it’s not over when one is defeated. It’s only over when one withdraws.
I’ve learned that the one who wins in the end is the one who has the ability to tolerate and endure.
I’ve learned that when you laugh, the world laughs back; and when you cry, you cry alone.
I’ve learned that there’s a difference between retreating and running away.
I’ve learned that it is the fruitful tree that people usually attack.
I’ve learned that the best feeling you can ever have is the sense of having done the right thing even if the whole world turned against you.
I’ve learned that all life’s great achievements started out as mere ideas with very modest beginnings.
I’ve learned that a smile doesn’t cost anything, but the meaning it carries is priceless.

What Hypnotherapy Is (And Some Misconceptions)

2010-12-07T14:49:00.004+02:00

There are many misconceptions surrounding hypnotherapy at a time when it is only a process of inducing a very relaxed physical and mental state (i.e. a trance) more like guided day-dreaming or meditation. The hypnotherapist, in this process, supports you work-out being stuck, modify maladaptive behavior, or eliminate stressors in multiple ways. Effecting positive change can range from curing phobias, to dealing with low self-esteem, to resolving repressed traumas, to installing new beliefs, and many more….. The whole idea of inducing a trance is to facilitate your getting in touch with your unconscious mind – that part of your mind that has command over much of your behavior, emotions, and ingrained beliefs; hence, make important life transformations. During the process, your conscious mind is asked to relegate to the periphery. It is that logical analytical part of your mind that has everything you are aware of at the moment (i.e. the spotlight mechanism directing your attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behavior). You may wonder: why, then, seek the unconscious mind during hypnotherapy?

Your conscious mind is deliberate and has limited capacity. It relies heavily on the automatic unconscious mind to deal with overwhelming diversified other functions. Known for multi-tasking, your unconscious mind is by far the larger store of all your memories and is the domain of your emotions both of which continue to have influence over you without your awareness. Your unconscious mind is guided by the principle of least effort and loves repetition; thus, is responsible for creating and maintaining your habits (of thought and behavior). Your perceptions are formed, controlled, and are similarly maintained by your unconscious mind; hence, internal and external events are interpreted through schemas formulated at the unconscious level. For your protection, your unconscious mind represses memories of unresolved negative emotions as well as thoughts that are too anxiety provoking for your conscious awareness (i.e. ideas you’d spank yourself real hard for even considering). It, furthermore, runs and preserves your bodily process (e.g. you don’t notice that your heart beats, nor are you aware of your stress hormones being released in your system). No wonder, then, we seek to communicate with your unconscious mind to involve the whole of your mental processes in working for you; not against you.

In hypnotherapy, the aim is to tackle any concerns controlled by your unconscious mind (and these are plenty as briefed above). To help you speed up processes of change, hypnosis takes a short cut targeting the root causes of behavior, beliefs and emotions. Many prominent figures used hypnosis to enhance their achievement like: Mozart, Thomas Edison, Einstein, Sir Winston Churchill, and Henry Ford to name a few. Others used it to overcome their life tragedies (e.g. Jackie Kennedy-Onassis), beat the habit of smoking (e.g. Drew Barrymore), or make it as champions (e.g. Tiger Woods). To date, many are still reluctant to take this quick fix because of many circulated popular misconceptions that portray hypnosis as scary or dangerous. Frequently asked questions are addressed herein to clarify:

- Is hypnosis really safe? Yes, hypnosis is a normal state that you go in and out of everyday without noticing. Spacing out while driving, or being totally engrossed in a movie are trance-like states. An autopilot takes over and you’d be totally absorbed in focus. The state induced in hypnotherapy is very similar. The difference is that your focus will be totally inward on your internal states in a dream-like fashion. After a session, many wonder whether they were in fact hypnotized, as the induced state resembles so much normal experiences. There are no mysteries about it and no magic (though I consider the after effects more like “white magic”).

- Do I end-up sharing my deepest secrets? No, you won’t say anything you’d rather remain private; and you can openly express your reluctance to share your secrets during the session. It helps more, though, if you verbalize your thoughts out, as your hypnotherapist will better be able to guide you in resolving any issue. Besides, why would you be reluctant to talk about what bothers you? Get it off your shoulders. Confidentiality of anything you discuss is ensured through-out the process. That’s an oath your hypnotherapist abides by all the time.

- What if I am the type who cannot be hypnotized (i.e. I’m un-suggestible)? Everyone can be hypnotized. We are in trance at least twice a day: when we wake up in the morning and as we fall asleep. It is your choice to willingly collaborate with your hypnotherapist or not; go deeper or not; cooperate to solve what’s bothering you or decide to forfeit the highway to effecting positive change. It is known that smart people are easily hypnotized because they can easily follow instructions. It’s not a sign of being too gullible, weak-minded or submissiveness. Hypnosis just creates the space for solving problems. And practically we all get immersed in our own thought processes whether we like it or not. The only difference in a hypnotic session is that you will have someone guiding you through the process to achieve the outcomes you desire.

- What if my hypnotherapist suggests that I do things I don’t approve of (e.g. robbing a bank or take off my clothes)? You will never do anything that violates your values or find objectionable in normal circumstances. This myth has grounds in stage hypnosis during which extroverted people volunteer to be in the arena. They totally let go of their inhibition and engage in outlandish behavior. It’s their choice to be in the spotlight, but clearly have an excuse by blaming it on the hypnotist. You can always check the credentials of your hypnotherapist (many charlatans have intruded on the profession and Hollywood movies jazzed up their stories by making up such exciting scenarios). Certified hypnotherapists abide by a code of ethics and would definitely not cross the lines.

- Would I be completely under the control of the hypnotherapist? No, you won’t. The degree of control over you is only that which you allow. Your conscious mind will keep track of all the session details while you do the change work with your unconscious mind. Your hypnotherapist will merely suggest imagery and thoughts that instill a new way of being (one that you choose). You remain at all times in charge of accepting the suggestions or not. You are the one in control of your heightened state of alertness, memory, and concentration. If for any reason your hypnotherapist says anything you don’t agree with, you can still control the flow of the session and express your disapproval. It’s not that you are stripped of any power; on the contrary.

- Will I forget what went on during the session? No, you won’t unless it’s a therapeutically induced amnesia to forget a past trauma (the light can be made dimmer on distressing memories). The empowering suggestions by your hypnotherapist will linger and you will remember everything that took place during the session. The suggestions are repeated continuously to become your new driving force. These will positively influence the way you behave and emotionally react to life events. Unless you are motivated to forget and express that to your hypnotherapist, it is not usually the norm.

- Would I sleep during hypnosis? And what if I don’t wake up? Although many use the term “sleep” to induce hypnosis, it is not “sleeping” per se. It just refers to a state akin to “sleeping” when you experience utmost relaxation and calmness. It differs with sleeping because your senses remain alert during hypnosis. They don’t shut down. You, especially focus more on your hypnotherapist’s voice. I personally prefer to use the term “relax” instead of “sleep” just so it eliminates this confusion. Never worry about not being able to return from trance; the choice to return to your previous state remains up to you any time. And when the session is over, you will always feel more refreshed, invigorated, and more empowered. If for any reason you do fall asleep (i.e. because you’re very tired), you will easily be awakened when I tell you that you’ll be charged extra for “over-using” that relaxing chair .

As a final note and after clarifying the above misconceptions, a survey of the psychotherapy literature by psychologist Alfred A. Barrios, Ph.D. (published in the American Health Magazine) revealed that hypnotherapy recovery rates after 6 sessions were 93%. Using Psychoanalysis, recovery rates were 38% after 600 sessions. Using Behavioral Therapy, recovery rates were 72% after 22 sessions. Knowing all this by now, are you prompted to take a short cut to effecting positive change through hypnosis, or would you rather keep postponing?

Let’s Make Change Easy: 8 Simple Ways

2010-11-20T20:11:00.004+02:00

To effect positive change is not as easy as we’d like to think it is. Most people (as not to say all) think of changing to the better one way or another. We think of changing our life style, overcome bad habits or kick in new ones, acquire new skills, or change the way we think, the way we look, react, or behave. We even consider changing our situations and dream of things to happen, but dreams remain mere fantasies. Many times we rightfully postpone the decision until we resolve some other battles first, but we never cross that bridge. At other times, the need becomes beefier and, finally, a shift to action from complaining takes over. We take the first step towards that bridge.

The impetus to change can be triggered by external or internal forces. External forces can be enticing; pushing us or pulling us to seek change. It could be someone else inspiring (or even threatening), or it could simply be an attractive other situation. The more powerful motivator stems from within. No doubt extreme dissatisfaction (and many times pain) can push us more forcefully towards change. And how many times do we wait to hit bottom before deciding that something should be done?

In all cases, change is not simple despite our highest motivation. It means we have to put in some effort; to give up an easier old pattern of living. Leaving the familiar and changing the status quo could be terrifying; so is stretching beyond our comfort of zone. What we need to keep in mind is that the catalyst of change is a moment of decision followed by commitment to effect that change. The “stretching” further can be facilitated through the following 8 simple steps:

1. Identify what you want to change in a positive manner (your ultimate goal as opposed to what you don’t want). Make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, and Timed). Work backwards in creating the baby steps (mini goals) to simplify it and keep track.

2. In writing, list the benefits and reasons for change. This wraps change in a sense of urgency. You need plenty of arguments to outnumber any resistance in expending the effort. Get clear on the advantages and how your life will be transformed. You need to appeal to your cognitive mind. And when that takes place, it starts to “feel right”. Eventually, it will similarly appeal to your emotions.

3. Observe a role model who has already gone through the process of change. This enables perceiving that what you aim for is doable not impossible. Model what that person did and save yourself some “trial and error” attempts.

4. Build on your own achievements. You surely have had a success (most likely many) of some sort in the past. Remember those times. Self-coach and self-motivate as hard as you can (see step 8 if you can’t do it on your own).

5. Visualize yourself “as if” already having changed (how you behave, look like, the whole situation, etc…). The brain doesn’t distinguish between what’s real and what’s imagined. This is a process of instilling a new pattern and it takes time to replace the old one. Fake it till you make it.

6. Pay conscious attention to your self-talk; to how you’re behaving or feeling. It’s easy to be guided by that same old autopilot and this is where most of the effort resides. You are now on a new mission. Keep reminding yourself of your new purpose.

7. Reward yourself on achievements periodically. We do have a tendency to forget to celebrate. “Little wins” and those baby steps have to be acknowledged. These are great motivators. Capitalize on such positive emotions.

8. Hire someone who can give you an extra push to make it happen. Yes, pay for the service of a coach or therapist (I’m not advertising my services here :) Naaah :). The idea that you’re investing some money in the change process psychologically makes you feel obliged. You also have multiple other benefits beyond discussion here (a change in perspective, a listener, a cheerleader to name a few)

And once change is implemented in one area, other things appear simpler to control. The process kicks in and the momentum snowballs. Gradually, the sense that you are able to turn things round to your advantage makes you more empowered. Change begets change and life fulfillment is but an escapade. The process continues; it’s not another blue- print. You may also need to consider maintaining the change by surmounting the inevitable obstacles you face. These need to be considered mere challenges that are part of your dynamic journey towards change. To those who didn’t know these steps, of course change wouldn’t seem easy. But now you know. Let’s make it easy.

When You Can’t “Undo” It, “Re-do” it!

2010-11-14T20:51:00.003+02:00

Wouldn’t it be great if we had the ability to press “undo” for some past events we don’t fully approve of just as we do on a “word document”? Unfortunately, in real life, the potential for unhappy life experiences is loaded; and we are not equipped with a similar opportunity when things go wrong. We often say things we regret. We find ourselves in embarrassing or painful situations. We even acquire many fears and phobias following just one ill-fated accident. And then, we beat ourselves up repeatedly with the memory until the negative feelings compound and restrict our ability to move forward. We get cornered in between self created confining walls and feel stuck because we carry a heavy baggage of all sorts of guilt, shame, or fear that keep one in place. So, then what do we do?

Well…. Maybe you cannot totally “undo” a previous incident, but there is a smart way to go about it if you have exhausted all other resources to rectify. You can learn your lesson, forgive yourself, minimize the importance of the whole event, and water down the intensity of any corresponding negative feelings. Time can surely heal, but things may drag. It’s more empowering to speed up the process, assume control and lift up your own spirits. Here is one sure way derived from NLP techniques to help you “re-do” what can’t be undone. It makes use of humor and visual minimization. We all know that humor can be a good coping mechanism to deal with difficulty. And we unknowingly and un-deliberately use both minimization and humor to deal with many tough realities. The following exercise combines both in a much more concentrated effort when the need arises.

Imagine yourself sitting all alone in a cinema holding in your hand a remote control that starts a movie on a big screen in front of you. You can control when the movie starts, stops, and play some scenes forward or backward. You can similarly control the sound, color, how fast the scenes go, and even the size of the image. This cinema is the “change workplace”. As you sit there, start playing the episode of that phobic or distressing situation. Watch it all happen slowly. You may experience some discomfort, but that’s Okay. Let it wash over you for the last time. If the anguish is too intense (in cases of phobias), stop the scene, rewind and play it again until you’re able to watch it all through. Tell yourself: “I need to face this for the last time”. When you succeed, stop and re-play the scene backward to the start. Watch it all in reverse (you or others talking or walking backward, etc…).

Next, run the movie from start really fast this time up to the critical moment (taking only a second or two); then run it backward as fast again. Do it a couple of times (i.e. fast forward and backward). The final stage is that of intervention and “re-doing”. Play the scene forward shrinking the image in size till it becomes the size of a postage stamp towards the end. Do this a second time playing forward adding some humor. You can insert the sound of some circus music in the scene and/or make the voices of you or others talking really funny. Add the voices of other spectators laughing as if watching a comedy sitcom while clowns jump around in funny maneuvers. Shrink the scene again as you play it forward. Repeat the same process playing it backward then forward as fast as you can until you feel that your worries greatly diminished and faded away.

When you think about the situation now, you won’t find it as disturbing or fearful as it was earlier. And if there are still any major residues, smooth it over by playing around that movie some more each time adding funny things and fading the colors and the size of the scene. The shift in your new experienced feelings will simply be magical. “Redoing” the episode this way will make you feel lighter and alters your state from that of bemoaning to owning a change in course. Why not save your time, attention, and energy to focus away from that experience and build new positive bridges. Whatever you nurture grows much bigger in size just as a shadow is of any respective object. And you need to accept that some “stains” are difficult to “undo”, and it is much easier to throw a garment than to dispose of our self-image. And unless you decide to let go, and actively shrink that memory, you will remain disempowered and stagnate. Active self-healing may be necessary to speed up the process of discounting the perils of a gloomy past episode, so better not rely only on time to do the work.

Contain Your Anger (for a while)

2010-10-18T22:05:00.003+03:00

Life can throw us in the gutter sometimes when we least deserve it. It makes us prone to lose our temper specifically when we face injustice, shocking news, spitefulness, grave disappointments, or acts of malice by others. We may differ in reacting to such predicaments. Some of us just shake our heads in disbelief and turn our negative emotions inward; some others display their anger openly demanding corrective action on the spot. It might be helpful sometimes to dramatize our reaction to an extent. This is how we set your boundaries so others wouldn’t cross them (e.g. reacting directly to an insult in a mild way). At other times, there’s more to gain than to lose if we suppressed our anger for a while before reacting. I am not suggesting we bottle up our anger (a lot of harm can ensue in doing that). Just contain it a little and channel it properly.

Usually, our first spontaneous reaction in fury is most regrettable. Our problem may compound exponentially. This is because we have a clouded vision and blurry reasoning. The “count to ten” before reacting rule is set specifically for such reasons. You may be tempted to say “hell! I can’t help it. I don’t want to suppress the anger! It would seep in other covert ways!” But consider the alternative. If your anger was towards a person, you can lose the battle if you give your anger free reign especially if that other person has more power over you (e.g. an authority figure like your boss or your parent). The prospects of unpleasant consequences can be inevitable. You can boil inside, but it’s best to control yourself and consider how to best respond. Give your opponent a blank stare with a mild expression of your in-appreciation of what’s going on, ask to discuss the situation at another time (come up with an excuse for why not now), and then off you go to a place where you can unleash your anger as you give the situation some thoughtful consideration.

In your quiet place, start off by dissecting the conditions. You need to carefully plan, carefully phrase what you will say next, and carefully reflect on your options. Ask yourself: “what advice can I give my best friend if s/he were in a similar situation?” As you do, you may find that you are still fuming in anger and need to discharge it somehow. You’ve probably heard of venting out pent up anger through sports, screaming in a remote place, or simply engaging in a relaxation technique. Here’s yet another tool you can use if you want to be in more control of your situation and win over whoever made you angry.

Still, in your quiet place, take deep breaths and engage in mental combat with your rival. Imagine that you are in a boxing ring punching your adversary in the face. Clench your fists and move them with each blow as you live the fight in your mind’s eye. Keep breathing forcefully in and out. Beat your rival repeatedly in the face while s/he becomes too weak to fight back. Tell yourself “The more I hit, the more I take my revenge; and the more I discharge my anger”. There ….. you get more and more relaxed as your opponent finally totter and crumple to the ground. You feel all too exhausted from this anger display and release. Down your opponent goes, but up goes your sense of victory. Tell yourself: “I win! I win you #@#*! And I am very satisfied and relaxed now” Relive the moments of triumph. Change scene and contemplate further solutions to handling your situation. You’ll find plenty now that you are more empowered. Repeat the punching and winning with every option you consider. This will further release any residue frustration.

Some final tips: In considering the scenario of your confrontation, you need to have a bird’s eye view of the whole picture. Now that you got your revenge, attempt to see the situation from your opponent’s perspective, attack the problem not the person, talk about how “you feel” and what it means to you, address multiple solutions, and find middle grounds of agreement (i.e. negotiate to make it a win-win situation). Careful planning of how you handle the situation can make all the difference. Just like you won that imaginary boxing fight in that ring, you can win gracefully in reality. You have equipped yourself with a clearer vision. You would have contained your anger for a while, found a healthier way to vent it out, and planned well your battle. And it’s not whether you can contain your anger or not. It’s whether you want to. And you’d want to remain in control until you mobilize your inner resources, right? You need to turn things round for your own benefit, don’t you?

How Can NLP Improve Your Life?

2010-10-06T11:15:00.003+03:00

Many still don’t know what Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is, or for what purposes it is used. NLP is a very broad field and tends to be linked to many concepts and various settings. Despite the numerous long definitions, I like to think of it as a “pool of tools” to bring more life fulfillment. NLP stipulates that our habitual patterns (mental or behavioral) are highly linked to our neurology; hence, create our habits and programmed responses. Its techniques instill new neurological patterns to replace unhelpful thought or behavioral process; thus, reprogram “the willing to change person” to be more empowered and efficient. It, also, relies heavily on the use of language and this is when it becomes all too therapeutic. Language can trigger a shift in thinking; hence, behavioral change. The proper use of language, also, facilitates more effective communication with people we want to have a positive influence on.

As an NLP practitioner, how can I possibly help you implement positive changes? And in which life areas can we apply NLP techniques? The use of NLP spreads to effectively dealing with dissatisfaction in many areas of day to day living. The procedures work only if one is really motivated to make the changes and expends the proper and required effort. Most techniques involve visualization giving this free reign at times, and controlling it at others. The following are only a few examples targeting specific areas of concern you may encounter:

- Like to dislike: Change something you like or desire to something you don’t like (or vice versa). For instance, you have the continuous urge to eating chocolate, but you know it negatively affects your health (e.g. being over-weight or having high cholesterol levels). Broccoli is one vegetable that is very healthy, but many dislike it. Both patterns can be changed in few minutes through a simple exercise of visualization.
- Change a limiting belief: If you have a limiting belief (e.g. I’m not good enough) that cripples your actions or decision making abilities, a similar exercise can be undertaken. A more empowering belief can be substituted in no time. The technique can help you deal with issues of low self-esteem, hesitation, lack of control, etc….
- Eliminate contextualized habits through the swish pattern: create a substitute action for a habit you want to get rid of (e.g. nail biting, grabbing a chocolate bar after dinner,….). Only habits that are relevant to specific contexts can be eliminated through the swish pattern, not more general ones (e.g. smoking may require a different tool). It also makes use of visualization and an alternative action needs to be well thought of.
- Putting yourself in a resourceful state: This could be used for particular situations when someone needs to feel more empowered, relaxed, happy, or confident – to name a few (e.g. presenting to a large audience). We work on creating an anchor (e.g. an action like pressing your own knuckle) that fires up the desired state when needed.
- Dealing with major negative emotional events: Past traumas and acquired phobias can be overcome through Time Line Therapy. It’s based on the idea that people have a Time Line in which life events (past and future) are organized. You are taken on an amazing mental trip during which memories just pop out there while you’re in a conscious state. Distressing memories are dealt with through letting go of the relevant emotional baggage, reflecting on the lessons learned, and detaching from the distressing event(s). Time Line Therapy can also be used to remove distressing memories all together, change memories, or even create future memories.
- Conflicting parts integration: It’s used whenever you have a conflict towards a specific issue. It could be inconsistencies in emotions towards something/someone, or a conflict in making a decision. The process is based on the idea that we have different parts within us and they all serve our best interest in becoming whole. This technique reduces the conflict among two opposing parts, integrates them into one, and a new state of “ease” is created.

