Before I Sleep.....

As you rest your head on your pillow, what do you think about? Ever thought about what systematically goes on in your head then? What patterns of thinking usually surface? A while back, I tried to introspect & observe myself every night. Sometimes I would be too drained & would find myself transcending to that altered state of consciousness in seconds. At other times, I toss and turn. My thoughts would be racing in seemingly endless motion.

To start with, I love to sleep & always look forward to that special time with myself. When I don’t get enough sleep, my mood suffers; no matter how hard I try to make believe that it’s not. I engaged in a lot of self-talk in an attempt to train myself to live with only few hours of sleep. Soon, I’d say, I will have no choice & be put to permanent sleep involuntarily. It didn’t work. I’ve grown to accept the fact that my biological endowment requires me to have a good-night sleep. I just can’t help it. I need to change my belief that when I sleep, I am actually losing time in being more dynamic in other matters. My incessant passion to get things done was a major driving force. I need to slow that down. Let me go with the flow. Respect what my body needs, accept it, and enjoy it while I can.

So what happens as I lay there? Very interesting observations conjured up. It has been noted that in waking states we have around 60,000 thoughts each day. Some of these recur during the day more often than others. What I noticed was an extension of these thoughts as I hug my fluffy pillow & attempt to sleep. Flashbacks of what happened during the day emerge. These could be major or minor events. The flow of similar thought processes continues to include planning ahead: what I need to do tomorrow & how next day will look like. I guess that is common & automatic for most of us. What I noticed, also, is a tendency for my thoughts to be more random-like & mixed up as I fall into the actual sleep state. This is known as the “hypnagogic state” during which thoughts become dream-like and resemble hallucinations. It is followed sometimes by a feeling of a free-fall into a dark abyss. And that is often times associated by a jerky movement in bed as if resisting the fall. The whole thing is just the beginning of something like a trance.

Another observation is that whenever I am not soon enough in that “hypnagogic state”, it is sometimes because my inner ramblings are so charged, intense & fast. It is in such instances that I needed to resort to slowing them down. (I) (s t a r t) (t h i n k i n g) (s l o w l y ) (a b o u t) (a n y t h i n g) . . . . I also resort to imagining that abyss & that I have, in fact, started falling endlessly. I just attempt to dive in there. I even deliberately make my thoughts chaotic: think of mixed up events, people, or settings randomly. This would be enough to prepare me to transcend beyond wakefulness. These techniques work with me almost every time.

One last thing I promised myself to do a long time ago & before I sleep is a quick assessment of the day. I still do that. Was it a productive day? How can I improve on this or that? Am I a better person today? Did I positively influence anyone? Was I helpful today? Am I closer to my dreams and goals? What are today’s lessons? And so on…… These questions crossroads with the flashbacks I have about the day & the planning for the next. It is by far the most important thing I can do to conclude my day.

During all this process, many times, I like to design my own conscious dreams. I know some things are too far fetched to come into reality, but there’s no harm in imagining the impossible. For me, the sky is not the limit. Conscious dreams serve two purposes: they are an escape to the ideal world I yearn, and they are in the form of goals to fulfill. They are under my control & I can shape them the way I like. In the end, the process “before I sleep” undeniably turns out to be something I look forward to. It is so varied and so fascinating. Am I to blame, then, when I welcome having a good sleep? Putting my busy head to respite - my own way - is one thing I will forever cherish & enjoy. The involuntary dreams that follow are even a more captivating experience. I won’t whine, after all that, for sleeping as much as I do (mind you it’s not more than 8 hours of sleep per day) :).

Surprise!! Surprise!!

OK, it’s my birthday and this post seems a continuation of the latest one I wrote by mere coincidence, but I don’t believe in chance. It looks like festivity was already in the air. Two days before (what I consider) the big day I sat on my balcony over looking portions of the sea. It is my favorite spot ever; and I was immersed in deep thought about how another year folded. I have this tendency to engage in more prolonged assessments of how things are flowing in my life during such occasions. It’s been a week since I’ve been trying to reboot. I was waiting for Mama to pass by and give me something before I ran to the supermarket to fetch the long list of things we needed for the house.

I couldn’t initiate any major endeavor while I waited, so I further contemplated. I acknowledged myself for having achieved a lot since my last birthday: Maintaining my role as an influential member of my close and extended family, solid footsteps in the path of expanding my career from a psychology instructor to that of a certified life-coach, training in clinical therapy, and along the way, I have read numerous books, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and maintained the precious ones I have. I did my best to sculpt my own brand. I also encountered few mishaps that were successfully reframed as opportunities. These took the necessary time to process, accept, and are behind me now. I revisited my plans and priorities and was flexible enough in utilizing different strategies to overcoming obstacles. “Letting go” is one powerful lesson I learned during the past year. I couldn’t help but become aware of the fact that I am physically aging (although I feel really young in spirit). At 44, I really have to watch it. Then I stared setting my plan for the coming year. How can I further improve? Goal setting time….

Then the door bell rang, and Mama joined me in my favorite spot. Now my deliberation ended and we started our usual conversation about what she did, how I had been, etc… As my two dear kids came in and out repeatedly to join for few minutes, Mama and I exhausted our usual topics. She then started discussing politics when my Hubby (or Dad as I prefer to call him) came home and sat around with us. He declined my attempt to prepare him his usual dinner. Mama stayed there and I wondered “that’s unlike her? Dah!” She usually gives me my space and knew I had plans to go out fetch my list. I started becoming irritated when both of them decided to move inside watch the news. Great! Just what I need: being bombarded by negativity. I have abandoned that ritual, and would rather remain global when it comes to political knowledge. Out of courtesy to Mama, I didn’t even resort to my laptop to self-entertain while they both listened.

Then again, the door bell rang. I wondered who it could be; we weren’t expecting anyone in the evening. AND… it was the most brilliant surprise ever. My beloved ones started coming in one by one holding balloons, huge cake boxes, gift wraps,…shouting “SURPRISE!!” and singing the happy birthday song. My brother and his family; my mother and sister in law and her family, my cousins and their children….. I was startled and only replied “It’s not today. It’s not today!!” but couldn’t help but burst into laughter and disbelief. Soon, our living room was filled with around 20 happy cheerful faces. I look at each and every one of them and feel so much love. I feel loved. I feel special. I am in the spotlight. That’s nice for a change. It was an awesome surprise. One, I will never forget. I felt so happy; so blessed. I was jumping around with joy; kissing all opening my gifts; expressing my gratitude. Hubby made a lot of effort to coordinate. He went out of his way, as he had to leave on a business trip next day, so two days a head went well and indeed caught me off guard. That trip was meant to be. It gave a reason for an earlier celebration; and resulted in being a surprise in the full sense. It’s my kind of party. Thanks again Dad.

Celebrations make a difference…. In the past, I didn’t mind keeping a low profile about occasions although deep down I always yearned for something special. I guess I lowered my expectations with time since it really was hard to be innovative each year. Once we expect it each time, these things wouldn’t be labeled as “surprises” no more. I’ll settle for a “now and then” such festivity. “But, how am I going to celebrate next year” I asked Dad. I can’t ask for another one. Maybe I should do the planning. I have a tentative idea for now, hehehehe!!! It will be so different……