Go Ahead, Blame it on “NO Time”

How often do you hear people saying “I don’t have the time to do this or that…”. If we scrutinize the idea of lacking the time, more often than not, it’s just tossing around an excuse to escape doing something. In reality, we are not MOTIVATED enough to make the time for it. We inadvertently scan the significance of our actions as we decide if something is worth attending to, or not. What’s the alternative? How important is it? Is it a priority? Is it my sole responsibility? What’s the yield for me? Can someone else do this instead? We are in a race against time and it’s enough that much of it gets devoured by external forces. We are taunted and goaded into action by duties and obligations, so we’d rather be very selective in spending whatever time is left for us (rightly so); thus, relegate many things to the periphery of “no time to deal with it.”

The main concern arises when we succumb to habitual patterns of not doing, and blame it on lacking the time. Take for instance the infamous argument of not having the time to exercise (hear it all the time, right?). How come those who have a serious ailment, and were advised that the best way out is to incorporate exercise in their routines, would miraculously fit it into their crowded schedules? They’d get up earlier in the morning, expend the extra effort after working hours, or even interrupt their day for a jog here or there. Look at how productive those working mothers are when compared to home-stay moms. They effectively manage their time and efficiently deploy their energies to make all ends meet. Aren’t you amazed by those who multi-task and are constantly fired up to self-improve? They jump from one thing to another, planning ahead, setting goals, and are in a relentless battle against inertia.

What makes those people different is their ability to CREATE the time even if it meant doing nothing more than recharging their batteries. They are more focused on what they want, make conscious choices, and are experts at time management. In the end, what we carry out expresses either our obligation or motivation. We can blame in-action on lacking the time, but the truth is we have ample time. Twenty four hours at our disposal; the week is abundant with another 168 hours; we can stretch it out further to count the hours per month, months, and even years. Go ahead, fool all others, sugar-coat the truth and beat around the bush, but at least let’s be frank with ourselves: Doing is an active choice. "It’s not about not having the time to do this or that; it’s about not being motivated enough to make the time to do this or that…” ~ 3Ds.

Do You Want FOCUS? Try The "Mini Hulk” Exercise!

It has been said that around 65,000 thoughts cross our minds daily. It is no wonder, then, that we find many ideas wondering about in our psyche each calling for attention. Some of these seep into conscious awareness and succeed in being recognized; others just creep up to the surface and then retreat unnoticed. Normally you wouldn’t mind it, but if you’re pressed with time to have a specific mental task done, you find that the more you toss away irrelevant thoughts, the more they forcefully fly back. What needs to take an hour, is now consuming two. You can’t concentrate and that gets you more inundated. You may have too many things on your plate and there’s no running away from multi-tasking. You keep thinking of the next things you need to be doing, but you still haven’t finished what you’re working on. Whether you’re down the wire, or not, it is total absorption in an endeavor that differentiates those who are efficient from those who are not. They have insurmountable “focus”; always at the heart of what they do. So how can stop this mental chatter?

Here is an exercise I offer my students to help them through the drudgery of studying for multiple exams. You can use it for any other time consuming project that necessitates you to be both fast yet efficient in your mental capacities. The exercise takes you about 8 to 10 minutes, but it could save you hours of inefficiency. I use the analogy of the well proclaimed “Incredible Hulk” hero. You might have read about him in the comic magazines, or seen the movie. It’s about this scientist who upon trying to experiment accidentally becomes subject to radiation. Eventually, whenever his body is highly aroused, he gradually transforms into a green hulk with omnipotent physical powers. You need to have such mental invincible powers that render you all-too focused. No distractions; only full mastery and time efficiency. Why not make time to play a bit before the hard work? Let’s start:

Sit in your work area and start visualizing that you are about to deploy and attract the entire world’s energy through the top of your head. That’s right…take it easy…. Focus… It’s all coming to you from different directions….pouring…. filling you up with green energy….That’s it…. You’re filling up from your toes, going up your legs, knees, thighs, up to your abdomen, chest, and spreading to your arms, hands, shoulders, neck, and up to your face. Your color has changed into green radiating energy and now you start transforming slowly…Each part of your body is growing and specifically your mind has doubled in size. It became immune to any noise’ and hears only the sound of your firm voice speaking affirmatively. Things like:
- I will start now on this task and will stop only when I consciously decide to.
- I have total focus on this and will be wading my way through with utmost energy.
- I have put away all distractions (my mobile, my computer, turned off the landline phone, etc…). So, my internal force is the guiding hub for action now.
- I will be doing a great job in having this done perfectly, in no time, and will have full mastery over this.

