Those “IF” statements: From Disempwering Ones to More Empowering Others

In the spirit of wrapping up the year 2009, I embarked on my usual - more focused - appraisal of how things went by the past year and the framework needed to welcome the coming year. This review is my usual practice through out the year; and I seldom wait for the New Year to make resolutions and assessments. I like to toy around with my thoughts now and then by giving them some free rein to wander unrestricted to realms outside reality. This stems from a need to balance my excessive practical and realistic nature with some fantasy-like escape resort. I need to nourish that dreamer aspect of mine; it is these dreams that keep me working at full speed every so often.

In some of my weak moments, my day dreaming is not all that glorious or empowering. During such a trance-like state just a while ago, I caught myself using “if only” statements as my mind rambled around. I didn’t like the outcome. Let me share with you how the process went by. Come on, let’s try this exercise together and fill in the following blanks. Check how these make you feel:

Example: If only I were ______________ (a male not a female)
If only I could undo ______________________________________
If only my _____________________ were _____________________
If only it was socially acceptable to _____________________
If only I lived ___________________________________________
If only I had _____________________________________________
If only I had done_________________ not ___________________

I don’t know about you, but when I filled in these spaces with things I wished I had done, or had, or didn’t do, or wished others to have done things differently, I felt so down and wane. Those “If only” statements point to things that are either unreal in my life, or are very real but are past and done already. They are so disempowering. Can we ever undo the past? Do we have unlimited power to change about everything? Sadly, the answer is no and no. What do we do then?

It’s Okay to dream of what we can’t change. Sometimes it’s a healthy way to satisfy the impossible. The better way still is to dream the feasible (no matter how difficult it may seem). Dig yourself back from the rut and change those “if only” statements to “what if”….. Come on, fill those blanks with me once again. Something like:

Example: What if I could ______(have that male career status)
What if I can in fact have a ______________________________
What if I can live ________________________________________
What if I can get _________________________________________
What if I work on becoming ________________________________
What if I can forgive _______________ wrong doing and _____
What if I can forget _____________________ and ____________

Now that feels better. How about you? It put me at a mobilized state for action. These statements are so motivating. They gave me back some control over how to steer the wheel. I feel hopeful, energized, and have a purpose. I am in a better mind-set. I am looking forward to a challenge; I am more empowered. It’s okay to assess, then, and wish things to have been different, but that is behind now. It’s in the past. I have better chances for the future. There is a way out if I can think it. When things can’t change, I’m better of considering what I can control. I can look within me for answers. It is these assumptions of “what if I…” that empower me and deserve my focus; not those “if only” statements that pull me back and leave me disempowered….

Beware of Emotional Vampires!!

A vital ingredient that spices up our lives is being around other people. We’re blessed with having family members, friends, colleagues, and even casual acquaintances who best serve our social nature. All too often, however, we end up being among the wrong crowd. And instead of being energized by people in our lives, we find ourselves disempowered, depleted, or upset. Make a connection and reflect for a moment. With whom do you feel totally zapped out of energy? Who have you started dreading being with? If you’re able to recognize a few, then you’ve probably identified those known as “Emotional Vampires”.

Unlike the blood sucking folkloric vampires we’ve heard of, “Emotional Vampires” suck your positive emotions (or your life blood). They make you angry, depressed, overwhelmed, trivial, defensive, or drained. They come in different disguises and flavors: the needy and helpless (the victim), the depressed (always whining), the controlling (the forever bossing you around), the drama queen (that takes everything to the extreme and then the show begins), the narcissist (it’s all about me; you shut up), the perfectionist (the never satisfied and the detail oriented), and the criticizer (can’t ever win with that one; you’re a forever loser).

If you don’t properly control the presence of these “Emotional Vampire” in your life, you could end up suffering depression, anxiety, isolation, substance abuse, or any other maladaptive behavior. Dealing with emotional vampire is very easy if they meant nothing to you, or if you did not need them. You simply terminate the relationship. But what if they were important people in your life – ones you love most and cherish (i.e. your father, mother, sibling, spouse or your best friend). These could be your superiors at work or maybe other coworker. Now, that becomes a tough call!

Two things you need to keep in mind:
1) You can’t change them (you can only change yourself or the way you deal with them).
2) And that it’s about them; it’s not about you. Something lacks in their lives and they want to fill it up. They could be in a chronic strife to seek attention, recognition, validation, or acceptance. Alternatively, they can look tough and assertive on the outside, but underneath feel empty.

So, how do you deal with such emotional vampires?

