What Hypnotherapy Is (And Some Misconceptions)

There are many misconceptions surrounding hypnotherapy at a time when it is only a process of inducing a very relaxed physical and mental state (i.e. a trance) more like guided day-dreaming or meditation. The hypnotherapist, in this process, supports you work-out being stuck, modify maladaptive behavior, or eliminate stressors in multiple ways. Effecting positive change can range from curing phobias, to dealing with low self-esteem, to resolving repressed traumas, to installing new beliefs, and many more….. The whole idea of inducing a trance is to facilitate your getting in touch with your unconscious mind – that part of your mind that has command over much of your behavior, emotions, and ingrained beliefs; hence, make important life transformations. During the process, your conscious mind is asked to relegate to the periphery. It is that logical analytical part of your mind that has everything you are aware of at the moment (i.e. the spotlight mechanism directing your attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behavior). You may wonder: why, then, seek the unconscious mind during hypnotherapy?

Your conscious mind is deliberate and has limited capacity. It relies heavily on the automatic unconscious mind to deal with overwhelming diversified other functions. Known for multi-tasking, your unconscious mind is by far the larger store of all your memories and is the domain of your emotions both of which continue to have influence over you without your awareness. Your unconscious mind is guided by the principle of least effort and loves repetition; thus, is responsible for creating and maintaining your habits (of thought and behavior). Your perceptions are formed, controlled, and are similarly maintained by your unconscious mind; hence, internal and external events are interpreted through schemas formulated at the unconscious level. For your protection, your unconscious mind represses memories of unresolved negative emotions as well as thoughts that are too anxiety provoking for your conscious awareness (i.e. ideas you’d spank yourself real hard for even considering). It, furthermore, runs and preserves your bodily process (e.g. you don’t notice that your heart beats, nor are you aware of your stress hormones being released in your system). No wonder, then, we seek to communicate with your unconscious mind to involve the whole of your mental processes in working for you; not against you.

In hypnotherapy, the aim is to tackle any concerns controlled by your unconscious mind (and these are plenty as briefed above). To help you speed up processes of change, hypnosis takes a short cut targeting the root causes of behavior, beliefs and emotions. Many prominent figures used hypnosis to enhance their achievement like: Mozart, Thomas Edison, Einstein, Sir Winston Churchill, and Henry Ford to name a few. Others used it to overcome their life tragedies (e.g. Jackie Kennedy-Onassis), beat the habit of smoking (e.g. Drew Barrymore), or make it as champions (e.g. Tiger Woods). To date, many are still reluctant to take this quick fix because of many circulated popular misconceptions that portray hypnosis as scary or dangerous. Frequently asked questions are addressed herein to clarify:

- Is hypnosis really safe? Yes, hypnosis is a normal state that you go in and out of everyday without noticing. Spacing out while driving, or being totally engrossed in a movie are trance-like states. An autopilot takes over and you’d be totally absorbed in focus. The state induced in hypnotherapy is very similar. The difference is that your focus will be totally inward on your internal states in a dream-like fashion. After a session, many wonder whether they were in fact hypnotized, as the induced state resembles so much normal experiences. There are no mysteries about it and no magic (though I consider the after effects more like “white magic”).

- Do I end-up sharing my deepest secrets? No, you won’t say anything you’d rather remain private; and you can openly express your reluctance to share your secrets during the session. It helps more, though, if you verbalize your thoughts out, as your hypnotherapist will better be able to guide you in resolving any issue. Besides, why would you be reluctant to talk about what bothers you? Get it off your shoulders. Confidentiality of anything you discuss is ensured through-out the process. That’s an oath your hypnotherapist abides by all the time.

- What if I am the type who cannot be hypnotized (i.e. I’m un-suggestible)? Everyone can be hypnotized. We are in trance at least twice a day: when we wake up in the morning and as we fall asleep. It is your choice to willingly collaborate with your hypnotherapist or not; go deeper or not; cooperate to solve what’s bothering you or decide to forfeit the highway to effecting positive change. It is known that smart people are easily hypnotized because they can easily follow instructions. It’s not a sign of being too gullible, weak-minded or submissiveness. Hypnosis just creates the space for solving problems. And practically we all get immersed in our own thought processes whether we like it or not. The only difference in a hypnotic session is that you will have someone guiding you through the process to achieve the outcomes you desire.

- What if my hypnotherapist suggests that I do things I don’t approve of (e.g. robbing a bank or take off my clothes)? You will never do anything that violates your values or find objectionable in normal circumstances. This myth has grounds in stage hypnosis during which extroverted people volunteer to be in the arena. They totally let go of their inhibition and engage in outlandish behavior. It’s their choice to be in the spotlight, but clearly have an excuse by blaming it on the hypnotist. You can always check the credentials of your hypnotherapist (many charlatans have intruded on the profession and Hollywood movies jazzed up their stories by making up such exciting scenarios). Certified hypnotherapists abide by a code of ethics and would definitely not cross the lines.

- Would I be completely under the control of the hypnotherapist? No, you won’t. The degree of control over you is only that which you allow. Your conscious mind will keep track of all the session details while you do the change work with your unconscious mind. Your hypnotherapist will merely suggest imagery and thoughts that instill a new way of being (one that you choose). You remain at all times in charge of accepting the suggestions or not. You are the one in control of your heightened state of alertness, memory, and concentration. If for any reason your hypnotherapist says anything you don’t agree with, you can still control the flow of the session and express your disapproval. It’s not that you are stripped of any power; on the contrary.

- Will I forget what went on during the session? No, you won’t unless it’s a therapeutically induced amnesia to forget a past trauma (the light can be made dimmer on distressing memories). The empowering suggestions by your hypnotherapist will linger and you will remember everything that took place during the session. The suggestions are repeated continuously to become your new driving force. These will positively influence the way you behave and emotionally react to life events. Unless you are motivated to forget and express that to your hypnotherapist, it is not usually the norm.

- Would I sleep during hypnosis? And what if I don’t wake up? Although many use the term “sleep” to induce hypnosis, it is not “sleeping” per se. It just refers to a state akin to “sleeping” when you experience utmost relaxation and calmness. It differs with sleeping because your senses remain alert during hypnosis. They don’t shut down. You, especially focus more on your hypnotherapist’s voice. I personally prefer to use the term “relax” instead of “sleep” just so it eliminates this confusion. Never worry about not being able to return from trance; the choice to return to your previous state remains up to you any time. And when the session is over, you will always feel more refreshed, invigorated, and more empowered. If for any reason you do fall asleep (i.e. because you’re very tired), you will easily be awakened when I tell you that you’ll be charged extra for “over-using” that relaxing chair .

As a final note and after clarifying the above misconceptions, a survey of the psychotherapy literature by psychologist Alfred A. Barrios, Ph.D. (published in the American Health Magazine) revealed that hypnotherapy recovery rates after 6 sessions were 93%. Using Psychoanalysis, recovery rates were 38% after 600 sessions. Using Behavioral Therapy, recovery rates were 72% after 22 sessions. Knowing all this by now, are you prompted to take a short cut to effecting positive change through hypnosis, or would you rather keep postponing?

Let’s Make Change Easy: 8 Simple Ways

To effect positive change is not as easy as we’d like to think it is. Most people (as not to say all) think of changing to the better one way or another. We think of changing our life style, overcome bad habits or kick in new ones, acquire new skills, or change the way we think, the way we look, react, or behave. We even consider changing our situations and dream of things to happen, but dreams remain mere fantasies. Many times we rightfully postpone the decision until we resolve some other battles first, but we never cross that bridge. At other times, the need becomes beefier and, finally, a shift to action from complaining takes over. We take the first step towards that bridge.

The impetus to change can be triggered by external or internal forces. External forces can be enticing; pushing us or pulling us to seek change. It could be someone else inspiring (or even threatening), or it could simply be an attractive other situation. The more powerful motivator stems from within. No doubt extreme dissatisfaction (and many times pain) can push us more forcefully towards change. And how many times do we wait to hit bottom before deciding that something should be done?

In all cases, change is not simple despite our highest motivation. It means we have to put in some effort; to give up an easier old pattern of living. Leaving the familiar and changing the status quo could be terrifying; so is stretching beyond our comfort of zone. What we need to keep in mind is that the catalyst of change is a moment of decision followed by commitment to effect that change. The “stretching” further can be facilitated through the following 8 simple steps:

1. Identify what you want to change in a positive manner (your ultimate goal as opposed to what you don’t want). Make it a S.M.A.R.T. goal (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-focused, and Timed). Work backwards in creating the baby steps (mini goals) to simplify it and keep track.

2. In writing, list the benefits and reasons for change. This wraps change in a sense of urgency. You need plenty of arguments to outnumber any resistance in expending the effort. Get clear on the advantages and how your life will be transformed. You need to appeal to your cognitive mind. And when that takes place, it starts to “feel right”. Eventually, it will similarly appeal to your emotions.

