From Seriousness & Sadness to Humor & Joy

Don’t you envy those people who always have a cheerful attitude towards life? I, myself, love people with a sense of humor. They attract me like magnet. They make me seek their company more often. Nothing seems to be a big deal even the most serious goals they work on. They derive joy in every little thing they do. They feed humor into all their actions. Life to them just seems as a long funny comedy episode. They are the 'happy go lucky type'.

I commend their approach to life. I once heard a quote that said: “Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway”. Very true, I believe. No matter how hard we try, in the end, we all share the same destiny. What makes us different is that some of us choose to focus on enjoying the ride while going to any destination. While others, fuss and complain at even the most trivial matters. A flat tire along the way, for instance. Big deal! Just have it fixed and move forward. Ultimately you’ll be there, only having made use of a more durable new tire supporting your journey. Even if matters go out of hand for a while; what would it serve us to get all mad about change of plans? Aren’t we better off with some unpredictability?

It’s all about holding the right attitude towards everything. Go out there and make your day a happy one. It’s all in your hands. A smile is contagious; so is laughter (even if no reasons exist). Derive joy in even the simplest things you do. You can always find some if you just reflect a bit about where it lies. It’s sad that we, as humans, are so special intellectually from other beings, yet, we are stuck with taking cognitive shortcuts; so habituated to not fully appreciating each moment we live.

Let’s shift our serious perspective about things. Notice the difference in your facial expressions when you do that. I am not saying that you are to negate your feelings when things go wrong. We can never be happy in times of loss; be it of people we love, or failures. Nor can we derive joy in such circumstances. It’s just that maybe it is better idea to take only some short time to grief that loss and not let it extend on and on. Process it for a while; and then look for the meaning of that experience and the lesson learned. There are hidden joys everywhere. I’ve seen people’s lives get transformed after loosing someone dear. They become full of gratitude for other things they still have.

So, whenever you feel that you haven’t smiled or felt happy during your day, start doing something about it. Instead of being so serious while going to work, running in errands, or actually doing your work, think happy. Wipe off that serious look and those sad thoughts. It won’t take long before we eternally become expressionless. Even if you’re not happy, just thinking happy thoughts will transform your mood. You are what you think. Does it take a genius then to conclude that we choose to make our lives full of delight or misery?

Respond in Kindness

There are two contradictory principles regarding retribution to being wronged. One would suggest that “if you’re slapped on the right cheek, turn the other cheek”. It encourages neither retaliation, nor vengeance. The other suggests fighting back: “an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth”. Over the years, I found myself abiding by the first principle for several reasons:

1. I must agree with Mahatma Ghandi, who said: "An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind".
2. It serves us better than living with regrets.
3. It requires demonstrating self-control, maturity, and power to refrain from reacting in kind.
4. It gives one a feeling of being the bigger person.
5. It would feel the right choice even if one was distressed for a while.
6. It just might humble the other person and awaken the dormant good essence within.
7. I wouldn't want to prove that I could be as mean if I wanted to. I choose not to norish that part of me.

And, why not? Who am I to teach others a lesson? We are all given several chances for repenting. We will all face circumstances that leave us more enlightened. Perhaps “turning the other cheek” becomes one of those conditions. Perhaps, as well, it is just the right response to a God-sent test examining our strength of character.

Feedback or Criticism?

When we interact with others, we are prone to give or receive judgments of various types. Sometimes judgments received may be positive. They either boost our self confidence, or verify that we are on the right track in our behavior or attitude. And don’t these just sound like music to the heart and ears? At other times, judgments by others may be negatively perceived. They might irritate us either because they are not true; thus, put us on the defensive, or because they strip away our having some positive self image. Wouldn’t we all need less to hear of these?

In some instances, we may have to deal with someone who keeps criticizing our actions, beliefs, or attitudes. For no apparent reason, and despite all our efforts to reflect a positive standing, we find ourselves being showered with negativity. As a result, we find ourselves taking precautions to shun meeting that person. “Why would I willingly put myself under attack?” one might rationalize. “I’d rather be with those who make me feel good about myself”, one would reason, right? Being criticized on one incident is enough to make us doubt ourselves, so why do we have to tolerate continuous negative evaluations?