- Consider again, is it possible to take your distance? Can you eliminate all contact with the type? Or maybe reduce encounters drastically?
- When contact is inevitable, visualize a protective mental safety shield that protects you from their negativity. Don’t allow their words to seep into you. Above all, resist the urge to be their therapist.
- Listen to your body. Is your tension level rising? Do you feel sleepy? Are you suddenly craving for something sweet? Have you suddenly lost all motivation to eat, go out, or do anything? Your body cannot mask the distress; it sends you multiple signals. Don’t allow yourself to react (they want you to). Breathe deeply and take your time before responding. If you can, listen then forget. Work on up-lifting your mood right after the encounter.
- Set your boundaries. Speak up with confidence about what you would, or would not allow in your relationship. Be assertive; yet gentle and empathetic. You can always disagree without being disagreeable; and the only power they have over you is that you give them. Exhibit that “tough love” you hear about.
- Deal with your guilt feeling as you resist being submissive to their influence. Many do actually take you on a guilt trip and that is how you conform to their whims. You’re trying your best to be supportive, but there’s a limit to how much you allow.
- Reframe their behavior as that deserving pity. They are immature children who were bitten a long time ago. They will have to outgrow their tantrums on their own. They don’t know why they do the things they do and if you confront them, you’ll find them in denial. Just exercise your patience (you have a golden opportunity there).

Beware of being bitten by those vampires. You don’t want to eventually turn into one, do you? Be mindful of their trespassing your territory and deal with it. Either shut them away, or use the above strategies. Stay in positive motion and spirit. Use a lot of humor. You’ll bewilder them with your action (they are very passive). Empower yourself in their presence constantly (this is how you vaccinate yourself against their poison); else, they’ll bite you; and you’ll be off to find your own prey….

The Multifold Power of Giving

How many times do you bend backwards attempting to do someone else a favor only it does not get reciprocated when you are the one in need? Does it happen often enough to discourage you from being a giving person? You wonder: This is not in line with the “norm of reciprocity” (i.e. the social expectation that people respond to each other in kind)? Consider this: the expectation that you receive back from the same person may be the norm, but never the rule. You will receive back in return; albeit, from multiple other sources. Don’t be reluctant to keep giving as you are bestowed at least ten fold. How is that possible, you ask?

1. Giving feels good. You have been a positive impact. You took part in someone else’s life. In return, you reap a positive psychological reward (i.e. I am useful). Caution: buffer your disappointment by not expecting a repayment in kind. Do it for the sake of getting that “helper’s high”.

2. Giving enhances your physical health. When you feel good psychologically, it feeds into your physiology. It is a known fact that psychological and physical states are interrelated.

3. Giving others can offset being totally self-absorbed. That is very applicable in times of distress or even success. It is a distracter from over-indulgence in one’s own misery on one hand; and a source of redirecting the overflow of positive emotions to others in need on the other hand. Why hoard the pleasure of accomplishment to ones’ self? Share it.

4. Giving fosters a sense of abundance. You are wealthy if you are able to provide and give. Have the conviction that your reservoir will not dry. Hey! “There’s more where that came from”.

5. Giving shapes your life with meaning. Yes, you are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Giving is life enriching.

6. Giving satisfies the need for social connections. We all have this need to connect with others; and sometimes those interactions are not so satisfactory. How about turning things round when that’s the case? Make your relationships and interactions beneficial one way or another?

7. Giving makes you nicely remembered. We are not going to live forever (and that’s another fact). Ask yourself: How would I like to be remembered? Wouldn’t it be nice to leave positive prints behind?

8. Giving can trigger a multitude of positive thoughts about yourself. Again, as long as you’re not expecting anything in return, your thoughts will rotate around those positive attributes you possess. You are charming in so many other ways.

9. Giving entails superiority. You have the upper hand. It is your wish and will to do the things you do. Think of it as your choice; no one coerced you into doing anything.

10. Giving characterizes those who are self-actualized (i.e. those who have reached their utmost psychological development like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and Albert Einstein). Self-actualized people are only motivated by personal responsibilities and ethics; and not by what they receive in return.

So, you see, giving spirals up into a great deal of life and self-satisfaction. I can think of many other alluring reasons for giving, but the above suffice to endorse it as a life philosophy. I am in awe when I hear of those who stretch their giving to that of self-transcendence. They give others because it makes them more fulfilled; they transcend the egocentric focus. They are so lucky to be there. Others give so much, but that has its bases in their “inability to say NO”. Giving becomes distressing, so one has to really consider if negative emotions surface. For me, I keep few things in mind as I adopt a giving attitude: it’s about being a positive influence. It is about the value it adds to my own personal growth and progress. I am able, then, to give back at least double what I receive…..