3. Observe a role model who has already gone through the process of change. This enables perceiving that what you aim for is doable not impossible. Model what that person did and save yourself some “trial and error” attempts.

4. Build on your own achievements. You surely have had a success (most likely many) of some sort in the past. Remember those times. Self-coach and self-motivate as hard as you can (see step 8 if you can’t do it on your own).

5. Visualize yourself “as if” already having changed (how you behave, look like, the whole situation, etc…). The brain doesn’t distinguish between what’s real and what’s imagined. This is a process of instilling a new pattern and it takes time to replace the old one. Fake it till you make it.

6. Pay conscious attention to your self-talk; to how you’re behaving or feeling. It’s easy to be guided by that same old autopilot and this is where most of the effort resides. You are now on a new mission. Keep reminding yourself of your new purpose.

7. Reward yourself on achievements periodically. We do have a tendency to forget to celebrate. “Little wins” and those baby steps have to be acknowledged. These are great motivators. Capitalize on such positive emotions.

8. Hire someone who can give you an extra push to make it happen. Yes, pay for the service of a coach or therapist (I’m not advertising my services here :) Naaah :). The idea that you’re investing some money in the change process psychologically makes you feel obliged. You also have multiple other benefits beyond discussion here (a change in perspective, a listener, a cheerleader to name a few)

And once change is implemented in one area, other things appear simpler to control. The process kicks in and the momentum snowballs. Gradually, the sense that you are able to turn things round to your advantage makes you more empowered. Change begets change and life fulfillment is but an escapade. The process continues; it’s not another blue- print. You may also need to consider maintaining the change by surmounting the inevitable obstacles you face. These need to be considered mere challenges that are part of your dynamic journey towards change. To those who didn’t know these steps, of course change wouldn’t seem easy. But now you know. Let’s make it easy.

When You Can’t “Undo” It, “Re-do” it!

Wouldn’t it be great if we had the ability to press “undo” for some past events we don’t fully approve of just as we do on a “word document”? Unfortunately, in real life, the potential for unhappy life experiences is loaded; and we are not equipped with a similar opportunity when things go wrong. We often say things we regret. We find ourselves in embarrassing or painful situations. We even acquire many fears and phobias following just one ill-fated accident. And then, we beat ourselves up repeatedly with the memory until the negative feelings compound and restrict our ability to move forward. We get cornered in between self created confining walls and feel stuck because we carry a heavy baggage of all sorts of guilt, shame, or fear that keep one in place. So, then what do we do?

Well…. Maybe you cannot totally “undo” a previous incident, but there is a smart way to go about it if you have exhausted all other resources to rectify. You can learn your lesson, forgive yourself, minimize the importance of the whole event, and water down the intensity of any corresponding negative feelings. Time can surely heal, but things may drag. It’s more empowering to speed up the process, assume control and lift up your own spirits. Here is one sure way derived from NLP techniques to help you “re-do” what can’t be undone. It makes use of humor and visual minimization. We all know that humor can be a good coping mechanism to deal with difficulty. And we unknowingly and un-deliberately use both minimization and humor to deal with many tough realities. The following exercise combines both in a much more concentrated effort when the need arises.

Imagine yourself sitting all alone in a cinema holding in your hand a remote control that starts a movie on a big screen in front of you. You can control when the movie starts, stops, and play some scenes forward or backward. You can similarly control the sound, color, how fast the scenes go, and even the size of the image. This cinema is the “change workplace”. As you sit there, start playing the episode of that phobic or distressing situation. Watch it all happen slowly. You may experience some discomfort, but that’s Okay. Let it wash over you for the last time. If the anguish is too intense (in cases of phobias), stop the scene, rewind and play it again until you’re able to watch it all through. Tell yourself: “I need to face this for the last time”. When you succeed, stop and re-play the scene backward to the start. Watch it all in reverse (you or others talking or walking backward, etc…).

Next, run the movie from start really fast this time up to the critical moment (taking only a second or two); then run it backward as fast again. Do it a couple of times (i.e. fast forward and backward). The final stage is that of intervention and “re-doing”. Play the scene forward shrinking the image in size till it becomes the size of a postage stamp towards the end. Do this a second time playing forward adding some humor. You can insert the sound of some circus music in the scene and/or make the voices of you or others talking really funny. Add the voices of other spectators laughing as if watching a comedy sitcom while clowns jump around in funny maneuvers. Shrink the scene again as you play it forward. Repeat the same process playing it backward then forward as fast as you can until you feel that your worries greatly diminished and faded away.

When you think about the situation now, you won’t find it as disturbing or fearful as it was earlier. And if there are still any major residues, smooth it over by playing around that movie some more each time adding funny things and fading the colors and the size of the scene. The shift in your new experienced feelings will simply be magical. “Redoing” the episode this way will make you feel lighter and alters your state from that of bemoaning to owning a change in course. Why not save your time, attention, and energy to focus away from that experience and build new positive bridges. Whatever you nurture grows much bigger in size just as a shadow is of any respective object. And you need to accept that some “stains” are difficult to “undo”, and it is much easier to throw a garment than to dispose of our self-image. And unless you decide to let go, and actively shrink that memory, you will remain disempowered and stagnate. Active self-healing may be necessary to speed up the process of discounting the perils of a gloomy past episode, so better not rely only on time to do the work.

Contain Your Anger (for a while)

Life can throw us in the gutter sometimes when we least deserve it. It makes us prone to lose our temper specifically when we face injustice, shocking news, spitefulness, grave disappointments, or acts of malice by others. We may differ in reacting to such predicaments. Some of us just shake our heads in disbelief and turn our negative emotions inward; some others display their anger openly demanding corrective action on the spot. It might be helpful sometimes to dramatize our reaction to an extent. This is how we set your boundaries so others wouldn’t cross them (e.g. reacting directly to an insult in a mild way). At other times, there’s more to gain than to lose if we suppressed our anger for a while before reacting. I am not suggesting we bottle up our anger (a lot of harm can ensue in doing that). Just contain it a little and channel it properly.

Usually, our first spontaneous reaction in fury is most regrettable. Our problem may compound exponentially. This is because we have a clouded vision and blurry reasoning. The “count to ten” before reacting rule is set specifically for such reasons. You may be tempted to say “hell! I can’t help it. I don’t want to suppress the anger! It would seep in other covert ways!” But consider the alternative. If your anger was towards a person, you can lose the battle if you give your anger free reign especially if that other person has more power over you (e.g. an authority figure like your boss or your parent). The prospects of unpleasant consequences can be inevitable. You can boil inside, but it’s best to control yourself and consider how to best respond. Give your opponent a blank stare with a mild expression of your in-appreciation of what’s going on, ask to discuss the situation at another time (come up with an excuse for why not now), and then off you go to a place where you can unleash your anger as you give the situation some thoughtful consideration.

In your quiet place, start off by dissecting the conditions. You need to carefully plan, carefully phrase what you will say next, and carefully reflect on your options. Ask yourself: “what advice can I give my best friend if s/he were in a similar situation?” As you do, you may find that you are still fuming in anger and need to discharge it somehow. You’ve probably heard of venting out pent up anger through sports, screaming in a remote place, or simply engaging in a relaxation technique. Here’s yet another tool you can use if you want to be in more control of your situation and win over whoever made you angry.

Still, in your quiet place, take deep breaths and engage in mental combat with your rival. Imagine that you are in a boxing ring punching your adversary in the face. Clench your fists and move them with each blow as you live the fight in your mind’s eye. Keep breathing forcefully in and out. Beat your rival repeatedly in the face while s/he becomes too weak to fight back. Tell yourself “The more I hit, the more I take my revenge; and the more I discharge my anger”. There ….. you get more and more relaxed as your opponent finally totter and crumple to the ground. You feel all too exhausted from this anger display and release. Down your opponent goes, but up goes your sense of victory. Tell yourself: “I win! I win you #@#*! And I am very satisfied and relaxed now” Relive the moments of triumph. Change scene and contemplate further solutions to handling your situation. You’ll find plenty now that you are more empowered. Repeat the punching and winning with every option you consider. This will further release any residue frustration.

Some final tips: In considering the scenario of your confrontation, you need to have a bird’s eye view of the whole picture. Now that you got your revenge, attempt to see the situation from your opponent’s perspective, attack the problem not the person, talk about how “you feel” and what it means to you, address multiple solutions, and find middle grounds of agreement (i.e. negotiate to make it a win-win situation). Careful planning of how you handle the situation can make all the difference. Just like you won that imaginary boxing fight in that ring, you can win gracefully in reality. You have equipped yourself with a clearer vision. You would have contained your anger for a while, found a healthier way to vent it out, and planned well your battle. And it’s not whether you can contain your anger or not. It’s whether you want to. And you’d want to remain in control until you mobilize your inner resources, right? You need to turn things round for your own benefit, don’t you?