Tailor your self-talk to the specific task you’re handling and keep talking. Imagine further that you have shut the doors to any extraneous thoughts that do not serve what you’re working on. Are these doors locked? Look at you…..Now you are the “Mini Hulk” and you can have that full focus you need. You have gong-ho pace and kick-ass energy. Start working on what you set your mind on doing.

Take your time to do this mental exercise and then assess your focus. You’ll see the difference. You can also condition yourself to be in that state without taking those 8 – 10 minutes later on. In neuro-linguistic programming, it’s called “anchoring” yourself. That means, as you repeat the exercise a number of times, give yourself a pat on the shoulder at the end of each ritual (alternatively you can choose to say any word or statement you like; for instance I am a “Mini Hulk”). Simply associating that pat on the shoulder or that statement repeatedly at the end of the exercise would make a link in your mind. When you will it, and in no time at all, just give yourself that pat; and alone it would render you in that invincible state of focus without having to go through the process. It just needs some practice. Many of my students have implemented this exercise and reaped the benefits. Call it an investment. I call it a gift for all of you; would you turn it away?

“The Future Belongs to Those Who Ask!” ~ 3DS

I was invited by a colleague of mine to attend a negotiation seminar a few days ago. It was very inspiring, indeed, and validated many of the concepts I know and apply. The presentation touched on asking for discounts as we attempt o close some business deals. “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” the presenter announced. I agreed with that, but disagreed with asking for service discount. To me, that meant risking accepting less of what usually is offered (not too many people are conscientious, or are aware of the ramifications it has on their profession). With respect to displayed merchandise, the risks of getting less when you ask for a discount may be minimal, so go ahead ask for it. Demand it if you can (of course while paying attention to your tone). Take it at full price without asking, and you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. Those arguments made me reflect on the power of “asking” as determining much of our future life path.

Malcom X once said: “The future belongs to those who prepare for it today”. In a similar vein, Eleanor Roosevelt proposed: “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” In a congruent fashion, I believe that “the future belongs to those who ask!” I asked to join the psychotherapy training program, and was lucky to get in despite being way past the deadline. I was surfing the net for ICF accredited “Coaching” schools and encountered the International Coach Academy. They called me and provided me with all the information I needed. I enrolled; and my career path changed in both instances. The positive consequence of “asking” for things applies to many other life areas I take initiative in. I just ask, and the universe responds in amazing ways. Sometimes I “ask”, but I’m denied only to find out later that something better was arranged for me.

Hesitation to ask for something may have bases in the “fear of failure” (rejection can be a killer sometimes). “How can I courageously imply to that cute girl/guy that I like him/her? What if s/he said no?” That’s a dilemma many face. “How can I ask for that raise? Surely Management is working within a tight budget!” Truth is, don’t ask for it, and you stagnate. Would you want to wait (maybe forever) until your number is called out? Your chances are inevitably 50-50 to get it or not; despite your apparent strong belief (100%) you won’t get it. You don’t have all the “givens”. You have to be clairvoyant to forcefully say you know it all, don’t you? Alternatively, hesitation may have bases in the “fear of success”. You’d reason: “Me, with that cute guy/girl!” (Good God! a relationship would be too overwhelming), or “Me, with a better salary, or finally granted that promotion!” (I could be envied, or it could be too much to handle). This is when some self-sabotage to remain in their habitual comfort zone. Success seemingly carries with it an extra toll. Many would worry about change; it’s too much of an effort!

