The Omnipotence of Self-talk

As you read these lines, don’t you hear your own voice in a whisper like tone echoing behind your eyeballs? Most probably you do; and it is not deliberate. You’re always engaged in self-talk and despite this being a characteristic of your mental chatter, you seldom monitor it or pay attention to. This is the way you think. That voice creates your inner idiosyncratic world; so private no one knows what’s going on in there.

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU READ THESE LINES NOW?? WITH ALL THE LETTERS WRITTEN IN CAPITALS?? DID THE TONE OF THAT VOICE INCREASE IN VOLUME SOMEHOW? I bet it did. The tone of your self-talk changes volume all the time. Similarly, the type of language you use varies. Like it or not, your mind is constantly buzzing with thoughts and ideas. Your internal dialogue is quite a phenomenon of the mind; however, it is a double edged sword. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It steers your emotions and is the commander in chief of your behavior. Let me elaborate.

Think for a moment about a time when you did a grave mistake. Did you drone in endless self-reprimand? Did your self-talk resemble barking orders at yourself like an angry mother whose child had just dreadfully misbehaved? What sort of language did you use? How did that make you feel? Guilty as hell, right? Words like “Shame on you” and other inflammatory accusations could ignite a sense of being a failure. Invective language can swallow your self-esteem. How can you later be confident in anything you do? This activates a cycle of hesitation and inadequacy in dealing with the new.

Now, can you recall a time when you applauded yourself on a job well done? You probably used affirmative language recounted in the sweetest cheerful, even, sexiest tone ever. Your positive self-talk compounded your feelings of triumph till you were full to the brim. This process may have sent waves of euphoria to the rest of your body till you were ecstatically numb. And what a feeling! What a state to experience! It gives you an impetus towards further action. Now you’re full of yourself; more confident in doing the right things.

These are but few examples to demonstrate the influence of your inner voice on your feelings. Your emotions are so tied up to your self-talk; and consequently so are your actions. You not only engage in external battles with opponents or situations; you top it up by internal mental battles between thoughts that may sway you in disperse directions. There’s a dialogue running in your head constantly and it ranges from minor assessments of what you or others do, to making all sorts of decisions. You internally speak the ideas roaming in your head. You tell yourself what to do or how to do it. Your internal dialogue can focus your attention narrowly or makes you open to a world of new possibilities. It can cripple you dead, or serve you well.

Your self-talk makes you an almighty human being. Change your inner dialogue when you’re feeling down and your mood changes. To err is human, but you don’t need to keep whipping yourself for something past and done. “Note taken, I’ll learn from it” and then move on….. If you aspired to keep empowering yourself, you need to be a master of your thoughts. Change your language and be gentle with yourselves before your self-criticism escalates into self-destruction. And when negative self-talk seeps in, refuse to empower it by denying it further energy. Stop, and change that detrimental chitchat.

If you hadn’t before, start paying attention to that inner voice of yours. Befriend it and use it as a tool to appease you, guide you, and pull you towards progress. After all, self-hypnosis lies squarely on such self-talk. It’s what you want to become that you tell yourself. It’s the new “to be created you” that you converse about. And you don’t have to be hypnotizing yourself to change your inner language to affirmative statements. Just practice positive self-talk until it becomes an iron-clad ritual that works for you: not against you.

Nourishing the Poet in Me

The old adage is true: “Whatever you focus on expands…” You keep thinking in negative terms and these surely become beefier and compound. You put the spotlight on one direction and it’s a sure way to discover the multi-paths to be there. A lot has been said about the effects of what you feed your mind with as steering your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I experience this all the time and have countless examples.

This philosophy is particularly interesting to me now as I found myself putting my “poet hat” on after reading some poetry lately. A precious friend of mine gave me a book of poems he authored some time back. I became engrossed and totally relished in reading each piece. I re-lived his moments of both joy and despair. That book - a simple gesture - flooded my mind with a whole barrage of whammed emotions and ideas. They stirred up a long forgotten poet residing in me. It was as if someone has pressed my “hot button” on. That book was a “sign”; and doesn’t the universe keep sending a myriad of these all the time!

