skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I received some insightful feedback on my earlier post on ‘’Choosing to move forward” and this enthused me to elaborate more and offer some helpful tips around the topic. I previously discussed the disparity between two groups of people. The first choose to move forward on the job and the second surrender to their frustrations into an emotional tail-spin. Clear self-knowledge providing the stage for a future vision can be the critical factor differentiating those who are more active in seeking the change.
There’s a saying that “Goals are dreams with a deadline”. So, if you find yourself having to tolerate dissatisfaction; and lack the ability to induce change, pose there and ask yourself: What is the ideal job for me? And where am I now? If the gap between your ideal job and your current status is huge, then it’s a call for action. Here are few tips to make you invoke a process of an “AHA!!” moment and work on a dream to come true. These rely on my personal experience, prior research, and extensive observations:
1. Ask yourself “what am I so passionate about? What are you talented at?” Decipher what makes you tick. Think of your role model. Observe how h/she acts? If you have an answer, skip to tip number 5.
2. If you have no clue what your passions are, then explore your options. A quick reflection on the most fulfilling activities you engage in can provide you with a clue.
3. Still stuck? Nothing seems to be appealing? Put yourself out there and try new things. Be really open to cease any opportunity that comes your way. You can’t know if it’s a potential passion if you don’t try.
4. Still can’t find it? (Boy!! There might be an underlying depression lurking in the background . No seriously, investigate if you do by seeking psychotherapy). If not, your character needs to fit somewhere; try to explore further what could be the best fit. Keep trying.
5. When you identify your passion, dream on. What would your ideal “you” be doing on the job driven by such passion? Include all the details possible. Engage all your senses. Vivify that dream (i.e. make it alive).
6. Consider the actions needed to make that dream happen. Make a list of the different possible options. Have a plan.
7. Commit to taking actions a step at a time. If you’re the type who procrastinates, share your vision with someone who would hold you accountable (e.g. a friend you can trust, or a coach if you can afford it ).
8. Take the actions necessary to move forward. When one thing doesn’t work, try another. No disappointment can be coined as a failure; it’s only feedback that some other strategy can work better.
9. Assess and revise your plan as you proceed. Plans may evolve and branch out the more you give them good thought.
10. Be persistent. It’s very easy to become discouraged when all attempts do not come to fruition, so keep that dream alive. Enjoy the process of learning while keeping an eye on the destination. It’s just another adventure.
Alas, no one is affected enough about your frustration more than you are. No one will care enough more than you do. Spare others, on the receiving end, the toll of your whining and complaints. You wouldn’t want your nagging to drive others away from you. From what I know, we are more drawn to others who are cheerful. If the situation permits, you can always share with close ones your attempts to move forward despite the dispiriting results. In such conversations, you might, as well, be offered new insights about different alternatives that could work. You can be the maestro of your of your life if you choose to. The sound of music heard relies heavily on you, so create your own life. Make your own symphony. Have a dream….
Note: Stay tuned to my next post on moving forward on the personal level (even if all prospects appeared dim).
The other day, as I waited to meet a friend at my mostly frequented coffee shop, I had an interesting brief conversation with the waiter on duty. He just opened up to brief me on his latest news. “I applied to this famous hotel chain and am hopefully quitting this place” he said. He then continued to list his frustration with his current job and how there was no room for promotion there. At the age of 38, he found himself needing to advance forward instead of being stuck in the same monotonous job. He presented more reasons that moved him into taking action towards change. He had a vision of a better fit to his aspirations and I thought that “Wow!! This is a really healthy sign of thriving on the profession”.
I compared that waiter to a friend of mine who excessively whines of monotony at the work place; yet, does not do anything to change or add flavor to what she does. Despite my constant attempts at directing her towards exploring the options there, she would be very resistant to suggestions of all sorts. She might be too afraid to trying something new, or move out of her comfort zone. There must be something appealing in her current employment, but she surely wouldn’t openly recognize it, or look for it. She was oblivious to her power of making choices to effect some change.
Such varied responses between frustrated people on the job prevail to varying extents. Some of us choose to deal with the problem and are proactive to move forward; others choose the easier path of whining that they have a problem. It’s as if things could change to the better by a magical intervention, but would they? Could we hope for remedy if we do not solicit it, or even take action towards it? The choice to progress needs to stem from a burning and motivating desire to grow. No one can instill it for someone else. Surely others can nourish it along the way, but it has to be already there. Do you have a vision of the best self you want to be? If so, my guess is that you’re on the path of moving forward…..