It probably is a known fact, by now, that any type of fear can be overcome only if faced. And if you still have doubt about what could happen IF so and so took place, ask yourself: so what? What could it mean? We tend to take things too seriously, so lighten up a bit. Talk about your concerns loud enough by taking the worst extreme scenario. Is it the end of the world? Can I try something different if this or that didn’t work out? Surely, choices are plenty if only we look hard enough. Again, and quoting my inspirational presenter “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” You ask, and it’s either a Yes, or a No. A “Yes” grants you what you want. A “No” needs to prompt you to ask again for something different. This is how you brighten up your future; this is how you leave your options wide open; this is why I believe: “The future belongs to those who ask!”

The Multifold Power of Giving

How many times do you bend backwards attempting to do someone else a favor only it does not get reciprocated when you are the one in need? Does it happen often enough to discourage you from being a giving person? You wonder: This is not in line with the “norm of reciprocity” (i.e. the social expectation that people respond to each other in kind)? Consider this: the expectation that you receive back from the same person may be the norm, but never the rule. You will receive back in return; albeit, from multiple other sources. Don’t be reluctant to keep giving as you are bestowed at least ten fold. How is that possible, you ask?

1. Giving feels good. You have been a positive impact. You took part in someone else’s life. In return, you reap a positive psychological reward (i.e. I am useful). Caution: buffer your disappointment by not expecting a repayment in kind. Do it for the sake of getting that “helper’s high”.

2. Giving enhances your physical health. When you feel good psychologically, it feeds into your physiology. It is a known fact that psychological and physical states are interrelated.

3. Giving others can offset being totally self-absorbed. That is very applicable in times of distress or even success. It is a distracter from over-indulgence in one’s own misery on one hand; and a source of redirecting the overflow of positive emotions to others in need on the other hand. Why hoard the pleasure of accomplishment to ones’ self? Share it.

4. Giving fosters a sense of abundance. You are wealthy if you are able to provide and give. Have the conviction that your reservoir will not dry. Hey! “There’s more where that came from”.

5. Giving shapes your life with meaning. Yes, you are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Giving is life enriching.

6. Giving satisfies the need for social connections. We all have this need to connect with others; and sometimes those interactions are not so satisfactory. How about turning things round when that’s the case? Make your relationships and interactions beneficial one way or another?

7. Giving makes you nicely remembered. We are not going to live forever (and that’s another fact). Ask yourself: How would I like to be remembered? Wouldn’t it be nice to leave positive prints behind?

8. Giving can trigger a multitude of positive thoughts about yourself. Again, as long as you’re not expecting anything in return, your thoughts will rotate around those positive attributes you possess. You are charming in so many other ways.

9. Giving entails superiority. You have the upper hand. It is your wish and will to do the things you do. Think of it as your choice; no one coerced you into doing anything.

10. Giving characterizes those who are self-actualized (i.e. those who have reached their utmost psychological development like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and Albert Einstein). Self-actualized people are only motivated by personal responsibilities and ethics; and not by what they receive in return.

So, you see, giving spirals up into a great deal of life and self-satisfaction. I can think of many other alluring reasons for giving, but the above suffice to endorse it as a life philosophy. I am in awe when I hear of those who stretch their giving to that of self-transcendence. They give others because it makes them more fulfilled; they transcend the egocentric focus. They are so lucky to be there. Others give so much, but that has its bases in their “inability to say NO”. Giving becomes distressing, so one has to really consider if negative emotions surface. For me, I keep few things in mind as I adopt a giving attitude: it’s about being a positive influence. It is about the value it adds to my own personal growth and progress. I am able, then, to give back at least double what I receive…..

Dealing with the “Culture of Time Neglect”

The other day, my daughter accused me of being the most impatient person she had ever known. I laughed, but later on contemplated her remark. There’s a kernel of truth in what she said. On several occasions, we’d be out together to get things done. We’d take appointments for different services, and when we end up having to wait, what seemed endlessly, I get up and excuse ourselves to leave. She would be so surprised and embarrassed, but to me, the idea of an appointment needs to serve both parties well. And yes, maybe I am impatient to wait too long past my allotted schedule, but patience is relative to my agenda. At times, I could be very tolerant (e.g. my personal goals), but I don’t appreciate others stealing my time. I would rather offer it willingly rather than be coerced into the “culture of time neglect”.