How Can NLP Improve Your Life?

Many still don’t know what Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is, or for what purposes it is used. NLP is a very broad field and tends to be linked to many concepts and various settings. Despite the numerous long definitions, I like to think of it as a “pool of tools” to bring more life fulfillment. NLP stipulates that our habitual patterns (mental or behavioral) are highly linked to our neurology; hence, create our habits and programmed responses. Its techniques instill new neurological patterns to replace unhelpful thought or behavioral process; thus, reprogram “the willing to change person” to be more empowered and efficient. It, also, relies heavily on the use of language and this is when it becomes all too therapeutic. Language can trigger a shift in thinking; hence, behavioral change. The proper use of language, also, facilitates more effective communication with people we want to have a positive influence on.

As an NLP practitioner, how can I possibly help you implement positive changes? And in which life areas can we apply NLP techniques? The use of NLP spreads to effectively dealing with dissatisfaction in many areas of day to day living. The procedures work only if one is really motivated to make the changes and expends the proper and required effort. Most techniques involve visualization giving this free reign at times, and controlling it at others. The following are only a few examples targeting specific areas of concern you may encounter:

- Like to dislike: Change something you like or desire to something you don’t like (or vice versa). For instance, you have the continuous urge to eating chocolate, but you know it negatively affects your health (e.g. being over-weight or having high cholesterol levels). Broccoli is one vegetable that is very healthy, but many dislike it. Both patterns can be changed in few minutes through a simple exercise of visualization.
- Change a limiting belief: If you have a limiting belief (e.g. I’m not good enough) that cripples your actions or decision making abilities, a similar exercise can be undertaken. A more empowering belief can be substituted in no time. The technique can help you deal with issues of low self-esteem, hesitation, lack of control, etc….
- Eliminate contextualized habits through the swish pattern: create a substitute action for a habit you want to get rid of (e.g. nail biting, grabbing a chocolate bar after dinner,….). Only habits that are relevant to specific contexts can be eliminated through the swish pattern, not more general ones (e.g. smoking may require a different tool). It also makes use of visualization and an alternative action needs to be well thought of.
- Putting yourself in a resourceful state: This could be used for particular situations when someone needs to feel more empowered, relaxed, happy, or confident – to name a few (e.g. presenting to a large audience). We work on creating an anchor (e.g. an action like pressing your own knuckle) that fires up the desired state when needed.
- Dealing with major negative emotional events: Past traumas and acquired phobias can be overcome through Time Line Therapy. It’s based on the idea that people have a Time Line in which life events (past and future) are organized. You are taken on an amazing mental trip during which memories just pop out there while you’re in a conscious state. Distressing memories are dealt with through letting go of the relevant emotional baggage, reflecting on the lessons learned, and detaching from the distressing event(s). Time Line Therapy can also be used to remove distressing memories all together, change memories, or even create future memories.
- Conflicting parts integration: It’s used whenever you have a conflict towards a specific issue. It could be inconsistencies in emotions towards something/someone, or a conflict in making a decision. The process is based on the idea that we have different parts within us and they all serve our best interest in becoming whole. This technique reduces the conflict among two opposing parts, integrates them into one, and a new state of “ease” is created.

NLP is used in psychotherapy and life coaching. These two areas capitalize on the proper use of language (with self and others) and use many techniques to help people overcome obstacles and limitations. Mastery in effective communication extends, also, to better outcomes in interrelationships and even the business setting. Hypnotherapy is another area that extensively utilizes NLP. Hypnosis deals with problematic behavior (i.e. phobias, anxieties, smoking cessation, insomnia, etc…) or to change negative mental patterns (i.e. low self-esteem, concentration, procrastination, etc….). It branches out as a leading “change” tool and relies heavily on the use of language that is most comprehensive to the unconscious mind.

Any certified NLP Practitioner can guide you through the processes of positive change. The practitioner acts as a facilitator of reprogramming the mind and behavior; the motivation to change and the effort rely on you. If you follow the steps proposed by the practitioner wholeheartedly, you will enjoy the transformation. The techniques are said to work like magic because they take very little time and the results are amazing. And best of all, it doesn’t have to be called therapy (if that makes you a bit reluctant). You won’t be labeled a patient. I’d like to think of it as “empowerment” to move forward. So go on, have a taste of NLP. You do want to improve your life in more than one area, don’t you?

People Are Like Coins

During my training as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming practitioner, I was asked with my peers to think of some metaphors to share. Metaphors are stories – imagined or real – that carry implicit meaning and may carry several embedded messages. They are powerful in transforming how people think. Metaphors provoke a specific emotion and may be interpreted in different ways depending on what’s going on in the listener’s life at the time. Milton Erikson, a pioneer in hypnosis, made extensive use of metaphors with his clients and the results were always amazing. That is because metaphors work at both the conscious and the unconscious levels. Consciously, one would come up with a somewhat clear conclusion. The unconscious mind, on the other hand, loves to work out symbols. There’s new meaning derived inadvertently; and this creates a new behavioral change driver.

I pondered about the message I wanted to instill for that specific exercise. Then, I thought that I might as well relay my life philosophy about the essence of human nature. That’s a perspective many may disagree with, but that’s the purpose of metaphors after all: to make a shift in thinking. You see, I always thought that people are like monetary coins. They are produced in different shapes, sizes, and colors. Coins always have two faces and carry different themes, pictures, and designs. When they are first put into circulation, they are marvelously shiny and new. Some coins rotate within confined territories; others travel long distances. And still others remain locked behind closed doors. Coins belong to one country or another. They all have worth and that can be relevant to those who hold them. They are there to serve or be used in varying degrees. With time, many eventually become really dirty, tainted, lose their shine, or merely damaged. The writings or design on some coins may slightly fade. It all depends on how these coins spent their life time. It all depends on whether they are in the right hands or not.

That’s all too common knowledge you might think, so what’s new? The most interesting aspect about coins, I find, is their true core. The idea dawned on me some time ago when I was handed a rusted coin. I could barely make sense of the writing or design on it. Curious as always, I wanted to discover what’s behind the rust. What signs does that coin carry? To find out, I thought I might as well polish it, so I did. It was challenging to unleash what’s behind the accumulated corrosion. It took me a lot of time and effort. I knew that behind the rust, I’ll find an attractive design. I knew if I worked hard enough, I could make it shine again. And I did restore that shine; and I did reach to its spectacular core. There it was: the fundamental nature of that coin can be restored if we just remove the surface rust. Coins are beautiful at heart.

We can do a lot to remedy the mishandlings of coins in circulation. Some are easier than others. It would be really exigent to restore damaged, dented, or faded coins. These require more drastic interventions and more people to help out, but it certainly is doable to repair any mishap. Now, I am in the coin-polishing business, but I use all sorts of techniques and skills to refine my practice. So go on….. Give me more coins to handle. Let me restore their shine……

P.S. Let your mind wonder some more on this one (there are many implicit messages there)…..

I Have Grown Antennae: Trusting That Gut Feeling

It’s weird, but lately I did observe my antennae growing. They are not visible to any eye (not even mine), but I can feel them. You have these too; only they do not resemble what you might first picture. I am referring here to those “gut feelings” or “implicit knowledge” about things that bubble up inside us. Many times we just don’t trust these and, instead, choose to disregard. We start giving reasons, analyzing logically, and sometimes hoping that things will be what we expect, or want. Our judgments rely so much on the apparent and we get so engrossed with conscious scrutiny that we block the “little voice” inside our head saying “Hey…wait….!!!”Happens all the time, doesn’t it? Well…. I am learning to listen to that “little voice” and give it the consideration it deserves.

To demonstrate: Recall a time when you were having a conversation with someone and then you split, and went in different directions. You may then find yourself in a bad mood (or a good mood). What happens here is that if you think hard about it you can’t pinpoint the real reasons for the mood change. You just have a bad/good feeling about the whole meeting with that person. Actually your antennae picked up how that conversation went; and it’s all stored there at the back of your mind (your unconscious mind). It knows the reasons. It could be one remark or other subtleties in behavior, posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice. You just didn’t pay attention, but that radar in you did detect it. That is why it precipitated into having that bad/good feeling.

Take another example: you’re facing a quandary and need to make a decision. You contemplate the facts to the nth degree, mill about it, exhaust the statistics, and list down the cons and pros of the whole situation. Okay done, I’ll do “this”, you reason. But when you do decide, you find that something inside you isn’t quite approving. Despite the well-formulated assessment, that “little voice” says take “that” other option. This happens because your antennae know more than you consciously are aware of. You did miss some important information to base your decision on, but that gut feeling knows better.