I regressed back in seasons when I used to express myself in poems. How can the seeds not sprout this time? They were being re-fertilized and nourished. My mind was fed with super sensitivity, proper articulation, lots of metaphors, and with musical rhymes. I was compelled to express myself as he did (probably not as well, but it’s a good re-start). I am sharing a piece I wrote here as (maybe) part of the “forward” of my book - in progress - on “Coping with Realities”. I thank my friend for feeding my mind with things I have a potential for. I hope one day I similarly nourish the mind of my readers with means to better remain in control of their lives.

Here it goes:

Life is so fascinating, so I thought when I was a child
Orchestrated around love, play, wonders, dreams and delight
Then, with time, things changed and complexity piled
I became all too cynical bewildered and resisting in plight

Told myself, don’t take flight, young lady, stand up right
There is more to it… at the end of the tunnel, there is light
You’ll comprehend how it goes one day, I promised
But gray areas were everywhere, there were no black or white

Till now, most apparent truths seem far from real
Life throws many ordeals that perplexity incite
Growth of wisdom and strength these conceal
It keeps getting better and better, at each I recite

As a child, little I understood about life’s technicalities
Days pass by, each bringing new thought provoking insight
Grew up to cope and deal with hard earned realities
As an adult, today, about these I am passionate to write

Life is not meant to be fathomed by the best trained mind
My innocent hunch way younger, now I see just as right
Keep looking for the bright side and overcome being blind
It’s all about turning gold whatever you encounter at first sight


For me, that’s not a bad start. And who knows maybe that was just the beginning of yet another ride? :)

Enjoy the Price Tag of Success: Keep Raising The Bar

“Success”…. Big word …. It can connote minor achievements like eliminating a bad habit, finding the right career, or even working out a good relationship to victory or recognition in a broader sense. It is true success can be a twist of fate sometimes, but mostly it characterizes the hardy ones. Those who plan, persist, take action, are focused, and constantly revise and ameliorate their strategies. It is a culmination of passion to what is being done. It typifies those who are determined to run the extra mile; those who endure the hardship and surpass the challenges. They resist being sidelined and refuse to live on the margins. They’re out there on a mission; determined to make a difference. And when they do claw their way to the top, it feels so good, but could it come at no repercussions? Probably not…..

You see, there’s a high price for success (a downside) despite its entire lure. To make it, the hard work entails incurring a physical tax and some psychological drainage. This is one reason why many would want to “play it safe” and not engage in the battle. Let’s consider those who become really noticed (i.e. prominent figures in their field, celebrities, etc…). They eventually become a smoking hot topic in circulation. They are either admired (by the mature), or resented (by the jealous). The latter category represents an additional toll. Successful people raise the bar; hence, become easy targets of envy, attacks, and undermining. If others are unable/don’t want to catch up with similar standards, they downplay the successful achievement by ignoring, searching for pitfalls and flaws, or vilifying. Those are considered the typical “kill-joy”.

Does that mean you give up attempts to thrive (even at minor matters)? Avoid all these costs? “To fly we have to have resistance” Maya Lin once said. Expect the “price tag” and along the way, take care not fall off the cliff edge. Keep in mind 3 detrimental expenses that can befall the unwary heading the path of great accomplishments: your relationships, your health, and your sanity:

- Your relationships: Embrace those who admire you and don’t drift by deceit or arrogance. They look up to you as a leading example. Deal with those who envy you. Either ignore them as the nuisances coming with the new package, or team them up on your side. You can transform the battle from being combative to more cooperative strata.

- Your health: Monitor your physical health routinely (take time to refuel). Too much hard work and focus can make you lose sight of bodily symptoms warnings. You need to intermittently fan the flames of your passion; and this only works if you’re physically fit to endure the battle. When signs of “strain” are not attended to, it can result in “burn-out”.