Glass, China, and Reputation, are easily cracked, and never well mended.~ Benjamin Franklin
A quote well thought of indeed. Businesses, groups, and foundations all try to establish a cutting edge reputation to advance forward. Wouldn’t you, as an individual, work on developing your own reputation on both levels: personal (or perceived character) and professional (in terms of achievements)? Your reputation represents your social evaluation; and hence, constitutes a portion of your basic identity. Because you are not invisible and are bound by civil interactions, your reputation matters. Like it or not, it follows you like a shadow everywhere you go; consequently, is one of those assets you need to maintain well-polished.
I started pondering about this concept as I observed an interaction that took place between one of my colleagues and her superior. The latter was aggressive, sarcastic, and haughty as she denounced my colleague with reprimand over a really trivial matter. I stood there speechless about the notorious image that superior was portraying. I wondered why she degraded her own personal worth as such despite being professionally at a competitive advantage. It made me realize that some of us don’t really care about having a well-rounded reputation. In some aspects, they act on whim and let themselves be driven by uncontrolled inner forces. A little thing like that told a lot about that supervisor. Despite the many finer professional qualities of her in hindsight, I couldn’t but become myopic and map the shortcomings of her in that brief encounter. If I am asked to assess her now, I would say: she is professionally outstanding, BUT…so and so…. That BUT, being said, negates anything that preceded :(.
Have you ever considered that your reputation maybe the only immortal aspect you have? Not only do you form judgments of yourself, others similarly form an impression of you. These accumulate to form your reputation. It forms in the past, is maintained in the present, and continues to compound in the future. You will forever remain a target for evaluation, as people take short-cuts in describing the person you are. From mere chatting, to gossip, to scandals most people might entertain, warn, or take your case as an example as they converse. Keeping that in mind, you might as well plant the seed for a sound reputation and nourish it with your attitudes and behaviors. It’s not something ephemeral; rather, becomes like an oak tree taking years to grow, but once well-rooted, stands tall and endures.
Some people are not concerned with social evaluation. So what if I deviate from social norms this one time, or do the things that I consider right despite opposing social consent - some would be tempted to say. Ones reputation is very fragile and it would take painstaking efforts to restore a crack there. I, personally, would rather remain alert and guard my reputation with both hands. My reputation determines how others will relate to me in any role I partake. I do care about being consistently held in high esteem. My reputation is among the few things I’ll pass on to my off-springs. I do care about nourishing that oak tree – strong, enduring, and ever green. I live with others and for others. I, therefore, formulate a set of standards to abide by in my behaviors and deeds; would you want to do the same too? After all, don’t you think Benjamin Franklin was right when he said:It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it
.
So I was conversing the other day with a friend of mine when he said something that lit a bulb in my mind’s eye. He mentioned that he finds everybody the same. He fell in the trap of over-generalization. Without hesitation, I responded that I disagreed. It’s a matter of perspective, I guess. He looks at sameness. I try to find the unique qualities in every person I meet. I don’t suppose people have a lot of commonalities. I mean, physically we share the basics, but what fascinates me about human nature is the unique combination of the varied qualities or traits forming one’s character. That’s what magnetized me to be in the peoples’ business; and aim at partnering with others in their process of self-discovery.
Do you share my belief that YOU are special in YOUR own way? When I hold this attitude as I talk to you, you shine. Come to treating you as yet another ordinary person, that sparkle in your eyes fades :(. Experiment on it and see for your self. Notice the difference in another person’s behavior when you treat him/her on bases of fault-finding or neutrality on one hand, and with affirmation of their best unique qualities on the other hand. The outcomes are amazingly polarized. This happens because we all have a grounded unequivocal conviction that no one can ever match our being that idiosyncratic in so many ways. We could make use of external sincere reminders to support that guiding principle no matter how hard we try not to openly seek it.