And… another example: you know someone – a friend let’s say (could be a potential lover). You spend good times together and enjoy yourselves to the max. You bond and your chemistries combine into a fine relationship. Your new friend may appear very loving telling you things you’re thirsty to hear. Still sometimes you sense things in your friend’s behavior that contradict what s/he declares openly. Something makes you feel disgruntled, but you can’t pin point why. You deny and refuse to believe your analyses because you’d want to maintain good faith in how your relationship is going. You resist that “gut feeling” despite knowing it has the big picture. You don’t want to lose your new friend. And then your friend clearly messes things up and this is when you say “I knew it all along, but I just ignored it at the time”; and then you start whipping yourself.

I am sure you can think of many more examples. Sometimes we look too closely at things when all we need to do is just “feel”. It’s been repeatedly documented that our attention is very limited and we cannot pick up consciously on all the sensory information we’re bombarded with. We notice only a few, but the rest is perceived by those antennae (at the back of our mind). All the surplus information that we cannot register is kept there in store. That information builds up inside and create that “gut feeling” in your stomach, the unease, or the “having a good feeling about it” phenomena you always experience. So learn to grow your antennae further and resist sliding into oblivion. Trust and embrace that “little voice” when you hear it. It has more information than you can think of…..

Waiting Out The Storm

“To fight the storm may not be the wisest decision and by no means is it surrender when you wait it out” so I told myself just recently. That’s how I self-pacified as I found myself battling external forces beyond my control. You see, I am a “big picture” person who’s also a fan of goal setting. I get to achieve a lot by designing baby steps to reach my final objectives. I had earlier formulated some plans to grow professionally during the summer. Lo and behold, those plans were consistently obstructed; thus, got detoured. I was thrown off balance as I found myself drowning in arranging outings for the kids, meeting up with friends who came to visit from abroad, and getting involved in numerous other social obligations that usually intensify during the season. There I was involved in the plans of others; not my own. I was fighting and resisting just keeping up with meeting my own deadlines. It felt as if I was struggling in a storm of opposing forces pushing and pulling me astray. The fight drained all my energy; thus, leading me to feel entirely frustrated.

I had to step back and revisit my agenda. It makes no sense to keep grappling for something at the expense of other equally important endeavors. It’s futile to expend all that effort and choke under my own pressure when it’s not the right time. It’s brilliant that I aim for the stars, but so what if I miss. I can still hit the moon and then aim at the stars again. Why would I need to be too dogmatic and strictly abide by any schedule when there’s a need to pause for a reality check? Why not reorganize and reassess my agenda? When the circumstances are all too powerful, flexibility is a sign of strength, not surrender, isn’t it? All storms in due course subside; and the sun shines again. I can then easily swift into my routines and stay on track of plans. I’ll have to be content with whatever I can achieve when the surrounding conditions are beyond my control.

When you think about it, this resolution can be generalized to many other life situations we face. If we consider implementing most decision, good timing is a highly contributing factor to their success. For instance, would it be a good idea to approach a fumingly angry person for a favor? Consider your desire to quit your job amidst unemployment. Would it be the best idea if that job supported your living expenses at the time? You certainly would not leave on your arranged vacation if your best friend just got devastated at losing a loved one, would you? As long as we maintain a clear picture of what needs to be done and don’t defer it repeatedly on our agenda, rescheduling is more sensible when the going gets tough. It does not imply ditching our aspirations, nor does it mean we lost the battle. We just wait for better moments in time to carry out certain choices. Again, “To fight the storm may not be the wisest decision and by no means is it surrender when you wait it out. Action is best during the right climates.” ~ 3Ds

Talk To The Chair!!!!

Doesn’t it just irritate you when you try to make a point to someone and all your arguments fall on deaf ears? You feel so un-listened to and some, in a humorous way, would even tell you: “Talk to the hand” as you advise, give your point of view, or otherwise. Many relationship problems quickly soar when one or both parties would not listen well enough. It happens all the time between friends, parents and their children, husband and wife, and even colleagues at the workplace. Each would be engaged in mental rehearsals of certain arguments to shoot on when the other person pauses. The end result is grave misunderstandings, anger, resentment, or anguish especially if the issue being discussed is rather serious.

What we need to pay attention to is that despite differing in opinion, there’s a kernel of truth in both party’s point of view. One that seeps unnoticed or remains invalidated during discussions. The ineffective communication may reach a deadlock and naturally frustration can ensue. Many scenarios may follow: the infamous silent treatment, escalated conflict, or other drastic negative measures undertaken by either party. So how are we to effectively deal with all the negative feelings before things compound to that extent?

Instead of “talking to the hand”, in therapy, there is a procedure called talk to “the empty chair”. It is used to soften the client’s anger or resentment towards the stressor (i.e. source of stress). Anyone can use it when there is disagreement to gain clarity, alleviate the grudges, and modify off-putting behavior. Try it yourself if you may. Simply, all you need to do is sit in a room and face an empty chair. Imagine that the person you have a disagreement with is sitting on that chair. The baggage you have has to be unloaded; the rage needs to be released. Tell that person your point of view all over again. Let it all out. Don’t leave anything unsaid (even it was harsh). You don’t need to act out your anger. Say things in a calm manner as if trying to persuade that person once more. Experience the feelings you have. Make your conversation as detailed as possible. This process will help you understand yourself and your attitude better.

When you’re done, switch chairs: sit in that empty chair and face the seat you were sitting in. Now imagine that you are that person and start replying in that person’s logic to your previous conversation. See the situation in that person’s eyes; use the reasoning that person has. Exhaust all the arguments that s/he would want to say in response. Similarly, engage that person’s feelings, and fully express his/her point of view taking all the time necessary to gain clarity. Find if there is any good or bad will, reasons, ignorance, or shortcomings. Acknowledge out loud all these on behalf of the person.

You, lastly, need to change seats again. This time, choose a new seat; different than the first two. Take on the role of an observer and start recalling the previous two conversations. What would an observer say about those interactions; and how can the two points of view be reconciled? Give advice on how better to handle the disagreement/situation. Do the best you can to be objective. It can be difficult, but doable.

Finally, go back to your original seat and face that empty chair again. Start arguing about your point of view. You’ll find that it comes with less intense negative emotions. There still is disagreement, but trust that next time you converse with that person for real, the flow of the conversation will be much different, less intense, and more understanding. You were in his/her shoes and will be better prepared, more convincing, and more in control to handle the opposing arguments.

One more tip on how to crown your point of view with success: persuasion works best when you start off with the other’s point of view (and after that exercise, you know it really well). Say first what they would normally say, and then refute it. This is how you get the other party’s attention. They get to really listen when they hear their own logic to; then slide in your point of view. Eventually you’ll find that instead of being given the “talk to the hand”, your chances to score rise drastically. So next time you disagree with someone, and you really want to win, why not go “talk to the chair” first?

Tearing Out Pages from Your Life Book

During my recent hypnotherapy practicum, one particular tool (more like a metaphor) drew my attention. It was in line with my future book project on “Coping with Realities”. The tool was an aid to deal with past painful emotions or memories. If not properly dealt with, these become heavy baggage with a grave negative impact on one’s personality, emotions, and behavior. The general gist of such a hypnotic exercise is to bring awareness that whatever already passed is past; and cannot be changed. What we can certainly change is what we can do now. The exercise works best if you are a visual person and have the ability to imagine taking a trip through your mind’s eye into the unconscious mind. A hypnotist can guide you through, but you can also do it alone. It goes something like this:

Take some time to relax a bit, relax, yes, breath, relax, more and more…..
Close your eyes, and then imagine you could scan the inside of your mind. You’ll have all sorts of ideas that flow in and out; come to the spotlight then fade. That’s your conscious mind. It has only a limited amount of information lying in your immediate awareness. Scan your mind further. You’ll find a corridor leading to a closed door; one that only you have the key for. As you open that door, you’ll find a big dark room. You can barely see that its walls look like a vast library with books arranged all over. You can smell antiquity in that room. You can hear very faint voices from your past echoing. You feel cool in that room; not cold, not hot. Look around. That’s your unconscious mind. It’s your whole life kept in record in there; organized perfectly in order. You can hardly remember all the details each small book has, but in these, all your past experiences are documented. These have shaped your present automatic habits of thought, behavior, feeling, skills, reactions and even your perception. All constitute your implicit knowledge. Whatever you’ve learned in the past was largely at this unconscious level. Your unconscious mind is very secretive (it wouldn’t easily disclose the books to your conscious mind; hence, the locked door). It is also very clever at disguising and distorting many experiences (especially traumatic ones). You can, nonetheless, access all this data; albeit, with some difficulty.

