Will Someone Listen to Me?

A pre-requisite of my certification as a life and career coach was to have a coach myself for some time. There was a lot of value in that although initially I openly resisted the idea. I thought: “why would I need a coach when I already am so motivated, know exactly what I want, am setting big goals, and I am working at full speed to develop myself?” I have to be frank and admit that I WAS WRONG! Not only did that experience add to my learning and practice, it was indeed an eye-opener for many areas in my life. I thought I knew it all: I had clear self knowledge, I was doing what seemed to be the impossible to many, and I had a wide social support system. But, again, all these were not enough. I was too engrossed in my own life and failed to detect other possibilities and multiple other perspectives. My coach, then, did a wonderful job; alas, our contract came to an end.

Now-a-days, and during my gradual effort to gather other local practicing coaches to establish the Lebanese Coach Association, I had this amazing opportunity to meet and chat with other like-minded colleagues. One recurrent theme emerged from our dialogues. Even well-established successful and skilled coaches do in fact hire a personal coach. They make use of such a service to keep them focused and help them stretch their horizon further. It’s a luxury service only few choose to indulge in, or can afford. All those who walk the path of success, from celebrities to politicians, make use of the coaching service. Furthermore, how do you think they make it through the maintenance stage or shine even further?

The discussions with my colleagues made me go back in time to the days I was being coached. I do need someone to fully pay attention to what I am saying, widen my scope of perception, and make me feel that what I am doing matters. We all need to be listened to. I am doing most of the listening in both of my careers as a psychotherapist and a coach, but who’s there to lend an ear to my own concerns? OK, I have a lot of friends and my hubby does a lot of that. I always exchange thoughts and ideas with precious people in my life. But usually these conversations tend to be subjectively colored and the discourse drifts away from being listened to and back to my role as a listener. And at times, even those closest to me are simply too preoccupied, distracted, or uninterested in hearing me out. I need a third, somewhat, objective perspective; someone skilled in active listening to my true needs; someone I can trust will commit to being fully there for me (all the time).

I wonder what am I waiting for? That’s it! I am re-hiring a good coach!

Dealing with the “Culture of Time Neglect”

The other day, my daughter accused me of being the most impatient person she had ever known. I laughed, but later on contemplated her remark. There’s a kernel of truth in what she said. On several occasions, we’d be out together to get things done. We’d take appointments for different services, and when we end up having to wait, what seemed endlessly, I get up and excuse ourselves to leave. She would be so surprised and embarrassed, but to me, the idea of an appointment needs to serve both parties well. And yes, maybe I am impatient to wait too long past my allotted schedule, but patience is relative to my agenda. At times, I could be very tolerant (e.g. my personal goals), but I don’t appreciate others stealing my time. I would rather offer it willingly rather than be coerced into the “culture of time neglect”.

Yes, we are living in a culture where only a few are time efficient, wise, or are respectful of others’ time. I find myself organizing my life in a structured and systemic way to meet my daily targets. Being time lax has been woven into the fabric of my society. The trend observed is that of “Les homes chic sont toujours en retarde” (excuse my French). Arriving in late to social gathering became deliberate to reflect an image of being in high demand. I am not denying that sometimes we can truly be held back by emerging circumstances, but to adopt it as a life-style irritates me. Sadly, lateness is stretching to various professions and services to reflect some prestige. From repairmen, to bank clerks, to doctors, I feel constantly bombarded with messages that providing the service can wait; they are very busy people; I will have to wait. The truth is: I am as busy (if not more) and time is a precious scarce resource. My conception of time resonates so much with the words of Harvey Mc Kay “Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back”.

I can’t help but feel incongruent with those who take my time so lightly. But what can I do? Such mentality is all over the place. I take a firm standing when I can; yet, it’s beyond my capacity to change the whole world. Whenever the situation permits, at least I make a point and reproach that my time is not being respected. Until things change (and they will), I find myself trying to fit in or accommodate to the culture of time neglect. I can’t always retaliate, so I tolerate by being mentally and physically prepared for the “expected wait”. I became always equipped with a contingency plan for labile scheduling. My purse always includes a planner with ample free pages to scribble on; and a small sized interesting book to read in when there’s no way out but to comply and hang in there. I can say mantra, or engage in my deep breathing exercise. I reassume control by choosing to soothe myself that even that time waiting is still mine. I can spend it by being frustrated, or decide to use it as wisely and productively as I can :)

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that” (Baltasar Gracian).