How Am I Supposed to Handle “Hypocrites”?

You are, indeed, blessed when life hands you the right kind of supportive people who get you all enlightened, validated, or nourished. But, like it or not, you may bump repeatedly with mere hypocrites. If you’re the tough-minded type, you wouldn’t easily let them off the hook. You may openly defy their emotional blackmail and confront them with the truths you observe. But what happens if you’re the overly sensitive type. You abide by societal etiquettes that require you to continually swallow your observations? Your personal standards dictate gentle interpersonal dealings. You’d tell yourself: “let others discover the hypocrisy just as I did” (maybe let them quell the lies for you). But then what? It just irritates you that you have to keep tolerating the deceit. Hypocrites have been preying on my mind lately; and I am having difficulty dealing with them. I am just saddened by the idea of being lied to. I might as well write about it to gain some clarity. Maybe in the process I get to reduce their harrowing effects.

Let’s see: The dictionary defines a hypocrite as “a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives”. It’s not those diplomatic well-meaning people that will be referred to here; rather, the malicious type who continually live a big lie to portray a good image. They intentionally or not neglect to practice what they preach (i.e. their actions contradict their declared beliefs). They hide the truth for having motives that are either unappreciated by others (could be hidden agendas), or that they don’t feel so proud of to start with. It seems to me as if they underestimate that others are bright enough to figure out their pretense. They live by double standards; and to reduce their internal arising conflict, they cleverly self-rationalize this duality by providing all sorts of justifications. But, would this defense mechanism succeed in zeroing-out the precipitating imbalance? Would it eliminate the emerging inner anxiety? My belief is probably not. They will remain in an ongoing battle to protect their charade. I wonder if they get too drained to persist, or if they ever anticipate for the predictable moments of being discovered.

What about you at the receiving end of being bombarded with unsolicited lies? Our natural tendency is to start avoiding these people especially if honesty is a guiding cherished principal in our lives. As impractical as it is, some of these hypocrites are woven into your most intimate connections (i.e. could be family members, colleagues on the job, or even members of your own circle of acquaintances). By now, you know them too much; and when they get going with the “parade”, it feels to you that you want to grab out your daggers and stab their lies to death. But, no; the caring sensitive type can’t allow that. You resist the urge of descending to lower levels of dealing; you want to keep rising to higher standards of ethical conduct. To you, ignoring them might be the right thing to do; and how many times do we choke by having to do the “right thing”? Sometimes it sounds like too much pressure. Are you to lash out and bend your rules some time? Hmmmm! that seems tempting and you’ve got good reasons to do that. Gees! These people keep invading your territory. They walk all over you!

Giving it a good thought, I’m inclined to stick to my guns. They press my buttons, but let me keep doing what I believe as the “right thing”. Let me use some self-affirmations. Something like:
- Dania, wait! Suspend your judgment. Are you basing your observations on assumptions or on repeated and well demonstrated action / declared belief discrepancy? Re-visit your stance EVERY time.
- If I do find such discrepancy, understand well where it comes from. These people might just be covering up something embarrassing to protect you, others, or themselves. They could have good intentions after all, so keep your eyes open to find the good core in people (even in those hypocrites themselves).
- Don’t let their prevalence keep you on your toes when you deal with well-meaning others. The “good guys” and the “not so good guys” inspire us alike.
- Let’s keep our hopes high in their coming to terms with their true self. Life can be made much simpler if we just acted naturally.
- Let us tiptoe through the minefields of their insecurities and ignorance while being alert to not being coaxed into their hidden agendas.
- They are “small stuff”; let’s focus on more worthy pursuits.
- Let’s persevere in being sincere. Be the good example; maybe by observation they get that “wake-up” call.
- They are here to teach us a lesson. Think of many good reasons for why they exist in your life. Refine your life skills and exercise your patience.

It’s amazing how my disgust subsides as I state what I can do to manage their inevitable presence in my life. See, I can still disagree without being disagreeable. Eventually, these hypocrites will realize that the masks they wear are transparent and people can actually see through. Their masks wear out. If they don’t shape up, they will look around one day to find themselves living in total isolation. Give them ground to discover on their own the serenity of being true. Shrug it off! You can’t teach them. They’ll have to learn it on their own from you…..