Keep imagining…. There’s a long reclining chair in that room. Next to it, a big hard cover book rests on a side table. That’s the summary book of all your life experiences. It includes all past episodes assembled in chapters. Lie down on that chair. Hold that book and look inside. Flip through those pages. What do you see? Some pages are probably colorful carrying many wonderful memories. Others are dark and gloomy involving hurtful experiences. Pause a bit on those. Do you really need to leave those dark pages in there? They spoil the whole book of your life. You’d rather have it all colorful, don’t you? They’ve had their negative impact, but that’s long gone now. Look thoroughly for these episodes and decide that you don’t want to see them as part of your life any longer. Let’s tear out those pages! Yes, each and every one of them. Do it with force! Are you through? Your book is missing some pages now, but you have many more white pages to fill with colorful bright images and memories from now on. Wouldn’t you want to do that? Close that book now and carry those torn pages as you walk out of that room. Lock the door and choose to dispose of these in the closest recycle bin you can see in your mind’s eye. Come back from your short journey to where you are now gradually. Slowly open your eyes. You’re fully alert at this moment and feel fantabulous in every possible way, aren’t you?

There….. If you follow these steps while taking your time, I bet it brings you much relief and drastic life changes. This is how you deal with harsh realities that are past and gone. You can’t change these, but you can eliminate their negative impact by dragging them out of that store. They don’t need to define your life. You choose to let these go and free yourself by forgiving. Look at you! You have reassumed control over your life course at present. No such past episodes matter any longer. Your unconscious mind wants to be your best ally; befriend it. It’s only the vast library that helps you easily act, feel, perceive, and react. How else do you think you learn? When what you learn sabotages your growth, revisit your unconscious mind and do what’s necessary to remove that imprint from your life book. Tear out those dark pages. What’s important now is to author the rest of the blank pages with only good memories and bright colors….

Voila…. Just by reading this, you have indulged in some sort of self-hypnosis :) and if you had let yourself imagine the whole scenario, it would have definitely put you in a more empowered mind set :)

Your Attention, Please!

I always looked forward to celebrating my birthday; and just last week I did (Yay!!! I am one year wiser!). What I like most about my birthday anniversary is the sing-song like excessive attention I receive – one that stretches a few more days many times. Family members recall and make the effort. Very dear friends call, send messages, and write on my Facebook wall. It feels so darn good to wear the crown and be in the spotlight. Give it a few days and that attention levels off again, but so what? It surely makes a lot of difference on that exceptional day; even if it was for just one day. Get that sort of attention every day and it will have a counter effect akin to what celebrity figures suffer.

Most of us crave attention; yet, we give and receive it sparingly. Do we have to wait for occasions to provide others with such a positively mood altering doze? Think of those people you love to associate with. Aren’t they the ones who are most attentive to you? Those skilled communicators you admire; aren’t they those who make you feel really engaged? They look you straight in the eyes as you speak and their gaze shoots very deep that you feel the connection touching your very soul (it sometimes gives you the creeps). Among the crowd, they address you by name to relay the message that “you’re not just a number”. You’re gently forced in sync to any point they relate. Compare how you feel then, with what conjures up when someone is only partially involved in your conversation - being too busy with his/her mobile (answering messages or emails) for instance. What a disappointment that would be especially if you were the only two out there.

Almost everything in life responds positively when given sufficient attention (e.g. plants, work/business, pets) especially us, humans. It’s an energizing force that triggers a host of positive emotions; and has a spillover effect in different walks of life. It embeds a lot of meaning: care, respect, responsiveness, love, appreciation, presence, and the like. Get deprived of it, or lose it, and a state of distress precipitates. It may transform into jealousy, anger, de-motivation, sadness, or feelings of ostracism. No wonder we witness people retaliating, siblings engage in rivalry battles, marriages collapsing, employees becoming less productive, and friendships breaking-up. I am not suggesting we overwhelm others with too much attention. That sort of obsession-like focus can lead to similar problematic byproducts.

But is it easy to provide others with our undivided attention all the time? By no means is it that simple. We come equipped with limited attention spans and are easily distracted. But at least we can train ourselves to be fully there in our interactions. Be aware of what others are saying (and even not saying). Many of us filter out all sorts of sensory information – especially listening - as others try to make a point. We engage in mentally preparing our arguments instead. We fail to consider that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason: to listen more than we speak.

What about the targets needing our attention? Can we possibly be fully attentive to all people we know? Again, our mental and time resources are limited. We can’t but be selective and prioritize as to who deserves our attention most. Never mind those with sufficient support. They may be saturated enough to develop a flight reaction. Clearly, people dear to our hearts come first; others who appear to be receiving little attention come second. They do need that extra push. It’s worthwhile to seek them out if you’d like to make a difference. You might just be their catalyst for positive life changes. Your life must have been de-toured by someone else somehow. Wouldn’t you like to leave a fine mark in somebody else’s journey?

The Omnipotence of Self-talk

As you read these lines, don’t you hear your own voice in a whisper like tone echoing behind your eyeballs? Most probably you do; and it is not deliberate. You’re always engaged in self-talk and despite this being a characteristic of your mental chatter, you seldom monitor it or pay attention to. This is the way you think. That voice creates your inner idiosyncratic world; so private no one knows what’s going on in there.

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU READ THESE LINES NOW?? WITH ALL THE LETTERS WRITTEN IN CAPITALS?? DID THE TONE OF THAT VOICE INCREASE IN VOLUME SOMEHOW? I bet it did. The tone of your self-talk changes volume all the time. Similarly, the type of language you use varies. Like it or not, your mind is constantly buzzing with thoughts and ideas. Your internal dialogue is quite a phenomenon of the mind; however, it is a double edged sword. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It steers your emotions and is the commander in chief of your behavior. Let me elaborate.

Think for a moment about a time when you did a grave mistake. Did you drone in endless self-reprimand? Did your self-talk resemble barking orders at yourself like an angry mother whose child had just dreadfully misbehaved? What sort of language did you use? How did that make you feel? Guilty as hell, right? Words like “Shame on you” and other inflammatory accusations could ignite a sense of being a failure. Invective language can swallow your self-esteem. How can you later be confident in anything you do? This activates a cycle of hesitation and inadequacy in dealing with the new.

Now, can you recall a time when you applauded yourself on a job well done? You probably used affirmative language recounted in the sweetest cheerful, even, sexiest tone ever. Your positive self-talk compounded your feelings of triumph till you were full to the brim. This process may have sent waves of euphoria to the rest of your body till you were ecstatically numb. And what a feeling! What a state to experience! It gives you an impetus towards further action. Now you’re full of yourself; more confident in doing the right things.

These are but few examples to demonstrate the influence of your inner voice on your feelings. Your emotions are so tied up to your self-talk; and consequently so are your actions. You not only engage in external battles with opponents or situations; you top it up by internal mental battles between thoughts that may sway you in disperse directions. There’s a dialogue running in your head constantly and it ranges from minor assessments of what you or others do, to making all sorts of decisions. You internally speak the ideas roaming in your head. You tell yourself what to do or how to do it. Your internal dialogue can focus your attention narrowly or makes you open to a world of new possibilities. It can cripple you dead, or serve you well.

Your self-talk makes you an almighty human being. Change your inner dialogue when you’re feeling down and your mood changes. To err is human, but you don’t need to keep whipping yourself for something past and done. “Note taken, I’ll learn from it” and then move on….. If you aspired to keep empowering yourself, you need to be a master of your thoughts. Change your language and be gentle with yourselves before your self-criticism escalates into self-destruction. And when negative self-talk seeps in, refuse to empower it by denying it further energy. Stop, and change that detrimental chitchat.

If you hadn’t before, start paying attention to that inner voice of yours. Befriend it and use it as a tool to appease you, guide you, and pull you towards progress. After all, self-hypnosis lies squarely on such self-talk. It’s what you want to become that you tell yourself. It’s the new “to be created you” that you converse about. And you don’t have to be hypnotizing yourself to change your inner language to affirmative statements. Just practice positive self-talk until it becomes an iron-clad ritual that works for you: not against you.

Nourishing the Poet in Me

The old adage is true: “Whatever you focus on expands…” You keep thinking in negative terms and these surely become beefier and compound. You put the spotlight on one direction and it’s a sure way to discover the multi-paths to be there. A lot has been said about the effects of what you feed your mind with as steering your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I experience this all the time and have countless examples.

This philosophy is particularly interesting to me now as I found myself putting my “poet hat” on after reading some poetry lately. A precious friend of mine gave me a book of poems he authored some time back. I became engrossed and totally relished in reading each piece. I re-lived his moments of both joy and despair. That book - a simple gesture - flooded my mind with a whole barrage of whammed emotions and ideas. They stirred up a long forgotten poet residing in me. It was as if someone has pressed my “hot button” on. That book was a “sign”; and doesn’t the universe keep sending a myriad of these all the time!

I regressed back in seasons when I used to express myself in poems. How can the seeds not sprout this time? They were being re-fertilized and nourished. My mind was fed with super sensitivity, proper articulation, lots of metaphors, and with musical rhymes. I was compelled to express myself as he did (probably not as well, but it’s a good re-start). I am sharing a piece I wrote here as (maybe) part of the “forward” of my book - in progress - on “Coping with Realities”. I thank my friend for feeding my mind with things I have a potential for. I hope one day I similarly nourish the mind of my readers with means to better remain in control of their lives.