Yes, we are living in a culture where only a few are time efficient, wise, or are respectful of others’ time. I find myself organizing my life in a structured and systemic way to meet my daily targets. Being time lax has been woven into the fabric of my society. The trend observed is that of “Les homes chic sont toujours en retarde” (excuse my French). Arriving in late to social gathering became deliberate to reflect an image of being in high demand. I am not denying that sometimes we can truly be held back by emerging circumstances, but to adopt it as a life-style irritates me. Sadly, lateness is stretching to various professions and services to reflect some prestige. From repairmen, to bank clerks, to doctors, I feel constantly bombarded with messages that providing the service can wait; they are very busy people; I will have to wait. The truth is: I am as busy (if not more) and time is a precious scarce resource. My conception of time resonates so much with the words of Harvey Mc Kay “Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back”.

I can’t help but feel incongruent with those who take my time so lightly. But what can I do? Such mentality is all over the place. I take a firm standing when I can; yet, it’s beyond my capacity to change the whole world. Whenever the situation permits, at least I make a point and reproach that my time is not being respected. Until things change (and they will), I find myself trying to fit in or accommodate to the culture of time neglect. I can’t always retaliate, so I tolerate by being mentally and physically prepared for the “expected wait”. I became always equipped with a contingency plan for labile scheduling. My purse always includes a planner with ample free pages to scribble on; and a small sized interesting book to read in when there’s no way out but to comply and hang in there. I can say mantra, or engage in my deep breathing exercise. I reassume control by choosing to soothe myself that even that time waiting is still mine. I can spend it by being frustrated, or decide to use it as wisely and productively as I can :)

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that” (Baltasar Gracian).

Make Me Feel Important!!

“Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ''Make me feel important.'' Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life" (Mary Kay Ash). What a life philosophy to adopt! Indeed, as a customer, you would like to feel important, so would you as a family member, a student, a hard working employee, and even as someone providing an ordinary service. It feels so good to be noticed and valued. Wouldn’t it hurt YOU if you felt ignored or neglected? Wouldn’t YOU feel blessed to be noticed and appreciated? You can be the most confident human on earth; you can be the most self-sufficient and independent person in the world; but, still, there’s always room for external appreciation that needs to be occasionally filled.

It would be a mistake to assume that others are OK without your acknowledgement. In many instances, people resort to psychotherapy or coaching just to create the space to feel important. Let’s not wait for this to happen. Go out there and make others feel important no matter what their social status is. You’ll make their day a better day; and consequently yours. You will feel important because you made a difference. It comes back ten fold. It really is so rewarding. Go ahead, try for yourself and notice how it will make you feel.

Choosing to Moving Forward (3) – Accepting Versus Resisting

Is in it so uplifting when you set your mind to moving forward on specific personal areas and actually succeed? You pick up the habit of exercising; you find your soul mate; or move into that more spacious apartment you’ve always dreamed of. What a joy it is to effect some positive change! Sometimes, however, change or the move forward may apparently seem impossible or impractical. You try different ways to make things change, but nothing seems to work. You find yourself in a difficult life situation and become even more frustrated by locked doors as you seek your way out. It must be real hard on you to persist despite unsuccessful attempts. Do you keep trying, or do you surrender disappointed into a depressed state?

Neither of these two options is a healthy coping mechanism. Both entail resistance though both vary in the “how”. Even depression is anger turned inward. You might still be resisting the idea and shaming yourself for your inability to deal with a pressing need. When things seem so bleak, accepting the difficult to change becomes the wiser mental attitude. It has been said: “What can’t be cured must be endured.” Resistance entails spending a lot of energy at what you’d like changed (even if you just whined, or became depressed about it). That energy is better off being channeled in other directions leading you forward. So, in the end, we still have a choice in responding.

