Celebrate Life: Be Grateful

A couple of days back, I ran across a young boy with no arms. He’s a beggar, I suppose, but one who was busy looking at the sea waves crash on the shore. Shortly after, I noticed a young man sitting on a wheel-chair selling chewing gum boxes. Obviously, it was his way of making a living. Gees!!!…. There must be a message in there for me: Two very unfortunate individuals in a row were enough of a reminder to start reflecting more deeply on how fortunate I am to have my four limbs intact. Not only that, I have much more to be thankful about. Then an overwhelming sense of gratitude struck me! I have a lot to celebrate about every single day!

Why is it that we resort to celebrating only new years eve, birthdays, anniversaries, achievements, graduation, etc….? What does it mean to celebrate? Practically, many would define it a chance to rejoice or acknowledging passage successfully of a mile-stone. The trend is to engage close others with our own feelings of joy. I like it most when the celebration includes a speech by those concerned summarizing their thoughts (past and future that is); however, it is not always the trend. I wonder how many of us actually sit and reflect about what that occasion means, or assess the impact it had and will have on our future. How did we make use of the opportunity to have the experience and what further prospects lie there ahead?

Sometimes, we even let such occasions just pass by without any rejoice at all? Why? When we don’t, it is if we are denying ourselves the right to be happy about yet another landmark. Oh yes! We deserve to celebrate! And yes! Let those we partnered with and love join in the festivity! They deserve our acknowledgement that their support was one of the bases for our thriving. Let all be reminded that we – ourselves – need to commend our efforts. It keeps us going. It is much more potent than doing the positive self-talk in solitude.

I choose to celebrate everyday; not only occasions. I refuse to take the blessings I have for granted. I want to focus on those things I have; not those I still lack. The latter are only incentives requiring actions to fulfill. They are merely prospects for celebration with beloved others. When I go to bed each day, I want to have celebrated yet another day of: having been productive, of having lived with no serious ailment, of being surrounded by loving family and friends, of having a sober mind to do all these reflections, and of having the ability to feel blissful. I can think of many many more to be thankful and celebrate about. Even that young boy was contemplating the beauty of the sea. His eyesight was a blessing. And even the man on the wheel-chair held that chewing gum box with his arms and smiled at passers-by. I don’t want to have to be reminded that I am spared having a handicap. I choose to be grateful to what I have; I choose to celebrate just being….

Stress-Free Life?

I am well in touch with the notion of stress. I believe roughly everyone is. I read a lot of research examining this construct and its relevance to many others: multiple definitions, coping mechanisms, underlying bases for most physical and psychological disorders, etc…. Fascinating topic; and very broad indeed. I was very aware of the detrimental effects it has on ones’ welfare and never claimed knowing it all. Recently, a colleague – Louisa Chan- offered me a chance to participate in a 4 session program to live a “Stress-Free Life in 30 days”. I felt honored to be selected as a participant. The title of the program appealed to me. I lead a life loaded with stressors of all sorts. I do handle most constructively; and attempt to transcend those that persist, but a “stress-free life” is beyond my comprehension! How can it be? It’s like stripping life of its lure.

Being a passionate learner, I enrolled as a participant. Already born a female, I and my kind, become vulnerable by imposed and ongoing societal role expectations. If I could do anything to buffer myself against the incongruence arising, then let it be undertaken. We all assume multiple roles. The challenge is satisfying all ends; yet, remain in control. What is stress, but a perceived inability to cope in face of excessive demands physically or psychologically? Here I am with a conflicting identity: purely me, a career woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a student, a friend, a manager, etc….. and the list goes on. So many labels and each require specific duties, aspirations, and above all TIME. With so many passions to explore new venues, with choosing so many “roads less traveled”, I was constantly being pulled by different forces and in different directions. How can I possibly accommodate myself to all without any stress experience? By definition, I am a living example of stress. It may not manifest fully, as I make use of various defense strategies. Why not learn more, and bridge whatever gaps still loiter?

Over a period of one month, the sessions of the program slowly unfolded with full flexibility, Q/As options, field work, and numerous down-to-earth analogies. Some readings confirmed my knowledge and practices of few de-stress techniques: Deep breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, de-cluttering, pouring out your heart in writing, etc… At the same time, I was on the track of more discoveries. So many new insights: we are by design programmed to float not sink in face of set backs, we are advised to assure ourselves that hard times will be overcome, we need to consciously change the energy of any distress to a driving more productive and healthier force, we are to act by priorities, and so much more…. Further strategies were suggested that despite their simplicity and power, many would fail to utilize.

I looked at my life and noticed a pattern there: high achiever, too many goals, list of endless things to do, aggressive pattern in working, a sense of urgency, etc…. It seemed to me I liked the trend, but these are some features of a Type A personality. Gosh! It is known that these people are more prone to coronary heart disease with excessive stress being an underlying factor. Why the rush (I told myself)? Are these goals worth dying for? Too many roles, too many things to do, too many ambitions, but too little time to fit all. I am always in a race to get things done. I earlier set lengthy deadlines; why not stretch them out further? A reverse in the trend of “over-delivering” is necessitated now before it is too late. Everything I do is feeding into my life experience as a whole. It looked like I had myopia on being over-productive. A take it “slow and easy” approach is a requirement if I willingly immerse myself in multi-tasking, or else stress would kick-in ending with strain and consequently burn-out. But can I do that? Or is it just an endowment I have to live with? Can I regulate this tendency of incessant role clashes? There is no reason why I shouldn’t.