Here it goes:

Life is so fascinating, so I thought when I was a child
Orchestrated around love, play, wonders, dreams and delight
Then, with time, things changed and complexity piled
I became all too cynical bewildered and resisting in plight

Told myself, don’t take flight, young lady, stand up right
There is more to it… at the end of the tunnel, there is light
You’ll comprehend how it goes one day, I promised
But gray areas were everywhere, there were no black or white

Till now, most apparent truths seem far from real
Life throws many ordeals that perplexity incite
Growth of wisdom and strength these conceal
It keeps getting better and better, at each I recite

As a child, little I understood about life’s technicalities
Days pass by, each bringing new thought provoking insight
Grew up to cope and deal with hard earned realities
As an adult, today, about these I am passionate to write

Life is not meant to be fathomed by the best trained mind
My innocent hunch way younger, now I see just as right
Keep looking for the bright side and overcome being blind
It’s all about turning gold whatever you encounter at first sight


For me, that’s not a bad start. And who knows maybe that was just the beginning of yet another ride? :)

Enjoy the Price Tag of Success: Keep Raising The Bar

“Success”…. Big word …. It can connote minor achievements like eliminating a bad habit, finding the right career, or even working out a good relationship to victory or recognition in a broader sense. It is true success can be a twist of fate sometimes, but mostly it characterizes the hardy ones. Those who plan, persist, take action, are focused, and constantly revise and ameliorate their strategies. It is a culmination of passion to what is being done. It typifies those who are determined to run the extra mile; those who endure the hardship and surpass the challenges. They resist being sidelined and refuse to live on the margins. They’re out there on a mission; determined to make a difference. And when they do claw their way to the top, it feels so good, but could it come at no repercussions? Probably not…..

You see, there’s a high price for success (a downside) despite its entire lure. To make it, the hard work entails incurring a physical tax and some psychological drainage. This is one reason why many would want to “play it safe” and not engage in the battle. Let’s consider those who become really noticed (i.e. prominent figures in their field, celebrities, etc…). They eventually become a smoking hot topic in circulation. They are either admired (by the mature), or resented (by the jealous). The latter category represents an additional toll. Successful people raise the bar; hence, become easy targets of envy, attacks, and undermining. If others are unable/don’t want to catch up with similar standards, they downplay the successful achievement by ignoring, searching for pitfalls and flaws, or vilifying. Those are considered the typical “kill-joy”.

Does that mean you give up attempts to thrive (even at minor matters)? Avoid all these costs? “To fly we have to have resistance” Maya Lin once said. Expect the “price tag” and along the way, take care not fall off the cliff edge. Keep in mind 3 detrimental expenses that can befall the unwary heading the path of great accomplishments: your relationships, your health, and your sanity:

- Your relationships: Embrace those who admire you and don’t drift by deceit or arrogance. They look up to you as a leading example. Deal with those who envy you. Either ignore them as the nuisances coming with the new package, or team them up on your side. You can transform the battle from being combative to more cooperative strata.

- Your health: Monitor your physical health routinely (take time to refuel). Too much hard work and focus can make you lose sight of bodily symptoms warnings. You need to intermittently fan the flames of your passion; and this only works if you’re physically fit to endure the battle. When signs of “strain” are not attended to, it can result in “burn-out”.

- Your sanity: Above all keep your sanity in check. Emotional exhaustion from leading the battle can bleed you dry. You feel you want to chisel your success in stone, but fear of losing the achievement can enslave you; and the constant attacks can get to you. Resist attempts at isolation to escape it all. Expect, analyze, and arm yourself with insight at how things go and how best to cope. Make time for enjoyable activities and ask for a laugh here or there.

Lastly, with the above in mind, you don’t need to stay standing at the edge of life just because there’s a price tag to succeeding. Re-interpret the price of success from “paying” or “enduring” to “enjoying” the ride. The attraction is still out there. It still brings you a lot of satisfaction and admiration by the mature type. You’re a role model, an inspiration and a leader with many followers. Hard work cannot seep unnoticed. Yes…. Be there…. Illicit a “WOW! I want to be like that!” Keep raising the bar. And remember: “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.” ~ David Brinkley. So, where do you want to make your mark?

The Perfect Escape

See that picture up there? This is where I am yearning to be. I usually don’t publish posts that I write during my weak moments. But I have few readers anyway:). To those I say: I am dreaming of this perfect escape. You see, I am human; and I perfectly understand that the good and the “not so good” people abound around. It’s expected…. Still, it bugs me to know that people try to take advantage whenever they can. Many would equate kindness with stupidity; and others would lie to my face as if I wouldn’t know. I can’t change these people though I do my best to draw the line. Many would persist and this frustrates me even more. I find myself dealing with others who are on a totally different wave-length.

I realize that there’s little I can I still do (I am assertive, but not aggressive). I can only change the way I feel about all this. This is why I need to plan the perfect escape. Somewhere I can reorganize my thoughts, feed my mind, and detoxify. That picture is the ideal place for me to be with myself (I could be very good company for myself you know). If that place is not accessible, I’ll settle for something similar (and I always get very close); and if that is equally not possible, I’ll dream it. In any case, I need some space. There it goes…. My thoughts out loud about the harsh truth…. No editing this time :)

Go Ahead, Blame it on “NO Time”

How often do you hear people saying “I don’t have the time to do this or that…”. If we scrutinize the idea of lacking the time, more often than not, it’s just tossing around an excuse to escape doing something. In reality, we are not MOTIVATED enough to make the time for it. We inadvertently scan the significance of our actions as we decide if something is worth attending to, or not. What’s the alternative? How important is it? Is it a priority? Is it my sole responsibility? What’s the yield for me? Can someone else do this instead? We are in a race against time and it’s enough that much of it gets devoured by external forces. We are taunted and goaded into action by duties and obligations, so we’d rather be very selective in spending whatever time is left for us (rightly so); thus, relegate many things to the periphery of “no time to deal with it.”

The main concern arises when we succumb to habitual patterns of not doing, and blame it on lacking the time. Take for instance the infamous argument of not having the time to exercise (hear it all the time, right?). How come those who have a serious ailment, and were advised that the best way out is to incorporate exercise in their routines, would miraculously fit it into their crowded schedules? They’d get up earlier in the morning, expend the extra effort after working hours, or even interrupt their day for a jog here or there. Look at how productive those working mothers are when compared to home-stay moms. They effectively manage their time and efficiently deploy their energies to make all ends meet. Aren’t you amazed by those who multi-task and are constantly fired up to self-improve? They jump from one thing to another, planning ahead, setting goals, and are in a relentless battle against inertia.

What makes those people different is their ability to CREATE the time even if it meant doing nothing more than recharging their batteries. They are more focused on what they want, make conscious choices, and are experts at time management. In the end, what we carry out expresses either our obligation or motivation. We can blame in-action on lacking the time, but the truth is we have ample time. Twenty four hours at our disposal; the week is abundant with another 168 hours; we can stretch it out further to count the hours per month, months, and even years. Go ahead, fool all others, sugar-coat the truth and beat around the bush, but at least let’s be frank with ourselves: Doing is an active choice. "It’s not about not having the time to do this or that; it’s about not being motivated enough to make the time to do this or that…” ~ 3Ds.

Stopping to Refuel!

I am currently running a three month Parental Coaching workshop that tackles various effective parenting skills to a group of mothers. The first session topic was devoted mainly to daily refueling (of course coupled with weekly special booster sessions). To overcome feeling inundated that comes with the package of being a parent, these mothers needed to know the necessity of recharging their batteries daily. Wouldn’t driving a car require you to stop for a refuel? Well, we do too; and that applies not just to parenting, but to all the endeavors we handle ranging from small daily routines to more demanding tasks.

The fast pace era we live in is moving at a dizzying speed. Many of us, and without notice, have this tendency to burn our body and mental fuel close to being empty. We assume that by sleeping we get that rest we need, but that only replenishes our physical drain. What about our depleted mental and emotional capacities. Think about it… how can you give what you don’t have (i.e. attention or love)? Only internal focus can project outwardly; only loving yourself builds your ability to love others…..