NLP is used in psychotherapy and life coaching. These two areas capitalize on the proper use of language (with self and others) and use many techniques to help people overcome obstacles and limitations. Mastery in effective communication extends, also, to better outcomes in interrelationships and even the business setting. Hypnotherapy is another area that extensively utilizes NLP. Hypnosis deals with problematic behavior (i.e. phobias, anxieties, smoking cessation, insomnia, etc…) or to change negative mental patterns (i.e. low self-esteem, concentration, procrastination, etc….). It branches out as a leading “change” tool and relies heavily on the use of language that is most comprehensive to the unconscious mind.

Any certified NLP Practitioner can guide you through the processes of positive change. The practitioner acts as a facilitator of reprogramming the mind and behavior; the motivation to change and the effort rely on you. If you follow the steps proposed by the practitioner wholeheartedly, you will enjoy the transformation. The techniques are said to work like magic because they take very little time and the results are amazing. And best of all, it doesn’t have to be called therapy (if that makes you a bit reluctant). You won’t be labeled a patient. I’d like to think of it as “empowerment” to move forward. So go on, have a taste of NLP. You do want to improve your life in more than one area, don’t you?

People Are Like Coins

2010-09-29T12:13:00.002+03:00

During my training as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming practitioner, I was asked with my peers to think of some metaphors to share. Metaphors are stories – imagined or real – that carry implicit meaning and may carry several embedded messages. They are powerful in transforming how people think. Metaphors provoke a specific emotion and may be interpreted in different ways depending on what’s going on in the listener’s life at the time. Milton Erikson, a pioneer in hypnosis, made extensive use of metaphors with his clients and the results were always amazing. That is because metaphors work at both the conscious and the unconscious levels. Consciously, one would come up with a somewhat clear conclusion. The unconscious mind, on the other hand, loves to work out symbols. There’s new meaning derived inadvertently; and this creates a new behavioral change driver.

I pondered about the message I wanted to instill for that specific exercise. Then, I thought that I might as well relay my life philosophy about the essence of human nature. That’s a perspective many may disagree with, but that’s the purpose of metaphors after all: to make a shift in thinking. You see, I always thought that people are like monetary coins. They are produced in different shapes, sizes, and colors. Coins always have two faces and carry different themes, pictures, and designs. When they are first put into circulation, they are marvelously shiny and new. Some coins rotate within confined territories; others travel long distances. And still others remain locked behind closed doors. Coins belong to one country or another. They all have worth and that can be relevant to those who hold them. They are there to serve or be used in varying degrees. With time, many eventually become really dirty, tainted, lose their shine, or merely damaged. The writings or design on some coins may slightly fade. It all depends on how these coins spent their life time. It all depends on whether they are in the right hands or not.

That’s all too common knowledge you might think, so what’s new? The most interesting aspect about coins, I find, is their true core. The idea dawned on me some time ago when I was handed a rusted coin. I could barely make sense of the writing or design on it. Curious as always, I wanted to discover what’s behind the rust. What signs does that coin carry? To find out, I thought I might as well polish it, so I did. It was challenging to unleash what’s behind the accumulated corrosion. It took me a lot of time and effort. I knew that behind the rust, I’ll find an attractive design. I knew if I worked hard enough, I could make it shine again. And I did restore that shine; and I did reach to its spectacular core. There it was: the fundamental nature of that coin can be restored if we just remove the surface rust. Coins are beautiful at heart.

We can do a lot to remedy the mishandlings of coins in circulation. Some are easier than others. It would be really exigent to restore damaged, dented, or faded coins. These require more drastic interventions and more people to help out, but it certainly is doable to repair any mishap. Now, I am in the coin-polishing business, but I use all sorts of techniques and skills to refine my practice. So go on….. Give me more coins to handle. Let me restore their shine……

P.S. Let your mind wonder some more on this one (there are many implicit messages there)…..

I Have Grown Antennae: Trusting That Gut Feeling

2010-09-23T19:18:00.001+03:00

It’s weird, but lately I did observe my antennae growing. They are not visible to any eye (not even mine), but I can feel them. You have these too; only they do not resemble what you might first picture. I am referring here to those “gut feelings” or “implicit knowledge” about things that bubble up inside us. Many times we just don’t trust these and, instead, choose to disregard. We start giving reasons, analyzing logically, and sometimes hoping that things will be what we expect, or want. Our judgments rely so much on the apparent and we get so engrossed with conscious scrutiny that we block the “little voice” inside our head saying “Hey…wait….!!!”Happens all the time, doesn’t it? Well…. I am learning to listen to that “little voice” and give it the consideration it deserves.

To demonstrate: Recall a time when you were having a conversation with someone and then you split, and went in different directions. You may then find yourself in a bad mood (or a good mood). What happens here is that if you think hard about it you can’t pinpoint the real reasons for the mood change. You just have a bad/good feeling about the whole meeting with that person. Actually your antennae picked up how that conversation went; and it’s all stored there at the back of your mind (your unconscious mind). It knows the reasons. It could be one remark or other subtleties in behavior, posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice. You just didn’t pay attention, but that radar in you did detect it. That is why it precipitated into having that bad/good feeling.

Take another example: you’re facing a quandary and need to make a decision. You contemplate the facts to the nth degree, mill about it, exhaust the statistics, and list down the cons and pros of the whole situation. Okay done, I’ll do “this”, you reason. But when you do decide, you find that something inside you isn’t quite approving. Despite the well-formulated assessment, that “little voice” says take “that” other option. This happens because your antennae know more than you consciously are aware of. You did miss some important information to base your decision on, but that gut feeling knows better.

And… another example: you know someone – a friend let’s say (could be a potential lover). You spend good times together and enjoy yourselves to the max. You bond and your chemistries combine into a fine relationship. Your new friend may appear very loving telling you things you’re thirsty to hear. Still sometimes you sense things in your friend’s behavior that contradict what s/he declares openly. Something makes you feel disgruntled, but you can’t pin point why. You deny and refuse to believe your analyses because you’d want to maintain good faith in how your relationship is going. You resist that “gut feeling” despite knowing it has the big picture. You don’t want to lose your new friend. And then your friend clearly messes things up and this is when you say “I knew it all along, but I just ignored it at the time”; and then you start whipping yourself.

I am sure you can think of many more examples. Sometimes we look too closely at things when all we need to do is just “feel”. It’s been repeatedly documented that our attention is very limited and we cannot pick up consciously on all the sensory information we’re bombarded with. We notice only a few, but the rest is perceived by those antennae (at the back of our mind). All the surplus information that we cannot register is kept there in store. That information builds up inside and create that “gut feeling” in your stomach, the unease, or the “having a good feeling about it” phenomena you always experience. So learn to grow your antennae further and resist sliding into oblivion. Trust and embrace that “little voice” when you hear it. It has more information than you can think of…..

Waiting Out The Storm

2010-09-18T23:52:00.002+03:00

“To fight the storm may not be the wisest decision and by no means is it surrender when you wait it out” so I told myself just recently. That’s how I self-pacified as I found myself battling external forces beyond my control. You see, I am a “big picture” person who’s also a fan of goal setting. I get to achieve a lot by designing baby steps to reach my final objectives. I had earlier formulated some plans to grow professionally during the summer. Lo and behold, those plans were consistently obstructed; thus, got detoured. I was thrown off balance as I found myself drowning in arranging outings for the kids, meeting up with friends who came to visit from abroad, and getting involved in numerous other social obligations that usually intensify during the season. There I was involved in the plans of others; not my own. I was fighting and resisting just keeping up with meeting my own deadlines. It felt as if I was struggling in a storm of opposing forces pushing and pulling me astray. The fight drained all my energy; thus, leading me to feel entirely frustrated.

I had to step back and revisit my agenda. It makes no sense to keep grappling for something at the expense of other equally important endeavors. It’s futile to expend all that effort and choke under my own pressure when it’s not the right time. It’s brilliant that I aim for the stars, but so what if I miss. I can still hit the moon and then aim at the stars again. Why would I need to be too dogmatic and strictly abide by any schedule when there’s a need to pause for a reality check? Why not reorganize and reassess my agenda? When the circumstances are all too powerful, flexibility is a sign of strength, not surrender, isn’t it? All storms in due course subside; and the sun shines again. I can then easily swift into my routines and stay on track of plans. I’ll have to be content with whatever I can achieve when the surrounding conditions are beyond my control.

When you think about it, this resolution can be generalized to many other life situations we face. If we consider implementing most decision, good timing is a highly contributing factor to their success. For instance, would it be a good idea to approach a fumingly angry person for a favor? Consider your desire to quit your job amidst unemployment. Would it be the best idea if that job supported your living expenses at the time? You certainly would not leave on your arranged vacation if your best friend just got devastated at losing a loved one, would you? As long as we maintain a clear picture of what needs to be done and don’t defer it repeatedly on our agenda, rescheduling is more sensible when the going gets tough. It does not imply ditching our aspirations, nor does it mean we lost the battle. We just wait for better moments in time to carry out certain choices. Again, “To fight the storm may not be the wisest decision and by no means is it surrender when you wait it out. Action is best during the right climates.” ~ 3Ds

Talk To The Chair!!!!

2010-08-04T11:53:00.003+03:00

Doesn’t it just irritate you when you try to make a point to someone and all your arguments fall on deaf ears? You feel so un-listened to and some, in a humorous way, would even tell you: “Talk to the hand” as you advise, give your point of view, or otherwise. Many relationship problems quickly soar when one or both parties would not listen well enough. It happens all the time between friends, parents and their children, husband and wife, and even colleagues at the workplace. Each would be engaged in mental rehearsals of certain arguments to shoot on when the other person pauses. The end result is grave misunderstandings, anger, resentment, or anguish especially if the issue being discussed is rather serious.

What we need to pay attention to is that despite differing in opinion, there’s a kernel of truth in both party’s point of view. One that seeps unnoticed or remains invalidated during discussions. The ineffective communication may reach a deadlock and naturally frustration can ensue. Many scenarios may follow: the infamous silent treatment, escalated conflict, or other drastic negative measures undertaken by either party. So how are we to effectively deal with all the negative feelings before things compound to that extent?

Instead of “talking to the hand”, in therapy, there is a procedure called talk to “the empty chair”. It is used to soften the client’s anger or resentment towards the stressor (i.e. source of stress). Anyone can use it when there is disagreement to gain clarity, alleviate the grudges, and modify off-putting behavior. Try it yourself if you may. Simply, all you need to do is sit in a room and face an empty chair. Imagine that the person you have a disagreement with is sitting on that chair. The baggage you have has to be unloaded; the rage needs to be released. Tell that person your point of view all over again. Let it all out. Don’t leave anything unsaid (even it was harsh). You don’t need to act out your anger. Say things in a calm manner as if trying to persuade that person once more. Experience the feelings you have. Make your conversation as detailed as possible. This process will help you understand yourself and your attitude better.

When you’re done, switch chairs: sit in that empty chair and face the seat you were sitting in. Now imagine that you are that person and start replying in that person’s logic to your previous conversation. See the situation in that person’s eyes; use the reasoning that person has. Exhaust all the arguments that s/he would want to say in response. Similarly, engage that person’s feelings, and fully express his/her point of view taking all the time necessary to gain clarity. Find if there is any good or bad will, reasons, ignorance, or shortcomings. Acknowledge out loud all these on behalf of the person.

You, lastly, need to change seats again. This time, choose a new seat; different than the first two. Take on the role of an observer and start recalling the previous two conversations. What would an observer say about those interactions; and how can the two points of view be reconciled? Give advice on how better to handle the disagreement/situation. Do the best you can to be objective. It can be difficult, but doable.

Finally, go back to your original seat and face that empty chair again. Start arguing about your point of view. You’ll find that it comes with less intense negative emotions. There still is disagreement, but trust that next time you converse with that person for real, the flow of the conversation will be much different, less intense, and more understanding. You were in his/her shoes and will be better prepared, more convincing, and more in control to handle the opposing arguments.

One more tip on how to crown your point of view with success: persuasion works best when you start off with the other’s point of view (and after that exercise, you know it really well). Say first what they would normally say, and then refute it. This is how you get the other party’s attention. They get to really listen when they hear their own logic to; then slide in your point of view. Eventually you’ll find that instead of being given the “talk to the hand”, your chances to score rise drastically. So next time you disagree with someone, and you really want to win, why not go “talk to the chair” first?

Tearing Out Pages from Your Life Book

2010-06-23T22:21:00.002+03:00

During my recent hypnotherapy practicum, one particular tool (more like a metaphor) drew my attention. It was in line with my future book project on “Coping with Realities”. The tool was an aid to deal with past painful emotions or memories. If not properly dealt with, these become heavy baggage with a grave negative impact on one’s personality, emotions, and behavior. The general gist of such a hypnotic exercise is to bring awareness that whatever already passed is past; and cannot be changed. What we can certainly change is what we can do now. The exercise works best if you are a visual person and have the ability to imagine taking a trip through your mind’s eye into the unconscious mind. A hypnotist can guide you through, but you can also do it alone. It goes something like this:

Take some time to relax a bit, relax, yes, breath, relax, more and more…..
Close your eyes, and then imagine you could scan the inside of your mind. You’ll have all sorts of ideas that flow in and out; come to the spotlight then fade. That’s your conscious mind. It has only a limited amount of information lying in your immediate awareness. Scan your mind further. You’ll find a corridor leading to a closed door; one that only you have the key for. As you open that door, you’ll find a big dark room. You can barely see that its walls look like a vast library with books arranged all over. You can smell antiquity in that room. You can hear very faint voices from your past echoing. You feel cool in that room; not cold, not hot. Look around. That’s your unconscious mind. It’s your whole life kept in record in there; organized perfectly in order. You can hardly remember all the details each small book has, but in these, all your past experiences are documented. These have shaped your present automatic habits of thought, behavior, feeling, skills, reactions and even your perception. All constitute your implicit knowledge. Whatever you’ve learned in the past was largely at this unconscious level. Your unconscious mind is very secretive (it wouldn’t easily disclose the books to your conscious mind; hence, the locked door). It is also very clever at disguising and distorting many experiences (especially traumatic ones). You can, nonetheless, access all this data; albeit, with some difficulty.

Keep imagining…. There’s a long reclining chair in that room. Next to it, a big hard cover book rests on a side table. That’s the summary book of all your life experiences. It includes all past episodes assembled in chapters. Lie down on that chair. Hold that book and look inside. Flip through those pages. What do you see? Some pages are probably colorful carrying many wonderful memories. Others are dark and gloomy involving hurtful experiences. Pause a bit on those. Do you really need to leave those dark pages in there? They spoil the whole book of your life. You’d rather have it all colorful, don’t you? They’ve had their negative impact, but that’s long gone now. Look thoroughly for these episodes and decide that you don’t want to see them as part of your life any longer. Let’s tear out those pages! Yes, each and every one of them. Do it with force! Are you through? Your book is missing some pages now, but you have many more white pages to fill with colorful bright images and memories from now on. Wouldn’t you want to do that? Close that book now and carry those torn pages as you walk out of that room. Lock the door and choose to dispose of these in the closest recycle bin you can see in your mind’s eye. Come back from your short journey to where you are now gradually. Slowly open your eyes. You’re fully alert at this moment and feel fantabulous in every possible way, aren’t you?

There….. If you follow these steps while taking your time, I bet it brings you much relief and drastic life changes. This is how you deal with harsh realities that are past and gone. You can’t change these, but you can eliminate their negative impact by dragging them out of that store. They don’t need to define your life. You choose to let these go and free yourself by forgiving. Look at you! You have reassumed control over your life course at present. No such past episodes matter any longer. Your unconscious mind wants to be your best ally; befriend it. It’s only the vast library that helps you easily act, feel, perceive, and react. How else do you think you learn? When what you learn sabotages your growth, revisit your unconscious mind and do what’s necessary to remove that imprint from your life book. Tear out those dark pages. What’s important now is to author the rest of the blank pages with only good memories and bright colors….

Voila…. Just by reading this, you have indulged in some sort of self-hypnosis :) and if you had let yourself imagine the whole scenario, it would have definitely put you in a more empowered mind set :)

Your Attention, Please!

2010-06-16T22:08:00.003+03:00

I always looked forward to celebrating my birthday; and just last week I did (Yay!!! I am one year wiser!). What I like most about my birthday anniversary is the sing-song like excessive attention I receive – one that stretches a few more days many times. Family members recall and make the effort. Very dear friends call, send messages, and write on my Facebook wall. It feels so darn good to wear the crown and be in the spotlight. Give it a few days and that attention levels off again, but so what? It surely makes a lot of difference on that exceptional day; even if it was for just one day. Get that sort of attention every day and it will have a counter effect akin to what celebrity figures suffer.

Most of us crave attention; yet, we give and receive it sparingly. Do we have to wait for occasions to provide others with such a positively mood altering doze? Think of those people you love to associate with. Aren’t they the ones who are most attentive to you? Those skilled communicators you admire; aren’t they those who make you feel really engaged? They look you straight in the eyes as you speak and their gaze shoots very deep that you feel the connection touching your very soul (it sometimes gives you the creeps). Among the crowd, they address you by name to relay the message that “you’re not just a number”. You’re gently forced in sync to any point they relate. Compare how you feel then, with what conjures up when someone is only partially involved in your conversation - being too busy with his/her mobile (answering messages or emails) for instance. What a disappointment that would be especially if you were the only two out there.

Almost everything in life responds positively when given sufficient attention (e.g. plants, work/business, pets) especially us, humans. It’s an energizing force that triggers a host of positive emotions; and has a spillover effect in different walks of life. It embeds a lot of meaning: care, respect, responsiveness, love, appreciation, presence, and the like. Get deprived of it, or lose it, and a state of distress precipitates. It may transform into jealousy, anger, de-motivation, sadness, or feelings of ostracism. No wonder we witness people retaliating, siblings engage in rivalry battles, marriages collapsing, employees becoming less productive, and friendships breaking-up. I am not suggesting we overwhelm others with too much attention. That sort of obsession-like focus can lead to similar problematic byproducts.

But is it easy to provide others with our undivided attention all the time? By no means is it that simple. We come equipped with limited attention spans and are easily distracted. But at least we can train ourselves to be fully there in our interactions. Be aware of what others are saying (and even not saying). Many of us filter out all sorts of sensory information – especially listening - as others try to make a point. We engage in mentally preparing our arguments instead. We fail to consider that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason: to listen more than we speak.

What about the targets needing our attention? Can we possibly be fully attentive to all people we know? Again, our mental and time resources are limited. We can’t but be selective and prioritize as to who deserves our attention most. Never mind those with sufficient support. They may be saturated enough to develop a flight reaction. Clearly, people dear to our hearts come first; others who appear to be receiving little attention come second. They do need that extra push. It’s worthwhile to seek them out if you’d like to make a difference. You might just be their catalyst for positive life changes. Your life must have been de-toured by someone else somehow. Wouldn’t you like to leave a fine mark in somebody else’s journey?