- Your sanity: Above all keep your sanity in check. Emotional exhaustion from leading the battle can bleed you dry. You feel you want to chisel your success in stone, but fear of losing the achievement can enslave you; and the constant attacks can get to you. Resist attempts at isolation to escape it all. Expect, analyze, and arm yourself with insight at how things go and how best to cope. Make time for enjoyable activities and ask for a laugh here or there.

Lastly, with the above in mind, you don’t need to stay standing at the edge of life just because there’s a price tag to succeeding. Re-interpret the price of success from “paying” or “enduring” to “enjoying” the ride. The attraction is still out there. It still brings you a lot of satisfaction and admiration by the mature type. You’re a role model, an inspiration and a leader with many followers. Hard work cannot seep unnoticed. Yes…. Be there…. Illicit a “WOW! I want to be like that!” Keep raising the bar. And remember: “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.” ~ David Brinkley. So, where do you want to make your mark?

The Perfect Escape

See that picture up there? This is where I am yearning to be. I usually don’t publish posts that I write during my weak moments. But I have few readers anyway:). To those I say: I am dreaming of this perfect escape. You see, I am human; and I perfectly understand that the good and the “not so good” people abound around. It’s expected…. Still, it bugs me to know that people try to take advantage whenever they can. Many would equate kindness with stupidity; and others would lie to my face as if I wouldn’t know. I can’t change these people though I do my best to draw the line. Many would persist and this frustrates me even more. I find myself dealing with others who are on a totally different wave-length.

I realize that there’s little I can I still do (I am assertive, but not aggressive). I can only change the way I feel about all this. This is why I need to plan the perfect escape. Somewhere I can reorganize my thoughts, feed my mind, and detoxify. That picture is the ideal place for me to be with myself (I could be very good company for myself you know). If that place is not accessible, I’ll settle for something similar (and I always get very close); and if that is equally not possible, I’ll dream it. In any case, I need some space. There it goes…. My thoughts out loud about the harsh truth…. No editing this time :)

Go Ahead, Blame it on “NO Time”

How often do you hear people saying “I don’t have the time to do this or that…”. If we scrutinize the idea of lacking the time, more often than not, it’s just tossing around an excuse to escape doing something. In reality, we are not MOTIVATED enough to make the time for it. We inadvertently scan the significance of our actions as we decide if something is worth attending to, or not. What’s the alternative? How important is it? Is it a priority? Is it my sole responsibility? What’s the yield for me? Can someone else do this instead? We are in a race against time and it’s enough that much of it gets devoured by external forces. We are taunted and goaded into action by duties and obligations, so we’d rather be very selective in spending whatever time is left for us (rightly so); thus, relegate many things to the periphery of “no time to deal with it.”

The main concern arises when we succumb to habitual patterns of not doing, and blame it on lacking the time. Take for instance the infamous argument of not having the time to exercise (hear it all the time, right?). How come those who have a serious ailment, and were advised that the best way out is to incorporate exercise in their routines, would miraculously fit it into their crowded schedules? They’d get up earlier in the morning, expend the extra effort after working hours, or even interrupt their day for a jog here or there. Look at how productive those working mothers are when compared to home-stay moms. They effectively manage their time and efficiently deploy their energies to make all ends meet. Aren’t you amazed by those who multi-task and are constantly fired up to self-improve? They jump from one thing to another, planning ahead, setting goals, and are in a relentless battle against inertia.

What makes those people different is their ability to CREATE the time even if it meant doing nothing more than recharging their batteries. They are more focused on what they want, make conscious choices, and are experts at time management. In the end, what we carry out expresses either our obligation or motivation. We can blame in-action on lacking the time, but the truth is we have ample time. Twenty four hours at our disposal; the week is abundant with another 168 hours; we can stretch it out further to count the hours per month, months, and even years. Go ahead, fool all others, sugar-coat the truth and beat around the bush, but at least let’s be frank with ourselves: Doing is an active choice. "It’s not about not having the time to do this or that; it’s about not being motivated enough to make the time to do this or that…” ~ 3Ds.