Another enlightening aspect the program dealt with was emotional stress. The concepts of “seeking closure” in unresolved relationships and “feeling complete” were not utterly new to me. I’ve always read about the debilitating effects of physical and psychological traumas and how to handle these. It is only when the trauma is processed, its pain closely felt and accepted, and the notion of “forgive and forget” is adopted that the victim is able to transcend the trauma. In the process of growing and maturing, I have had my share of disappointments with people I considered so dear. Mini-traumas, as such, most likely surface for all of us. Emotional stress precipitates when, for example, we are let down, get frustrated, turn our anger inward or outward, and then move on. If our setback took place with someone really close, seeking completion entails confrontation and clarification of standards; then finishing up with setting boundaries and turning a new page. It is one wide spread strategy people use in varying intensities and degrees.

Sometimes, however, the hurt would be either too out of proportion for any reconciliation, or it could be that we are in no position to wage a battle for other considerations. It is in these cases that emotional distress lingers on, so what do we do in such cases I asked? Louisa answered by an ingenious technique. Write about it and describe all your feelings. Express your grudge, maltreatment, or injustice. Pour it all out on a piece of paper, think it over, get in touch with how it makes you feel, then decide to let go. Tell yourself: I’m not going to let that bug me no more, it’s gone, finished, then set your letter on fire. Watch that episode rage in flame then dwindle in enormity to become only ashes. Believe firmly that the magnitude of this event will diminish in your psyche; and it will. That is closure of all the negative feelings you carried. Visualizing the process happen and believing it will just be gone have potent effects on making it resolve. The power of visualization and that of belief have been demonstrated over again to be powerful sources for accomplishments. Let’s make use of these then to de-stress.

Stress-free life in just thirty days? Nothing is impossible and everything has an antidote. Louisa’s voice still echoes: by design, we are resilient. Keep an eye open to our attempts to resist too much. Strategies to de-stress on all levels are out there. It is entirely up to us to discover what works for us and what doesn’t. Never mind how many trials it would take to make it happen. To me, first, come awareness, assessment and a conscious decision. Second, follow sincere attempts and commitment. Lastly, results show us if we are on the right track. Any outcome we do not aspire is only feedback that something ought to be revised. This is a process only those determined utilize in all their ventures. It does not only pertain to alleviating the stress experience per se….

Thriving; Not Just Surviving

Let me tell you an incident that led to writing this post. I came across a comment by an “Anonymous” on my previous Blog post (Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional). Since I was just reading (no other clues like tone of voice, or body language to convey additional information), it just occurred to me that “Anonymous” was being sarcastic: posing questions and challenging me to expand on a topic I consider sensitive to many. I published the comment anyway without feeling threatened. It was my choice to expand on my personal experiences and I refused to expose a lot about me (at that time). “Anonymous” responded again clarifying and ensuring me (without offense) that my style was appreciated, but people needed to hear about my own personal stuff to enhance my credibility.

Hmmmm! It made me think. It makes sense. I don’t have to reveal everything (some things are better left unsaid). I can be selective and transform my writing from just preaching to having it more grounded in experience. What I was doing was addressing the bigger picture. I can certainly spice things up by inserting more personal issues. It probably was a misconception to remain as mysterious or as objective as I was. I love it when my mentors provide me with anecdotes about their own unique life. I try to do the same with my students as we discuss down-to-earth psychological concepts. Why not do the same here on my Blog (although I’m just trying to jot down my thoughts; not trying to be a mentor to anyone yet)?

This brings me to the thought of “Thriving; not just Surviving”. I didn’t let that comment just reside in my “inbox” to be deleted later on without thought. Had I done that, it would ensure mere status quo and sheer survival. I thought more about the purposes it could serve. What can I learn from this?” Ok, I can deduce many downbeat scenarios (sarcasm, envy, immaturity, etc…), or I can search for opportunities to thrive (improve, seek a new root, attempt to modify, etc…). Let me try this new recommended strategy. There must be some truth in it somehow.
What have I to lose? If it does not work, I can always shift back to a newer strategy, or return to my former style. I will be undergoing constant metamorphosis - which I love. It is one of the most remarkable phenomena ever. It is a transition from surviving to thriving. It is flexibility that yields outstanding outcomes.

That was a personal experience! How’s that “Anonymous”? Ok, can’t do without some “preaching” time :) (it takes awhile to conclude metamorphosis): Learning is an essential component of our lives. Some of us are content with simple adaptation, and with pure physical and psychological survival. There is a difference, however, between remaining in a “comfort zone” and seeking constant upgrades. Small incidents abound in our daily lives. These can sometimes pass without our full awareness to the embedded message each carries. Even minute encounters can educate us in powerful ways if only we are fully present. Unless one has reached his/her full potentials and is known to have reached perfection, there is no need to seek further learning opportunities. Up to my knowledge, and to date, no such individual exists….