Accepting Versus Resisting - Power Tool (2)

This is a continuation of my previous post on "Accepting versus Resisting" what we can not change. It's a great empowering tool to help you cope with your difficult life situations.

Topic 3. Accepting vs. Resisting the SELF
It’s true that we can do a lot to steer our life course and where we land. Still, we are deprived of choice in specific matters. Did you have a choice in being born a male or female? Or even in having the physical features you possess? We often see some individuals bending backwards trying hard to implement major changes on their looks. Sometimes it is doable, but comes to fruition only with great tolls. Self-acceptance refers to accepting one self with all its flaws (ranging from temperament, to genetic make-up, to who we truly are). When that is done, these flaws will start to diminish. We stop paying attention to them; hence, negative emotions would cease to surface. Nobody is perfect that’s for sure.

For instance, one might have a specific health concern. The label “sick” maybe too distressing to acknowledge, so one may start whining and complaining about that health concern as if “resisting” the idea will make it vanish. Only through “accepting” that condition and trying to surpass it will one cope better. Alternatively, one may ignore the whole “being sick” idea (another form of resistance). What happens is that one’s health condition gets exacerbated when left untreated. The more we embrace all parts of our being, the better we’ll feel about ourselves and the more we grow. When we resist having limitations (be it inborn or accrued over time), we find ourselves pushed too far into a deep abyss of exhaustion. We are far better off if we embrace the positive and let go of the negative. It has been said, “If life hands you lemon, make lemonade”. Work with what you’ve got. Capitalize on your strengths; you’ll find plenty to work with. Improve what you can, but don’t fall into frustration at deadlocks.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those aspects that you don’t appreciate about yourself?

2. Which of these can you change?

3. Which of these are impractical / impossible to change?

4. List at least five empowering reasons for accepting (rather than resisting) those aspects you cannot change.

Topic 4. Accepting vs. Resisting OTHERS

Relationships with other people are vital in our progress along life’s path. Close others can be our support system as we thrive and in times of misery. In some instances, these close others become our source of distress. It is very easy to eliminate an “emotional vampire” (i.e. someone who drains your energy) if s/he were not really meaningful in your life, or imposed on you. But we occasionally fall into the trap of trying to change others to better fit our expectations. We forget that it is not easy to change someone else; and that it is much easier to change how we react to another’s behavior.

For instance, you become upset at how your parent, your sibling, or your spouse constantly behaves. You start giving him/her all sorts of hints; and at times become just blatant and criticize at no avail. Truth is, your repeated attempts may create opposition and defensiveness; and the cycle of conflict escalates. The more you persist, the more they become stubborn and resist your attempts. Asses how you would feel if someone tried to change you? You probably would get hurt and create walls of protection. Surely, we cannot dispense with some people in our lives. We are better off at considering the whole package. “Accepting” these people for what they are and focusing on their assets generates far better interaction processes. You can pinpoint how you feel about it, but it is their choice to rectify or not.

Reflection and Application

1. Think about those people who are indispensable in your life. Is there anyone of them in particular that you find difficulty tolerating / accommodating to?

2. If you answered “No”, you’re blessed. Count more blessings.

3. If you answered “Yes”,
a) List that person’s good qualities. Find as many as you can.
b) Can you accept that person with all his/her flows now?
c) While keeping his/her good qualities in the spot light, can you take that person’s behavior humorously for the coming week? See if all your interactions get lighter

Topic 5. Accepting vs. Resisting the HURT

As wonderful as it is, life can subject us to a variety of hurtful experiences. We can be targets to injustice, deceit, disappointments, insults, or misfortunes. It might give us the least we expect or deserve. These deleterious ordeals could range from painful childhood experiences, to experiencing infidelity in a relationship, to getting a demotion on the job, or other negative life situations. We unintentionally plunge into an emotional tail spin and experience feelings of anger, bitterness, or vengeance. The more we ruminate over the hurt, the more we prolong our distress and get swallowed up by our own distress. Sometimes, the more we try to save face or seek revenge, the more we get stuck at the mishap. We can surely get our chin high somewhere else. “Whatever you focus on expands” so it’s been said. Why feed the turmoil inside?