So, when I interact with you, you can be confident that I will be exploring the best in you. I will try hard to find those things in you that I would want to imitate. I will make sure to voice out loud the commendable actions you demonstrate. That mind-set requires a lot of training; and it definitely is not easy to take that stance permanently all of a sudden. You can object that you cannot apply this attitude to every one you meet. Abound are those whom you hold a grudge against, or shun to cut the cords of any further possible maltreatment. To that I say, give yourself some time to forgive and forget. Meanwhile, find where they blossom and eulogize it. You’ll find that things can take on a different turn.
You can, also, balk that people might think you’re just sucking in. To that I say, when people find out how genuine you are, and that your attitude is consistent with all those you meet, they will know that with you, they are in safe hands; and that their image you will never break. You are unique in so many positive ways. It’s those positive attributes that I try hard to find in our first encounter. It is those positive attributes that I keep looking for in further exchanges…..
A dear friend of mine recently got promoted to the position of the CEO of this reputable huge firm. I met with her just yesterday to discuss the great news only to find out that she was terrified by the news. Shock waves of worry were still coloring her perception of her pinnacle professional accomplishment. Instead of being a chest-thumping Tarzan, she was dejected. I found her gritting her teeth mulling about the tantalized situation that firm was in. She thought that the prospects of enacting a directional shift towards growth were poor as demonstrated by the successive CEOs handling that same post. I saw things differently; and started dissecting with her the different aspects of her worries. She was disempowering herself with negative thoughts and bleak attributes of the situation; and that needed to change. She can’t decline such an opportunity and has all the right to worry, but whining about the problems surrounding her added responsibility did not serve her much. We first changed the term “problems” into “concerns”. We then started focusing on how to dissolve or solve those concerns. She had already begun that, and as we sat there more solutions surfaced.
Our dialogue led to an attempt at adopting a more empowering stance; thus, allowing more reign for positive thoughts. What she needed more than ever, now, was to muster all her energy and arm her self with few pivotal basics:
a) Faith. Fate/life (not the board members) has chosen her to have this post. There is something precious in there for her (a lesson, a reward, or an experience). She needs to trust what the cosmic energy is giving her! It is meant for a reason. A more “let’s look at it as a challenge” stance is to be adopted. Why not explore the marvels of having achieved and have a taste of being there at the top? She has worked real hard for a post that by now she deserves. She has all the expertise and the right credentials.
b) Positive beliefs about her yourself. Henry ford once said: “Believe you can, and you can; believe you can’t and you’re right”; and this is not just a quote. Accumulated research suggests that those who believe in themselves (and their capabilities) do succeed; those who are hesitant and are doubtful don’t often make it. Even if she had doubts in some areas, she is better off in focusing on what she is good at. Weak areas can often be delegated to subordinates to handle, or rectified with time.
c) Knowledge. She needs to get hold of all sorts of information needed for that new post. A gradual expansion of her knowledge data base was a requirement now more than ever. She needed to allow herself sometime to recap on filling the necessary gaps. She can’t possibly know all the details in the world, but can surely be selective. A supportive team can be the perfect back up providing her with the required essentials.
d) Experts, family, & friends: She, lastly, would need to contact those who were in a similar position and learn from their mistakes. Consultations with field experts were to be prioritized; Furthermore, modeling professionally the success stories of prominent figures would be an asset and a good guideline. At the same time, she needed to stay surrounded by family members and friends. She now needs additional eyes and ears to redirect her once she drifts away with the added responsibility. Family members and friends love her; and she needs to be open to their suggestions on a personal level.
In addition to equipping herself with the above resources, she needed to utilize additional strategies to succeed on her new endeavor. Our discussion touched on:
1. Having a clear vision of what that new role entails. Moreover, it was important for her to establish the legacy she wanted to leave behind. All outstanding organizations have clearly stated “Vision” and “Mission” statements. They hang these everywhere. Why wouldn’t the same apply on us as people? She needed to write these in her journal. It facilitates goal setting in order to achieve the mission. Research suggests that 97% of those who achieve their goals actually write these down. It keeps one focused and organized. No one has to be overly rigid once the goals are specified (reassessment and revision can be undertaken as the need arises). Clarity is a key to success.
2. Added responsibility might lead to over-working herself. She needed to keep an eye on “her-self” as a person (with all her extended roles as mother, wife, friend, etc…..). No one on his/her death-bed ever wished having worked more. All regret the precious moments not spent with loved ones. Some work-family balance needs to be struck and stays in check.