The Omnipotence of Self-talk

2010-05-30T19:45:00.003+03:00

As you read these lines, don’t you hear your own voice in a whisper like tone echoing behind your eyeballs? Most probably you do; and it is not deliberate. You’re always engaged in self-talk and despite this being a characteristic of your mental chatter, you seldom monitor it or pay attention to. This is the way you think. That voice creates your inner idiosyncratic world; so private no one knows what’s going on in there.

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU READ THESE LINES NOW?? WITH ALL THE LETTERS WRITTEN IN CAPITALS?? DID THE TONE OF THAT VOICE INCREASE IN VOLUME SOMEHOW? I bet it did. The tone of your self-talk changes volume all the time. Similarly, the type of language you use varies. Like it or not, your mind is constantly buzzing with thoughts and ideas. Your internal dialogue is quite a phenomenon of the mind; however, it is a double edged sword. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It steers your emotions and is the commander in chief of your behavior. Let me elaborate.

Think for a moment about a time when you did a grave mistake. Did you drone in endless self-reprimand? Did your self-talk resemble barking orders at yourself like an angry mother whose child had just dreadfully misbehaved? What sort of language did you use? How did that make you feel? Guilty as hell, right? Words like “Shame on you” and other inflammatory accusations could ignite a sense of being a failure. Invective language can swallow your self-esteem. How can you later be confident in anything you do? This activates a cycle of hesitation and inadequacy in dealing with the new.

Now, can you recall a time when you applauded yourself on a job well done? You probably used affirmative language recounted in the sweetest cheerful, even, sexiest tone ever. Your positive self-talk compounded your feelings of triumph till you were full to the brim. This process may have sent waves of euphoria to the rest of your body till you were ecstatically numb. And what a feeling! What a state to experience! It gives you an impetus towards further action. Now you’re full of yourself; more confident in doing the right things.

These are but few examples to demonstrate the influence of your inner voice on your feelings. Your emotions are so tied up to your self-talk; and consequently so are your actions. You not only engage in external battles with opponents or situations; you top it up by internal mental battles between thoughts that may sway you in disperse directions. There’s a dialogue running in your head constantly and it ranges from minor assessments of what you or others do, to making all sorts of decisions. You internally speak the ideas roaming in your head. You tell yourself what to do or how to do it. Your internal dialogue can focus your attention narrowly or makes you open to a world of new possibilities. It can cripple you dead, or serve you well.

Your self-talk makes you an almighty human being. Change your inner dialogue when you’re feeling down and your mood changes. To err is human, but you don’t need to keep whipping yourself for something past and done. “Note taken, I’ll learn from it” and then move on….. If you aspired to keep empowering yourself, you need to be a master of your thoughts. Change your language and be gentle with yourselves before your self-criticism escalates into self-destruction. And when negative self-talk seeps in, refuse to empower it by denying it further energy. Stop, and change that detrimental chitchat.

If you hadn’t before, start paying attention to that inner voice of yours. Befriend it and use it as a tool to appease you, guide you, and pull you towards progress. After all, self-hypnosis lies squarely on such self-talk. It’s what you want to become that you tell yourself. It’s the new “to be created you” that you converse about. And you don’t have to be hypnotizing yourself to change your inner language to affirmative statements. Just practice positive self-talk until it becomes an iron-clad ritual that works for you: not against you.

Nourishing the Poet in Me

2010-05-17T08:01:00.005+03:00

The old adage is true: “Whatever you focus on expands…” You keep thinking in negative terms and these surely become beefier and compound. You put the spotlight on one direction and it’s a sure way to discover the multi-paths to be there. A lot has been said about the effects of what you feed your mind with as steering your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I experience this all the time and have countless examples.

This philosophy is particularly interesting to me now as I found myself putting my “poet hat” on after reading some poetry lately. A precious friend of mine gave me a book of poems he authored some time back. I became engrossed and totally relished in reading each piece. I re-lived his moments of both joy and despair. That book - a simple gesture - flooded my mind with a whole barrage of whammed emotions and ideas. They stirred up a long forgotten poet residing in me. It was as if someone has pressed my “hot button” on. That book was a “sign”; and doesn’t the universe keep sending a myriad of these all the time!

I regressed back in seasons when I used to express myself in poems. How can the seeds not sprout this time? They were being re-fertilized and nourished. My mind was fed with super sensitivity, proper articulation, lots of metaphors, and with musical rhymes. I was compelled to express myself as he did (probably not as well, but it’s a good re-start). I am sharing a piece I wrote here as (maybe) part of the “forward” of my book - in progress - on “Coping with Realities”. I thank my friend for feeding my mind with things I have a potential for. I hope one day I similarly nourish the mind of my readers with means to better remain in control of their lives.

Here it goes:

Life is so fascinating, so I thought when I was a child
Orchestrated around love, play, wonders, dreams and delight
Then, with time, things changed and complexity piled
I became all too cynical bewildered and resisting in plight

Told myself, don’t take flight, young lady, stand up right
There is more to it… at the end of the tunnel, there is light
You’ll comprehend how it goes one day, I promised
But gray areas were everywhere, there were no black or white

Till now, most apparent truths seem far from real
Life throws many ordeals that perplexity incite
Growth of wisdom and strength these conceal
It keeps getting better and better, at each I recite

As a child, little I understood about life’s technicalities
Days pass by, each bringing new thought provoking insight
Grew up to cope and deal with hard earned realities
As an adult, today, about these I am passionate to write

Life is not meant to be fathomed by the best trained mind
My innocent hunch way younger, now I see just as right
Keep looking for the bright side and overcome being blind
It’s all about turning gold whatever you encounter at first sight

For me, that’s not a bad start. And who knows maybe that was just the beginning of yet another ride? :)

Enjoy the Price Tag of Success: Keep Raising The Bar

2010-05-12T22:21:00.005+03:00

“Success”…. Big word …. It can connote minor achievements like eliminating a bad habit, finding the right career, or even working out a good relationship to victory or recognition in a broader sense. It is true success can be a twist of fate sometimes, but mostly it characterizes the hardy ones. Those who plan, persist, take action, are focused, and constantly revise and ameliorate their strategies. It is a culmination of passion to what is being done. It typifies those who are determined to run the extra mile; those who endure the hardship and surpass the challenges. They resist being sidelined and refuse to live on the margins. They’re out there on a mission; determined to make a difference. And when they do claw their way to the top, it feels so good, but could it come at no repercussions? Probably not…..

You see, there’s a high price for success (a downside) despite its entire lure. To make it, the hard work entails incurring a physical tax and some psychological drainage. This is one reason why many would want to “play it safe” and not engage in the battle. Let’s consider those who become really noticed (i.e. prominent figures in their field, celebrities, etc…). They eventually become a smoking hot topic in circulation. They are either admired (by the mature), or resented (by the jealous). The latter category represents an additional toll. Successful people raise the bar; hence, become easy targets of envy, attacks, and undermining. If others are unable/don’t want to catch up with similar standards, they downplay the successful achievement by ignoring, searching for pitfalls and flaws, or vilifying. Those are considered the typical “kill-joy”.

Does that mean you give up attempts to thrive (even at minor matters)? Avoid all these costs? “To fly we have to have resistance” Maya Lin once said. Expect the “price tag” and along the way, take care not fall off the cliff edge. Keep in mind 3 detrimental expenses that can befall the unwary heading the path of great accomplishments: your relationships, your health, and your sanity:

- Your relationships: Embrace those who admire you and don’t drift by deceit or arrogance. They look up to you as a leading example. Deal with those who envy you. Either ignore them as the nuisances coming with the new package, or team them up on your side. You can transform the battle from being combative to more cooperative strata.

- Your health: Monitor your physical health routinely (take time to refuel). Too much hard work and focus can make you lose sight of bodily symptoms warnings. You need to intermittently fan the flames of your passion; and this only works if you’re physically fit to endure the battle. When signs of “strain” are not attended to, it can result in “burn-out”.

- Your sanity: Above all keep your sanity in check. Emotional exhaustion from leading the battle can bleed you dry. You feel you want to chisel your success in stone, but fear of losing the achievement can enslave you; and the constant attacks can get to you. Resist attempts at isolation to escape it all. Expect, analyze, and arm yourself with insight at how things go and how best to cope. Make time for enjoyable activities and ask for a laugh here or there.

Lastly, with the above in mind, you don’t need to stay standing at the edge of life just because there’s a price tag to succeeding. Re-interpret the price of success from “paying” or “enduring” to “enjoying” the ride. The attraction is still out there. It still brings you a lot of satisfaction and admiration by the mature type. You’re a role model, an inspiration and a leader with many followers. Hard work cannot seep unnoticed. Yes…. Be there…. Illicit a “WOW! I want to be like that!” Keep raising the bar. And remember: “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.” ~ David Brinkley. So, where do you want to make your mark?

The Perfect Escape

2010-04-30T21:22:00.003+03:00

See that picture up there? This is where I am yearning to be. I usually don’t publish posts that I write during my weak moments. But I have few readers anyway:). To those I say: I am dreaming of this perfect escape. You see, I am human; and I perfectly understand that the good and the “not so good” people abound around. It’s expected…. Still, it bugs me to know that people try to take advantage whenever they can. Many would equate kindness with stupidity; and others would lie to my face as if I wouldn’t know. I can’t change these people though I do my best to draw the line. Many would persist and this frustrates me even more. I find myself dealing with others who are on a totally different wave-length.

I realize that there’s little I can I still do (I am assertive, but not aggressive). I can only change the way I feel about all this. This is why I need to plan the perfect escape. Somewhere I can reorganize my thoughts, feed my mind, and detoxify. That picture is the ideal place for me to be with myself (I could be very good company for myself you know). If that place is not accessible, I’ll settle for something similar (and I always get very close); and if that is equally not possible, I’ll dream it. In any case, I need some space. There it goes…. My thoughts out loud about the harsh truth…. No editing this time :)

Go Ahead, Blame it on “NO Time”

2010-04-20T20:42:00.003+03:00

How often do you hear people saying “I don’t have the time to do this or that…”. If we scrutinize the idea of lacking the time, more often than not, it’s just tossing around an excuse to escape doing something. In reality, we are not MOTIVATED enough to make the time for it. We inadvertently scan the significance of our actions as we decide if something is worth attending to, or not. What’s the alternative? How important is it? Is it a priority? Is it my sole responsibility? What’s the yield for me? Can someone else do this instead? We are in a race against time and it’s enough that much of it gets devoured by external forces. We are taunted and goaded into action by duties and obligations, so we’d rather be very selective in spending whatever time is left for us (rightly so); thus, relegate many things to the periphery of “no time to deal with it.”

The main concern arises when we succumb to habitual patterns of not doing, and blame it on lacking the time. Take for instance the infamous argument of not having the time to exercise (hear it all the time, right?). How come those who have a serious ailment, and were advised that the best way out is to incorporate exercise in their routines, would miraculously fit it into their crowded schedules? They’d get up earlier in the morning, expend the extra effort after working hours, or even interrupt their day for a jog here or there. Look at how productive those working mothers are when compared to home-stay moms. They effectively manage their time and efficiently deploy their energies to make all ends meet. Aren’t you amazed by those who multi-task and are constantly fired up to self-improve? They jump from one thing to another, planning ahead, setting goals, and are in a relentless battle against inertia.

What makes those people different is their ability to CREATE the time even if it meant doing nothing more than recharging their batteries. They are more focused on what they want, make conscious choices, and are experts at time management. In the end, what we carry out expresses either our obligation or motivation. We can blame in-action on lacking the time, but the truth is we have ample time. Twenty four hours at our disposal; the week is abundant with another 168 hours; we can stretch it out further to count the hours per month, months, and even years. Go ahead, fool all others, sugar-coat the truth and beat around the bush, but at least let’s be frank with ourselves: Doing is an active choice. "It’s not about not having the time to do this or that; it’s about not being motivated enough to make the time to do this or that…” ~ 3Ds.

Stopping to Refuel!

2010-04-13T20:19:00.003+03:00

I am currently running a three month Parental Coaching workshop that tackles various effective parenting skills to a group of mothers. The first session topic was devoted mainly to daily refueling (of course coupled with weekly special booster sessions). To overcome feeling inundated that comes with the package of being a parent, these mothers needed to know the necessity of recharging their batteries daily. Wouldn’t driving a car require you to stop for a refuel? Well, we do too; and that applies not just to parenting, but to all the endeavors we handle ranging from small daily routines to more demanding tasks.

The fast pace era we live in is moving at a dizzying speed. Many of us, and without notice, have this tendency to burn our body and mental fuel close to being empty. We assume that by sleeping we get that rest we need, but that only replenishes our physical drain. What about our depleted mental and emotional capacities. Think about it… how can you give what you don’t have (i.e. attention or love)? Only internal focus can project outwardly; only loving yourself builds your ability to love others…..

Refueling can take on different forms; and many satisfy it through different means (and maybe without a conscious thought). Here is what some efficient and productive people would do:

- Wake up early and have sometime alone: By far, this is the most effective method for a recharge. It helps you plan the day ahead and become focused on what to resolve. A fifteen minutes time alone can help you take stock of your direction.
- Incorporate exercise in your routines: Exercise has a magical effect on your mood over and above your physical health. One hour is equivalent to a “Prozac” pill and guarantees your ability to face the many challenges you might face.
- Give yourself sporadic space during the day: It doesn’t help so much to stay “on the go”. Pause a bit before jumping to that next meeting, or that next thing on your agenda. You need to be mentally prepared and focused especially when getting down to brass tacks.
- Treat yourself with occasional pampering: This is what I meant by weekly booster sessions. Where do you find yourself most relished? Do something off the usual routine. Something you really like, but can’t squeeze the time for daily. It could be getting a massage, watching a funny movie, or simply meeting a friend who makes you feel good about yourself.
- Plan a vacation: It keeps you going to know that you have an allotted lengthier space to catch your breath. “Dangle a carrot”, a big reward, for all you want to accomplish. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; just a plan to spend your time your own way…

There are many other simple and brief ways we can insert during the day like taking deep breaths, laugh about something, listening to music, taking a relaxing bath, etc…choices are varied if we just take time to find these. When you don’t stop to refuel, you’ll find yourself adrift in life and eventually will be dragging your heels whilst everything seemingly hitting the fan. You can become a nervous wreck, risk your health, and be a grump that no one tolerates. Don’t give in to that autopilot of yours. Take the lead and relax a bit. It’s an active choice. If you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you. So, what would be your favorite refueling method? Take the steps today without delay…..

Coaching Is Definitely Not Therapy!!

2010-03-28T19:53:00.003+03:00

Many people still don’t know what coaching is. It is even often confused with therapy. Although there are many similarities between the two professions, they diverge in core ways. I, myself, practice both; and find myself switching in mentality and even posture when I wear my coaching hat on.

So how is coaching similar or different than therapy? Coaching and therapy are based on similar theoretical constructs and practitioner-client issues (e.g. one on-one on going confidential relationship). Masterful coaches use skills from solution-oriented therapy approaches, cognitive behavioral psychology, and recent advances in positive psychology. Like therapy, coaching belongs to the helping professions. It is based on effective listening, empathetic understanding, a sincere desire to assist the individuals feel better about themselves and their lives. They similarly implement a variety of tools and strategies to facilitate progress. In addition, both professions bring about positive behavioral change and help people understand how their emotional and cognitive reactions interfere with performance, personal effectiveness, and well being.

A key difference between the two professions is the time orientation. Coaching is more focused on the future; while therapy focuses on resolving past issues. One aims at discovery; the other aims at recovery. There are several other differences between both practices in terms of: focus of attention, level of activity, and type of conversation wit the clients. On one hand, the coaching process is characterized by a focus on strengths, goals, untapped potential, and on interactions that are more active, self-disclosing, and more tied to business and work objectives. On the other hand, the process in therapy is focused more on malfunctioning, deficits, and exploring feelings and emotional processing. The course is more like an undefined wandering progression of digging everywhere. Additionally, unlike therapy, coaching has looser boundaries with clients, more use of humor, and a less care-taker role.

There are also differences in the sessions’ setting and length. While sessions in coaching can be flexible in timing and include various means like the telephone, the internet, in person meeting, or through video-conferencing, therapy sessions are normally 50 minutes, face-to-face in the therapist’s office and only in emergencies over the phone. As for the training required for either profession, therapists undergo an extensive and demanding training typically far in excess of coach training.

Recently many therapists have incorporated coaching into their practice. The other way round can’t be true for coaches. It raises a “red flag” and coaches are advised to refer their clients to therapists when any signs of mental concerns are detected. It is beyond their professional ability to handle. Other therapists have abandoned their therapeutic role all together for coaching. This is because dealing with human suffering can be draining if the therapist does not take time to routinely self-energize. I wonder if with time I will end up making such a move despite my passion to be there for those who need help in any way. Only time can tell….

Do You Want FOCUS? Try The "Mini Hulk” Exercise!

2010-03-13T21:34:00.003+02:00

It has been said that around 65,000 thoughts cross our minds daily. It is no wonder, then, that we find many ideas wondering about in our psyche each calling for attention. Some of these seep into conscious awareness and succeed in being recognized; others just creep up to the surface and then retreat unnoticed. Normally you wouldn’t mind it, but if you’re pressed with time to have a specific mental task done, you find that the more you toss away irrelevant thoughts, the more they forcefully fly back. What needs to take an hour, is now consuming two. You can’t concentrate and that gets you more inundated. You may have too many things on your plate and there’s no running away from multi-tasking. You keep thinking of the next things you need to be doing, but you still haven’t finished what you’re working on. Whether you’re down the wire, or not, it is total absorption in an endeavor that differentiates those who are efficient from those who are not. They have insurmountable “focus”; always at the heart of what they do. So how can stop this mental chatter?

Here is an exercise I offer my students to help them through the drudgery of studying for multiple exams. You can use it for any other time consuming project that necessitates you to be both fast yet efficient in your mental capacities. The exercise takes you about 8 to 10 minutes, but it could save you hours of inefficiency. I use the analogy of the well proclaimed “Incredible Hulk” hero. You might have read about him in the comic magazines, or seen the movie. It’s about this scientist who upon trying to experiment accidentally becomes subject to radiation. Eventually, whenever his body is highly aroused, he gradually transforms into a green hulk with omnipotent physical powers. You need to have such mental invincible powers that render you all-too focused. No distractions; only full mastery and time efficiency. Why not make time to play a bit before the hard work? Let’s start:

Sit in your work area and start visualizing that you are about to deploy and attract the entire world’s energy through the top of your head. That’s right…take it easy…. Focus… It’s all coming to you from different directions….pouring…. filling you up with green energy….That’s it…. You’re filling up from your toes, going up your legs, knees, thighs, up to your abdomen, chest, and spreading to your arms, hands, shoulders, neck, and up to your face. Your color has changed into green radiating energy and now you start transforming slowly…Each part of your body is growing and specifically your mind has doubled in size. It became immune to any noise’ and hears only the sound of your firm voice speaking affirmatively. Things like:
- I will start now on this task and will stop only when I consciously decide to.
- I have total focus on this and will be wading my way through with utmost energy.
- I have put away all distractions (my mobile, my computer, turned off the landline phone, etc…). So, my internal force is the guiding hub for action now.
- I will be doing a great job in having this done perfectly, in no time, and will have full mastery over this.

Tailor your self-talk to the specific task you’re handling and keep talking. Imagine further that you have shut the doors to any extraneous thoughts that do not serve what you’re working on. Are these doors locked? Look at you…..Now you are the “Mini Hulk” and you can have that full focus you need. You have gong-ho pace and kick-ass energy. Start working on what you set your mind on doing.

Take your time to do this mental exercise and then assess your focus. You’ll see the difference. You can also condition yourself to be in that state without taking those 8 – 10 minutes later on. In neuro-linguistic programming, it’s called “anchoring” yourself. That means, as you repeat the exercise a number of times, give yourself a pat on the shoulder at the end of each ritual (alternatively you can choose to say any word or statement you like; for instance I am a “Mini Hulk”). Simply associating that pat on the shoulder or that statement repeatedly at the end of the exercise would make a link in your mind. When you will it, and in no time at all, just give yourself that pat; and alone it would render you in that invincible state of focus without having to go through the process. It just needs some practice. Many of my students have implemented this exercise and reaped the benefits. Call it an investment. I call it a gift for all of you; would you turn it away?

How Am I Supposed to Handle “Hypocrites”?