If our negative emotions include another person, then forgive. So much has been said about the positive effects of forgiveness even if unsolicited. Forgiveness refers to accepting what had happened and deciding to let go of attempts to seek revenge. When we keep our resentment contained within us, we are keeping inside negative energy which feeds the suffering. Our pain, then, was inevitable. It’s our suffering that’s optional. The past hurt when fed can cloud our vision of the present or the future; and can deprive us of inner peace.

If our emotions involved a specific situation we were are still struggling with, sometimes it is best to just let go. Fight no more. Maya Angelou once said: “At fifteen, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” We may be caught up in fighting too hard to eliminate the hurt caused by our life situations (we resist). We yearn to effect change when we can simply seek satisfaction elsewhere. Consider always: what’s the opportunity for me in there? Where else can I derive joy? It maybe too hard to extract yourself from some hurtful situation, but at least we can plan something to move gradually away from it. When no plan works, you can do the best you can to work within the confinements of that situation. Surely if you think hard enough, you can focus your thoughts on different aspects to compensate for your dissatisfaction. Transform the distress into motivation to excel at something else; move in a different direction.

Reflection and Application

1. Think of a specific life situation that has stirred your emotions negatively.

2. Are you willing to accept that it took place in the past and let go, or would you want to remain resisting that it happened?

Here’s a technique that can help you heal the hurt: Find the time to undergo a process of emotional healing. You may need an hour, 2, or even 3 hours to finish this exercise. Write about the distressing situation while focusing on how it made you feel. Include all the things that were not said and remain in your throat. Pour in all your emotions, your hurt, and your disappointment about it. Don’t leave anything out. If the hurt was caused by another person, address your writing to him/her. You’ll experience agitation as you do that. Get in touch with it. Name the emotions you are experiencing and reflect on how these were affecting your previous actions. When you’re done, burn that letter. As you watch those flames glow tell yourself: ‘This is one episode that is out of my system now. I won’t let it bother me anymore. It’s gone; finished. I will be indifferent to it from now on. It’s in the past; folded well. Now, I feel great, refreshed, and will resume a happier life.


Conclusion

“Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices” ~ Dr. Paul Tournier. We do need to be resilient in face of adversity. It serves us well to weigh the costs of fighting. It serves us well to know where we stand before moving forward. Much of what colors our perceptions is a creation of our own minds. Will you keep feeding your mind with handicapping thoughts, or will you empower yourself by opening up to healthier possibilities to grow? Your “call”....

Accepting vs. Resisting (Power Tool) -1

I have earlier written a short post on "Moving Forward" through accepting or resisting our life situations. I found it an empowering tool to use in the coaching process. I, therefore, decided to elaborate on it and submit it as a "Power Tool" (part of my certification process in coaching). It is somewhat lengthy, so I will post it on two occasions for an easier read. Enjoy and empower yourselves in those areas where you can do little to effect positive change:

Topic 1. How do we deal with difficult life circumstances?

“What We Resist, Persists, Accept, And It Just Dissolves” ~ Carl Jung

Many of us have a “fighter spirit” and we succeed in assuming control over many of our life circumstances. We get that promotion after working hard enough. We adopt a new life-style and are glad to have that ideal self image we always aspired. We are repeatedly encouraged to move forward and celebrate achieving our goals. Sadly, often times, we face specific life situations whereby “change” is extremely difficult, very costly, or sometimes practically impossible. For instance, how is it best to cope with the misfortune of being born with a physical handicap? Or in trying to survive the commitment to a partner who’s much loved, but has difficult personality characteristics beyond control? Consider someone else having to tolerate a newly assigned arrogant supervisor on the job because no better alternative can do at the time? In such thorny situations, one is faced with either of two options: accepting versus resisting those situations.