Stopping to Refuel!

I am currently running a three month Parental Coaching workshop that tackles various effective parenting skills to a group of mothers. The first session topic was devoted mainly to daily refueling (of course coupled with weekly special booster sessions). To overcome feeling inundated that comes with the package of being a parent, these mothers needed to know the necessity of recharging their batteries daily. Wouldn’t driving a car require you to stop for a refuel? Well, we do too; and that applies not just to parenting, but to all the endeavors we handle ranging from small daily routines to more demanding tasks.

The fast pace era we live in is moving at a dizzying speed. Many of us, and without notice, have this tendency to burn our body and mental fuel close to being empty. We assume that by sleeping we get that rest we need, but that only replenishes our physical drain. What about our depleted mental and emotional capacities. Think about it… how can you give what you don’t have (i.e. attention or love)? Only internal focus can project outwardly; only loving yourself builds your ability to love others…..

Refueling can take on different forms; and many satisfy it through different means (and maybe without a conscious thought). Here is what some efficient and productive people would do:

- Wake up early and have sometime alone: By far, this is the most effective method for a recharge. It helps you plan the day ahead and become focused on what to resolve. A fifteen minutes time alone can help you take stock of your direction.
- Incorporate exercise in your routines: Exercise has a magical effect on your mood over and above your physical health. One hour is equivalent to a “Prozac” pill and guarantees your ability to face the many challenges you might face.
- Give yourself sporadic space during the day: It doesn’t help so much to stay “on the go”. Pause a bit before jumping to that next meeting, or that next thing on your agenda. You need to be mentally prepared and focused especially when getting down to brass tacks.
- Treat yourself with occasional pampering: This is what I meant by weekly booster sessions. Where do you find yourself most relished? Do something off the usual routine. Something you really like, but can’t squeeze the time for daily. It could be getting a massage, watching a funny movie, or simply meeting a friend who makes you feel good about yourself.
- Plan a vacation: It keeps you going to know that you have an allotted lengthier space to catch your breath. “Dangle a carrot”, a big reward, for all you want to accomplish. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; just a plan to spend your time your own way…

There are many other simple and brief ways we can insert during the day like taking deep breaths, laugh about something, listening to music, taking a relaxing bath, etc…choices are varied if we just take time to find these. When you don’t stop to refuel, you’ll find yourself adrift in life and eventually will be dragging your heels whilst everything seemingly hitting the fan. You can become a nervous wreck, risk your health, and be a grump that no one tolerates. Don’t give in to that autopilot of yours. Take the lead and relax a bit. It’s an active choice. If you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you. So, what would be your favorite refueling method? Take the steps today without delay…..

Coaching Is Definitely Not Therapy!!

Many people still don’t know what coaching is. It is even often confused with therapy. Although there are many similarities between the two professions, they diverge in core ways. I, myself, practice both; and find myself switching in mentality and even posture when I wear my coaching hat on.

So how is coaching similar or different than therapy? Coaching and therapy are based on similar theoretical constructs and practitioner-client issues (e.g. one on-one on going confidential relationship). Masterful coaches use skills from solution-oriented therapy approaches, cognitive behavioral psychology, and recent advances in positive psychology. Like therapy, coaching belongs to the helping professions. It is based on effective listening, empathetic understanding, a sincere desire to assist the individuals feel better about themselves and their lives. They similarly implement a variety of tools and strategies to facilitate progress. In addition, both professions bring about positive behavioral change and help people understand how their emotional and cognitive reactions interfere with performance, personal effectiveness, and well being.