Refueling can take on different forms; and many satisfy it through different means (and maybe without a conscious thought). Here is what some efficient and productive people would do:

- Wake up early and have sometime alone: By far, this is the most effective method for a recharge. It helps you plan the day ahead and become focused on what to resolve. A fifteen minutes time alone can help you take stock of your direction.
- Incorporate exercise in your routines: Exercise has a magical effect on your mood over and above your physical health. One hour is equivalent to a “Prozac” pill and guarantees your ability to face the many challenges you might face.
- Give yourself sporadic space during the day: It doesn’t help so much to stay “on the go”. Pause a bit before jumping to that next meeting, or that next thing on your agenda. You need to be mentally prepared and focused especially when getting down to brass tacks.
- Treat yourself with occasional pampering: This is what I meant by weekly booster sessions. Where do you find yourself most relished? Do something off the usual routine. Something you really like, but can’t squeeze the time for daily. It could be getting a massage, watching a funny movie, or simply meeting a friend who makes you feel good about yourself.
- Plan a vacation: It keeps you going to know that you have an allotted lengthier space to catch your breath. “Dangle a carrot”, a big reward, for all you want to accomplish. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; just a plan to spend your time your own way…

There are many other simple and brief ways we can insert during the day like taking deep breaths, laugh about something, listening to music, taking a relaxing bath, etc…choices are varied if we just take time to find these. When you don’t stop to refuel, you’ll find yourself adrift in life and eventually will be dragging your heels whilst everything seemingly hitting the fan. You can become a nervous wreck, risk your health, and be a grump that no one tolerates. Don’t give in to that autopilot of yours. Take the lead and relax a bit. It’s an active choice. If you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you. So, what would be your favorite refueling method? Take the steps today without delay…..

Coaching Is Definitely Not Therapy!!

Many people still don’t know what coaching is. It is even often confused with therapy. Although there are many similarities between the two professions, they diverge in core ways. I, myself, practice both; and find myself switching in mentality and even posture when I wear my coaching hat on.

So how is coaching similar or different than therapy? Coaching and therapy are based on similar theoretical constructs and practitioner-client issues (e.g. one on-one on going confidential relationship). Masterful coaches use skills from solution-oriented therapy approaches, cognitive behavioral psychology, and recent advances in positive psychology. Like therapy, coaching belongs to the helping professions. It is based on effective listening, empathetic understanding, a sincere desire to assist the individuals feel better about themselves and their lives. They similarly implement a variety of tools and strategies to facilitate progress. In addition, both professions bring about positive behavioral change and help people understand how their emotional and cognitive reactions interfere with performance, personal effectiveness, and well being.

A key difference between the two professions is the time orientation. Coaching is more focused on the future; while therapy focuses on resolving past issues. One aims at discovery; the other aims at recovery. There are several other differences between both practices in terms of: focus of attention, level of activity, and type of conversation wit the clients. On one hand, the coaching process is characterized by a focus on strengths, goals, untapped potential, and on interactions that are more active, self-disclosing, and more tied to business and work objectives. On the other hand, the process in therapy is focused more on malfunctioning, deficits, and exploring feelings and emotional processing. The course is more like an undefined wandering progression of digging everywhere. Additionally, unlike therapy, coaching has looser boundaries with clients, more use of humor, and a less care-taker role.

There are also differences in the sessions’ setting and length. While sessions in coaching can be flexible in timing and include various means like the telephone, the internet, in person meeting, or through video-conferencing, therapy sessions are normally 50 minutes, face-to-face in the therapist’s office and only in emergencies over the phone. As for the training required for either profession, therapists undergo an extensive and demanding training typically far in excess of coach training.

Recently many therapists have incorporated coaching into their practice. The other way round can’t be true for coaches. It raises a “red flag” and coaches are advised to refer their clients to therapists when any signs of mental concerns are detected. It is beyond their professional ability to handle. Other therapists have abandoned their therapeutic role all together for coaching. This is because dealing with human suffering can be draining if the therapist does not take time to routinely self-energize. I wonder if with time I will end up making such a move despite my passion to be there for those who need help in any way. Only time can tell….

Do You Want FOCUS? Try The "Mini Hulk” Exercise!

It has been said that around 65,000 thoughts cross our minds daily. It is no wonder, then, that we find many ideas wondering about in our psyche each calling for attention. Some of these seep into conscious awareness and succeed in being recognized; others just creep up to the surface and then retreat unnoticed. Normally you wouldn’t mind it, but if you’re pressed with time to have a specific mental task done, you find that the more you toss away irrelevant thoughts, the more they forcefully fly back. What needs to take an hour, is now consuming two. You can’t concentrate and that gets you more inundated. You may have too many things on your plate and there’s no running away from multi-tasking. You keep thinking of the next things you need to be doing, but you still haven’t finished what you’re working on. Whether you’re down the wire, or not, it is total absorption in an endeavor that differentiates those who are efficient from those who are not. They have insurmountable “focus”; always at the heart of what they do. So how can stop this mental chatter?

Here is an exercise I offer my students to help them through the drudgery of studying for multiple exams. You can use it for any other time consuming project that necessitates you to be both fast yet efficient in your mental capacities. The exercise takes you about 8 to 10 minutes, but it could save you hours of inefficiency. I use the analogy of the well proclaimed “Incredible Hulk” hero. You might have read about him in the comic magazines, or seen the movie. It’s about this scientist who upon trying to experiment accidentally becomes subject to radiation. Eventually, whenever his body is highly aroused, he gradually transforms into a green hulk with omnipotent physical powers. You need to have such mental invincible powers that render you all-too focused. No distractions; only full mastery and time efficiency. Why not make time to play a bit before the hard work? Let’s start:

Sit in your work area and start visualizing that you are about to deploy and attract the entire world’s energy through the top of your head. That’s right…take it easy…. Focus… It’s all coming to you from different directions….pouring…. filling you up with green energy….That’s it…. You’re filling up from your toes, going up your legs, knees, thighs, up to your abdomen, chest, and spreading to your arms, hands, shoulders, neck, and up to your face. Your color has changed into green radiating energy and now you start transforming slowly…Each part of your body is growing and specifically your mind has doubled in size. It became immune to any noise’ and hears only the sound of your firm voice speaking affirmatively. Things like:
- I will start now on this task and will stop only when I consciously decide to.
- I have total focus on this and will be wading my way through with utmost energy.
- I have put away all distractions (my mobile, my computer, turned off the landline phone, etc…). So, my internal force is the guiding hub for action now.
- I will be doing a great job in having this done perfectly, in no time, and will have full mastery over this.

Tailor your self-talk to the specific task you’re handling and keep talking. Imagine further that you have shut the doors to any extraneous thoughts that do not serve what you’re working on. Are these doors locked? Look at you…..Now you are the “Mini Hulk” and you can have that full focus you need. You have gong-ho pace and kick-ass energy. Start working on what you set your mind on doing.

Take your time to do this mental exercise and then assess your focus. You’ll see the difference. You can also condition yourself to be in that state without taking those 8 – 10 minutes later on. In neuro-linguistic programming, it’s called “anchoring” yourself. That means, as you repeat the exercise a number of times, give yourself a pat on the shoulder at the end of each ritual (alternatively you can choose to say any word or statement you like; for instance I am a “Mini Hulk”). Simply associating that pat on the shoulder or that statement repeatedly at the end of the exercise would make a link in your mind. When you will it, and in no time at all, just give yourself that pat; and alone it would render you in that invincible state of focus without having to go through the process. It just needs some practice. Many of my students have implemented this exercise and reaped the benefits. Call it an investment. I call it a gift for all of you; would you turn it away?

How Am I Supposed to Handle “Hypocrites”?

You are, indeed, blessed when life hands you the right kind of supportive people who get you all enlightened, validated, or nourished. But, like it or not, you may bump repeatedly with mere hypocrites. If you’re the tough-minded type, you wouldn’t easily let them off the hook. You may openly defy their emotional blackmail and confront them with the truths you observe. But what happens if you’re the overly sensitive type. You abide by societal etiquettes that require you to continually swallow your observations? Your personal standards dictate gentle interpersonal dealings. You’d tell yourself: “let others discover the hypocrisy just as I did” (maybe let them quell the lies for you). But then what? It just irritates you that you have to keep tolerating the deceit. Hypocrites have been preying on my mind lately; and I am having difficulty dealing with them. I am just saddened by the idea of being lied to. I might as well write about it to gain some clarity. Maybe in the process I get to reduce their harrowing effects.

Let’s see: The dictionary defines a hypocrite as “a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives”. It’s not those diplomatic well-meaning people that will be referred to here; rather, the malicious type who continually live a big lie to portray a good image. They intentionally or not neglect to practice what they preach (i.e. their actions contradict their declared beliefs). They hide the truth for having motives that are either unappreciated by others (could be hidden agendas), or that they don’t feel so proud of to start with. It seems to me as if they underestimate that others are bright enough to figure out their pretense. They live by double standards; and to reduce their internal arising conflict, they cleverly self-rationalize this duality by providing all sorts of justifications. But, would this defense mechanism succeed in zeroing-out the precipitating imbalance? Would it eliminate the emerging inner anxiety? My belief is probably not. They will remain in an ongoing battle to protect their charade. I wonder if they get too drained to persist, or if they ever anticipate for the predictable moments of being discovered.