According to Merriam- Webster Dictionary, the verb accept is defined as “to endure without protest or reaction; to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable; and to recognize as true”. Applied to our difficult life experiences, “accepting” refers to the realization that we can not change what is disliked or that which is perceived as a psychological threat. We stop our behavioral and mental attempts to change, deny, or oppose it; and go with the flow. The Webster dictionary, also, defines the verb resist as “to exert oneself so as to counteract or defeat”. It entails fighting, pushing back and putting in some energy to change what currently exists. Applied to difficult life situations, mentally “resisting” a situation involves imagining over and over again what should be the case, the better scenario, and efforts to resolve difficult situations one way or another. Through out our lives, we either resort to “accepting” or “resisting” as coping strategies to handle many of our arising concerns; be it on personal or professional levels. Let’s reflect for a moment:

Reflection and Application

1. Identify the areas in your life that you have grown to accept on both your:
a. Personal level
b. Professional level

2. Identify the areas in your life that you have resisted and succeeded; and others you have resisted and could not change on both your:
a. Personal level
b. Professional level

Topic 2. Compared to “resisting”, why is it that “accepting” the healthier coping mechanism in difficult life circumstances?

“What can’t be cured must be endured” ~ Robert Burton proposed it wisely. The idea of “accepting” is prominent in Eastern philosophy and in different religions like Christianity and Islam. Life subjects us to its own terms. In extreme scenarios, it puts us under different losses, vagaries of fate, vicissitude of evil, illness, traumas, aging, and the inevitable idea of eventually facing death. “Accepting” things that already happened in the past or those that are foreseeable is comforting. We can’t undo the past; what’s done is done. We certainly can do a lot about whatever future remains even under the most difficult circumstances. When we accept things as they are, we become open to new possibilities; to areas beyond our distress. We stop feeding adversity with energy. Our mind is freed to finding solutions; and that energy is directed in a more empowering manner. The sooner we do that, the better. Sometimes, we need to learn to befriend our “tough calls” (come to terms with them). Only then are we able to overcome whatever set-backs we face.

“Resisting” can be viewed in a positive light in many situations. It is a driving force to do the best we can; to go beyond our comfort zones; to change to the better. What we need, however, is to discern between this type of resisting and that which is futile. “Resisting” can take the form of denial, avoidance, or even rumination over negative feelings (e.g. sorrow, guilt, injustice, etc….). It is these negative experiences that sometimes exacerbate our life situations; and not always those situations per se. Harboring bitterness, for instance, renders us eventually in an unpleasant place or state. Similarly, if we keep on brushing our negative feelings under the carpet by denying or avoiding these, they’ll creep back up again to get us. It is no wonder, then that in psychotherapy, emotional healing involves “accepting” past ordeals; as they truly were (not as one wished them to be). Accepting rather than avoiding painful emotions, in fact, alleviates the suffering. And this is how the individual eventually moves to a healthier form of functioning. “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery” ~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

Reflection and Application

1. Have a look at the areas you identified earlier. Compare the feelings that arise as you contemplate accepting or resisting each. Which do you find more empowering?

2. List the ramifications of resisting on your actions, your emotions, and your future vision.

Stay tuned for the follow post on accepting the self, others, and our past hurt in more detail.

“Digging Deep Within”: Too Scared to Look Inside?

Well, another academic semester has unfolded; and I can’t but reflect on my students who enrolled for the introduction to psychology course. For the past four months, we have examined the thinking processes and the motivating roots for human behavior. I am wondering how many students are now more invested in self-discovery and regulation? I planted seeds beyond course material and nourished these from time to time. Many resisted and their reactions ranged from having flat expressions on their faces to openly being sarcastic about my daring “calls”. Things seemed just too airy-fairy for their understanding. Others were more welcoming and those really motivated me to keep trying. I can’t know how many were responsive for sure, but I’m happy with just a few. Generally speaking, people differ in their willingness to “dig deep” and become more self-aware. And that is even more customary among the younger generation.

I must admit that it IS scary to look deep inside especially if the image is wishy-washy. But those who have the guts may alarm others as too freaky. That’s why sometimes the stereotypical image of a psychologist is that of a creepy mind-reader. They’re in their “mind-gym” all the time. The more we carve out understanding about ourselves, the more we find to deal with. UUUUUFFFFF, why open a can of worms? But HEY! The good news is that we need to rock the boat sometimes before moving forward. How do you think we’ll know where to go if we weren’t clear about where we stand? Undeniably, the most important date you may ever have in your life is that with your own self. Get to know it better. You’ll find that your life is transformed when you can clearly discern your values, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Self-awareness equips you with confidence, with means to dissolve your fears and transcend your distress, and empowers you to create your own destiny; not be the subject to external maneuverings into haphazard directions. You don’t have to do it all alone. It’s more helpful and fun to affiliate with like-minded others. They are great company and can be a major source of validation. When you touch base and are crystal clear, keep on polishing. Maintenance is usually easier than the kick off process. So, keep on digging; don’t be scared to look deep inside. Eventually, the worms will all be out.