A key difference between the two professions is the time orientation. Coaching is more focused on the future; while therapy focuses on resolving past issues. One aims at discovery; the other aims at recovery. There are several other differences between both practices in terms of: focus of attention, level of activity, and type of conversation wit the clients. On one hand, the coaching process is characterized by a focus on strengths, goals, untapped potential, and on interactions that are more active, self-disclosing, and more tied to business and work objectives. On the other hand, the process in therapy is focused more on malfunctioning, deficits, and exploring feelings and emotional processing. The course is more like an undefined wandering progression of digging everywhere. Additionally, unlike therapy, coaching has looser boundaries with clients, more use of humor, and a less care-taker role.

There are also differences in the sessions’ setting and length. While sessions in coaching can be flexible in timing and include various means like the telephone, the internet, in person meeting, or through video-conferencing, therapy sessions are normally 50 minutes, face-to-face in the therapist’s office and only in emergencies over the phone. As for the training required for either profession, therapists undergo an extensive and demanding training typically far in excess of coach training.

Recently many therapists have incorporated coaching into their practice. The other way round can’t be true for coaches. It raises a “red flag” and coaches are advised to refer their clients to therapists when any signs of mental concerns are detected. It is beyond their professional ability to handle. Other therapists have abandoned their therapeutic role all together for coaching. This is because dealing with human suffering can be draining if the therapist does not take time to routinely self-energize. I wonder if with time I will end up making such a move despite my passion to be there for those who need help in any way. Only time can tell….

Do You Want FOCUS? Try The "Mini Hulk” Exercise!

It has been said that around 65,000 thoughts cross our minds daily. It is no wonder, then, that we find many ideas wondering about in our psyche each calling for attention. Some of these seep into conscious awareness and succeed in being recognized; others just creep up to the surface and then retreat unnoticed. Normally you wouldn’t mind it, but if you’re pressed with time to have a specific mental task done, you find that the more you toss away irrelevant thoughts, the more they forcefully fly back. What needs to take an hour, is now consuming two. You can’t concentrate and that gets you more inundated. You may have too many things on your plate and there’s no running away from multi-tasking. You keep thinking of the next things you need to be doing, but you still haven’t finished what you’re working on. Whether you’re down the wire, or not, it is total absorption in an endeavor that differentiates those who are efficient from those who are not. They have insurmountable “focus”; always at the heart of what they do. So how can stop this mental chatter?

Here is an exercise I offer my students to help them through the drudgery of studying for multiple exams. You can use it for any other time consuming project that necessitates you to be both fast yet efficient in your mental capacities. The exercise takes you about 8 to 10 minutes, but it could save you hours of inefficiency. I use the analogy of the well proclaimed “Incredible Hulk” hero. You might have read about him in the comic magazines, or seen the movie. It’s about this scientist who upon trying to experiment accidentally becomes subject to radiation. Eventually, whenever his body is highly aroused, he gradually transforms into a green hulk with omnipotent physical powers. You need to have such mental invincible powers that render you all-too focused. No distractions; only full mastery and time efficiency. Why not make time to play a bit before the hard work? Let’s start:

Sit in your work area and start visualizing that you are about to deploy and attract the entire world’s energy through the top of your head. That’s right…take it easy…. Focus… It’s all coming to you from different directions….pouring…. filling you up with green energy….That’s it…. You’re filling up from your toes, going up your legs, knees, thighs, up to your abdomen, chest, and spreading to your arms, hands, shoulders, neck, and up to your face. Your color has changed into green radiating energy and now you start transforming slowly…Each part of your body is growing and specifically your mind has doubled in size. It became immune to any noise’ and hears only the sound of your firm voice speaking affirmatively. Things like:
- I will start now on this task and will stop only when I consciously decide to.
- I have total focus on this and will be wading my way through with utmost energy.
- I have put away all distractions (my mobile, my computer, turned off the landline phone, etc…). So, my internal force is the guiding hub for action now.
- I will be doing a great job in having this done perfectly, in no time, and will have full mastery over this.