What about you at the receiving end of being bombarded with unsolicited lies? Our natural tendency is to start avoiding these people especially if honesty is a guiding cherished principal in our lives. As impractical as it is, some of these hypocrites are woven into your most intimate connections (i.e. could be family members, colleagues on the job, or even members of your own circle of acquaintances). By now, you know them too much; and when they get going with the “parade”, it feels to you that you want to grab out your daggers and stab their lies to death. But, no; the caring sensitive type can’t allow that. You resist the urge of descending to lower levels of dealing; you want to keep rising to higher standards of ethical conduct. To you, ignoring them might be the right thing to do; and how many times do we choke by having to do the “right thing”? Sometimes it sounds like too much pressure. Are you to lash out and bend your rules some time? Hmmmm! that seems tempting and you’ve got good reasons to do that. Gees! These people keep invading your territory. They walk all over you!

Giving it a good thought, I’m inclined to stick to my guns. They press my buttons, but let me keep doing what I believe as the “right thing”. Let me use some self-affirmations. Something like:
- Dania, wait! Suspend your judgment. Are you basing your observations on assumptions or on repeated and well demonstrated action / declared belief discrepancy? Re-visit your stance EVERY time.
- If I do find such discrepancy, understand well where it comes from. These people might just be covering up something embarrassing to protect you, others, or themselves. They could have good intentions after all, so keep your eyes open to find the good core in people (even in those hypocrites themselves).
- Don’t let their prevalence keep you on your toes when you deal with well-meaning others. The “good guys” and the “not so good guys” inspire us alike.
- Let’s keep our hopes high in their coming to terms with their true self. Life can be made much simpler if we just acted naturally.
- Let us tiptoe through the minefields of their insecurities and ignorance while being alert to not being coaxed into their hidden agendas.
- They are “small stuff”; let’s focus on more worthy pursuits.
- Let’s persevere in being sincere. Be the good example; maybe by observation they get that “wake-up” call.
- They are here to teach us a lesson. Think of many good reasons for why they exist in your life. Refine your life skills and exercise your patience.

It’s amazing how my disgust subsides as I state what I can do to manage their inevitable presence in my life. See, I can still disagree without being disagreeable. Eventually, these hypocrites will realize that the masks they wear are transparent and people can actually see through. Their masks wear out. If they don’t shape up, they will look around one day to find themselves living in total isolation. Give them ground to discover on their own the serenity of being true. Shrug it off! You can’t teach them. They’ll have to learn it on their own from you…..

Accepting Versus Resisting - Power Tool (2)

This is a continuation of my previous post on "Accepting versus Resisting" what we can not change. It's a great empowering tool to help you cope with your difficult life situations.

Topic 3. Accepting vs. Resisting the SELF
It’s true that we can do a lot to steer our life course and where we land. Still, we are deprived of choice in specific matters. Did you have a choice in being born a male or female? Or even in having the physical features you possess? We often see some individuals bending backwards trying hard to implement major changes on their looks. Sometimes it is doable, but comes to fruition only with great tolls. Self-acceptance refers to accepting one self with all its flaws (ranging from temperament, to genetic make-up, to who we truly are). When that is done, these flaws will start to diminish. We stop paying attention to them; hence, negative emotions would cease to surface. Nobody is perfect that’s for sure.

For instance, one might have a specific health concern. The label “sick” maybe too distressing to acknowledge, so one may start whining and complaining about that health concern as if “resisting” the idea will make it vanish. Only through “accepting” that condition and trying to surpass it will one cope better. Alternatively, one may ignore the whole “being sick” idea (another form of resistance). What happens is that one’s health condition gets exacerbated when left untreated. The more we embrace all parts of our being, the better we’ll feel about ourselves and the more we grow. When we resist having limitations (be it inborn or accrued over time), we find ourselves pushed too far into a deep abyss of exhaustion. We are far better off if we embrace the positive and let go of the negative. It has been said, “If life hands you lemon, make lemonade”. Work with what you’ve got. Capitalize on your strengths; you’ll find plenty to work with. Improve what you can, but don’t fall into frustration at deadlocks.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those aspects that you don’t appreciate about yourself?

2. Which of these can you change?

3. Which of these are impractical / impossible to change?

4. List at least five empowering reasons for accepting (rather than resisting) those aspects you cannot change.

Topic 4. Accepting vs. Resisting OTHERS

Relationships with other people are vital in our progress along life’s path. Close others can be our support system as we thrive and in times of misery. In some instances, these close others become our source of distress. It is very easy to eliminate an “emotional vampire” (i.e. someone who drains your energy) if s/he were not really meaningful in your life, or imposed on you. But we occasionally fall into the trap of trying to change others to better fit our expectations. We forget that it is not easy to change someone else; and that it is much easier to change how we react to another’s behavior.

For instance, you become upset at how your parent, your sibling, or your spouse constantly behaves. You start giving him/her all sorts of hints; and at times become just blatant and criticize at no avail. Truth is, your repeated attempts may create opposition and defensiveness; and the cycle of conflict escalates. The more you persist, the more they become stubborn and resist your attempts. Asses how you would feel if someone tried to change you? You probably would get hurt and create walls of protection. Surely, we cannot dispense with some people in our lives. We are better off at considering the whole package. “Accepting” these people for what they are and focusing on their assets generates far better interaction processes. You can pinpoint how you feel about it, but it is their choice to rectify or not.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those people who are indispensable in your life. Is there anyone of them in particular that you find difficulty tolerating / accommodating to?

2. If you answered “No”, you’re blessed. Count more blessings.

3. If you answered “Yes”,
a) List that person’s good qualities. Find as many as you can.
b) Can you accept that person with all his/her flows now?
c) While keeping his/her good qualities in the spot light, can you take that person’s behavior humorously for the coming week? See if all your interactions get lighter

Topic 5. Accepting vs. Resisting the HURT

As wonderful as it is, life can subject us to a variety of hurtful experiences. We can be targets to injustice, deceit, disappointments, insults, or misfortunes. It might give us the least we expect or deserve. These deleterious ordeals could range from painful childhood experiences, to experiencing infidelity in a relationship, to getting a demotion on the job, or other negative life situations. We unintentionally plunge into an emotional tail spin and experience feelings of anger, bitterness, or vengeance. The more we ruminate over the hurt, the more we prolong our distress and get swallowed up by our own distress. Sometimes, the more we try to save face or seek revenge, the more we get stuck at the mishap. We can surely get our chin high somewhere else. “Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why feed the turmoil inside?

If our negative emotions include another person, then forgive. So much has been said about the positive effects of forgiveness even if unsolicited. Forgiveness refers to accepting what had happened and deciding to let go of attempts to seek revenge. When we keep our resentment contained within us, we are keeping inside negative energy which feeds the suffering. Our pain, then, was inevitable. It’s our suffering that’s optional. The past hurt when fed can cloud our vision of the present or the future; and can deprive us of inner peace.

If our emotions involved a specific situation we were are still struggling with, sometimes it is best to just let go. Fight no more. Maya Angelou once said: “At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” We may be caught up in fighting too hard to eliminate the hurt caused by our life situations (we resist). We yearn to effect change when we can simply seek satisfaction elsewhere. Consider always: what’s the opportunity for me in there? Where else can I derive joy? It maybe too hard to extract yourself from some hurtful situation, but at least we can plan something to move gradually away from it. When no plan works, you can do the best you can to work within the confinements of that situation. Surely if you think hard enough, you can focus your thoughts on different aspects to compensate for your dissatisfaction. Transform the distress into motivation to excel at something else; move in a different direction.

Reflection and Application

1. Think of a specific life situation that has stirred your emotions negatively.

2. Are you willing to accept that it took place in the past and let go, or would you want to remain resisting that it happened?

Here’s a technique that can help you heal the hurt: Find the time to undergo a process of emotional healing. You may need an hour, 2, or even 3 hours to finish this exercise. Write about the distressing situation while focusing on how it made you feel. Include all the things that were not said and remain in your throat. Pour in all your emotions, your hurt, and your disappointment about it. Don’t leave anything out. If the hurt was caused by another person, address your writing to him/her. You’ll experience agitation as you do that. Get in touch with it. Name the emotions you are experiencing and reflect on how these were affecting your previous actions. When you’re done, burn that letter. As you watch those flames glow tell yourself: ‘This is one episode that is out of my system now. I won’t let it bother me anymore. It’s gone; finished. I will be indifferent to it from now on. It’s in the past; folded well. Now, I feel great, refreshed, and will resume a happier life.


Conclusion

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices” ~ Dr. Paul Tournier. We do need to be resilient in face of adversity. It serves us well to weigh the costs of fighting. It serves us well to know where we stand before moving forward. Much of what colors our perceptions is a creation of our own minds. Will you keep feeding your mind with handicapping thoughts, or will you empower yourself by opening up to healthier possibilities to grow? Your “call”....