Scientific research supports the idea that those who engage in criticism have, in fact, low self-esteem that they try to uplift by degrading others. Rest assured then, that once it’s the case, you are not at fault. Try to understand the insecurity that person is projecting; and smile back. Attempt to find good qualities s/he holds and give in return only praise about these assets. You just may succeed in giving him/her the reassurance needed.

Now, imagine that you caught yourself criticizing someone else. You might ask yourself: “Why am I doing this? What purposes would it serve?” You might have all the good intentions in the world that all you are doing is providing feedback. Perhaps your aim is directed on improving certain aspects or casting some light on a different perspective. You might have a genuine care, but it would look as if you were superior, or merely degrading the other person. Some would assume they have the right to give such feedback being the other person’s boss, parent, or have any other hierarchical role. Even then, one should be aware that there’s a fine line between criticism and effective feedback.

Feedback has a different lure. It is put in positive terms. It is more humble and is phrased in terms of other possibilities. Unless you want to maintain your own belief that you know better, ask permission to give your feedback. Start up with a positive note on aspects to be discussed, then, highlight your opinion in a question form. Effective feedback provides alternatives and possibilities; Criticism locks one in a doubt loop. Feedback induces the receiver to ponder about ways to fine-tune; Criticism prompts one to shut-down and ruminate about shortcomings.

So next time you have the urge to give your own evaluation, aren’t you better off making sure it is not threatening to the other’s positive sense of self. Why not wrap your tone of voice with all sorts of sensitive considerations? I bet it would guarantee both an open heart and all ears to your message. Says who you know better? Even if your role dictates more knowledge, why not make it a two way communication process by listening to what is said in return? It could just be that you are the one who needs feedback….

What is it about Coaching that makes it an addition to your life journey?

Many people are still unaware of what coaching is? What does a coach actually do? Why would coaching add to your life journey? Or if it was indeed a necessary tool? Before enrolling with the International Coach Academy, I posed these questions and many more. I had this passion to assist my friends and my students to get better than just satisfactory results in whatever endeavor they handled: their life in general, their interpersonal relationships, their professional lives, or their academic achievements. In many instances, my free services were not taken seriously and even resisted. It didn’t take long before I realized that to be effective, coaching has to be sought, not enforced. This, then, becomes a pre-requisite to actually benefiting from the coach’s service, but

What is coaching?
Coaching is about having a partnership with another person whose aim is to support you discover priorities that would make your life more meaningful, enjoyable, and fulfilled. Once you are able to pinpoint these, your relationship with a coach will help you devise a plan with concrete objectives to achieve within a set time frame. During the process, your coach plays the role of your: mind-assistant, devil’s advocate, cheerleader, and your backup support. We all have our moments of doubt in ourselves. In such instances, you will find that your coach will never be a skeptic in your potential, beliefs, or uniqueness. The coaching relationship helps you be your authentic self, create your own plans and solutions, and pursue your goals. We all need to see things from a different perspective no matter how sure we are of our own. We all need to share our aspirations, fears, accomplishments, and dreams with someone who has only our best interest. This is exactly what you’ll have in a coaching relationship.



Why not be self-reliant, resort to close friends, partner, parents, siblings, or other people we can trust?
You are better of having a coach because you need someone who is an expert at listening, someone who has only your best interest as a topic of focus, someone who can speed up your actions towards change. No matter how ingrained your belief is about yourself, a coach will help you identify any limiting beliefs. No matter how powerful your circumstances are, a coach empowers you to surpass any constraining factor. A coach is just trained to see things from many different angles; and this is why you can’t always be self-reliant. Your friends, partner, parents, or siblings have a tendency to see you in a role that serves your mutual relationships. They might not delve deeply into what really matters to you, or have the time to monitor whether you are taking action to progress towards your goals. This is the coach’s role not theirs. Being an outsider, a coach has the ability to see you thrive in different and multiple roles. Finally, you need not worry about opening up too much to a “stranger”. All coaches abide by the “Code of Ethics” set by the International Coaching Federation. Confidentiality is assured during the coaching process. It would be just like talking to your self on a clear shiny mirror….

When is coaching needed?
Any time during your life journey a coach is needed especially in times of transition, loss, change, confusion, or emptiness. Difficult times can be surmounted with the help of a coach, so do fast-pace times. An objective input is always an asset at any point in our lives.