Tailor your self-talk to the specific task you’re handling and keep talking. Imagine further that you have shut the doors to any extraneous thoughts that do not serve what you’re working on. Are these doors locked? Look at you…..Now you are the “Mini Hulk” and you can have that full focus you need. You have gong-ho pace and kick-ass energy. Start working on what you set your mind on doing.

Take your time to do this mental exercise and then assess your focus. You’ll see the difference. You can also condition yourself to be in that state without taking those 8 – 10 minutes later on. In neuro-linguistic programming, it’s called “anchoring” yourself. That means, as you repeat the exercise a number of times, give yourself a pat on the shoulder at the end of each ritual (alternatively you can choose to say any word or statement you like; for instance I am a “Mini Hulk”). Simply associating that pat on the shoulder or that statement repeatedly at the end of the exercise would make a link in your mind. When you will it, and in no time at all, just give yourself that pat; and alone it would render you in that invincible state of focus without having to go through the process. It just needs some practice. Many of my students have implemented this exercise and reaped the benefits. Call it an investment. I call it a gift for all of you; would you turn it away?

How Am I Supposed to Handle “Hypocrites”?

You are, indeed, blessed when life hands you the right kind of supportive people who get you all enlightened, validated, or nourished. But, like it or not, you may bump repeatedly with mere hypocrites. If you’re the tough-minded type, you wouldn’t easily let them off the hook. You may openly defy their emotional blackmail and confront them with the truths you observe. But what happens if you’re the overly sensitive type. You abide by societal etiquettes that require you to continually swallow your observations? Your personal standards dictate gentle interpersonal dealings. You’d tell yourself: “let others discover the hypocrisy just as I did” (maybe let them quell the lies for you). But then what? It just irritates you that you have to keep tolerating the deceit. Hypocrites have been preying on my mind lately; and I am having difficulty dealing with them. I am just saddened by the idea of being lied to. I might as well write about it to gain some clarity. Maybe in the process I get to reduce their harrowing effects.

Let’s see: The dictionary defines a hypocrite as “a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives”. It’s not those diplomatic well-meaning people that will be referred to here; rather, the malicious type who continually live a big lie to portray a good image. They intentionally or not neglect to practice what they preach (i.e. their actions contradict their declared beliefs). They hide the truth for having motives that are either unappreciated by others (could be hidden agendas), or that they don’t feel so proud of to start with. It seems to me as if they underestimate that others are bright enough to figure out their pretense. They live by double standards; and to reduce their internal arising conflict, they cleverly self-rationalize this duality by providing all sorts of justifications. But, would this defense mechanism succeed in zeroing-out the precipitating imbalance? Would it eliminate the emerging inner anxiety? My belief is probably not. They will remain in an ongoing battle to protect their charade. I wonder if they get too drained to persist, or if they ever anticipate for the predictable moments of being discovered.

What about you at the receiving end of being bombarded with unsolicited lies? Our natural tendency is to start avoiding these people especially if honesty is a guiding cherished principal in our lives. As impractical as it is, some of these hypocrites are woven into your most intimate connections (i.e. could be family members, colleagues on the job, or even members of your own circle of acquaintances). By now, you know them too much; and when they get going with the “parade”, it feels to you that you want to grab out your daggers and stab their lies to death. But, no; the caring sensitive type can’t allow that. You resist the urge of descending to lower levels of dealing; you want to keep rising to higher standards of ethical conduct. To you, ignoring them might be the right thing to do; and how many times do we choke by having to do the “right thing”? Sometimes it sounds like too much pressure. Are you to lash out and bend your rules some time? Hmmmm! that seems tempting and you’ve got good reasons to do that. Gees! These people keep invading your territory. They walk all over you!