2010-02-14T09:02:00.003+02:00

You are, indeed, blessed when life hands you the right kind of supportive people who get you all enlightened, validated, or nourished. But, like it or not, you may bump repeatedly with mere hypocrites. If you’re the tough-minded type, you wouldn’t easily let them off the hook. You may openly defy their emotional blackmail and confront them with the truths you observe. But what happens if you’re the overly sensitive type. You abide by societal etiquettes that require you to continually swallow your observations? Your personal standards dictate gentle interpersonal dealings. You’d tell yourself: “let others discover the hypocrisy just as I did” (maybe let them quell the lies for you). But then what? It just irritates you that you have to keep tolerating the deceit. Hypocrites have been preying on my mind lately; and I am having difficulty dealing with them. I am just saddened by the idea of being lied to. I might as well write about it to gain some clarity. Maybe in the process I get to reduce their harrowing effects.

Let’s see: The dictionary defines a hypocrite as “a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives”. It’s not those diplomatic well-meaning people that will be referred to here; rather, the malicious type who continually live a big lie to portray a good image. They intentionally or not neglect to practice what they preach (i.e. their actions contradict their declared beliefs). They hide the truth for having motives that are either unappreciated by others (could be hidden agendas), or that they don’t feel so proud of to start with. It seems to me as if they underestimate that others are bright enough to figure out their pretense. They live by double standards; and to reduce their internal arising conflict, they cleverly self-rationalize this duality by providing all sorts of justifications. But, would this defense mechanism succeed in zeroing-out the precipitating imbalance? Would it eliminate the emerging inner anxiety? My belief is probably not. They will remain in an ongoing battle to protect their charade. I wonder if they get too drained to persist, or if they ever anticipate for the predictable moments of being discovered.

What about you at the receiving end of being bombarded with unsolicited lies? Our natural tendency is to start avoiding these people especially if honesty is a guiding cherished principal in our lives. As impractical as it is, some of these hypocrites are woven into your most intimate connections (i.e. could be family members, colleagues on the job, or even members of your own circle of acquaintances). By now, you know them too much; and when they get going with the “parade”, it feels to you that you want to grab out your daggers and stab their lies to death. But, no; the caring sensitive type can’t allow that. You resist the urge of descending to lower levels of dealing; you want to keep rising to higher standards of ethical conduct. To you, ignoring them might be the right thing to do; and how many times do we choke by having to do the “right thing”? Sometimes it sounds like too much pressure. Are you to lash out and bend your rules some time? Hmmmm! that seems tempting and you’ve got good reasons to do that. Gees! These people keep invading your territory. They walk all over you!

Giving it a good thought, I’m inclined to stick to my guns. They press my buttons, but let me keep doing what I believe as the “right thing”. Let me use some self-affirmations. Something like:
- Dania, wait! Suspend your judgment. Are you basing your observations on assumptions or on repeated and well demonstrated action / declared belief discrepancy? Re-visit your stance EVERY time.
- If I do find such discrepancy, understand well where it comes from. These people might just be covering up something embarrassing to protect you, others, or themselves. They could have good intentions after all, so keep your eyes open to find the good core in people (even in those hypocrites themselves).
- Don’t let their prevalence keep you on your toes when you deal with well-meaning others. The “good guys” and the “not so good guys” inspire us alike.
- Let’s keep our hopes high in their coming to terms with their true self. Life can be made much simpler if we just acted naturally.
- Let us tiptoe through the minefields of their insecurities and ignorance while being alert to not being coaxed into their hidden agendas.
- They are “small stuff”; let’s focus on more worthy pursuits.
- Let’s persevere in being sincere. Be the good example; maybe by observation they get that “wake-up” call.
- They are here to teach us a lesson. Think of many good reasons for why they exist in your life. Refine your life skills and exercise your patience.

It’s amazing how my disgust subsides as I state what I can do to manage their inevitable presence in my life. See, I can still disagree without being disagreeable. Eventually, these hypocrites will realize that the masks they wear are transparent and people can actually see through. Their masks wear out. If they don’t shape up, they will look around one day to find themselves living in total isolation. Give them ground to discover on their own the serenity of being true. Shrug it off! You can’t teach them. They’ll have to learn it on their own from you…..

Accepting Versus Resisting - Power Tool (2)

2010-02-07T18:19:00.003+02:00

This is a continuation of my previous post on "Accepting versus Resisting" what we can not change. It's a great empowering tool to help you cope with your difficult life situations.

Topic 3. Accepting vs. Resisting the SELF
It’s true that we can do a lot to steer our life course and where we land. Still, we are deprived of choice in specific matters. Did you have a choice in being born a male or female? Or even in having the physical features you possess? We often see some individuals bending backwards trying hard to implement major changes on their looks. Sometimes it is doable, but comes to fruition only with great tolls. Self-acceptance refers to accepting one self with all its flaws (ranging from temperament, to genetic make-up, to who we truly are). When that is done, these flaws will start to diminish. We stop paying attention to them; hence, negative emotions would cease to surface. Nobody is perfect that’s for sure.

For instance, one might have a specific health concern. The label “sick” maybe too distressing to acknowledge, so one may start whining and complaining about that health concern as if “resisting” the idea will make it vanish. Only through “accepting” that condition and trying to surpass it will one cope better. Alternatively, one may ignore the whole “being sick” idea (another form of resistance). What happens is that one’s health condition gets exacerbated when left untreated. The more we embrace all parts of our being, the better we’ll feel about ourselves and the more we grow. When we resist having limitations (be it inborn or accrued over time), we find ourselves pushed too far into a deep abyss of exhaustion. We are far better off if we embrace the positive and let go of the negative. It has been said, “If life hands you lemon, make lemonade”. Work with what you’ve got. Capitalize on your strengths; you’ll find plenty to work with. Improve what you can, but don’t fall into frustration at deadlocks.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those aspects that you don’t appreciate about yourself?

2. Which of these can you change?

3. Which of these are impractical / impossible to change?

4. List at least five empowering reasons for accepting (rather than resisting) those aspects you cannot change.

Topic 4. Accepting vs. Resisting OTHERS

Relationships with other people are vital in our progress along life’s path. Close others can be our support system as we thrive and in times of misery. In some instances, these close others become our source of distress. It is very easy to eliminate an “emotional vampire” (i.e. someone who drains your energy) if s/he were not really meaningful in your life, or imposed on you. But we occasionally fall into the trap of trying to change others to better fit our expectations. We forget that it is not easy to change someone else; and that it is much easier to change how we react to another’s behavior.

For instance, you become upset at how your parent, your sibling, or your spouse constantly behaves. You start giving him/her all sorts of hints; and at times become just blatant and criticize at no avail. Truth is, your repeated attempts may create opposition and defensiveness; and the cycle of conflict escalates. The more you persist, the more they become stubborn and resist your attempts. Asses how you would feel if someone tried to change you? You probably would get hurt and create walls of protection. Surely, we cannot dispense with some people in our lives. We are better off at considering the whole package. “Accepting” these people for what they are and focusing on their assets generates far better interaction processes. You can pinpoint how you feel about it, but it is their choice to rectify or not.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those people who are indispensable in your life. Is there anyone of them in particular that you find difficulty tolerating / accommodating to?

2. If you answered “No”, you’re blessed. Count more blessings.

3. If you answered “Yes”,
a) List that person’s good qualities. Find as many as you can.
b) Can you accept that person with all his/her flows now?
c) While keeping his/her good qualities in the spot light, can you take that person’s behavior humorously for the coming week? See if all your interactions get lighter

Topic 5. Accepting vs. Resisting the HURT

As wonderful as it is, life can subject us to a variety of hurtful experiences. We can be targets to injustice, deceit, disappointments, insults, or misfortunes. It might give us the least we expect or deserve. These deleterious ordeals could range from painful childhood experiences, to experiencing infidelity in a relationship, to getting a demotion on the job, or other negative life situations. We unintentionally plunge into an emotional tail spin and experience feelings of anger, bitterness, or vengeance. The more we ruminate over the hurt, the more we prolong our distress and get swallowed up by our own distress. Sometimes, the more we try to save face or seek revenge, the more we get stuck at the mishap. We can surely get our chin high somewhere else. “Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why feed the turmoil inside?

If our negative emotions include another person, then forgive. So much has been said about the positive effects of forgiveness even if unsolicited. Forgiveness refers to accepting what had happened and deciding to let go of attempts to seek revenge. When we keep our resentment contained within us, we are keeping inside negative energy which feeds the suffering. Our pain, then, was inevitable. It’s our suffering that’s optional. The past hurt when fed can cloud our vision of the present or the future; and can deprive us of inner peace.

If our emotions involved a specific situation we were are still struggling with, sometimes it is best to just let go. Fight no more. Maya Angelou once said: “At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” We may be caught up in fighting too hard to eliminate the hurt caused by our life situations (we resist). We yearn to effect change when we can simply seek satisfaction elsewhere. Consider always: what’s the opportunity for me in there? Where else can I derive joy? It maybe too hard to extract yourself from some hurtful situation, but at least we can plan something to move gradually away from it. When no plan works, you can do the best you can to work within the confinements of that situation. Surely if you think hard enough, you can focus your thoughts on different aspects to compensate for your dissatisfaction. Transform the distress into motivation to excel at something else; move in a different direction.

Reflection and Application

1. Think of a specific life situation that has stirred your emotions negatively.

2. Are you willing to accept that it took place in the past and let go, or would you want to remain resisting that it happened?

Here’s a technique that can help you heal the hurt: Find the time to undergo a process of emotional healing. You may need an hour, 2, or even 3 hours to finish this exercise. Write about the distressing situation while focusing on how it made you feel. Include all the things that were not said and remain in your throat. Pour in all your emotions, your hurt, and your disappointment about it. Don’t leave anything out. If the hurt was caused by another person, address your writing to him/her. You’ll experience agitation as you do that. Get in touch with it. Name the emotions you are experiencing and reflect on how these were affecting your previous actions. When you’re done, burn that letter. As you watch those flames glow tell yourself: ‘This is one episode that is out of my system now. I won’t let it bother me anymore. It’s gone; finished. I will be indifferent to it from now on. It’s in the past; folded well. Now, I feel great, refreshed, and will resume a happier life.

Conclusion

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices” ~ Dr. Paul Tournier. We do need to be resilient in face of adversity. It serves us well to weigh the costs of fighting. It serves us well to know where we stand before moving forward. Much of what colors our perceptions is a creation of our own minds. Will you keep feeding your mind with handicapping thoughts, or will you empower yourself by opening up to healthier possibilities to grow? Your “call”....

Accepting vs. Resisting (Power Tool) -1

2010-02-03T08:31:00.005+02:00

I have earlier written a short post on "Moving Forward" through accepting or resisting our life situations. I found it an empowering tool to use in the coaching process. I, therefore, decided to elaborate on it and submit it as a "Power Tool" (part of my certification process in coaching). It is somewhat lengthy, so I will post it on two occasions for an easier read. Enjoy and empower yourselves in those areas where you can do little to effect positive change:

Topic 1. How do we deal with difficult life circumstances?

“What We Resist, Persists, Accept, And It Just Dissolves” ~ Carl Jung

Many of us have a “fighter spirit” and we succeed in assuming control over many of our life circumstances. We get that promotion after working hard enough. We adopt a new life-style and are glad to have that ideal self image we always aspired. We are repeatedly encouraged to move forward and celebrate achieving our goals. Sadly, often times, we face specific life situations whereby “change” is extremely difficult, very costly, or sometimes practically impossible. For instance, how is it best to cope with the misfortune of being born with a physical handicap? Or in trying to survive the commitment to a partner who’s much loved, but has difficult personality characteristics beyond control? Consider someone else having to tolerate a newly assigned arrogant supervisor on the job because no better alternative can do at the time? In such thorny situations, one is faced with either of two options: accepting versus resisting those situations.

According to Merriam- Webster Dictionary, the verb accept is defined as “to endure without protest or reaction; to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable; and to recognize as true”. Applied to our difficult life experiences, “accepting” refers to the realization that we can not change what is disliked or that which is perceived as a psychological threat. We stop our behavioral and mental attempts to change, deny, or oppose it; and go with the flow. The Webster dictionary, also, defines the verb resist as “to exert oneself so as to counteract or defeat”. It entails fighting, pushing back and putting in some energy to change what currently exists. Applied to difficult life situations, mentally “resisting” a situation involves imagining over and over again what should be the case, the better scenario, and efforts to resolve difficult situations one way or another. Through out our lives, we either resort to “accepting” or “resisting” as coping strategies to handle many of our arising concerns; be it on personal or professional levels. Let’s reflect for a moment:

Reflection and Application

1. Identify the areas in your life that you have grown to accept on both your:
a. Personal level
b. Professional level

2. Identify the areas in your life that you have resisted and succeeded; and others you have resisted and could not change on both your:
a. Personal level
b. Professional level

Topic 2. Compared to “resisting”, why is it that “accepting” the healthier coping mechanism in difficult life circumstances?

“What can’t be cured must be endured” ~ Robert Burton proposed it wisely. The idea of “accepting” is prominent in Eastern philosophy and in different religions like Christianity and Islam. Life subjects us to its own terms. In extreme scenarios, it puts us under different losses, vagaries of fate, vicissitude of evil, illness, traumas, aging, and the inevitable idea of eventually facing death. “Accepting” things that already happened in the past or those that are foreseeable is comforting. We can’t undo the past; what’s done is done. We certainly can do a lot about whatever future remains even under the most difficult circumstances. When we accept things as they are, we become open to new possibilities; to areas beyond our distress. We stop feeding adversity with energy. Our mind is freed to finding solutions; and that energy is directed in a more empowering manner. The sooner we do that, the better. Sometimes, we need to learn to befriend our “tough calls” (come to terms with them). Only then are we able to overcome whatever set-backs we face.

“Resisting” can be viewed in a positive light in many situations. It is a driving force to do the best we can; to go beyond our comfort zones; to change to the better. What we need, however, is to discern between this type of resisting and that which is futile. “Resisting” can take the form of denial, avoidance, or even rumination over negative feelings (e.g. sorrow, guilt, injustice, etc….). It is these negative experiences that sometimes exacerbate our life situations; and not always those situations per se. Harboring bitterness, for instance, renders us eventually in an unpleasant place or state. Similarly, if we keep on brushing our negative feelings under the carpet by denying or avoiding these, they’ll creep back up again to get us. It is no wonder, then that in psychotherapy, emotional healing involves “accepting” past ordeals; as they truly were (not as one wished them to be). Accepting rather than avoiding painful emotions, in fact, alleviates the suffering. And this is how the individual eventually moves to a healthier form of functioning. “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery” ~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

Reflection and Application

1. Have a look at the areas you identified earlier. Compare the feelings that arise as you contemplate accepting or resisting each. Which do you find more empowering?

2. List the ramifications of resisting on your actions, your emotions, and your future vision.

Stay tuned for the follow post on accepting the self, others, and our past hurt in more detail.

“Digging Deep Within”: Too Scared to Look Inside?

2010-01-22T22:26:00.001+02:00

Well, another academic semester has unfolded; and I can’t but reflect on my students who enrolled for the introduction to psychology course. For the past four months, we have examined the thinking processes and the motivating roots for human behavior. I am wondering how many students are now more invested in self-discovery and regulation? I planted seeds beyond course material and nourished these from time to time. Many resisted and their reactions ranged from having flat expressions on their faces to openly being sarcastic about my daring “calls”. Things seemed just too airy-fairy for their understanding. Others were more welcoming and those really motivated me to keep trying. I can’t know how many were responsive for sure, but I’m happy with just a few. Generally speaking, people differ in their willingness to “dig deep” and become more self-aware. And that is even more customary among the younger generation.

I must admit that it IS scary to look deep inside especially if the image is wishy-washy. But those who have the guts may alarm others as too freaky. That’s why sometimes the stereotypical image of a psychologist is that of a creepy mind-reader. They’re in their “mind-gym” all the time. The more we carve out understanding about ourselves, the more we find to deal with. UUUUUFFFFF, why open a can of worms? But HEY! The good news is that we need to rock the boat sometimes before moving forward. How do you think we’ll know where to go if we weren’t clear about where we stand? Undeniably, the most important date you may ever have in your life is that with your own self. Get to know it better. You’ll find that your life is transformed when you can clearly discern your values, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Self-awareness equips you with confidence, with means to dissolve your fears and transcend your distress, and empowers you to create your own destiny; not be the subject to external maneuverings into haphazard directions. You don’t have to do it all alone. It’s more helpful and fun to affiliate with like-minded others. They are great company and can be a major source of validation. When you touch base and are crystal clear, keep on polishing. Maintenance is usually easier than the kick off process. So, keep on digging; don’t be scared to look deep inside. Eventually, the worms will all be out.

“The Future Belongs to Those Who Ask!” ~ 3DS

2010-01-11T19:58:00.002+02:00

I was invited by a colleague of mine to attend a negotiation seminar a few days ago. It was very inspiring, indeed, and validated many of the concepts I know and apply. The presentation touched on asking for discounts as we attempt o close some business deals. “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” the presenter announced. I agreed with that, but disagreed with asking for service discount. To me, that meant risking accepting less of what usually is offered (not too many people are conscientious, or are aware of the ramifications it has on their profession). With respect to displayed merchandise, the risks of getting less when you ask for a discount may be minimal, so go ahead ask for it. Demand it if you can (of course while paying attention to your tone). Take it at full price without asking, and you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. Those arguments made me reflect on the power of “asking” as determining much of our future life path.

Malcom X once said: “The future belongs to those who prepare for it today”. In a similar vein, Eleanor Roosevelt proposed: “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” In a congruent fashion, I believe that “the future belongs to those who ask!” I asked to join the psychotherapy training program, and was lucky to get in despite being way past the deadline. I was surfing the net for ICF accredited “Coaching” schools and encountered the International Coach Academy. They called me and provided me with all the information I needed. I enrolled; and my career path changed in both instances. The positive consequence of “asking” for things applies to many other life areas I take initiative in. I just ask, and the universe responds in amazing ways. Sometimes I “ask”, but I’m denied only to find out later that something better was arranged for me.

Hesitation to ask for something may have bases in the “fear of failure” (rejection can be a killer sometimes). “How can I courageously imply to that cute girl/guy that I like him/her? What if s/he said no?” That’s a dilemma many face. “How can I ask for that raise? Surely Management is working within a tight budget!” Truth is, don’t ask for it, and you stagnate. Would you want to wait (maybe forever) until your number is called out? Your chances are inevitably 50-50 to get it or not; despite your apparent strong belief (100%) you won’t get it. You don’t have all the “givens”. You have to be clairvoyant to forcefully say you know it all, don’t you? Alternatively, hesitation may have bases in the “fear of success”. You’d reason: “Me, with that cute guy/girl!” (Good God! a relationship would be too overwhelming), or “Me, with a better salary, or finally granted that promotion!” (I could be envied, or it could be too much to handle). This is when some self-sabotage to remain in their habitual comfort zone. Success seemingly carries with it an extra toll. Many would worry about change; it’s too much of an effort!

It probably is a known fact, by now, that any type of fear can be overcome only if faced. And if you still have doubt about what could happen IF so and so took place, ask yourself: so what? What could it mean? We tend to take things too seriously, so lighten up a bit. Talk about your concerns loud enough by taking the worst extreme scenario. Is it the end of the world? Can I try something different if this or that didn’t work out? Surely, choices are plenty if only we look hard enough. Again, and quoting my inspirational presenter “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” You ask, and it’s either a Yes, or a No. A “Yes” grants you what you want. A “No” needs to prompt you to ask again for something different. This is how you brighten up your future; this is how you leave your options wide open; this is why I believe: “The future belongs to those who ask!”

On New Year's Eve

2010-01-04T12:25:00.002+02:00

I’ll be blunt and daring and express my dissatisfaction at how most people choose to spend New Year’s Eve. You may disagree, but I have my own – not so much shared - views on this one. I just can’t seem to understand the logic behind the competition as to where and how New Year’s Eve is spent. Why is it a “must” to have an extravagant arrangement for that specific night?