“The Future Belongs to Those Who Ask!” ~ 3DS

I was invited by a colleague of mine to attend a negotiation seminar a few days ago. It was very inspiring, indeed, and validated many of the concepts I know and apply. The presentation touched on asking for discounts as we attempt o close some business deals. “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” the presenter announced. I agreed with that, but disagreed with asking for service discount. To me, that meant risking accepting less of what usually is offered (not too many people are conscientious, or are aware of the ramifications it has on their profession). With respect to displayed merchandise, the risks of getting less when you ask for a discount may be minimal, so go ahead ask for it. Demand it if you can (of course while paying attention to your tone). Take it at full price without asking, and you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. Those arguments made me reflect on the power of “asking” as determining much of our future life path.

Malcom X once said: “The future belongs to those who prepare for it today”. In a similar vein, Eleanor Roosevelt proposed: “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” In a congruent fashion, I believe that “the future belongs to those who ask!” I asked to join the psychotherapy training program, and was lucky to get in despite being way past the deadline. I was surfing the net for ICF accredited “Coaching” schools and encountered the International Coach Academy. They called me and provided me with all the information I needed. I enrolled; and my career path changed in both instances. The positive consequence of “asking” for things applies to many other life areas I take initiative in. I just ask, and the universe responds in amazing ways. Sometimes I “ask”, but I’m denied only to find out later that something better was arranged for me.

Hesitation to ask for something may have bases in the “fear of failure” (rejection can be a killer sometimes). “How can I courageously imply to that cute girl/guy that I like him/her? What if s/he said no?” That’s a dilemma many face. “How can I ask for that raise? Surely Management is working within a tight budget!” Truth is, don’t ask for it, and you stagnate. Would you want to wait (maybe forever) until your number is called out? Your chances are inevitably 50-50 to get it or not; despite your apparent strong belief (100%) you won’t get it. You don’t have all the “givens”. You have to be clairvoyant to forcefully say you know it all, don’t you? Alternatively, hesitation may have bases in the “fear of success”. You’d reason: “Me, with that cute guy/girl!” (Good God! a relationship would be too overwhelming), or “Me, with a better salary, or finally granted that promotion!” (I could be envied, or it could be too much to handle). This is when some self-sabotage to remain in their habitual comfort zone. Success seemingly carries with it an extra toll. Many would worry about change; it’s too much of an effort!

It probably is a known fact, by now, that any type of fear can be overcome only if faced. And if you still have doubt about what could happen IF so and so took place, ask yourself: so what? What could it mean? We tend to take things too seriously, so lighten up a bit. Talk about your concerns loud enough by taking the worst extreme scenario. Is it the end of the world? Can I try something different if this or that didn’t work out? Surely, choices are plenty if only we look hard enough. Again, and quoting my inspirational presenter “If you don’t ask, the answer is always: NO!” You ask, and it’s either a Yes, or a No. A “Yes” grants you what you want. A “No” needs to prompt you to ask again for something different. This is how you brighten up your future; this is how you leave your options wide open; this is why I believe: “The future belongs to those who ask!”

On New Year's Eve

I’ll be blunt and daring and express my dissatisfaction at how most people choose to spend New Year’s Eve. You may disagree, but I have my own – not so much shared - views on this one. I just can’t seem to understand the logic behind the competition as to where and how New Year’s Eve is spent. Why is it a “must” to have an extravagant arrangement for that specific night?

A friend of mine suggested it is the one night everybody needs to stay up late, dance, and have fun (referring to going crazy and drinking lots of alcohol); it would be ideal to hop from one place to another until it is breakfast time again. The longer the stay out, the more indicative it is of how well the night went by. To me, that was YIKESSSSSS!!! I’m not a night person; and staying up late is practically torture. Discussing the same issue with another friend, I found an argument strikingly different; albeit, much deeper. The latter noted that she doesn’t understand why all the festivity, the fireworks, and the hassle. We lost one year; what is there to be happy about?

