“Digging Deep Within”: Too Scared to Look Inside?

Well, another academic semester has unfolded; and I can’t but reflect on my students who enrolled for the introduction to psychology course. For the past four months, we have examined the thinking processes and the motivating roots for human behavior. I am wondering how many students are now more invested in self-discovery and regulation? I planted seeds beyond course material and nourished these from time to time. Many resisted and their reactions ranged from having flat expressions on their faces to openly being sarcastic about my daring “calls”. Things seemed just too airy-fairy for their understanding. Others were more welcoming and those really motivated me to keep trying. I can’t know how many were responsive for sure, but I’m happy with just a few. Generally speaking, people differ in their willingness to “dig deep” and become more self-aware. And that is even more customary among the younger generation.

I must admit that it IS scary to look deep inside especially if the image is wishy-washy. But those who have the guts may alarm others as too freaky. That’s why sometimes the stereotypical image of a psychologist is that of a creepy mind-reader. They’re in their “mind-gym” all the time. The more we carve out understanding about ourselves, the more we find to deal with. UUUUUFFFFF, why open a can of worms? But HEY! The good news is that we need to rock the boat sometimes before moving forward. How do you think we’ll know where to go if we weren’t clear about where we stand? Undeniably, the most important date you may ever have in your life is that with your own self. Get to know it better. You’ll find that your life is transformed when you can clearly discern your values, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Self-awareness equips you with confidence, with means to dissolve your fears and transcend your distress, and empowers you to create your own destiny; not be the subject to external maneuverings into haphazard directions. You don’t have to do it all alone. It’s more helpful and fun to affiliate with like-minded others. They are great company and can be a major source of validation. When you touch base and are crystal clear, keep on polishing. Maintenance is usually easier than the kick off process. So, keep on digging; don’t be scared to look deep inside. Eventually, the worms will all be out.

“The Future Belongs to Those Who Ask!” ~ 3DS

I was invited by a colleague of mine to attend a negotiation seminar a few days ago. It was very inspiring, indeed, and validated many of the concepts I know and apply. The presentation touched on asking for discounts as we attempt o close some business deals. “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” the presenter announced. I agreed with that, but disagreed with asking for service discount. To me, that meant risking accepting less of what usually is offered (not too many people are conscientious, or are aware of the ramifications it has on their profession). With respect to displayed merchandise, the risks of getting less when you ask for a discount may be minimal, so go ahead ask for it. Demand it if you can (of course while paying attention to your tone). Take it at full price without asking, and you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. Those arguments made me reflect on the power of “asking” as determining much of our future life path.

Malcom X once said: “The future belongs to those who prepare for it today”. In a similar vein, Eleanor Roosevelt proposed: “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” In a congruent fashion, I believe that “the future belongs to those who ask!” I asked to join the psychotherapy training program, and was lucky to get in despite being way past the deadline. I was surfing the net for ICF accredited “Coaching” schools and encountered the International Coach Academy. They called me and provided me with all the information I needed. I enrolled; and my career path changed in both instances. The positive consequence of “asking” for things applies to many other life areas I take initiative in. I just ask, and the universe responds in amazing ways. Sometimes I “ask”, but I’m denied only to find out later that something better was arranged for me.

Hesitation to ask for something may have bases in the “fear of failure” (rejection can be a killer sometimes). “How can I courageously imply to that cute girl/guy that I like him/her? What if s/he said no?” That’s a dilemma many face. “How can I ask for that raise? Surely Management is working within a tight budget!” Truth is, don’t ask for it, and you stagnate. Would you want to wait (maybe forever) until your number is called out? Your chances are inevitably 50-50 to get it or not; despite your apparent strong belief (100%) you won’t get it. You don’t have all the “givens”. You have to be clairvoyant to forcefully say you know it all, don’t you? Alternatively, hesitation may have bases in the “fear of success”. You’d reason: “Me, with that cute guy/girl!” (Good God! a relationship would be too overwhelming), or “Me, with a better salary, or finally granted that promotion!” (I could be envied, or it could be too much to handle). This is when some self-sabotage to remain in their habitual comfort zone. Success seemingly carries with it an extra toll. Many would worry about change; it’s too much of an effort!

It probably is a known fact, by now, that any type of fear can be overcome only if faced. And if you still have doubt about what could happen IF so and so took place, ask yourself: so what? What could it mean? We tend to take things too seriously, so lighten up a bit. Talk about your concerns loud enough by taking the worst extreme scenario. Is it the end of the world? Can I try something different if this or that didn’t work out? Surely, choices are plenty if only we look hard enough. Again, and quoting my inspirational presenter “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” You ask, and it’s either a Yes, or a No. A “Yes” grants you what you want. A “No” needs to prompt you to ask again for something different. This is how you brighten up your future; this is how you leave your options wide open; this is why I believe: “The future belongs to those who ask!”

On New Year's Eve

I’ll be blunt and daring and express my dissatisfaction at how most people choose to spend New Year’s Eve. You may disagree, but I have my own – not so much shared - views on this one. I just can’t seem to understand the logic behind the competition as to where and how New Year’s Eve is spent. Why is it a “must” to have an extravagant arrangement for that specific night?

A friend of mine suggested it is the one night everybody needs to stay up late, dance, and have fun (referring to going crazy and drinking lots of alcohol); it would be ideal to hop from one place to another until it is breakfast time again. The longer the stay out, the more indicative it is of how well the night went by. To me, that was YIKESSSSSS!!! I’m not a night person; and staying up late is practically torture. Discussing the same issue with another friend, I found an argument strikingly different; albeit, much deeper. The latter noted that she doesn’t understand why all the festivity, the fireworks, and the hassle. We lost one year; what is there to be happy about?

I wouldn’t want to compete about the outing, nor depress about a losing a year. It is a special night; a turning point, but do we really have to anticipate for a new year this way or that? To me, the ideal is to celebrate in a very different way. Give it the worth it deserves. I would much rather sit quietly in a fine candle-lit homey environment, good music in the background, and play a unique game. In my mind’s eye, I would like to scan the whole past year with all its appealing and dire events; re-live the nice important memories, learn the lessons from the not so fortunate ones, and then run a wild movie in my head about my aspirations for the coming year. No need to have a parade over food preparations, or a hassle about dressing up. I feel a need to reflect on the true meaning of this occasion; why is that we divert our attention? I would love to share my activity with others (sharing is caring), but would speculate that most would find it a lame game. Who would settle for such a surreal New Year’s Eve?

To fit in, I therefore spare this mind game to an alternate night. For now, and at least for the past couple of years, I have succeeded in limiting the festive celebration to spending the night with those closest to my heart, in a home setting, and to casual means of entertainment. Definitely would not want it a wild night in clubs; definitely would not lament the loss of a year in my life. Wonder if I would succeed in bringing others to play the game if I attempt to next year. I’ll be giving it a shot; or will I remain alone on this? What do you think? :)