A friend of mine suggested it is the one night everybody needs to stay up late, dance, and have fun (referring to going crazy and drinking lots of alcohol); it would be ideal to hop from one place to another until it is breakfast time again. The longer the stay out, the more indicative it is of how well the night went by. To me, that was YIKESSSSSS!!! I’m not a night person; and staying up late is practically torture. Discussing the same issue with another friend, I found an argument strikingly different; albeit, much deeper. The latter noted that she doesn’t understand why all the festivity, the fireworks, and the hassle. We lost one year; what is there to be happy about?

I wouldn’t want to compete about the outing, nor depress about a losing a year. It is a special night; a turning point, but do we really have to anticipate for a new year this way or that? To me, the ideal is to celebrate in a very different way. Give it the worth it deserves. I would much rather sit quietly in a fine candle-lit homey environment, good music in the background, and play a unique game. In my mind’s eye, I would like to scan the whole past year with all its appealing and dire events; re-live the nice important memories, learn the lessons from the not so fortunate ones, and then run a wild movie in my head about my aspirations for the coming year. No need to have a parade over food preparations, or a hassle about dressing up. I feel a need to reflect on the true meaning of this occasion; why is that we divert our attention? I would love to share my activity with others (sharing is caring), but would speculate that most would find it a lame game. Who would settle for such a surreal New Year’s Eve?

To fit in, I therefore spare this mind game to an alternate night. For now, and at least for the past couple of years, I have succeeded in limiting the festive celebration to spending the night with those closest to my heart, in a home setting, and to casual means of entertainment. Definitely would not want it a wild night in clubs; definitely would not lament the loss of a year in my life. Wonder if I would succeed in bringing others to play the game if I attempt to next year. I’ll be giving it a shot; or will I remain alone on this? What do you think? :)

Those “IF” statements: From Disempwering Ones to More Empowering Others

2009-12-23T11:24:00.004+02:00

In the spirit of wrapping up the year 2009, I embarked on my usual - more focused - appraisal of how things went by the past year and the framework needed to welcome the coming year. This review is my usual practice through out the year; and I seldom wait for the New Year to make resolutions and assessments. I like to toy around with my thoughts now and then by giving them some free rein to wander unrestricted to realms outside reality. This stems from a need to balance my excessive practical and realistic nature with some fantasy-like escape resort. I need to nourish that dreamer aspect of mine; it is these dreams that keep me working at full speed every so often.

In some of my weak moments, my day dreaming is not all that glorious or empowering. During such a trance-like state just a while ago, I caught myself using “if only” statements as my mind rambled around. I didn’t like the outcome. Let me share with you how the process went by. Come on, let’s try this exercise together and fill in the following blanks. Check how these make you feel:

Example: If only I were ______________ (a male not a female)
If only I could undo ______________________________________
If only my _____________________ were _____________________
If only it was socially acceptable to _____________________
If only I lived ___________________________________________
If only I had _____________________________________________
If only I had done_________________ not ___________________

I don’t know about you, but when I filled in these spaces with things I wished I had done, or had, or didn’t do, or wished others to have done things differently, I felt so down and wane. Those “If only” statements point to things that are either unreal in my life, or are very real but are past and done already. They are so disempowering. Can we ever undo the past? Do we have unlimited power to change about everything? Sadly, the answer is no and no. What do we do then?

It’s Okay to dream of what we can’t change. Sometimes it’s a healthy way to satisfy the impossible. The better way still is to dream the feasible (no matter how difficult it may seem). Dig yourself back from the rut and change those “if only” statements to “what if”….. Come on, fill those blanks with me once again. Something like:

Example: What if I could ______(have that male career status)
What if I can in fact have a ______________________________
What if I can live ________________________________________
What if I can get _________________________________________
What if I work on becoming ________________________________
What if I can forgive _______________ wrong doing and _____
What if I can forget _____________________ and ____________

Now that feels better. How about you? It put me at a mobilized state for action. These statements are so motivating. They gave me back some control over how to steer the wheel. I feel hopeful, energized, and have a purpose. I am in a better mind-set. I am looking forward to a challenge; I am more empowered. It’s okay to assess, then, and wish things to have been different, but that is behind now. It’s in the past. I have better chances for the future. There is a way out if I can think it. When things can’t change, I’m better of considering what I can control. I can look within me for answers. It is these assumptions of “what if I…” that empower me and deserve my focus; not those “if only” statements that pull me back and leave me disempowered….

Beware of Emotional Vampires!!

2009-12-19T10:42:00.003+02:00

A vital ingredient that spices up our lives is being around other people. We’re blessed with having family members, friends, colleagues, and even casual acquaintances who best serve our social nature. All too often, however, we end up being among the wrong crowd. And instead of being energized by people in our lives, we find ourselves disempowered, depleted, or upset. Make a connection and reflect for a moment. With whom do you feel totally zapped out of energy? Who have you started dreading being with? If you’re able to recognize a few, then you’ve probably identified those known as “Emotional Vampires”.

Unlike the blood sucking folkloric vampires we’ve heard of, “Emotional Vampires” suck your positive emotions (or your life blood). They make you angry, depressed, overwhelmed, trivial, defensive, or drained. They come in different disguises and flavors: the needy and helpless (the victim), the depressed (always whining), the controlling (the forever bossing you around), the drama queen (that takes everything to the extreme and then the show begins), the narcissist (it’s all about me; you shut up), the perfectionist (the never satisfied and the detail oriented), and the criticizer (can’t ever win with that one; you’re a forever loser).

If you don’t properly control the presence of these “Emotional Vampire” in your life, you could end up suffering depression, anxiety, isolation, substance abuse, or any other maladaptive behavior. Dealing with emotional vampire is very easy if they meant nothing to you, or if you did not need them. You simply terminate the relationship. But what if they were important people in your life – ones you love most and cherish (i.e. your father, mother, sibling, spouse or your best friend). These could be your superiors at work or maybe other coworker. Now, that becomes a tough call!

Two things you need to keep in mind:
1) You can’t change them (you can only change yourself or the way you deal with them).
2) And that it’s about them; it’s not about you. Something lacks in their lives and they want to fill it up. They could be in a chronic strife to seek attention, recognition, validation, or acceptance. Alternatively, they can look tough and assertive on the outside, but underneath feel empty.

So, how do you deal with such emotional vampires?

- Consider again, is it possible to take your distance? Can you eliminate all contact with the type? Or maybe reduce encounters drastically?
- When contact is inevitable, visualize a protective mental safety shield that protects you from their negativity. Don’t allow their words to seep into you. Above all, resist the urge to be their therapist.
- Listen to your body. Is your tension level rising? Do you feel sleepy? Are you suddenly craving for something sweet? Have you suddenly lost all motivation to eat, go out, or do anything? Your body cannot mask the distress; it sends you multiple signals. Don’t allow yourself to react (they want you to). Breathe deeply and take your time before responding. If you can, listen then forget. Work on up-lifting your mood right after the encounter.
- Set your boundaries. Speak up with confidence about what you would, or would not allow in your relationship. Be assertive; yet gentle and empathetic. You can always disagree without being disagreeable; and the only power they have over you is that you give them. Exhibit that “tough love” you hear about.
- Deal with your guilt feeling as you resist being submissive to their influence. Many do actually take you on a guilt trip and that is how you conform to their whims. You’re trying your best to be supportive, but there’s a limit to how much you allow.
- Reframe their behavior as that deserving pity. They are immature children who were bitten a long time ago. They will have to outgrow their tantrums on their own. They don’t know why they do the things they do and if you confront them, you’ll find them in denial. Just exercise your patience (you have a golden opportunity there).

Beware of being bitten by those vampires. You don’t want to eventually turn into one, do you? Be mindful of their trespassing your territory and deal with it. Either shut them away, or use the above strategies. Stay in positive motion and spirit. Use a lot of humor. You’ll bewilder them with your action (they are very passive). Empower yourself in their presence constantly (this is how you vaccinate yourself against their poison); else, they’ll bite you; and you’ll be off to find your own prey….

The Multifold Power of Giving

2009-12-11T10:58:00.002+02:00

How many times do you bend backwards attempting to do someone else a favor only it does not get reciprocated when you are the one in need? Does it happen often enough to discourage you from being a giving person? You wonder: This is not in line with the “norm of reciprocity” (i.e. the social expectation that people respond to each other in kind)? Consider this: the expectation that you receive back from the same person may be the norm, but never the rule. You will receive back in return; albeit, from multiple other sources. Don’t be reluctant to keep giving as you are bestowed at least ten fold. How is that possible, you ask?

1. Giving feels good. You have been a positive impact. You took part in someone else’s life. In return, you reap a positive psychological reward (i.e. I am useful). Caution: buffer your disappointment by not expecting a repayment in kind. Do it for the sake of getting that “helper’s high”.

2. Giving enhances your physical health. When you feel good psychologically, it feeds into your physiology. It is a known fact that psychological and physical states are interrelated.

3. Giving others can offset being totally self-absorbed. That is very applicable in times of distress or even success. It is a distracter from over-indulgence in one’s own misery on one hand; and a source of redirecting the overflow of positive emotions to others in need on the other hand. Why hoard the pleasure of accomplishment to ones’ self? Share it.

4. Giving fosters a sense of abundance. You are wealthy if you are able to provide and give. Have the conviction that your reservoir will not dry. Hey! “There’s more where that came from”.

5. Giving shapes your life with meaning. Yes, you are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Giving is life enriching.

6. Giving satisfies the need for social connections. We all have this need to connect with others; and sometimes those interactions are not so satisfactory. How about turning things round when that’s the case? Make your relationships and interactions beneficial one way or another?

7. Giving makes you nicely remembered. We are not going to live forever (and that’s another fact). Ask yourself: How would I like to be remembered? Wouldn’t it be nice to leave positive prints behind?

8. Giving can trigger a multitude of positive thoughts about yourself. Again, as long as you’re not expecting anything in return, your thoughts will rotate around those positive attributes you possess. You are charming in so many other ways.

9. Giving entails superiority. You have the upper hand. It is your wish and will to do the things you do. Think of it as your choice; no one coerced you into doing anything.

10. Giving characterizes those who are self-actualized (i.e. those who have reached their utmost psychological development like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and Albert Einstein). Self-actualized people are only motivated by personal responsibilities and ethics; and not by what they receive in return.

So, you see, giving spirals up into a great deal of life and self-satisfaction. I can think of many other alluring reasons for giving, but the above suffice to endorse it as a life philosophy. I am in awe when I hear of those who stretch their giving to that of self-transcendence. They give others because it makes them more fulfilled; they transcend the egocentric focus. They are so lucky to be there. Others give so much, but that has its bases in their “inability to say NO”. Giving becomes distressing, so one has to really consider if negative emotions surface. For me, I keep few things in mind as I adopt a giving attitude: it’s about being a positive influence. It is about the value it adds to my own personal growth and progress. I am able, then, to give back at least double what I receive…..

Will Someone Listen to Me?

2009-11-22T18:17:00.000+02:00

A pre-requisite of my certification as a life and career coach was to have a coach myself for some time. There was a lot of value in that although initially I openly resisted the idea. I thought: “why would I need a coach when I already am so motivated, know exactly what I want, am setting big goals, and I am working at full speed to develop myself?” I have to be frank and admit that I WAS WRONG! Not only did that experience add to my learning and practice, it was indeed an eye-opener for many areas in my life. I thought I knew it all: I had clear self knowledge, I was doing what seemed to be the impossible to many, and I had a wide social support system. But, again, all these were not enough. I was too engrossed in my own life and failed to detect other possibilities and multiple other perspectives. My coach, then, did a wonderful job; alas, our contract came to an end.

Now-a-days, and during my gradual effort to gather other local practicing coaches to establish the Lebanese Coach Association, I had this amazing opportunity to meet and chat with other like-minded colleagues. One recurrent theme emerged from our dialogues. Even well-established successful and skilled coaches do in fact hire a personal coach. They make use of such a service to keep them focused and help them stretch their horizon further. It’s a luxury service only few choose to indulge in, or can afford. All those who walk the path of success, from celebrities to politicians, make use of the coaching service. Furthermore, how do you think they make it through the maintenance stage or shine even further?

The discussions with my colleagues made me go back in time to the days I was being coached. I do need someone to fully pay attention to what I am saying, widen my scope of perception, and make me feel that what I am doing matters. We all need to be listened to. I am doing most of the listening in both of my careers as a psychotherapist and a coach, but who’s there to lend an ear to my own concerns? OK, I have a lot of friends and my hubby does a lot of that. I always exchange thoughts and ideas with precious people in my life. But usually these conversations tend to be subjectively colored and the discourse drifts away from being listened to and back to my role as a listener. And at times, even those closest to me are simply too preoccupied, distracted, or uninterested in hearing me out. I need a third, somewhat, objective perspective; someone skilled in active listening to my true needs; someone I can trust will commit to being fully there for me (all the time).

I wonder what am I waiting for? That’s it! I am re-hiring a good coach!

Dealing with the “Culture of Time Neglect”

2009-11-09T10:49:00.002+02:00

The other day, my daughter accused me of being the most impatient person she had ever known. I laughed, but later on contemplated her remark. There’s a kernel of truth in what she said. On several occasions, we’d be out together to get things done. We’d take appointments for different services, and when we end up having to wait, what seemed endlessly, I get up and excuse ourselves to leave. She would be so surprised and embarrassed, but to me, the idea of an appointment needs to serve both parties well. And yes, maybe I am impatient to wait too long past my allotted schedule, but patience is relative to my agenda. At times, I could be very tolerant (e.g. my personal goals), but I don’t appreciate others stealing my time. I would rather offer it willingly rather than be coerced into the “culture of time neglect”.

Yes, we are living in a culture where only a few are time efficient, wise, or are respectful of others’ time. I find myself organizing my life in a structured and systemic way to meet my daily targets. Being time lax has been woven into the fabric of my society. The trend observed is that of “Les homes chic sont toujours en retarde” (excuse my French). Arriving in late to social gathering became deliberate to reflect an image of being in high demand. I am not denying that sometimes we can truly be held back by emerging circumstances, but to adopt it as a life-style irritates me. Sadly, lateness is stretching to various professions and services to reflect some prestige. From repairmen, to bank clerks, to doctors, I feel constantly bombarded with messages that providing the service can wait; they are very busy people; I will have to wait. The truth is: I am as busy (if not more) and time is a precious scarce resource. My conception of time resonates so much with the words of Harvey Mc Kay “Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back”.

I can’t help but feel incongruent with those who take my time so lightly. But what can I do? Such mentality is all over the place. I take a firm standing when I can; yet, it’s beyond my capacity to change the whole world. Whenever the situation permits, at least I make a point and reproach that my time is not being respected. Until things change (and they will), I find myself trying to fit in or accommodate to the culture of time neglect. I can’t always retaliate, so I tolerate by being mentally and physically prepared for the “expected wait”. I became always equipped with a contingency plan for labile scheduling. My purse always includes a planner with ample free pages to scribble on; and a small sized interesting book to read in when there’s no way out but to comply and hang in there. I can say mantra, or engage in my deep breathing exercise. I reassume control by choosing to soothe myself that even that time waiting is still mine. I can spend it by being frustrated, or decide to use it as wisely and productively as I can :)

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that” (Baltasar Gracian).

Make Me Feel Important!!

2009-10-30T10:01:00.000+02:00

“Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ''Make me feel important.'' Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life" (Mary Kay Ash). What a life philosophy to adopt! Indeed, as a customer, you would like to feel important, so would you as a family member, a student, a hard working employee, and even as someone providing an ordinary service. It feels so good to be noticed and valued. Wouldn’t it hurt YOU if you felt ignored or neglected? Wouldn’t YOU feel blessed to be noticed and appreciated? You can be the most confident human on earth; you can be the most self-sufficient and independent person in the world; but, still, there’s always room for external appreciation that needs to be occasionally filled.

It would be a mistake to assume that others are OK without your acknowledgement. In many instances, people resort to psychotherapy or coaching just to create the space to feel important. Let’s not wait for this to happen. Go out there and make others feel important no matter what their social status is. You’ll make their day a better day; and consequently yours. You will feel important because you made a difference. It comes back ten fold. It really is so rewarding. Go ahead, try for yourself and notice how it will make you feel.

Choosing to Moving Forward (3) – Accepting Versus Resisting

2009-10-21T19:58:00.002+03:00

Is in it so uplifting when you set your mind to moving forward on specific personal areas and actually succeed? You pick up the habit of exercising; you find your soul mate; or move into that more spacious apartment you’ve always dreamed of. What a joy it is to effect some positive change! Sometimes, however, change or the move forward may apparently seem impossible or impractical. You try different ways to make things change, but nothing seems to work. You find yourself in a difficult life situation and become even more frustrated by locked doors as you seek your way out. It must be real hard on you to persist despite unsuccessful attempts. Do you keep trying, or do you surrender disappointed into a depressed state?

Neither of these two options is a healthy coping mechanism. Both entail resistance though both vary in the “how”. Even depression is anger turned inward. You might still be resisting the idea and shaming yourself for your inability to deal with a pressing need. When things seem so bleak, accepting the difficult to change becomes the wiser mental attitude. It has been said: “What can’t be cured must be endured.” Resistance entails spending a lot of energy at what you’d like changed (even if you just whined, or became depressed about it). That energy is better off being channeled in other directions leading you forward. So, in the end, we still have a choice in responding.

For instance, you have major disagreements around specific ideologies with your parents, siblings or spouse. You might be tempted to change their attitudes. You argue, you shout, you give them the silent treatment, or you try to force your own stance. All these attempts may deplete your energy reservoir until you feel drained. Accept their attitudes as just being different; then let go. You can still share fundamental other beliefs that bind you together.

In a similar vein, you might have conflicting characters with close others you deal with; do you try to change theirs at no avail? Do you keep trying? Maybe it’s just wiser if you worked on changing yourself, or the way you look at things. I am not saying that you mimic others to fit in; just spend that energy educating yourself with what you need to know to handle these differences better. Again, accepting others for who they are, as opposed to resisting the differences, can save you a great toll. The more you refuse to give in, the more you get frustrated, so choose your battles by examining the costs they entail. Move in a different direction.

I can relate the idea to instances of fighting too hard when you experience injustice in some life situations. You get bluffed (ridiculous, but could happen at any point in ones’ life :) ); do you attempt revenge? Do you take others to court? STOP! Would you consider forgiving? Yeah! Go for it! Save yourself the inner turmoil and the external hassle. So much has been said about forgiveness. Learn your lesson and re-direct your energy to areas that can make you feel good. Don’t stay stuck in trying to save face at that mishap. Get your chin high somewhere else. ‘Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why not focus on moving forward in other directions. It just might be the better way out!

Choosing to Move Forward (2) - Few Tips

2009-10-03T23:51:00.003+03:00

I received some insightful feedback on my earlier post on ‘’Choosing to move forward” and this enthused me to elaborate more and offer some helpful tips around the topic. I previously discussed the disparity between two groups of people. The first choose to move forward on the job and the second surrender to their frustrations into an emotional tail-spin. Clear self-knowledge providing the stage for a future vision can be the critical factor differentiating those who are more active in seeking the change.

There’s a saying that “Goals are dreams with a deadline”. So, if you find yourself having to tolerate dissatisfaction; and lack the ability to induce change, pose there and ask yourself: What is the ideal job for me? And where am I now? If the gap between your ideal job and your current status is huge, then it’s a call for action. Here are few tips to make you invoke a process of an “AHA!!” moment and work on a dream to come true. These rely on my personal experience, prior research, and extensive observations:

1. Ask yourself “what am I so passionate about? What are you talented at?” Decipher what makes you tick. Think of your role model. Observe how h/she acts? If you have an answer, skip to tip number 5.
2. If you have no clue what your passions are, then explore your options. A quick reflection on the most fulfilling activities you engage in can provide you with a clue.
3. Still stuck? Nothing seems to be appealing? Put yourself out there and try new things. Be really open to cease any opportunity that comes your way. You can’t know if it’s a potential passion if you don’t try.
4. Still can’t find it? (Boy!! There might be an underlying depression lurking in the background . No seriously, investigate if you do by seeking psychotherapy). If not, your character needs to fit somewhere; try to explore further what could be the best fit. Keep trying.
5. When you identify your passion, dream on. What would your ideal “you” be doing on the job driven by such passion? Include all the details possible. Engage all your senses. Vivify that dream (i.e. make it alive).
6. Consider the actions needed to make that dream happen. Make a list of the different possible options. Have a plan.
7. Commit to taking actions a step at a time. If you’re the type who procrastinates, share your vision with someone who would hold you accountable (e.g. a friend you can trust, or a coach if you can afford it ).
8. Take the actions necessary to move forward. When one thing doesn’t work, try another. No disappointment can be coined as a failure; it’s only feedback that some other strategy can work better.
9. Assess and revise your plan as you proceed. Plans may evolve and branch out the more you give them good thought.
10. Be persistent. It’s very easy to become discouraged when all attempts do not come to fruition, so keep that dream alive. Enjoy the process of learning while keeping an eye on the destination. It’s just another adventure.