We discussed more specifics that worried my dear friend; and addressed each in sundry ways. When one impregnates action steps to any area of concern, the seeds of more solution focused coping emerges. It’s OK to acknowledge worries, but more importantly to process these and de-emphasize their grandiosity. As my friend and I departed, I deeply wished my friend to have become more galvanized to face a “challenge” not a “nightmare” as she perceived it to be. I assured her of lending my full support. I know it is really difficult to coach friends, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to be there with my “coach hat” on. As I mentally reviewed the points we discussed, I considered these applied not only to the case of her promotion per se, but to handling our professional roles any time along the way of progress…..
I was wondering about our tendency, sometimes, to lose sight of what we truly want out of living, of the future we want to construct, and of what really matters to us. I am not living in vacuum, I must admit, and therefore, find myself subject to external pressures of all sorts. These could be other people I interact with, situations I am put in, or general life circumstances. I live only once, why not squeeze the juice out of life? I reckon the best way to do that is to set myself as my own priority. This needs to be my hallmark. I was shaped enough in my upbringing and I am an adult now. From now on, it’s my life, so let ME do the “defining”; why should I let someone else do the job for me when I’m wise enough to do it on my own?
These thoughts crossed my mind’s eye when I observed several clients who although dealing with different types of concerns, share almost analogous bases (e.g. dealing with relationship issues). They seem stuck into considering how “others” are relating to them. Almost every question I ask is answered in terms of what “others” have said, or done; or “what if” others will say or do. Where is the “you” in all this, I consistently ask? What do “you” really want? What are “you” going to do about it? Why be reactive? Where is your initiative? Clients like these, and other people I know, seem to subject their desires to the periphery. They assume the stance of a victim, a martyr, or get trapped into complying with the needs of others. They forget the “me” – as responsible and liable – in the whole interaction process.
Such cases make me go back in thought to my repeated attempts in telling my students: “The most important ‘date’ you could ever take is that with your own self. Just take sometime to know more who you are; and what you really want out of life. Get to know both your strengths and limitations; yet, capitalize on your strengths. Get clear on your values. These are guidelines for your behavior; and constitute what’s important for you. They eventually shape your decisions; hence, are bases for a solid vision of your life satisfaction. Get a sense of the direction you’re heading in. Follow your passions, set your priorities, and build your resources.” Whenever you have a clear idea about who you are and what you want to be, or achieve, life would not look like the very difficult puzzle it seems to be (at times). Possible confusion or distress would have little room then in your lives. Set your self as a priority. Everything else would seem to flow more easily afterwards.
I am not suggesting that we are to focus on our needs at the expense of disregarding the whole ecological system we’re engulfed in. It’s just that, at times, considering the “me” in the context may require more focus. Even if the “me” was defined in terms of others, we gain clarity as to where we fit. For instance, one client would finally admit that: “I am a martyr for the sake of my family”. When she clearly defined the framework of her true self, it was a leap forward in de-mystifying her role. I appreciated her sacrifice to keep the family intact. We then worked within the confinements of that role. Imprisoned for the sake of the family; yet, doing the best “She” could to still vivify other aspects of her life. She, then, prioritized herself within that system and she ardently embraced a new attitude of mind. She, then, started to be more giving.
How can you give when you don’t fill up your reservoir? All sorts of machinery need some sort of recharging. Although by far we are more unique, our survival entails more than just physiological nourishment to operate. We need to feed our spirit, our mind, and our passions. The options are varied to summon up our spiritual energy. Seize the opportunity to fill up your psyche and stretch your horizon. Dream on; and make life worth living. Develop a purpose to work on, or mark a blueprint to leave behind. With enough determination and focus, we remain true to ourselves and foster our well-being. Oh yes! Without such a vision, life would seem bleak and not worth the effort. And oh yes! We’d find our selves faltering and vacillating at the mercy of the dictations by others.
Let me be my OWN priority. This will inevitably feed into everything else in my life. It is only then that I can be the giving person I yearn to be….