Giving it a good thought, I’m inclined to stick to my guns. They press my buttons, but let me keep doing what I believe as the “right thing”. Let me use some self-affirmations. Something like:
- Dania, wait! Suspend your judgment. Are you basing your observations on assumptions or on repeated and well demonstrated action / declared belief discrepancy? Re-visit your stance EVERY time.
- If I do find such discrepancy, understand well where it comes from. These people might just be covering up something embarrassing to protect you, others, or themselves. They could have good intentions after all, so keep your eyes open to find the good core in people (even in those hypocrites themselves).
- Don’t let their prevalence keep you on your toes when you deal with well-meaning others. The “good guys” and the “not so good guys” inspire us alike.
- Let’s keep our hopes high in their coming to terms with their true self. Life can be made much simpler if we just acted naturally.
- Let us tiptoe through the minefields of their insecurities and ignorance while being alert to not being coaxed into their hidden agendas.
- They are “small stuff”; let’s focus on more worthy pursuits.
- Let’s persevere in being sincere. Be the good example; maybe by observation they get that “wake-up” call.
- They are here to teach us a lesson. Think of many good reasons for why they exist in your life. Refine your life skills and exercise your patience.

It’s amazing how my disgust subsides as I state what I can do to manage their inevitable presence in my life. See, I can still disagree without being disagreeable. Eventually, these hypocrites will realize that the masks they wear are transparent and people can actually see through. Their masks wear out. If they don’t shape up, they will look around one day to find themselves living in total isolation. Give them ground to discover on their own the serenity of being true. Shrug it off! You can’t teach them. They’ll have to learn it on their own from you…..

Accepting Versus Resisting - Power Tool (2)

This is a continuation of my previous post on "Accepting versus Resisting" what we can not change. It's a great empowering tool to help you cope with your difficult life situations.

Topic 3. Accepting vs. Resisting the SELF
It’s true that we can do a lot to steer our life course and where we land. Still, we are deprived of choice in specific matters. Did you have a choice in being born a male or female? Or even in having the physical features you possess? We often see some individuals bending backwards trying hard to implement major changes on their looks. Sometimes it is doable, but comes to fruition only with great tolls. Self-acceptance refers to accepting one self with all its flaws (ranging from temperament, to genetic make-up, to who we truly are). When that is done, these flaws will start to diminish. We stop paying attention to them; hence, negative emotions would cease to surface. Nobody is perfect that’s for sure.

For instance, one might have a specific health concern. The label “sick” maybe too distressing to acknowledge, so one may start whining and complaining about that health concern as if “resisting” the idea will make it vanish. Only through “accepting” that condition and trying to surpass it will one cope better. Alternatively, one may ignore the whole “being sick” idea (another form of resistance). What happens is that one’s health condition gets exacerbated when left untreated. The more we embrace all parts of our being, the better we’ll feel about ourselves and the more we grow. When we resist having limitations (be it inborn or accrued over time), we find ourselves pushed too far into a deep abyss of exhaustion. We are far better off if we embrace the positive and let go of the negative. It has been said, “If life hands you lemon, make lemonade”. Work with what you’ve got. Capitalize on your strengths; you’ll find plenty to work with. Improve what you can, but don’t fall into frustration at deadlocks.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those aspects that you don’t appreciate about yourself?

2. Which of these can you change?

3. Which of these are impractical / impossible to change?

4. List at least five empowering reasons for accepting (rather than resisting) those aspects you cannot change.

Topic 4. Accepting vs. Resisting OTHERS

Relationships with other people are vital in our progress along life’s path. Close others can be our support system as we thrive and in times of misery. In some instances, these close others become our source of distress. It is very easy to eliminate an “emotional vampire” (i.e. someone who drains your energy) if s/he were not really meaningful in your life, or imposed on you. But we occasionally fall into the trap of trying to change others to better fit our expectations. We forget that it is not easy to change someone else; and that it is much easier to change how we react to another’s behavior.