Alas, no one is affected enough about your frustration more than you are. No one will care enough more than you do. Spare others, on the receiving end, the toll of your whining and complaints. You wouldn’t want your nagging to drive others away from you. From what I know, we are more drawn to others who are cheerful. If the situation permits, you can always share with close ones your attempts to move forward despite the dispiriting results. In such conversations, you might, as well, be offered new insights about different alternatives that could work. You can be the maestro of your of your life if you choose to. The sound of music heard relies heavily on you, so create your own life. Make your own symphony. Have a dream….

Note: Stay tuned to my next post on moving forward on the personal level (even if all prospects appeared dim).

Choosing to Move Forward (1)

2009-09-30T09:37:00.002+03:00

The other day, as I waited to meet a friend at my mostly frequented coffee shop, I had an interesting brief conversation with the waiter on duty. He just opened up to brief me on his latest news. “I applied to this famous hotel chain and am hopefully quitting this place” he said. He then continued to list his frustration with his current job and how there was no room for promotion there. At the age of 38, he found himself needing to advance forward instead of being stuck in the same monotonous job. He presented more reasons that moved him into taking action towards change. He had a vision of a better fit to his aspirations and I thought that “Wow!! This is a really healthy sign of thriving on the profession”.

I compared that waiter to a friend of mine who excessively whines of monotony at the work place; yet, does not do anything to change or add flavor to what she does. Despite my constant attempts at directing her towards exploring the options there, she would be very resistant to suggestions of all sorts. She might be too afraid to trying something new, or move out of her comfort zone. There must be something appealing in her current employment, but she surely wouldn’t openly recognize it, or look for it. She was oblivious to her power of making choices to effect some change.

Such varied responses between frustrated people on the job prevail to varying extents. Some of us choose to deal with the problem and are proactive to move forward; others choose the easier path of whining that they have a problem. It’s as if things could change to the better by a magical intervention, but would they? Could we hope for remedy if we do not solicit it, or even take action towards it? The choice to progress needs to stem from a burning and motivating desire to grow. No one can instill it for someone else. Surely others can nourish it along the way, but it has to be already there. Do you have a vision of the best self you want to be? If so, my guess is that you’re on the path of moving forward…..

Guard Your Reputation With All Arms

2009-09-18T20:57:00.009+03:00

Glass, China, and Reputation, are easily cracked, and never well mended.~ Benjamin Franklin

A quote well thought of indeed. Businesses, groups, and foundations all try to establish a cutting edge reputation to advance forward. Wouldn’t you, as an individual, work on developing your own reputation on both levels: personal (or perceived character) and professional (in terms of achievements)? Your reputation represents your social evaluation; and hence, constitutes a portion of your basic identity. Because you are not invisible and are bound by civil interactions, your reputation matters. Like it or not, it follows you like a shadow everywhere you go; consequently, is one of those assets you need to maintain well-polished.

I started pondering about this concept as I observed an interaction that took place between one of my colleagues and her superior. The latter was aggressive, sarcastic, and haughty as she denounced my colleague with reprimand over a really trivial matter. I stood there speechless about the notorious image that superior was portraying. I wondered why she degraded her own personal worth as such despite being professionally at a competitive advantage. It made me realize that some of us don’t really care about having a well-rounded reputation. In some aspects, they act on whim and let themselves be driven by uncontrolled inner forces. A little thing like that told a lot about that supervisor. Despite the many finer professional qualities of her in hindsight, I couldn’t but become myopic and map the shortcomings of her in that brief encounter. If I am asked to assess her now, I would say: she is professionally outstanding, BUT…so and so…. That BUT, being said, negates anything that preceded :(.

Have you ever considered that your reputation maybe the only immortal aspect you have? Not only do you form judgments of yourself, others similarly form an impression of you. These accumulate to form your reputation. It forms in the past, is maintained in the present, and continues to compound in the future. You will forever remain a target for evaluation, as people take short-cuts in describing the person you are. From mere chatting, to gossip, to scandals most people might entertain, warn, or take your case as an example as they converse. Keeping that in mind, you might as well plant the seed for a sound reputation and nourish it with your attitudes and behaviors. It’s not something ephemeral; rather, becomes like an oak tree taking years to grow, but once well-rooted, stands tall and endures.

Some people are not concerned with social evaluation. So what if I deviate from social norms this one time, or do the things that I consider right despite opposing social consent - some would be tempted to say. Ones reputation is very fragile and it would take painstaking efforts to restore a crack there. I, personally, would rather remain alert and guard my reputation with both hands. My reputation determines how others will relate to me in any role I partake. I do care about being consistently held in high esteem. My reputation is among the few things I’ll pass on to my off-springs. I do care about nourishing that oak tree – strong, enduring, and ever green. I live with others and for others. I, therefore, formulate a set of standards to abide by in my behaviors and deeds; would you want to do the same too? After all, don’t you think Benjamin Franklin was right when he said:It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it
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You are One of a Kind!!!

2009-09-10T20:25:00.005+03:00

So I was conversing the other day with a friend of mine when he said something that lit a bulb in my mind’s eye. He mentioned that he finds everybody the same. He fell in the trap of over-generalization. Without hesitation, I responded that I disagreed. It’s a matter of perspective, I guess. He looks at sameness. I try to find the unique qualities in every person I meet. I don’t suppose people have a lot of commonalities. I mean, physically we share the basics, but what fascinates me about human nature is the unique combination of the varied qualities or traits forming one’s character. That’s what magnetized me to be in the peoples’ business; and aim at partnering with others in their process of self-discovery.

Do you share my belief that YOU are special in YOUR own way? When I hold this attitude as I talk to you, you shine. Come to treating you as yet another ordinary person, that sparkle in your eyes fades :(. Experiment on it and see for your self. Notice the difference in another person’s behavior when you treat him/her on bases of fault-finding or neutrality on one hand, and with affirmation of their best unique qualities on the other hand. The outcomes are amazingly polarized. This happens because we all have a grounded unequivocal conviction that no one can ever match our being that idiosyncratic in so many ways. We could make use of external sincere reminders to support that guiding principle no matter how hard we try not to openly seek it.

So, when I interact with you, you can be confident that I will be exploring the best in you. I will try hard to find those things in you that I would want to imitate. I will make sure to voice out loud the commendable actions you demonstrate. That mind-set requires a lot of training; and it definitely is not easy to take that stance permanently all of a sudden. You can object that you cannot apply this attitude to every one you meet. Abound are those whom you hold a grudge against, or shun to cut the cords of any further possible maltreatment. To that I say, give yourself some time to forgive and forget. Meanwhile, find where they blossom and eulogize it. You’ll find that things can take on a different turn.

You can, also, balk that people might think you’re just sucking in. To that I say, when people find out how genuine you are, and that your attitude is consistent with all those you meet, they will know that with you, they are in safe hands; and that their image you will never break. You are unique in so many positive ways. It’s those positive attributes that I try hard to find in our first encounter. It is those positive attributes that I keep looking for in further exchanges…..

I Got Promoted… Oh, Shsh-t!!

2009-09-05T23:33:00.004+03:00

A dear friend of mine recently got promoted to the position of the CEO of this reputable huge firm. I met with her just yesterday to discuss the great news only to find out that she was terrified by the news. Shock waves of worry were still coloring her perception of her pinnacle professional accomplishment. Instead of being a chest-thumping Tarzan, she was dejected. I found her gritting her teeth mulling about the tantalized situation that firm was in. She thought that the prospects of enacting a directional shift towards growth were poor as demonstrated by the successive CEOs handling that same post. I saw things differently; and started dissecting with her the different aspects of her worries. She was disempowering herself with negative thoughts and bleak attributes of the situation; and that needed to change. She can’t decline such an opportunity and has all the right to worry, but whining about the problems surrounding her added responsibility did not serve her much. We first changed the term “problems” into “concerns”. We then started focusing on how to dissolve or solve those concerns. She had already begun that, and as we sat there more solutions surfaced.

Our dialogue led to an attempt at adopting a more empowering stance; thus, allowing more reign for positive thoughts. What she needed more than ever, now, was to muster all her energy and arm her self with few pivotal basics:

a) Faith. Fate/life (not the board members) has chosen her to have this post. There is something precious in there for her (a lesson, a reward, or an experience). She needs to trust what the cosmic energy is giving her! It is meant for a reason. A more “let’s look at it as a challenge” stance is to be adopted. Why not explore the marvels of having achieved and have a taste of being there at the top? She has worked real hard for a post that by now she deserves. She has all the expertise and the right credentials.

b) Positive beliefs about her yourself. Henry ford once said: “Believe you can, and you can; believe you can’t and you’re right”; and this is not just a quote. Accumulated research suggests that those who believe in themselves (and their capabilities) do succeed; those who are hesitant and are doubtful don’t often make it. Even if she had doubts in some areas, she is better off in focusing on what she is good at. Weak areas can often be delegated to subordinates to handle, or rectified with time.

c) Knowledge. She needs to get hold of all sorts of information needed for that new post. A gradual expansion of her knowledge data base was a requirement now more than ever. She needed to allow herself sometime to recap on filling the necessary gaps. She can’t possibly know all the details in the world, but can surely be selective. A supportive team can be the perfect back up providing her with the required essentials.

d) Experts, family, & friends: She, lastly, would need to contact those who were in a similar position and learn from their mistakes. Consultations with field experts were to be prioritized; Furthermore, modeling professionally the success stories of prominent figures would be an asset and a good guideline. At the same time, she needed to stay surrounded by family members and friends. She now needs additional eyes and ears to redirect her once she drifts away with the added responsibility. Family members and friends love her; and she needs to be open to their suggestions on a personal level.

In addition to equipping herself with the above resources, she needed to utilize additional strategies to succeed on her new endeavor. Our discussion touched on:

1. Having a clear vision of what that new role entails. Moreover, it was important for her to establish the legacy she wanted to leave behind. All outstanding organizations have clearly stated “Vision” and “Mission” statements. They hang these everywhere. Why wouldn’t the same apply on us as people? She needed to write these in her journal. It facilitates goal setting in order to achieve the mission. Research suggests that 97% of those who achieve their goals actually write these down. It keeps one focused and organized. No one has to be overly rigid once the goals are specified (reassessment and revision can be undertaken as the need arises). Clarity is a key to success.

2. Added responsibility might lead to over-working herself. She needed to keep an eye on “her-self” as a person (with all her extended roles as mother, wife, friend, etc…..). No one on his/her death-bed ever wished having worked more. All regret the precious moments not spent with loved ones. Some work-family balance needs to be struck and stays in check.

We discussed more specifics that worried my dear friend; and addressed each in sundry ways. When one impregnates action steps to any area of concern, the seeds of more solution focused coping emerges. It’s OK to acknowledge worries, but more importantly to process these and de-emphasize their grandiosity. As my friend and I departed, I deeply wished my friend to have become more galvanized to face a “challenge” not a “nightmare” as she perceived it to be. I assured her of lending my full support. I know it is really difficult to coach friends, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to be there with my “coach hat” on. As I mentally reviewed the points we discussed, I considered these applied not only to the case of her promotion per se, but to handling our professional roles any time along the way of progress…..

I Am My OWN Priority

2009-08-20T21:55:00.006+03:00

I was wondering about our tendency, sometimes, to lose sight of what we truly want out of living, of the future we want to construct, and of what really matters to us. I am not living in vacuum, I must admit, and therefore, find myself subject to external pressures of all sorts. These could be other people I interact with, situations I am put in, or general life circumstances. I live only once, why not squeeze the juice out of life? I reckon the best way to do that is to set myself as my own priority. This needs to be my hallmark. I was shaped enough in my upbringing and I am an adult now. From now on, it’s my life, so let ME do the “defining”; why should I let someone else do the job for me when I’m wise enough to do it on my own?

These thoughts crossed my mind’s eye when I observed several clients who although dealing with different types of concerns, share almost analogous bases (e.g. dealing with relationship issues). They seem stuck into considering how “others” are relating to them. Almost every question I ask is answered in terms of what “others” have said, or done; or “what if” others will say or do. Where is the “you” in all this, I consistently ask? What do “you” really want? What are “you” going to do about it? Why be reactive? Where is your initiative? Clients like these, and other people I know, seem to subject their desires to the periphery. They assume the stance of a victim, a martyr, or get trapped into complying with the needs of others. They forget the “me” – as responsible and liable – in the whole interaction process.

Such cases make me go back in thought to my repeated attempts in telling my students: “The most important ‘date’ you could ever take is that with your own self. Just take sometime to know more who you are; and what you really want out of life. Get to know both your strengths and limitations; yet, capitalize on your strengths. Get clear on your values. These are guidelines for your behavior; and constitute what’s important for you. They eventually shape your decisions; hence, are bases for a solid vision of your life satisfaction. Get a sense of the direction you’re heading in. Follow your passions, set your priorities, and build your resources.” Whenever you have a clear idea about who you are and what you want to be, or achieve, life would not look like the very difficult puzzle it seems to be (at times). Possible confusion or distress would have little room then in your lives. Set your self as a priority. Everything else would seem to flow more easily afterwards.

I am not suggesting that we are to focus on our needs at the expense of disregarding the whole ecological system we’re engulfed in. It’s just that, at times, considering the “me” in the context may require more focus. Even if the “me” was defined in terms of others, we gain clarity as to where we fit. For instance, one client would finally admit that: “I am a martyr for the sake of my family”. When she clearly defined the framework of her true self, it was a leap forward in de-mystifying her role. I appreciated her sacrifice to keep the family intact. We then worked within the confinements of that role. Imprisoned for the sake of the family; yet, doing the best “She” could to still vivify other aspects of her life. She, then, prioritized herself within that system and she ardently embraced a new attitude of mind. She, then, started to be more giving.

How can you give when you don’t fill up your reservoir? All sorts of machinery need some sort of recharging. Although by far we are more unique, our survival entails more than just physiological nourishment to operate. We need to feed our spirit, our mind, and our passions. The options are varied to summon up our spiritual energy. Seize the opportunity to fill up your psyche and stretch your horizon. Dream on; and make life worth living. Develop a purpose to work on, or mark a blueprint to leave behind. With enough determination and focus, we remain true to ourselves and foster our well-being. Oh yes! Without such a vision, life would seem bleak and not worth the effort. And oh yes! We’d find our selves faltering and vacillating at the mercy of the dictations by others.

Let me be my OWN priority. This will inevitably feed into everything else in my life. It is only then that I can be the giving person I yearn to be….

Keeping An Eye On My “Sociostat”!

2009-08-12T11:56:00.002+03:00

Ever heard of the term “Sociostat”? It stands for our social thermostat and was coined by the social psychologists Bibb Latané and Carol Werner. They propose that we all have a need to affiliate with others and maintain certain levels of social contact. This tendency, however, is subject to optimal balance just like our caloric intake. We sometimes crave the company of others; yet at other times, we need to be alone. Engaging in a lot of social activities can disrupt our sociostat. That is why we seek some respite to adjust the imbalance. It reminds me of the extroversion/introversion personally characteristic dimensions proposed by Hans Eysenck. He suggests that extroverts have a chronically under-aroused nervous system; thus, seek social contact and novelty to uplift it to more favorable levels. The inverse is true for those introverts. Maintaining a state of homeostasis relates to many other phenomena and that is crucial for our well-being.

During this time of year (summer season), schools are mostly off. The trend here in Lebanon is that people living abroad return to their home country to spend all or part of their summer vacation. A vacation mode sets in even for most of us who resume their careers gracefully and set their own agendas for vacation time. Many would find themselves in an enforced vacation mode with an overflowing schedule of family and friends to meet and catch up with. Business appointments crossroads with a “lunch it” here and “dine it” there to accommodate for all. “Get togethers” has to be topped by friends you’re trying to maintain (wouldn’t want to dump these for the time). If you are a parent trying to entertain your (sitting at home) kids, you’ll have additional outings to organize. Guess what happens to the sociostat I’ve mentioned earlier? Does it resonate with what goes on around you? Are you freaking out because your threshold has gone awry?

Here is what you need to do: keep an eye on that sociostat. Extroverts and introverts can’t help it for seeking to increase or decrease their exposure to situations to adjust their under or over-aroused nervous system. Both are biologically inclined to “be” the way they are. You can, similarly, be attentive to your sociostat. For some, summertime is a golden opportunity to satisfy the incessant need to be with other people. For others, there life becomes topsy-turvy. They are guilt ridden if they listen to their own need of taking time alone; or are severely overwhelmed if they try to satisfy all ends. Still a third group lies somewhere in the middle; accepting the situation and going with the flow. Where do you locate yourself were we to construct a dimension denoting these three groups?

Obviously, those who do not aspire excessive social contact have a major concern to deal with. What might they do to buufer the incipient threshold burst? Few modus operandis come to mind:
1. Make time for daily “reboot”. You wouldn’t want to be a nervous wreck on the next social function. For every job well-done, there’s a reward. You bent backwards and disrupted your routines; schedule sometime for yourself to spend your day the “preferred way”. Remember, your batteries need constant recharge.
2. Be very selective in your choice of people to meet. If it is another obligation, or those involved are the dreary negative type, let the outing be very brief; else, invite more people to join (those who are more positive, or ones you truly prefer).
3. You strive on self-focus, so be mindful during these outings. Turn your interactions with others as a chance to observe how YOU deal with people. Make the best of it and savor these days to make them work for you (not against you).
4. Reframe those interactions from negative experiences you do not enjoy into more positive terms (e.g. it’s a temporary challenge, I love these guys, I am satisfying their need to be with me, I’ll soon be back to my usual routines, etc…..)
5. Prioritize. Don’t lose yourself in the hassle. Some things cannot be put off; and some people are not staying around for long. Re-shuffle your priorities while keeping focused on what mattes most to you (e.g. your goals, profession, family,…).
6. It’s a chance to learn to say “NO” (when you have to). You really don’t need to stress yourself to comply with the social pressure. If you don’t care of yourself, no one else will.

These are but few techniques for coping before exploding. Even the wisest among us can sometimes focus myopically on having a concern and lose sight of needing to effectively deal with that concern. Our sociostat is woven into our fabric, so in your mind’s eye, just observe: it’s not only the people, it’s not only the outings. It’s YOUR sociostat. Embrace it while keeping an eye on it.

Actions Breed Results

2009-08-03T08:57:00.004+03:00

I usually spend a considerable amount of time over the internet: from checking my email, to Blogging, to visiting multiple social media sites, to browsing the net for information, to joining ICA classes through Skype, or even conducting my coaching sessions. For the past few weeks, I have been receiving mostly forwarded messages on my email. Nothing special, or personal. It then occurred to me that it was only a result of my in-action in networking. I was on a very long vacation with minimal time spent in most of these domains. I did not send so many personal messages and this led to receiving very few in return. It made me ponder about the influence of our efforts and actions on any results we accrue.

I observe the trend in myself, and in those all around me. When I want something, I have to work on getting it. Just thinking about it won’t serve the purpose. I can talk about a dream for ever, but if I don’t do anything about it, it won’t be delivered on a golden plate. I must disagree, here, with Rhonda Byron’s propositions in her wide known book “The Secret”. According to the law of attraction, she suggests, it’s enough to keep focused on a goal or dream. Think hard and the universe will send it to you she claims. I find that really hard to believe. Where is your conscious role in all of this? Where is your action to get it? The law of attraction serves you well only if you take some steps in that direction. Combined with the power of positive expectations and beliefs, our actions are the bases moving us closer to our aspirations.