I wouldn’t want to compete about the outing, nor depress about a losing a year. It is a special night; a turning point, but do we really have to anticipate for a new year this way or that? To me, the ideal is to celebrate in a very different way. Give it the worth it deserves. I would much rather sit quietly in a fine candle-lit homey environment, good music in the background, and play a unique game. In my mind’s eye, I would like to scan the whole past year with all its appealing and dire events; re-live the nice important memories, learn the lessons from the not so fortunate ones, and then run a wild movie in my head about my aspirations for the coming year. No need to have a parade over food preparations, or a hassle about dressing up. I feel a need to reflect on the true meaning of this occasion; why is that we divert our attention? I would love to share my activity with others (sharing is caring), but would speculate that most would find it a lame game. Who would settle for such a surreal New Year’s Eve?

To fit in, I therefore spare this mind game to an alternate night. For now, and at least for the past couple of years, I have succeeded in limiting the festive celebration to spending the night with those closest to my heart, in a home setting, and to casual means of entertainment. Definitely would not want it a wild night in clubs; definitely would not lament the loss of a year in my life. Wonder if I would succeed in bringing others to play the game if I attempt to next year. I’ll be giving it a shot; or will I remain alone on this? What do you think? :)

Those “IF” statements: From Disempwering Ones to More Empowering Others

In the spirit of wrapping up the year 2009, I embarked on my usual - more focused - appraisal of how things went by the past year and the framework needed to welcome the coming year. This review is my usual practice through out the year; and I seldom wait for the New Year to make resolutions and assessments. I like to toy around with my thoughts now and then by giving them some free rein to wander unrestricted to realms outside reality. This stems from a need to balance my excessive practical and realistic nature with some fantasy-like escape resort. I need to nourish that dreamer aspect of mine; it is these dreams that keep me working at full speed every so often.

In some of my weak moments, my day dreaming is not all that glorious or empowering. During such a trance-like state just a while ago, I caught myself using “if only” statements as my mind rambled around. I didn’t like the outcome. Let me share with you how the process went by. Come on, let’s try this exercise together and fill in the following blanks. Check how these make you feel:

Example: If only I were ______________ (a male not a female)
If only I could undo ______________________________________
If only my _____________________ were _____________________
If only it was socially acceptable to _____________________
If only I lived ___________________________________________
If only I had _____________________________________________
If only I had done_________________ not ___________________

I don’t know about you, but when I filled in these spaces with things I wished I had done, or had, or didn’t do, or wished others to have done things differently, I felt so down and wane. Those “If only” statements point to things that are either unreal in my life, or are very real but are past and done already. They are so disempowering. Can we ever undo the past? Do we have unlimited power to change about everything? Sadly, the answer is no and no. What do we do then?

It’s Okay to dream of what we can’t change. Sometimes it’s a healthy way to satisfy the impossible. The better way still is to dream the feasible (no matter how difficult it may seem). Dig yourself back from the rut and change those “if only” statements to “what if”….. Come on, fill those blanks with me once again. Something like:

Example: What if I could ______(have that male career status)
What if I can in fact have a ______________________________
What if I can live ________________________________________
What if I can get _________________________________________
What if I work on becoming ________________________________
What if I can forgive _______________ wrong doing and _____
What if I can forget _____________________ and ____________

Now that feels better. How about you? It put me at a mobilized state for action. These statements are so motivating. They gave me back some control over how to steer the wheel. I feel hopeful, energized, and have a purpose. I am in a better mind-set. I am looking forward to a challenge; I am more empowered. It’s okay to assess, then, and wish things to have been different, but that is behind now. It’s in the past. I have better chances for the future. There is a way out if I can think it. When things can’t change, I’m better of considering what I can control. I can look within me for answers. It is these assumptions of “what if I…” that empower me and deserve my focus; not those “if only” statements that pull me back and leave me disempowered….

Beware of Emotional Vampires!!

A vital ingredient that spices up our lives is being around other people. We’re blessed with having family members, friends, colleagues, and even casual acquaintances who best serve our social nature. All too often, however, we end up being among the wrong crowd. And instead of being energized by people in our lives, we find ourselves disempowered, depleted, or upset. Make a connection and reflect for a moment. With whom do you feel totally zapped out of energy? Who have you started dreading being with? If you’re able to recognize a few, then you’ve probably identified those known as “Emotional Vampires”.