Ever heard of the term “Sociostat”? It stands for our social thermostat and was coined by the social psychologists Bibb Latané and Carol Werner. They propose that we all have a need to affiliate with others and maintain certain levels of social contact. This tendency, however, is subject to optimal balance just like our caloric intake. We sometimes crave the company of others; yet at other times, we need to be alone. Engaging in a lot of social activities can disrupt our sociostat. That is why we seek some respite to adjust the imbalance. It reminds me of the extroversion/introversion personally characteristic dimensions proposed by Hans Eysenck. He suggests that extroverts have a chronically under-aroused nervous system; thus, seek social contact and novelty to uplift it to more favorable levels. The inverse is true for those introverts. Maintaining a state of homeostasis relates to many other phenomena and that is crucial for our well-being.
During this time of year (summer season), schools are mostly off. The trend here in Lebanon is that people living abroad return to their home country to spend all or part of their summer vacation. A vacation mode sets in even for most of us who resume their careers gracefully and set their own agendas for vacation time. Many would find themselves in an enforced vacation mode with an overflowing schedule of family and friends to meet and catch up with. Business appointments crossroads with a “lunch it” here and “dine it” there to accommodate for all. “Get togethers” has to be topped by friends you’re trying to maintain (wouldn’t want to dump these for the time). If you are a parent trying to entertain your (sitting at home) kids, you’ll have additional outings to organize. Guess what happens to the sociostat I’ve mentioned earlier? Does it resonate with what goes on around you? Are you freaking out because your threshold has gone awry?
Here is what you need to do: keep an eye on that sociostat. Extroverts and introverts can’t help it for seeking to increase or decrease their exposure to situations to adjust their under or over-aroused nervous system. Both are biologically inclined to “be” the way they are. You can, similarly, be attentive to your sociostat. For some, summertime is a golden opportunity to satisfy the incessant need to be with other people. For others, there life becomes topsy-turvy. They are guilt ridden if they listen to their own need of taking time alone; or are severely overwhelmed if they try to satisfy all ends. Still a third group lies somewhere in the middle; accepting the situation and going with the flow. Where do you locate yourself were we to construct a dimension denoting these three groups?
Obviously, those who do not aspire excessive social contact have a major concern to deal with. What might they do to buufer the incipient threshold burst? Few modus operandis come to mind:
1. Make time for daily “reboot”. You wouldn’t want to be a nervous wreck on the next social function. For every job well-done, there’s a reward. You bent backwards and disrupted your routines; schedule sometime for yourself to spend your day the “preferred way”. Remember, your batteries need constant recharge.
2. Be very selective in your choice of people to meet. If it is another obligation, or those involved are the dreary negative type, let the outing be very brief; else, invite more people to join (those who are more positive, or ones you truly prefer).
3. You strive on self-focus, so be mindful during these outings. Turn your interactions with others as a chance to observe how YOU deal with people. Make the best of it and savor these days to make them work for you (not against you).
4. Reframe those interactions from negative experiences you do not enjoy into more positive terms (e.g. it’s a temporary challenge, I love these guys, I am satisfying their need to be with me, I’ll soon be back to my usual routines, etc…..)
5. Prioritize. Don’t lose yourself in the hassle. Some things cannot be put off; and some people are not staying around for long. Re-shuffle your priorities while keeping focused on what mattes most to you (e.g. your goals, profession, family,…).
6. It’s a chance to learn to say “NO” (when you have to). You really don’t need to stress yourself to comply with the social pressure. If you don’t care of yourself, no one else will.
These are but few techniques for coping before exploding. Even the wisest among us can sometimes focus myopically on having a concern and lose sight of needing to effectively deal with that concern. Our sociostat is woven into our fabric, so in your mind’s eye, just observe: it’s not only the people, it’s not only the outings. It’s YOUR sociostat. Embrace it while keeping an eye on it.
I usually spend a considerable amount of time over the internet: from checking my email, to Blogging, to visiting multiple social media sites, to browsing the net for information, to joining ICA classes through Skype, or even conducting my coaching sessions. For the past few weeks, I have been receiving mostly forwarded messages on my email. Nothing special, or personal. It then occurred to me that it was only a result of my in-action in networking. I was on a very long vacation with minimal time spent in most of these domains. I did not send so many personal messages and this led to receiving very few in return. It made me ponder about the influence of our efforts and actions on any results we accrue.