For instance, you have major disagreements around specific ideologies with your parents, siblings or spouse. You might be tempted to change their attitudes. You argue, you shout, you give them the silent treatment, or you try to force your own stance. All these attempts may deplete your energy reservoir until you feel drained. Accept their attitudes as just being different; then let go. You can still share fundamental other beliefs that bind you together.

In a similar vein, you might have conflicting characters with close others you deal with; do you try to change theirs at no avail? Do you keep trying? Maybe it’s just wiser if you worked on changing yourself, or the way you look at things. I am not saying that you mimic others to fit in; just spend that energy educating yourself with what you need to know to handle these differences better. Again, accepting others for who they are, as opposed to resisting the differences, can save you a great toll. The more you refuse to give in, the more you get frustrated, so choose your battles by examining the costs they entail. Move in a different direction.

I can relate the idea to instances of fighting too hard when you experience injustice in some life situations. You get bluffed (ridiculous, but could happen at any point in ones’ life :) ); do you attempt revenge? Do you take others to court? STOP! Would you consider forgiving? Yeah! Go for it! Save yourself the inner turmoil and the external hassle. So much has been said about forgiveness. Learn your lesson and re-direct your energy to areas that can make you feel good. Don’t stay stuck in trying to save face at that mishap. Get your chin high somewhere else. ‘Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why not focus on moving forward in other directions. It just might be the better way out!

Choosing to Move Forward (2) - Few Tips

I received some insightful feedback on my earlier post on ‘’Choosing to move forward” and this enthused me to elaborate more and offer some helpful tips around the topic. I previously discussed the disparity between two groups of people. The first choose to move forward on the job and the second surrender to their frustrations into an emotional tail-spin. Clear self-knowledge providing the stage for a future vision can be the critical factor differentiating those who are more active in seeking the change.

There’s a saying that “Goals are dreams with a deadline”. So, if you find yourself having to tolerate dissatisfaction; and lack the ability to induce change, pose there and ask yourself: What is the ideal job for me? And where am I now? If the gap between your ideal job and your current status is huge, then it’s a call for action. Here are few tips to make you invoke a process of an “AHA!!” moment and work on a dream to come true. These rely on my personal experience, prior research, and extensive observations:

1. Ask yourself “what am I so passionate about? What are you talented at?” Decipher what makes you tick. Think of your role model. Observe how h/she acts? If you have an answer, skip to tip number 5.
2. If you have no clue what your passions are, then explore your options. A quick reflection on the most fulfilling activities you engage in can provide you with a clue.
3. Still stuck? Nothing seems to be appealing? Put yourself out there and try new things. Be really open to cease any opportunity that comes your way. You can’t know if it’s a potential passion if you don’t try.
4. Still can’t find it? (Boy!! There might be an underlying depression lurking in the background . No seriously, investigate if you do by seeking psychotherapy). If not, your character needs to fit somewhere; try to explore further what could be the best fit. Keep trying.
5. When you identify your passion, dream on. What would your ideal “you” be doing on the job driven by such passion? Include all the details possible. Engage all your senses. Vivify that dream (i.e. make it alive).
6. Consider the actions needed to make that dream happen. Make a list of the different possible options. Have a plan.
7. Commit to taking actions a step at a time. If you’re the type who procrastinates, share your vision with someone who would hold you accountable (e.g. a friend you can trust, or a coach if you can afford it ).
8. Take the actions necessary to move forward. When one thing doesn’t work, try another. No disappointment can be coined as a failure; it’s only feedback that some other strategy can work better.
9. Assess and revise your plan as you proceed. Plans may evolve and branch out the more you give them good thought.
10. Be persistent. It’s very easy to become discouraged when all attempts do not come to fruition, so keep that dream alive. Enjoy the process of learning while keeping an eye on the destination. It’s just another adventure.

Alas, no one is affected enough about your frustration more than you are. No one will care enough more than you do. Spare others, on the receiving end, the toll of your whining and complaints. You wouldn’t want your nagging to drive others away from you. From what I know, we are more drawn to others who are cheerful. If the situation permits, you can always share with close ones your attempts to move forward despite the dispiriting results. In such conversations, you might, as well, be offered new insights about different alternatives that could work. You can be the maestro of your of your life if you choose to. The sound of music heard relies heavily on you, so create your own life. Make your own symphony. Have a dream….