Unlike the blood sucking folkloric vampires we’ve heard of, “Emotional Vampires” suck your positive emotions (or your life blood). They make you angry, depressed, overwhelmed, trivial, defensive, or drained. They come in different disguises and flavors: the needy and helpless (the victim), the depressed (always whining), the controlling (the forever bossing you around), the drama queen (that takes everything to the extreme and then the show begins), the narcissist (it’s all about me; you shut up), the perfectionist (the never satisfied and the detail oriented), and the criticizer (can’t ever win with that one; you’re a forever loser).

If you don’t properly control the presence of these “Emotional Vampire” in your life, you could end up suffering depression, anxiety, isolation, substance abuse, or any other maladaptive behavior. Dealing with emotional vampire is very easy if they meant nothing to you, or if you did not need them. You simply terminate the relationship. But what if they were important people in your life – ones you love most and cherish (i.e. your father, mother, sibling, spouse or your best friend). These could be your superiors at work or maybe other coworker. Now, that becomes a tough call!

Two things you need to keep in mind:
1) You can’t change them (you can only change yourself or the way you deal with them).
2) And that it’s about them; it’s not about you. Something lacks in their lives and they want to fill it up. They could be in a chronic strife to seek attention, recognition, validation, or acceptance. Alternatively, they can look tough and assertive on the outside, but underneath feel empty.

So, how do you deal with such emotional vampires?

- Consider again, is it possible to take your distance? Can you eliminate all contact with the type? Or maybe reduce encounters drastically?
- When contact is inevitable, visualize a protective mental safety shield that protects you from their negativity. Don’t allow their words to seep into you. Above all, resist the urge to be their therapist.
- Listen to your body. Is your tension level rising? Do you feel sleepy? Are you suddenly craving for something sweet? Have you suddenly lost all motivation to eat, go out, or do anything? Your body cannot mask the distress; it sends you multiple signals. Don’t allow yourself to react (they want you to). Breathe deeply and take your time before responding. If you can, listen then forget. Work on up-lifting your mood right after the encounter.
- Set your boundaries. Speak up with confidence about what you would, or would not allow in your relationship. Be assertive; yet gentle and empathetic. You can always disagree without being disagreeable; and the only power they have over you is that you give them. Exhibit that “tough love” you hear about.
- Deal with your guilt feeling as you resist being submissive to their influence. Many do actually take you on a guilt trip and that is how you conform to their whims. You’re trying your best to be supportive, but there’s a limit to how much you allow.
- Reframe their behavior as that deserving pity. They are immature children who were bitten a long time ago. They will have to outgrow their tantrums on their own. They don’t know why they do the things they do and if you confront them, you’ll find them in denial. Just exercise your patience (you have a golden opportunity there).

Beware of being bitten by those vampires. You don’t want to eventually turn into one, do you? Be mindful of their trespassing your territory and deal with it. Either shut them away, or use the above strategies. Stay in positive motion and spirit. Use a lot of humor. You’ll bewilder them with your action (they are very passive). Empower yourself in their presence constantly (this is how you vaccinate yourself against their poison); else, they’ll bite you; and you’ll be off to find your own prey….

The Multifold Power of Giving

How many times do you bend backwards attempting to do someone else a favor only it does not get reciprocated when you are the one in need? Does it happen often enough to discourage you from being a giving person? You wonder: This is not in line with the “norm of reciprocity” (i.e. the social expectation that people respond to each other in kind)? Consider this: the expectation that you receive back from the same person may be the norm, but never the rule. You will receive back in return; albeit, from multiple other sources. Don’t be reluctant to keep giving as you are bestowed at least ten fold. How is that possible, you ask?

1. Giving feels good. You have been a positive impact. You took part in someone else’s life. In return, you reap a positive psychological reward (i.e. I am useful). Caution: buffer your disappointment by not expecting a repayment in kind. Do it for the sake of getting that “helper’s high”.

2. Giving enhances your physical health. When you feel good psychologically, it feeds into your physiology. It is a known fact that psychological and physical states are interrelated.