I call a friend, I don’t find him/her, s/he calls back (most likely). I go out, interact with people, and I have abundant material to write about. I exercise daily, and I feel my energy levels boost up. I post a comment on my favorite author’s Blog (Robin Sharma), and he replies back (Yay)! I procrastinate doing nothing really important during the day, and sure enough I’ll have less and less things going on for me. Sometimes, such a state is much needed. A time to “reboot” serves us well. If prolonged, however, it gets in our way of moving forward. Sometimes we get stuck in initiating actions. We delay, come up with excuses, or become too anxious about failing. But how can we be certain about the results if we don’t give things our best shot?

It has been said that: “It’s better to have tried and failed, than never have tried at all.” Keeping things in motion yield either of 3 results:
1. Successful attempts feeding positively into our emotional states.
2. No tangible results that, lo and behold, will be precipitate to becoming concrete in time. These can succumb in frustration; hence, we need to energize ourselves to persist and keep determined.
3. Negative feedback (as not to say failure) that our actions need some redirection or change. This yields to distressed emotions that again need to be addressed, controlled, and reversed.

In all three instances, the dynamic nature of behaving breeds results that can be used or changed to serve our best interest. There is no point in a “cease fire” if the rules of the game are not altered. I consider each and every one of us a “fighter” under his/her own command. No one else has to lead us into the throes of uncertainty. Within every situation a specific translation is embedded; and it is up to us to make the best of it by keeping things in motion. Let action drive us to results. It is the latter that give our life meaning and purpose. It is those results that feed into the cycle of growth and progress…..

Fake it Till You Make it

2009-07-31T11:01:00.004+03:00

I feel a connection with the universe when sometimes incidents with analogous content take place in a row. It’s like I’m being sent messages that I cannot ignore. Here is another account of yet another lesson learned. I woke up in a cranky mood this morning (yes….. I am human and do have my ups & down). I felt overwhelmed by having so many endless obligations and responsibilities. I just came back from my yearly vacation with the family and things needing my intervention were piling up like mountains: so many errands, too little time. I started off by writing my usual list of “things to do” and another of things to get from the supermarket. And my day began …..

It was a long wait at the hairdresser and for the first time I forgot to grab along my book to read. I felt strange not being able to use my time wisely by reading while I waited. Turning to the available magazines there did not satisfy my taste. I decided to do something about my mood, so I reciprocated the young employees’ nice attempts in initiating conversations by being more focused and humorous. We ended up with more prolonged chats than my usual practice to kill time. When another lady customer walked into the place, I was surprised to hear one of those young men groan: “Oh no, not her again!” I asked why he said that and his reply was that she never smiles; she’s not like you he added. Indeed for one hour I observed her while I interacted laughingly with those employees. Her face was endlessly grim as if her introspections revealed only contemplations over misery. I wasn’t in my best of mood, but I faked it until it gradually kicked in. Why let those around me sense my concerns when it was me invading their space?

As I continued running my errands, I persisted with enforcing a good mood on myself. It didn’t take me a lot of effort. It just started coming out naturally. At the supermarket, I was conversing with the butcher and requesting my stuff in a respectful and cheerful manner. He would reciprocate by being as kind and merry. Our gentle interactions were interrupted by another lady who barged in and started bossing around that man with a flat look on her face. She wasn’t requesting her needs; she was rather ordering and demanding. The butcher waited until she was distracted and asked: “I wonder what people lose by not smiling at others?” He’s absolutely right to note that. He added that he appreciates my smiling face and noted that it well decorated my beautiful face (blush :)). I compared how he continued interacting with both of us and I surely felt preferred to deal with and support with the service needed.

I know we all carry a heavy burden of responsibilities and worries. People we interact with are not mind-readers. They automatically form judgments and impressions. We can experience all sorts of reservations and no one has to neither know nor deduce. Specifically, I point to those employees we interact with briefly for services. They are humans with mostly monotonous and boring jobs. Our emotions seep into their laps and in turn are reproduced into the services they offer. True, my mood was cranky that morning, but being eager to suppress it and reverse it did yield in positive feedback from those around me. I was lucky to encounter others with similar attitudes. Those young employees at the hairdresser do have their own baggage of concerns, so did that butcher. Faking a good mood became contagious, was positively reinforced, and gradually set in. I returned home really satisfied with having accomplished my “to do lists” for that day. But above all, and despite the fact I had more responsibilities to take care of the next morning, I knew that I can make it a day even better for me & for others….

Before I Sleep.....

2009-06-21T21:27:00.002+03:00

As you rest your head on your pillow, what do you think about? Ever thought about what systematically goes on in your head then? What patterns of thinking usually surface? A while back, I tried to introspect & observe myself every night. Sometimes I would be too drained & would find myself transcending to that altered state of consciousness in seconds. At other times, I toss and turn. My thoughts would be racing in seemingly endless motion.

To start with, I love to sleep & always look forward to that special time with myself. When I don’t get enough sleep, my mood suffers; no matter how hard I try to make believe that it’s not. I engaged in a lot of self-talk in an attempt to train myself to live with only few hours of sleep. Soon, I’d say, I will have no choice & be put to permanent sleep involuntarily. It didn’t work. I’ve grown to accept the fact that my biological endowment requires me to have a good-night sleep. I just can’t help it. I need to change my belief that when I sleep, I am actually losing time in being more dynamic in other matters. My incessant passion to get things done was a major driving force. I need to slow that down. Let me go with the flow. Respect what my body needs, accept it, and enjoy it while I can.

So what happens as I lay there? Very interesting observations conjured up. It has been noted that in waking states we have around 60,000 thoughts each day. Some of these recur during the day more often than others. What I noticed was an extension of these thoughts as I hug my fluffy pillow & attempt to sleep. Flashbacks of what happened during the day emerge. These could be major or minor events. The flow of similar thought processes continues to include planning ahead: what I need to do tomorrow & how next day will look like. I guess that is common & automatic for most of us. What I noticed, also, is a tendency for my thoughts to be more random-like & mixed up as I fall into the actual sleep state. This is known as the “hypnagogic state” during which thoughts become dream-like and resemble hallucinations. It is followed sometimes by a feeling of a free-fall into a dark abyss. And that is often times associated by a jerky movement in bed as if resisting the fall. The whole thing is just the beginning of something like a trance.

Another observation is that whenever I am not soon enough in that “hypnagogic state”, it is sometimes because my inner ramblings are so charged, intense & fast. It is in such instances that I needed to resort to slowing them down. (I) (s t a r t) (t h i n k i n g) (s l o w l y ) (a b o u t) (a n y t h i n g) . . . . I also resort to imagining that abyss & that I have, in fact, started falling endlessly. I just attempt to dive in there. I even deliberately make my thoughts chaotic: think of mixed up events, people, or settings randomly. This would be enough to prepare me to transcend beyond wakefulness. These techniques work with me almost every time.

One last thing I promised myself to do a long time ago & before I sleep is a quick assessment of the day. I still do that. Was it a productive day? How can I improve on this or that? Am I a better person today? Did I positively influence anyone? Was I helpful today? Am I closer to my dreams and goals? What are today’s lessons? And so on…… These questions crossroads with the flashbacks I have about the day & the planning for the next. It is by far the most important thing I can do to conclude my day.

During all this process, many times, I like to design my own conscious dreams. I know some things are too far fetched to come into reality, but there’s no harm in imagining the impossible. For me, the sky is not the limit. Conscious dreams serve two purposes: they are an escape to the ideal world I yearn, and they are in the form of goals to fulfill. They are under my control & I can shape them the way I like. In the end, the process “before I sleep” undeniably turns out to be something I look forward to. It is so varied and so fascinating. Am I to blame, then, when I welcome having a good sleep? Putting my busy head to respite - my own way - is one thing I will forever cherish & enjoy. The involuntary dreams that follow are even a more captivating experience. I won’t whine, after all that, for sleeping as much as I do (mind you it’s not more than 8 hours of sleep per day) :).

Surprise!! Surprise!!

2009-06-11T00:10:00.002+03:00

OK, it’s my birthday and this post seems a continuation of the latest one I wrote by mere coincidence, but I don’t believe in chance. It looks like festivity was already in the air. Two days before (what I consider) the big day I sat on my balcony over looking portions of the sea. It is my favorite spot ever; and I was immersed in deep thought about how another year folded. I have this tendency to engage in more prolonged assessments of how things are flowing in my life during such occasions. It’s been a week since I’ve been trying to reboot. I was waiting for Mama to pass by and give me something before I ran to the supermarket to fetch the long list of things we needed for the house.

I couldn’t initiate any major endeavor while I waited, so I further contemplated. I acknowledged myself for having achieved a lot since my last birthday: Maintaining my role as an influential member of my close and extended family, solid footsteps in the path of expanding my career from a psychology instructor to that of a certified life-coach, training in clinical therapy, and along the way, I have read numerous books, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and maintained the precious ones I have. I did my best to sculpt my own brand. I also encountered few mishaps that were successfully reframed as opportunities. These took the necessary time to process, accept, and are behind me now. I revisited my plans and priorities and was flexible enough in utilizing different strategies to overcoming obstacles. “Letting go” is one powerful lesson I learned during the past year. I couldn’t help but become aware of the fact that I am physically aging (although I feel really young in spirit). At 44, I really have to watch it. Then I stared setting my plan for the coming year. How can I further improve? Goal setting time….

Then the door bell rang, and Mama joined me in my favorite spot. Now my deliberation ended and we started our usual conversation about what she did, how I had been, etc… As my two dear kids came in and out repeatedly to join for few minutes, Mama and I exhausted our usual topics. She then started discussing politics when my Hubby (or Dad as I prefer to call him) came home and sat around with us. He declined my attempt to prepare him his usual dinner. Mama stayed there and I wondered “that’s unlike her? Dah!” She usually gives me my space and knew I had plans to go out fetch my list. I started becoming irritated when both of them decided to move inside watch the news. Great! Just what I need: being bombarded by negativity. I have abandoned that ritual, and would rather remain global when it comes to political knowledge. Out of courtesy to Mama, I didn’t even resort to my laptop to self-entertain while they both listened.

Then again, the door bell rang. I wondered who it could be; we weren’t expecting anyone in the evening. AND… it was the most brilliant surprise ever. My beloved ones started coming in one by one holding balloons, huge cake boxes, gift wraps,…shouting “SURPRISE!!” and singing the happy birthday song. My brother and his family; my mother and sister in law and her family, my cousins and their children….. I was startled and only replied “It’s not today. It’s not today!!” but couldn’t help but burst into laughter and disbelief. Soon, our living room was filled with around 20 happy cheerful faces. I look at each and every one of them and feel so much love. I feel loved. I feel special. I am in the spotlight. That’s nice for a change. It was an awesome surprise. One, I will never forget. I felt so happy; so blessed. I was jumping around with joy; kissing all opening my gifts; expressing my gratitude. Hubby made a lot of effort to coordinate. He went out of his way, as he had to leave on a business trip next day, so two days a head went well and indeed caught me off guard. That trip was meant to be. It gave a reason for an earlier celebration; and resulted in being a surprise in the full sense. It’s my kind of party. Thanks again Dad.

Celebrations make a difference…. In the past, I didn’t mind keeping a low profile about occasions although deep down I always yearned for something special. I guess I lowered my expectations with time since it really was hard to be innovative each year. Once we expect it each time, these things wouldn’t be labeled as “surprises” no more. I’ll settle for a “now and then” such festivity. “But, how am I going to celebrate next year” I asked Dad. I can’t ask for another one. Maybe I should do the planning. I have a tentative idea for now, hehehehe!!! It will be so different……

Celebrate Life: Be Grateful

2009-05-29T19:10:00.002+03:00

A couple of days back, I ran across a young boy with no arms. He’s a beggar, I suppose, but one who was busy looking at the sea waves crash on the shore. Shortly after, I noticed a young man sitting on a wheel-chair selling chewing gum boxes. Obviously, it was his way of making a living. Gees!!!…. There must be a message in there for me: Two very unfortunate individuals in a row were enough of a reminder to start reflecting more deeply on how fortunate I am to have my four limbs intact. Not only that, I have much more to be thankful about. Then an overwhelming sense of gratitude struck me! I have a lot to celebrate about every single day!

Why is it that we resort to celebrating only new years eve, birthdays, anniversaries, achievements, graduation, etc….? What does it mean to celebrate? Practically, many would define it a chance to rejoice or acknowledging passage successfully of a mile-stone. The trend is to engage close others with our own feelings of joy. I like it most when the celebration includes a speech by those concerned summarizing their thoughts (past and future that is); however, it is not always the trend. I wonder how many of us actually sit and reflect about what that occasion means, or assess the impact it had and will have on our future. How did we make use of the opportunity to have the experience and what further prospects lie there ahead?

Sometimes, we even let such occasions just pass by without any rejoice at all? Why? When we don’t, it is if we are denying ourselves the right to be happy about yet another landmark. Oh yes! We deserve to celebrate! And yes! Let those we partnered with and love join in the festivity! They deserve our acknowledgement that their support was one of the bases for our thriving. Let all be reminded that we – ourselves – need to commend our efforts. It keeps us going. It is much more potent than doing the positive self-talk in solitude.

I choose to celebrate everyday; not only occasions. I refuse to take the blessings I have for granted. I want to focus on those things I have; not those I still lack. The latter are only incentives requiring actions to fulfill. They are merely prospects for celebration with beloved others. When I go to bed each day, I want to have celebrated yet another day of: having been productive, of having lived with no serious ailment, of being surrounded by loving family and friends, of having a sober mind to do all these reflections, and of having the ability to feel blissful. I can think of many many more to be thankful and celebrate about. Even that young boy was contemplating the beauty of the sea. His eyesight was a blessing. And even the man on the wheel-chair held that chewing gum box with his arms and smiled at passers-by. I don’t want to have to be reminded that I am spared having a handicap. I choose to be grateful to what I have; I choose to celebrate just being….

Stress-Free Life?

2009-05-17T23:58:00.004+03:00

I am well in touch with the notion of stress. I believe roughly everyone is. I read a lot of research examining this construct and its relevance to many others: multiple definitions, coping mechanisms, underlying bases for most physical and psychological disorders, etc…. Fascinating topic; and very broad indeed. I was very aware of the detrimental effects it has on ones’ welfare and never claimed knowing it all. Recently, a colleague – Louisa Chan- offered me a chance to participate in a 4 session program to live a “Stress-Free Life in 30 days”. I felt honored to be selected as a participant. The title of the program appealed to me. I lead a life loaded with stressors of all sorts. I do handle most constructively; and attempt to transcend those that persist, but a “stress-free life” is beyond my comprehension! How can it be? It’s like stripping life of its lure.

Being a passionate learner, I enrolled as a participant. Already born a female, I and my kind, become vulnerable by imposed and ongoing societal role expectations. If I could do anything to buffer myself against the incongruence arising, then let it be undertaken. We all assume multiple roles. The challenge is satisfying all ends; yet, remain in control. What is stress, but a perceived inability to cope in face of excessive demands physically or psychologically? Here I am with a conflicting identity: purely me, a career woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a student, a friend, a manager, etc….. and the list goes on. So many labels and each require specific duties, aspirations, and above all TIME. With so many passions to explore new venues, with choosing so many “roads less traveled”, I was constantly being pulled by different forces and in different directions. How can I possibly accommodate myself to all without any stress experience? By definition, I am a living example of stress. It may not manifest fully, as I make use of various defense strategies. Why not learn more, and bridge whatever gaps still loiter?

Over a period of one month, the sessions of the program slowly unfolded with full flexibility, Q/As options, field work, and numerous down-to-earth analogies. Some readings confirmed my knowledge and practices of few de-stress techniques: Deep breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, de-cluttering, pouring out your heart in writing, etc… At the same time, I was on the track of more discoveries. So many new insights: we are by design programmed to float not sink in face of set backs, we are advised to assure ourselves that hard times will be overcome, we need to consciously change the energy of any distress to a driving more productive and healthier force, we are to act by priorities, and so much more…. Further strategies were suggested that despite their simplicity and power, many would fail to utilize.

I looked at my life and noticed a pattern there: high achiever, too many goals, list of endless things to do, aggressive pattern in working, a sense of urgency, etc…. It seemed to me I liked the trend, but these are some features of a Type A personality. Gosh! It is known that these people are more prone to coronary heart disease with excessive stress being an underlying factor. Why the rush (I told myself)? Are these goals worth dying for? Too many roles, too many things to do, too many ambitions, but too little time to fit all. I am always in a race to get things done. I earlier set lengthy deadlines; why not stretch them out further? A reverse in the trend of “over-delivering” is necessitated now before it is too late. Everything I do is feeding into my life experience as a whole. It looked like I had myopia on being over-productive. A take it “slow and easy” approach is a requirement if I willingly immerse myself in multi-tasking, or else stress would kick-in ending with strain and consequently burn-out. But can I do that? Or is it just an endowment I have to live with? Can I regulate this tendency of incessant role clashes? There is no reason why I shouldn’t.

Another enlightening aspect the program dealt with was emotional stress. The concepts of “seeking closure” in unresolved relationships and “feeling complete” were not utterly new to me. I’ve always read about the debilitating effects of physical and psychological traumas and how to handle these. It is only when the trauma is processed, its pain closely felt and accepted, and the notion of “forgive and forget” is adopted that the victim is able to transcend the trauma. In the process of growing and maturing, I have had my share of disappointments with people I considered so dear. Mini-traumas, as such, most likely surface for all of us. Emotional stress precipitates when, for example, we are let down, get frustrated, turn our anger inward or outward, and then move on. If our setback took place with someone really close, seeking completion entails confrontation and clarification of standards; then finishing up with setting boundaries and turning a new page. It is one wide spread strategy people use in varying intensities and degrees.

Sometimes, however, the hurt would be either too out of proportion for any reconciliation, or it could be that we are in no position to wage a battle for other considerations. It is in these cases that emotional distress lingers on, so what do we do in such cases I asked? Louisa answered by an ingenious technique. Write about it and describe all your feelings. Express your grudge, maltreatment, or injustice. Pour it all out on a piece of paper, think it over, get in touch with how it makes you feel, then decide to let go. Tell yourself: I’m not going to let that bug me no more, it’s gone, finished, then set your letter on fire. Watch that episode rage in flame then dwindle in enormity to become only ashes. Believe firmly that the magnitude of this event will diminish in your psyche; and it will. That is closure of all the negative feelings you carried. Visualizing the process happen and believing it will just be gone have potent effects on making it resolve. The power of visualization and that of belief have been demonstrated over again to be powerful sources for accomplishments. Let’s make use of these then to de-stress.

Stress-free life in just thirty days? Nothing is impossible and everything has an antidote. Louisa’s voice still echoes: by design, we are resilient. Keep an eye open to our attempts to resist too much. Strategies to de-stress on all levels are out there. It is entirely up to us to discover what works for us and what doesn’t. Never mind how many trials it would take to make it happen. To me, first, come awareness, assessment and a conscious decision. Second, follow sincere attempts and commitment. Lastly, results show us if we are on the right track. Any outcome we do not aspire is only feedback that something ought to be revised. This is a process only those determined utilize in all their ventures. It does not only pertain to alleviating the stress experience per se….

Thriving; Not Just Surviving

2009-05-10T23:01:00.005+03:00

Let me tell you an incident that led to writing this post. I came across a comment by an “Anonymous” on my previous Blog post (Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional). Since I was just reading (no other clues like tone of voice, or body language to convey additional information), it just occurred to me that “Anonymous” was being sarcastic: posing questions and challenging me to expand on a topic I consider sensitive to many. I published the comment anyway without feeling threatened. It was my choice to expand on my personal experiences and I refused to expose a lot about me (at that time). “Anonymous” responded again clarifying and ensuring me (without offense) that my style was appreciated, but people needed to hear about my own personal stuff to enhance my credibility.

Hmmmm! It made me think. It makes sense. I don’t have to reveal everything (some things are better left unsaid). I can be selective and transform my writing from just preaching to having it more grounded in experience. What I was doing was addressing the bigger picture. I can certainly spice things up by inserting more personal issues. It probably was a misconception to remain as mysterious or as objective as I was. I love it when my mentors provide me with anecdotes about their own unique life. I try to do the same with my students as we discuss down-to-earth psychological concepts. Why not do the same here on my Blog (although I’m just trying to jot down my thoughts; not trying to be a mentor to anyone yet)?