Note: Stay tuned to my next post on moving forward on the personal level (even if all prospects appeared dim).

Choosing to Move Forward (1)

The other day, as I waited to meet a friend at my mostly frequented coffee shop, I had an interesting brief conversation with the waiter on duty. He just opened up to brief me on his latest news. “I applied to this famous hotel chain and am hopefully quitting this place” he said. He then continued to list his frustration with his current job and how there was no room for promotion there. At the age of 38, he found himself needing to advance forward instead of being stuck in the same monotonous job. He presented more reasons that moved him into taking action towards change. He had a vision of a better fit to his aspirations and I thought that “Wow!! This is a really healthy sign of thriving on the profession”.

I compared that waiter to a friend of mine who excessively whines of monotony at the work place; yet, does not do anything to change or add flavor to what she does. Despite my constant attempts at directing her towards exploring the options there, she would be very resistant to suggestions of all sorts. She might be too afraid to trying something new, or move out of her comfort zone. There must be something appealing in her current employment, but she surely wouldn’t openly recognize it, or look for it. She was oblivious to her power of making choices to effect some change.

Such varied responses between frustrated people on the job prevail to varying extents. Some of us choose to deal with the problem and are proactive to move forward; others choose the easier path of whining that they have a problem. It’s as if things could change to the better by a magical intervention, but would they? Could we hope for remedy if we do not solicit it, or even take action towards it? The choice to progress needs to stem from a burning and motivating desire to grow. No one can instill it for someone else. Surely others can nourish it along the way, but it has to be already there. Do you have a vision of the best self you want to be? If so, my guess is that you’re on the path of moving forward…..

Actions Breed Results

I usually spend a considerable amount of time over the internet: from checking my email, to Blogging, to visiting multiple social media sites, to browsing the net for information, to joining ICA classes through Skype, or even conducting my coaching sessions. For the past few weeks, I have been receiving mostly forwarded messages on my email. Nothing special, or personal. It then occurred to me that it was only a result of my in-action in networking. I was on a very long vacation with minimal time spent in most of these domains. I did not send so many personal messages and this led to receiving very few in return. It made me ponder about the influence of our efforts and actions on any results we accrue.

I observe the trend in myself, and in those all around me. When I want something, I have to work on getting it. Just thinking about it won’t serve the purpose. I can talk about a dream for ever, but if I don’t do anything about it, it won’t be delivered on a golden plate. I must disagree, here, with Rhonda Byron’s propositions in her wide known book “The Secret”. According to the law of attraction, she suggests, it’s enough to keep focused on a goal or dream. Think hard and the universe will send it to you she claims. I find that really hard to believe. Where is your conscious role in all of this? Where is your action to get it? The law of attraction serves you well only if you take some steps in that direction. Combined with the power of positive expectations and beliefs, our actions are the bases moving us closer to our aspirations.

I call a friend, I don’t find him/her, s/he calls back (most likely). I go out, interact with people, and I have abundant material to write about. I exercise daily, and I feel my energy levels boost up. I post a comment on my favorite author’s Blog (Robin Sharma), and he replies back (Yay)! I procrastinate doing nothing really important during the day, and sure enough I’ll have less and less things going on for me. Sometimes, such a state is much needed. A time to “reboot” serves us well. If prolonged, however, it gets in our way of moving forward. Sometimes we get stuck in initiating actions. We delay, come up with excuses, or become too anxious about failing. But how can we be certain about the results if we don’t give things our best shot?

It has been said that: “It’s better to have tried and failed, than never have tried at all.” Keeping things in motion yield either of 3 results:
1. Successful attempts feeding positively into our emotional states.
2. No tangible results that, lo and behold, will be precipitate to becoming concrete in time. These can succumb in frustration; hence, we need to energize ourselves to persist and keep determined.
3. Negative feedback (as not to say failure) that our actions need some redirection or change. This yields to distressed emotions that again need to be addressed, controlled, and reversed.