For instance, you become upset at how your parent, your sibling, or your spouse constantly behaves. You start giving him/her all sorts of hints; and at times become just blatant and criticize at no avail. Truth is, your repeated attempts may create opposition and defensiveness; and the cycle of conflict escalates. The more you persist, the more they become stubborn and resist your attempts. Asses how you would feel if someone tried to change you? You probably would get hurt and create walls of protection. Surely, we cannot dispense with some people in our lives. We are better off at considering the whole package. “Accepting” these people for what they are and focusing on their assets generates far better interaction processes. You can pinpoint how you feel about it, but it is their choice to rectify or not.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those people who are indispensable in your life. Is there anyone of them in particular that you find difficulty tolerating / accommodating to?

2. If you answered “No”, you’re blessed. Count more blessings.

3. If you answered “Yes”,
a) List that person’s good qualities. Find as many as you can.
b) Can you accept that person with all his/her flows now?
c) While keeping his/her good qualities in the spot light, can you take that person’s behavior humorously for the coming week? See if all your interactions get lighter

Topic 5. Accepting vs. Resisting the HURT

As wonderful as it is, life can subject us to a variety of hurtful experiences. We can be targets to injustice, deceit, disappointments, insults, or misfortunes. It might give us the least we expect or deserve. These deleterious ordeals could range from painful childhood experiences, to experiencing infidelity in a relationship, to getting a demotion on the job, or other negative life situations. We unintentionally plunge into an emotional tail spin and experience feelings of anger, bitterness, or vengeance. The more we ruminate over the hurt, the more we prolong our distress and get swallowed up by our own distress. Sometimes, the more we try to save face or seek revenge, the more we get stuck at the mishap. We can surely get our chin high somewhere else. “Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why feed the turmoil inside?

If our negative emotions include another person, then forgive. So much has been said about the positive effects of forgiveness even if unsolicited. Forgiveness refers to accepting what had happened and deciding to let go of attempts to seek revenge. When we keep our resentment contained within us, we are keeping inside negative energy which feeds the suffering. Our pain, then, was inevitable. It’s our suffering that’s optional. The past hurt when fed can cloud our vision of the present or the future; and can deprive us of inner peace.

If our emotions involved a specific situation we were are still struggling with, sometimes it is best to just let go. Fight no more. Maya Angelou once said: “At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” We may be caught up in fighting too hard to eliminate the hurt caused by our life situations (we resist). We yearn to effect change when we can simply seek satisfaction elsewhere. Consider always: what’s the opportunity for me in there? Where else can I derive joy? It maybe too hard to extract yourself from some hurtful situation, but at least we can plan something to move gradually away from it. When no plan works, you can do the best you can to work within the confinements of that situation. Surely if you think hard enough, you can focus your thoughts on different aspects to compensate for your dissatisfaction. Transform the distress into motivation to excel at something else; move in a different direction.

Reflection and Application

1. Think of a specific life situation that has stirred your emotions negatively.

2. Are you willing to accept that it took place in the past and let go, or would you want to remain resisting that it happened?

Here’s a technique that can help you heal the hurt: Find the time to undergo a process of emotional healing. You may need an hour, 2, or even 3 hours to finish this exercise. Write about the distressing situation while focusing on how it made you feel. Include all the things that were not said and remain in your throat. Pour in all your emotions, your hurt, and your disappointment about it. Don’t leave anything out. If the hurt was caused by another person, address your writing to him/her. You’ll experience agitation as you do that. Get in touch with it. Name the emotions you are experiencing and reflect on how these were affecting your previous actions. When you’re done, burn that letter. As you watch those flames glow tell yourself: ‘This is one episode that is out of my system now. I won’t let it bother me anymore. It’s gone; finished. I will be indifferent to it from now on. It’s in the past; folded well. Now, I feel great, refreshed, and will resume a happier life.


Conclusion

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices” ~ Dr. Paul Tournier. We do need to be resilient in face of adversity. It serves us well to weigh the costs of fighting. It serves us well to know where we stand before moving forward. Much of what colors our perceptions is a creation of our own minds. Will you keep feeding your mind with handicapping thoughts, or will you empower yourself by opening up to healthier possibilities to grow? Your “call”....