This brings me to the thought of “Thriving; not just Surviving”. I didn’t let that comment just reside in my “inbox” to be deleted later on without thought. Had I done that, it would ensure mere status quo and sheer survival. I thought more about the purposes it could serve. What can I learn from this?” Ok, I can deduce many downbeat scenarios (sarcasm, envy, immaturity, etc…), or I can search for opportunities to thrive (improve, seek a new root, attempt to modify, etc…). Let me try this new recommended strategy. There must be some truth in it somehow.
What have I to lose? If it does not work, I can always shift back to a newer strategy, or return to my former style. I will be undergoing constant metamorphosis - which I love. It is one of the most remarkable phenomena ever. It is a transition from surviving to thriving. It is flexibility that yields outstanding outcomes.

That was a personal experience! How’s that “Anonymous”? Ok, can’t do without some “preaching” time :) (it takes awhile to conclude metamorphosis): Learning is an essential component of our lives. Some of us are content with simple adaptation, and with pure physical and psychological survival. There is a difference, however, between remaining in a “comfort zone” and seeking constant upgrades. Small incidents abound in our daily lives. These can sometimes pass without our full awareness to the embedded message each carries. Even minute encounters can educate us in powerful ways if only we are fully present. Unless one has reached his/her full potentials and is known to have reached perfection, there is no need to seek further learning opportunities. Up to my knowledge, and to date, no such individual exists….

Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional

2009-04-19T20:59:00.005+03:00

We have a consuming passion to have things our own way since infancy. Real life, however, is full of uncertainties. We are faced with unexpected events that could be either pleasant, or horrid. Nice surprises or lucky encounters make us love life, energize us, and brighten up our frame of mind. At other times, things go astray: Dreams collapse, loved ones die, failure strikes, or we get betrayed. All sorts of negative feelings spiral us downward to the experience of inevitable pain.

As humans, we are honored to have such distinct emotions: honored, as these lift us beyond the physical experience shared by other species. We welcome with grace positive feelings and take these for granted as the proper state of affairs. When pain strikes us, we indulge in self-blame, or blame the whole course of being. We forget that pain is an essential component of our growth journey. It’s a powerful educator of the truth that nothing is absolutely within our control. We can never be totally in charge of our surrounding no matter how hard we try. What we can control, though, is our emotional reactions to what life brings us.

So, instead of despairing in face of setbacks, we have a choice between ruminating over our helplessness or empowering ourselves with added knowledge about reality: We are only masters of ourselves. Our choices pertain to our handling our own responses. We are what we choose to be: happy or hurt; filled with gratitude or denial; passionate learners or mediocre passives. When we sober up and look back at our past sufferings, we often come to realize that we unnecessarily let it dominate us for a lengthier time than needed. Life goes on with all its ebbs and flows. The cycle persists. We cannot totally eliminate the pain experience, but we surely can shorten our suffering. In the end, all it takes is serious attempts at remaining open to considering healthier possibilities........

Why Be "Praise" Misers?

2009-04-12T23:02:00.003+03:00

I heard someone say “Always praise in public and punish in private”. Very wise, indeed. How do our caregivers start teaching us right from wrong? They engage in punishing our bad behavior and (supposedly) praising our good efforts. Very intuitive, right? Sadly, the trend for praising slows down as we grow into adulthood. Very few are those parents who continue to commend their children’s’ efforts with time. Others are saluted for being alert not to embarrass their children in front of others upon misbehavior. They save the reprimand to a side-talk. Great! But they become blind unintentionally, sometimes, to the necessity of maintaining a sense of self-worth in their children. They don’t pause to counter-balance the negativity with what a child needs most: some acknowledgement for being good in other aspects.

Children are not the only targets of punishment or reprimand. It hurts even more when we become adults. We all make mistakes; and it’s already harsh enough to know that we are far from being perfect. But we learn from our mistakes (hopefully); and we don’t need someone else to keep bringing it to our attention in a domineering way. And if there is, indeed, room to effect positive change, there are rules for reprimand to work.

I admire those who are clever enough to properly frame a reprimand. Usually, those are more sincere in caring for the other and “saving his/her face”. They give some praise or compliment about the other person’s good intentions, unique personality, or another job well done. They, then, gently highlight the improper behavior, action, or strategy. Then suggest an alternative better mode to replace it. Even better, still, and after giving praise, is asking the other person whether that behavior is, indeed, the best there is in that given situation; and whether a better alternative exists. Very few are aware of how powerful framing reprimand in a positive sense is to move one forward.

In the heat of the moment, many loose sight of considering the good in others. We sometimes fail to see the bigger picture. But it is a learned skill. It can be utilized in dealing with both adults and children; with employees and employers; among spouses and friend. Praise – even for no specific incident- builds ones’ self esteem. It raises awareness that one is still appreciated despite any flows. It motivates one to believe in his/her ability to be a better person; not give up; and conclude being worthless. It is an attractive way to communicate with others.

I know people and employers who would refrain from paying tribute or compliments to others under any circumstance. When I ask why so, one mentioned that it’s his way of making the other person work harder and keep trying. In reality, this category would be so apprehensive to let others know how good they really are. They would be anxious of letting others be so confident or become conceited with time. All they could pinpoint is flaws of character, or faults in dealing or actions. What happens is it only leads others to stop trying. Why would they persevere if recognition is never granted? Unless they are intrinsically motivated to maintain high standards, the external motivation is just not there. Any interest to further prove one self wanes with time.

Unfortunately, “praise” misers are abundant everywhere we go. In every day life, few nice words do a great deal in alleviating a distressed soul. Praise and acknowledgement normally give reassurance of ones' being; and supports undertaken efforts. Why restrict it to a behavior, or any other specific occasion? Why is it that we use acknowledgement sparingly when its effects are like music to the ears. It stimulates the heart to love life, the self, and the other person. It does not cost much. When made a habit, it reflects self-confidence, transcendence to a higher emotional level, and wisdom. Why then remain misers in spreading positive vibes around?

From Seriousness & Sadness to Humor & Joy

2009-03-30T19:11:00.005+03:00

Don’t you envy those people who always have a cheerful attitude towards life? I, myself, love people with a sense of humor. They attract me like magnet. They make me seek their company more often. Nothing seems to be a big deal even the most serious goals they work on. They derive joy in every little thing they do. They feed humor into all their actions. Life to them just seems as a long funny comedy episode. They are the 'happy go lucky type'.

I commend their approach to life. I once heard a quote that said: “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway”. Very true, I believe. No matter how hard we try, in the end, we all share the same destiny. What makes us different is that some of us choose to focus on enjoying the ride while going to any destination. While others, fuss and complain at even the most trivial matters. A flat tire along the way, for instance. Big deal! Just have it fixed and move forward. Ultimately you’ll be there, only having made use of a more durable new tire supporting your journey. Even if matters go out of hand for a while; what would it serve us to get all mad about change of plans? Aren’t we better off with some unpredictability?

It’s all about holding the right attitude towards everything. Go out there and make your day a happy one. It’s all in your hands. A smile is contagious; so is laughter (even if no reasons exist). Derive joy in even the simplest things you do. You can always find some if you just reflect a bit about where it lies. It’s sad that we, as humans, are so special intellectually from other beings, yet, we are stuck with taking cognitive shortcuts; so habituated to not fully appreciating each moment we live.

Let’s shift our serious perspective about things. Notice the difference in your facial expressions when you do that. I am not saying that you are to negate your feelings when things go wrong. We can never be happy in times of loss; be it of people we love, or failures. Nor can we derive joy in such circumstances. It’s just that maybe it is better idea to take only some short time to grief that loss and not let it extend on and on. Process it for a while; and then look for the meaning of that experience and the lesson learned. There are hidden joys everywhere. I’ve seen people’s lives get transformed after loosing someone dear. They become full of gratitude for other things they still have.

So, whenever you feel that you haven’t smiled or felt happy during your day, start doing something about it. Instead of being so serious while going to work, running in errands, or actually doing your work, think happy. Wipe off that serious look and those sad thoughts. It won’t take long before we eternally become expressionless. Even if you’re not happy, just thinking happy thoughts will transform your mood. You are what you think. Does it take a genius then to conclude that we choose to make our lives full of delight or misery?

Respond in Kindness

2009-03-18T22:17:00.004+02:00

There are two contradictory principles regarding retribution to being wronged. One would suggest that “if you’re slapped on the right cheek, turn the other cheek”. It encourages neither retaliation, nor vengeance. The other suggests fighting back: “an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth”. Over the years, I found myself abiding by the first principle for several reasons:

1. I must agree with Mahatma Ghandi, who said: "An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind".
2. It serves us better than living with regrets.
3. It requires demonstrating self-control, maturity, and power to refrain from reacting in kind.
4. It gives one a feeling of being the bigger person.
5. It would feel the right choice even if one was distressed for a while.
6. It just might humble the other person and awaken the dormant good essence within.
7. I wouldn't want to prove that I could be as mean if I wanted to. I choose not to norish that part of me.

And, why not? Who am I to teach others a lesson? We are all given several chances for repenting. We will all face circumstances that leave us more enlightened. Perhaps “turning the other cheek” becomes one of those conditions. Perhaps, as well, it is just the right response to a God-sent test examining our strength of character.

Feedback or Criticism?

2009-03-16T21:02:00.005+02:00

When we interact with others, we are prone to give or receive judgments of various types. Sometimes judgments received may be positive. They either boost our self confidence, or verify that we are on the right track in our behavior or attitude. And don’t these just sound like music to the heart and ears? At other times, judgments by others may be negatively perceived. They might irritate us either because they are not true; thus, put us on the defensive, or because they strip away our having some positive self image. Wouldn’t we all need less to hear of these?

In some instances, we may have to deal with someone who keeps criticizing our actions, beliefs, or attitudes. For no apparent reason, and despite all our efforts to reflect a positive standing, we find ourselves being showered with negativity. As a result, we find ourselves taking precautions to shun meeting that person. “Why would I willingly put myself under attack?” one might rationalize. “I’d rather be with those who make me feel good about myself”, one would reason, right? Being criticized on one incident is enough to make us doubt ourselves, so why do we have to tolerate continuous negative evaluations?

Scientific research supports the idea that those who engage in criticism have, in fact, low self-esteem that they try to uplift by degrading others. Rest assured then, that once it’s the case, you are not at fault. Try to understand the insecurity that person is projecting; and smile back. Attempt to find good qualities s/he holds and give in return only praise about these assets. You just may succeed in giving him/her the reassurance needed.

Now, imagine that you caught yourself criticizing someone else. You might ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What purposes would it serve?” You might have all the good intentions in the world that all you are doing is providing feedback. Perhaps your aim is directed on improving certain aspects or casting some light on a different perspective. You might have a genuine care, but it would look as if you were superior, or merely degrading the other person. Some would assume they have the right to give such feedback being the other person’s boss, parent, or have any other hierarchical role. Even then, one should be aware that there’s a fine line between criticism and effective feedback.

Feedback has a different lure. It is put in positive terms. It is more humble and is phrased in terms of other possibilities. Unless you want to maintain your own belief that you know better, ask permission to give your feedback. Start up with a positive note on aspects to be discussed, then, highlight your opinion in a question form. Effective feedback provides alternatives and possibilities; Criticism locks one in a doubt loop. Feedback induces the receiver to ponder about ways to fine-tune; Criticism prompts one to shut-down and ruminate about shortcomings.

So next time you have the urge to give your own evaluation, aren’t you better off making sure it is not threatening to the other’s positive sense of self. Why not wrap your tone of voice with all sorts of sensitive considerations? I bet it would guarantee both an open heart and all ears to your message. Says who you know better? Even if your role dictates more knowledge, why not make it a two way communication process by listening to what is said in return? It could just be that you are the one who needs feedback….

What is it about Coaching that makes it an addition to your life journey?

2009-03-02T19:46:00.001+02:00

Many people are still unaware of what coaching is? What does a coach actually do? Why would coaching add to your life journey? Or if it was indeed a necessary tool? Before enrolling with the International Coach Academy, I posed these questions and many more. I had this passion to assist my friends and my students to get better than just satisfactory results in whatever endeavor they handled: their life in general, their interpersonal relationships, their professional lives, or their academic achievements. In many instances, my free services were not taken seriously and even resisted. It didn’t take long before I realized that to be effective, coaching has to be sought, not enforced. This, then, becomes a pre-requisite to actually benefiting from the coach’s service, but

What is coaching?
Coaching is about having a partnership with another person whose aim is to support you discover priorities that would make your life more meaningful, enjoyable, and fulfilled. Once you are able to pinpoint these, your relationship with a coach will help you devise a plan with concrete objectives to achieve within a set time frame. During the process, your coach plays the role of your: mind-assistant, devil’s advocate, cheerleader, and your backup support. We all have our moments of doubt in ourselves. In such instances, you will find that your coach will never be a skeptic in your potential, beliefs, or uniqueness. The coaching relationship helps you be your authentic self, create your own plans and solutions, and pursue your goals. We all need to see things from a different perspective no matter how sure we are of our own. We all need to share our aspirations, fears, accomplishments, and dreams with someone who has only our best interest. This is exactly what you’ll have in a coaching relationship.

Why not be self-reliant, resort to close friends, partner, parents, siblings, or other people we can trust?
You are better of having a coach because you need someone who is an expert at listening, someone who has only your best interest as a topic of focus, someone who can speed up your actions towards change. No matter how ingrained your belief is about yourself, a coach will help you identify any limiting beliefs. No matter how powerful your circumstances are, a coach empowers you to surpass any constraining factor. A coach is just trained to see things from many different angles; and this is why you can’t always be self-reliant. Your friends, partner, parents, or siblings have a tendency to see you in a role that serves your mutual relationships. They might not delve deeply into what really matters to you, or have the time to monitor whether you are taking action to progress towards your goals. This is the coach’s role not theirs. Being an outsider, a coach has the ability to see you thrive in different and multiple roles. Finally, you need not worry about opening up too much to a “stranger”. All coaches abide by the “Code of Ethics” set by the International Coaching Federation. Confidentiality is assured during the coaching process. It would be just like talking to your self on a clear shiny mirror….

When is coaching needed?
Any time during your life journey a coach is needed especially in times of transition, loss, change, confusion, or emptiness. Difficult times can be surmounted with the help of a coach, so do fast-pace times. An objective input is always an asset at any point in our lives.

I was asked: What's your life purpose now?

2009-02-21T21:49:00.002+02:00

I replied:

My Current life purpose is to effect positive change around me and help others. I would like to gently impact the lives of those I meet one way or another. Most people fall into the habit of taking short-cuts and analyzing their life circumstances through a very narrow lens. The opportunities out there are countless. And this is what I would like to assist others see.

I am a leader without a title. Just like I was able to create drastic changes in my life, I want to lend support to others in reaching their full potential. I will do it by shaping, changing, and improving the way they think. I would like to share my life vision with people who still do not trust what life brings them. In the end, I want to leave some guiding footstep to the right path of great accomplishments and clear self-knowledge.

Based on the belief that we all have dormant capabilities, I will persist in empowering people to unleash their drives. I will support others through being a true friend, a teacher, a coach, and a therapist. In that sort of people business, nothing would satisfy me more than having my own brand as an “eye opener”. A brand that makes those who knew me have a wide shiny smile upon hearing my name mentioned.

A message before leaving this world

2009-02-21T18:31:00.001+02:00

If I were on my death-bed and were asked to write the world a letter, it would look something like this:

My dear fellow humans,

Life is worth living, so make it a worthwhile journey. You can choose to influence whatever circumstance you are in. Just have the courage to be proactive and take initiative. Be a fighter who does not surrender to setbacks. Remember, everything happens for a reason, and with every adversity, lie a greater opportunity. Don’t let the fog cloud your mind in seeking passage through other opened doors. Life is meant to have so many ebbs and flows. Be grateful to having had happy moments, incidents, and fulfillment. Be sure that painful moments, or incidents were only meant to equip you with life lessons. Accept these with an open mind and take a moment to reflect on how powerfully they transformed you towards growth and maturity.

Whatever you choose to do, do your best on it. Whoever you decide to be, be a good one. Whomever you decide to influence, make it an influence to the betterment. If you’re reading this, you’re still alive. Aren’t you better off in deciding to live life abundantly?

So make your life a good one like I had. Luckily, I have only few regrets. I am leaving behind only nice memories about me. I thank God for giving me so many fortunes and chances. I thank my family and friends for being in my life. I forgive those who harmed me and also thank them for shaping the person I have become.

Till we meet in the next world, please don’t forget my final words. It’s an advice from someone who learned the rules of life the hard way…….

Dania

2009-02-21T13:15:00.000+02:00

On Empathy

It was a rainy and gloomy day, but a day I was so excited about: my first day as a clinical trainee. Here I am, among colleagues with a similar mission (so I hoped): alleviating the pain of those suffering.

The distressed lady sat there with eyes gazing in disbelief at an awkward situation she found herself in. A dozen other pair of eyes scanning her; waiting in silence until she pours out what she had burning inside. Medical students, other clinical trainees, one main interviewer located next to her, and an expert therapist heading the closed meeting.

Assuring her of utmost confidentiality, the main interviewer proceeded in trying to find what was behind the insomnia the lady was struggling with. Gently he probed in dissecting the circumstances she was facing and inquiring about any piece of information that could unravel the main causes of her discomfort.

With great unease, the lady spoke. In a tone smothered by humiliation she shared her most personal fears, problems, experiences, & most embarrassing life incidents. She tried hard to stay focused on communicating her message while late comers arrived to the meeting. Repeatedly another medical student would squeak open the door; thus, breaking the silence of her attempts to collect her dim thoughts from everywhere.

One observation struck me. One of the medical students came in late with a rather wide smile on his face. I thought he had a cheerful character, or he was merely trying to greet everyone, or even maybe attempting to apologize for his lateness. I expected that smile to gradually fade. To my surprise, it stayed there, as he started exploring the faces around him. I assumed he was keeping track of what that lady was saying. I was so wrong. He couldn’t have been listening; probably hearing voices, but not listening. I was so sure he wasn’t because that smile persisted. I refrained myself from frowning at him several times. I wished I could yell at him to STOP! Show some EMPATHY! Are you mentally there???? I’m happy that you’re so joyful, but can you PLEASE postpone showing that? How about having the heart to show some concern to the lady’s distress?!!

I noticed myself trying to exaggerate my empathetic facial expression, and even shaking my head in disapproval of her sad circumstances as she kept talking about her misery. I was trying to counteract that smile in any appropriate means possible.

The interview came to an end after a series of questions from the audience. That smile would always compete and win over a very brief enforced grim. As everybody started leaving, I wanted to do something, draw his attention, remind him that empathy is one tool he lacks for successful therapy; but he left before I could take action. Did I stop there? No, I expressed my concerns to the main interviewer & hoped the latter liaises my message to “smiley face”. I bet he will hate me for the rest of my life, but I just couldn’t be inactive.

What does it take to show some empathy? Veeeery little effort. How would it feel to you if you were put in the others’ shoes? You can’t undo that past, so what would you do now if you were that person, and held all that person’s values? Just reflecting the same concerns, in many instances, would constitute 50% of therapy. A fact many would miss....

Update: I ran across “Smiley face” two times before my second session; and in both times he had that smile on his face. This made me realize that, indeed, he just had a cheerful character. At the beginning of my second session, I saw his colleagues (among which was the main interviewer I talked to earlier); and asked whether my message was delivered. Their reply was “yes”, but time didn’t allow further discussion.

Again, “Smiley face” came in wearing that wide smile, and the session started. He sat next to where I was, and I expected to smell some hatred or negativity towards me, but I didn’t. Towards the end of the session, I opened up again and shared my genuine concern regarding his attitude towards those distressed patients. I just wanted to assure that I was not criticizing. Amazingly, he kept smiling. I reasoned that in such a profession, empathy wanes gradually as therapists become sensitized while encountering an increasingly greater number of distressed cases.

What did I conclude then? I warned myself not to lose sight of the uniqueness of each suffering case. I also predicted that life just cannot beat “Smiley face”. He simply cannot help his overwhelming positive attitude. But would he succeed as a psychiatrist? I doubt he would ever choose to end up along that path. As a physician, he’d be brilliant at any other specialty requiring great guts. One that cannot breed intimidation no matter how high the risks were….