I observe the trend in myself, and in those all around me. When I want something, I have to work on getting it. Just thinking about it won’t serve the purpose. I can talk about a dream for ever, but if I don’t do anything about it, it won’t be delivered on a golden plate. I must disagree, here, with Rhonda Byron’s propositions in her wide known book “The Secret”. According to the law of attraction, she suggests, it’s enough to keep focused on a goal or dream. Think hard and the universe will send it to you she claims. I find that really hard to believe. Where is your conscious role in all of this? Where is your action to get it? The law of attraction serves you well only if you take some steps in that direction. Combined with the power of positive expectations and beliefs, our actions are the bases moving us closer to our aspirations.
I call a friend, I don’t find him/her, s/he calls back (most likely). I go out, interact with people, and I have abundant material to write about. I exercise daily, and I feel my energy levels boost up. I post a comment on my favorite author’s Blog (Robin Sharma), and he replies back (Yay)! I procrastinate doing nothing really important during the day, and sure enough I’ll have less and less things going on for me. Sometimes, such a state is much needed. A time to “reboot” serves us well. If prolonged, however, it gets in our way of moving forward. Sometimes we get stuck in initiating actions. We delay, come up with excuses, or become too anxious about failing. But how can we be certain about the results if we don’t give things our best shot?
It has been said that: “It’s better to have tried and failed, than never have tried at all.” Keeping things in motion yield either of 3 results:
1. Successful attempts feeding positively into our emotional states.
2. No tangible results that, lo and behold, will be precipitate to becoming concrete in time. These can succumb in frustration; hence, we need to energize ourselves to persist and keep determined.
3. Negative feedback (as not to say failure) that our actions need some redirection or change. This yields to distressed emotions that again need to be addressed, controlled, and reversed.
In all three instances, the dynamic nature of behaving breeds results that can be used or changed to serve our best interest. There is no point in a “cease fire” if the rules of the game are not altered. I consider each and every one of us a “fighter” under his/her own command. No one else has to lead us into the throes of uncertainty. Within every situation a specific translation is embedded; and it is up to us to make the best of it by keeping things in motion. Let action drive us to results. It is the latter that give our life meaning and purpose. It is those results that feed into the cycle of growth and progress…..
I feel a connection with the universe when sometimes incidents with analogous content take place in a row. It’s like I’m being sent messages that I cannot ignore. Here is another account of yet another lesson learned. I woke up in a cranky mood this morning (yes….. I am human and do have my ups & down). I felt overwhelmed by having so many endless obligations and responsibilities. I just came back from my yearly vacation with the family and things needing my intervention were piling up like mountains: so many errands, too little time. I started off by writing my usual list of “things to do” and another of things to get from the supermarket. And my day began …..
It was a long wait at the hairdresser and for the first time I forgot to grab along my book to read. I felt strange not being able to use my time wisely by reading while I waited. Turning to the available magazines there did not satisfy my taste. I decided to do something about my mood, so I reciprocated the young employees’ nice attempts in initiating conversations by being more focused and humorous. We ended up with more prolonged chats than my usual practice to kill time. When another lady customer walked into the place, I was surprised to hear one of those young men groan: “Oh no, not her again!” I asked why he said that and his reply was that she never smiles; she’s not like you he added. Indeed for one hour I observed her while I interacted laughingly with those employees. Her face was endlessly grim as if her introspections revealed only contemplations over misery. I wasn’t in my best of mood, but I faked it until it gradually kicked in. Why let those around me sense my concerns when it was me invading their space?
As I continued running my errands, I persisted with enforcing a good mood on myself. It didn’t take me a lot of effort. It just started coming out naturally. At the supermarket, I was conversing with the butcher and requesting my stuff in a respectful and cheerful manner. He would reciprocate by being as kind and merry. Our gentle interactions were interrupted by another lady who barged in and started bossing around that man with a flat look on her face. She wasn’t requesting her needs; she was rather ordering and demanding. The butcher waited until she was distracted and asked: “I wonder what people lose by not smiling at others?” He’s absolutely right to note that. He added that he appreciates my smiling face and noted that it well decorated my beautiful face (blush :)). I compared how he continued interacting with both of us and I surely felt preferred to deal with and support with the service needed.