3. Giving others can offset being totally self-absorbed. That is very applicable in times of distress or even success. It is a distracter from over-indulgence in one’s own misery on one hand; and a source of redirecting the overflow of positive emotions to others in need on the other hand. Why hoard the pleasure of accomplishment to ones’ self? Share it.

4. Giving fosters a sense of abundance. You are wealthy if you are able to provide and give. Have the conviction that your reservoir will not dry. Hey! “There’s more where that came from”.

5. Giving shapes your life with meaning. Yes, you are here for a reason. You have a purpose. Giving is life enriching.

6. Giving satisfies the need for social connections. We all have this need to connect with others; and sometimes those interactions are not so satisfactory. How about turning things round when that’s the case? Make your relationships and interactions beneficial one way or another?

7. Giving makes you nicely remembered. We are not going to live forever (and that’s another fact). Ask yourself: How would I like to be remembered? Wouldn’t it be nice to leave positive prints behind?

8. Giving can trigger a multitude of positive thoughts about yourself. Again, as long as you’re not expecting anything in return, your thoughts will rotate around those positive attributes you possess. You are charming in so many other ways.

9. Giving entails superiority. You have the upper hand. It is your wish and will to do the things you do. Think of it as your choice; no one coerced you into doing anything.

10. Giving characterizes those who are self-actualized (i.e. those who have reached their utmost psychological development like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and Albert Einstein). Self-actualized people are only motivated by personal responsibilities and ethics; and not by what they receive in return.

So, you see, giving spirals up into a great deal of life and self-satisfaction. I can think of many other alluring reasons for giving, but the above suffice to endorse it as a life philosophy. I am in awe when I hear of those who stretch their giving to that of self-transcendence. They give others because it makes them more fulfilled; they transcend the egocentric focus. They are so lucky to be there. Others give so much, but that has its bases in their “inability to say NO”. Giving becomes distressing, so one has to really consider if negative emotions surface. For me, I keep few things in mind as I adopt a giving attitude: it’s about being a positive influence. It is about the value it adds to my own personal growth and progress. I am able, then, to give back at least double what I receive…..

Will Someone Listen to Me?

A pre-requisite of my certification as a life and career coach was to have a coach myself for some time. There was a lot of value in that although initially I openly resisted the idea. I thought: “why would I need a coach when I already am so motivated, know exactly what I want, am setting big goals, and I am working at full speed to develop myself?” I have to be frank and admit that I WAS WRONG! Not only did that experience add to my learning and practice, it was indeed an eye-opener for many areas in my life. I thought I knew it all: I had clear self knowledge, I was doing what seemed to be the impossible to many, and I had a wide social support system. But, again, all these were not enough. I was too engrossed in my own life and failed to detect other possibilities and multiple other perspectives. My coach, then, did a wonderful job; alas, our contract came to an end.

Now-a-days, and during my gradual effort to gather other local practicing coaches to establish the Lebanese Coach Association, I had this amazing opportunity to meet and chat with other like-minded colleagues. One recurrent theme emerged from our dialogues. Even well-established successful and skilled coaches do in fact hire a personal coach. They make use of such a service to keep them focused and help them stretch their horizon further. It’s a luxury service only few choose to indulge in, or can afford. All those who walk the path of success, from celebrities to politicians, make use of the coaching service. Furthermore, how do you think they make it through the maintenance stage or shine even further?

The discussions with my colleagues made me go back in time to the days I was being coached. I do need someone to fully pay attention to what I am saying, widen my scope of perception, and make me feel that what I am doing matters. We all need to be listened to. I am doing most of the listening in both of my careers as a psychotherapist and a coach, but who’s there to lend an ear to my own concerns? OK, I have a lot of friends and my hubby does a lot of that. I always exchange thoughts and ideas with precious people in my life. But usually these conversations tend to be subjectively colored and the discourse drifts away from being listened to and back to my role as a listener. And at times, even those closest to me are simply too preoccupied, distracted, or uninterested in hearing me out. I need a third, somewhat, objective perspective; someone skilled in active listening to my true needs; someone I can trust will commit to being fully there for me (all the time).

I wonder what am I waiting for? That’s it! I am re-hiring a good coach!