In all three instances, the dynamic nature of behaving breeds results that can be used or changed to serve our best interest. There is no point in a “cease fire” if the rules of the game are not altered. I consider each and every one of us a “fighter” under his/her own command. No one else has to lead us into the throes of uncertainty. Within every situation a specific translation is embedded; and it is up to us to make the best of it by keeping things in motion. Let action drive us to results. It is the latter that give our life meaning and purpose. It is those results that feed into the cycle of growth and progress…..

Fake it Till You Make it

I feel a connection with the universe when sometimes incidents with analogous content take place in a row. It’s like I’m being sent messages that I cannot ignore. Here is another account of yet another lesson learned. I woke up in a cranky mood this morning (yes….. I am human and do have my ups & down). I felt overwhelmed by having so many endless obligations and responsibilities. I just came back from my yearly vacation with the family and things needing my intervention were piling up like mountains: so many errands, too little time. I started off by writing my usual list of “things to do” and another of things to get from the supermarket. And my day began …..

It was a long wait at the hairdresser and for the first time I forgot to grab along my book to read. I felt strange not being able to use my time wisely by reading while I waited. Turning to the available magazines there did not satisfy my taste. I decided to do something about my mood, so I reciprocated the young employees’ nice attempts in initiating conversations by being more focused and humorous. We ended up with more prolonged chats than my usual practice to kill time. When another lady customer walked into the place, I was surprised to hear one of those young men groan: “Oh no, not her again!” I asked why he said that and his reply was that she never smiles; she’s not like you he added. Indeed for one hour I observed her while I interacted laughingly with those employees. Her face was endlessly grim as if her introspections revealed only contemplations over misery. I wasn’t in my best of mood, but I faked it until it gradually kicked in. Why let those around me sense my concerns when it was me invading their space?

As I continued running my errands, I persisted with enforcing a good mood on myself. It didn’t take me a lot of effort. It just started coming out naturally. At the supermarket, I was conversing with the butcher and requesting my stuff in a respectful and cheerful manner. He would reciprocate by being as kind and merry. Our gentle interactions were interrupted by another lady who barged in and started bossing around that man with a flat look on her face. She wasn’t requesting her needs; she was rather ordering and demanding. The butcher waited until she was distracted and asked: “I wonder what people lose by not smiling at others?” He’s absolutely right to note that. He added that he appreciates my smiling face and noted that it well decorated my beautiful face (blush :)). I compared how he continued interacting with both of us and I surely felt preferred to deal with and support with the service needed.

I know we all carry a heavy burden of responsibilities and worries. People we interact with are not mind-readers. They automatically form judgments and impressions. We can experience all sorts of reservations and no one has to neither know nor deduce. Specifically, I point to those employees we interact with briefly for services. They are humans with mostly monotonous and boring jobs. Our emotions seep into their laps and in turn are reproduced into the services they offer. True, my mood was cranky that morning, but being eager to suppress it and reverse it did yield in positive feedback from those around me. I was lucky to encounter others with similar attitudes. Those young employees at the hairdresser do have their own baggage of concerns, so did that butcher. Faking a good mood became contagious, was positively reinforced, and gradually set in. I returned home really satisfied with having accomplished my “to do lists” for that day. But above all, and despite the fact I had more responsibilities to take care of the next morning, I knew that I can make it a day even better for me & for others….

Thriving; Not Just Surviving

Let me tell you an incident that led to writing this post. I came across a comment by an “Anonymous” on my previous Blog post (Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional). Since I was just reading (no other clues like tone of voice, or body language to convey additional information), it just occurred to me that “Anonymous” was being sarcastic: posing questions and challenging me to expand on a topic I consider sensitive to many. I published the comment anyway without feeling threatened. It was my choice to expand on my personal experiences and I refused to expose a lot about me (at that time). “Anonymous” responded again clarifying and ensuring me (without offense) that my style was appreciated, but people needed to hear about my own personal stuff to enhance my credibility.