I know we all carry a heavy burden of responsibilities and worries. People we interact with are not mind-readers. They automatically form judgments and impressions. We can experience all sorts of reservations and no one has to neither know nor deduce. Specifically, I point to those employees we interact with briefly for services. They are humans with mostly monotonous and boring jobs. Our emotions seep into their laps and in turn are reproduced into the services they offer. True, my mood was cranky that morning, but being eager to suppress it and reverse it did yield in positive feedback from those around me. I was lucky to encounter others with similar attitudes. Those young employees at the hairdresser do have their own baggage of concerns, so did that butcher. Faking a good mood became contagious, was positively reinforced, and gradually set in. I returned home really satisfied with having accomplished my “to do lists” for that day. But above all, and despite the fact I had more responsibilities to take care of the next morning, I knew that I can make it a day even better for me & for others….
As you rest your head on your pillow, what do you think about? Ever thought about what systematically goes on in your head then? What patterns of thinking usually surface? A while back, I tried to introspect & observe myself every night. Sometimes I would be too drained & would find myself transcending to that altered state of consciousness in seconds. At other times, I toss and turn. My thoughts would be racing in seemingly endless motion.
To start with, I love to sleep & always look forward to that special time with myself. When I don’t get enough sleep, my mood suffers; no matter how hard I try to make believe that it’s not. I engaged in a lot of self-talk in an attempt to train myself to live with only few hours of sleep. Soon, I’d say, I will have no choice & be put to permanent sleep involuntarily. It didn’t work. I’ve grown to accept the fact that my biological endowment requires me to have a good-night sleep. I just can’t help it. I need to change my belief that when I sleep, I am actually losing time in being more dynamic in other matters. My incessant passion to get things done was a major driving force. I need to slow that down. Let me go with the flow. Respect what my body needs, accept it, and enjoy it while I can.
So what happens as I lay there? Very interesting observations conjured up. It has been noted that in waking states we have around 60,000 thoughts each day. Some of these recur during the day more often than others. What I noticed was an extension of these thoughts as I hug my fluffy pillow & attempt to sleep. Flashbacks of what happened during the day emerge. These could be major or minor events. The flow of similar thought processes continues to include planning ahead: what I need to do tomorrow & how next day will look like. I guess that is common & automatic for most of us. What I noticed, also, is a tendency for my thoughts to be more random-like & mixed up as I fall into the actual sleep state. This is known as the “hypnagogic state” during which thoughts become dream-like and resemble hallucinations. It is followed sometimes by a feeling of a free-fall into a dark abyss. And that is often times associated by a jerky movement in bed as if resisting the fall. The whole thing is just the beginning of something like a trance.
Another observation is that whenever I am not soon enough in that “hypnagogic state”, it is sometimes because my inner ramblings are so charged, intense & fast. It is in such instances that I needed to resort to slowing them down. (I) (s t a r t) (t h i n k i n g) (s l o w l y ) (a b o u t) (a n y t h i n g) . . . . I also resort to imagining that abyss & that I have, in fact, started falling endlessly. I just attempt to dive in there. I even deliberately make my thoughts chaotic: think of mixed up events, people, or settings randomly. This would be enough to prepare me to transcend beyond wakefulness. These techniques work with me almost every time.
One last thing I promised myself to do a long time ago & before I sleep is a quick assessment of the day. I still do that. Was it a productive day? How can I improve on this or that? Am I a better person today? Did I positively influence anyone? Was I helpful today? Am I closer to my dreams and goals? What are today’s lessons? And so on…… These questions crossroads with the flashbacks I have about the day & the planning for the next. It is by far the most important thing I can do to conclude my day.
During all this process, many times, I like to design my own conscious dreams. I know some things are too far fetched to come into reality, but there’s no harm in imagining the impossible. For me, the sky is not the limit. Conscious dreams serve two purposes: they are an escape to the ideal world I yearn, and they are in the form of goals to fulfill. They are under my control & I can shape them the way I like. In the end, the process “before I sleep” undeniably turns out to be something I look forward to. It is so varied and so fascinating. Am I to blame, then, when I welcome having a good sleep? Putting my busy head to respite - my own way - is one thing I will forever cherish & enjoy. The involuntary dreams that follow are even a more captivating experience. I won’t whine, after all that, for sleeping as much as I do (mind you it’s not more than 8 hours of sleep per day) :).
Posts