Hmmmm! It made me think. It makes sense. I don’t have to reveal everything (some things are better left unsaid). I can be selective and transform my writing from just preaching to having it more grounded in experience. What I was doing was addressing the bigger picture. I can certainly spice things up by inserting more personal issues. It probably was a misconception to remain as mysterious or as objective as I was. I love it when my mentors provide me with anecdotes about their own unique life. I try to do the same with my students as we discuss down-to-earth psychological concepts. Why not do the same here on my Blog (although I’m just trying to jot down my thoughts; not trying to be a mentor to anyone yet)?

This brings me to the thought of “Thriving; not just Surviving”. I didn’t let that comment just reside in my “inbox” to be deleted later on without thought. Had I done that, it would ensure mere status quo and sheer survival. I thought more about the purposes it could serve. What can I learn from this?” Ok, I can deduce many downbeat scenarios (sarcasm, envy, immaturity, etc…), or I can search for opportunities to thrive (improve, seek a new root, attempt to modify, etc…). Let me try this new recommended strategy. There must be some truth in it somehow.
What have I to lose? If it does not work, I can always shift back to a newer strategy, or return to my former style. I will be undergoing constant metamorphosis - which I love. It is one of the most remarkable phenomena ever. It is a transition from surviving to thriving. It is flexibility that yields outstanding outcomes.

That was a personal experience! How’s that “Anonymous”? Ok, can’t do without some “preaching” time :) (it takes awhile to conclude metamorphosis): Learning is an essential component of our lives. Some of us are content with simple adaptation, and with pure physical and psychological survival. There is a difference, however, between remaining in a “comfort zone” and seeking constant upgrades. Small incidents abound in our daily lives. These can sometimes pass without our full awareness to the embedded message each carries. Even minute encounters can educate us in powerful ways if only we are fully present. Unless one has reached his/her full potentials and is known to have reached perfection, there is no need to seek further learning opportunities. Up to my knowledge, and to date, no such individual exists….

From Seriousness & Sadness to Humor & Joy

Don’t you envy those people who always have a cheerful attitude towards life? I, myself, love people with a sense of humor. They attract me like magnet. They make me seek their company more often. Nothing seems to be a big deal even the most serious goals they work on. They derive joy in every little thing they do. They feed humor into all their actions. Life to them just seems as a long funny comedy episode. They are the 'happy go lucky type'.

I commend their approach to life. I once heard a quote that said: “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway”. Very true, I believe. No matter how hard we try, in the end, we all share the same destiny. What makes us different is that some of us choose to focus on enjoying the ride while going to any destination. While others, fuss and complain at even the most trivial matters. A flat tire along the way, for instance. Big deal! Just have it fixed and move forward. Ultimately you’ll be there, only having made use of a more durable new tire supporting your journey. Even if matters go out of hand for a while; what would it serve us to get all mad about change of plans? Aren’t we better off with some unpredictability?

It’s all about holding the right attitude towards everything. Go out there and make your day a happy one. It’s all in your hands. A smile is contagious; so is laughter (even if no reasons exist). Derive joy in even the simplest things you do. You can always find some if you just reflect a bit about where it lies. It’s sad that we, as humans, are so special intellectually from other beings, yet, we are stuck with taking cognitive shortcuts; so habituated to not fully appreciating each moment we live.

Let’s shift our serious perspective about things. Notice the difference in your facial expressions when you do that. I am not saying that you are to negate your feelings when things go wrong. We can never be happy in times of loss; be it of people we love, or failures. Nor can we derive joy in such circumstances. It’s just that maybe it is better idea to take only some short time to grief that loss and not let it extend on and on. Process it for a while; and then look for the meaning of that experience and the lesson learned. There are hidden joys everywhere. I’ve seen people’s lives get transformed after loosing someone dear. They become full of gratitude for other things they still have.

So, whenever you feel that you haven’t smiled or felt happy during your day, start doing something about it. Instead of being so serious while going to work, running in errands, or actually doing your work, think happy. Wipe off that serious look and those sad thoughts. It won’t take long before we eternally become expressionless. Even if you’re not happy, just thinking happy thoughts will transform your mood. You are what you think. Does it take a genius then to conclude that we choose to make our lives full of delight or misery?